Can anyone help- I know something isn't right

[BellaStranger]

• I am ruining my own life and don't know how to stop.
  
• I have no coping mechanism and when something bad happens I feel like the whole world is ending.
  
• I feel like everyone I love is going to leave.
  
• I am needy.
  
• I stop eating to punish myself and others. When I get so hungry I binge eat, I feel like even more of a failure.
  
• I hate myself.
  
• I think everyone else hates me too.
  
• I get inappropriatly angry over the smallest things.
  
• I get anxious, stressed and frustrated for no reason, I cant control it and I cant stop it. Other people get fed up with my mood swings.
  
• I think extensively about committing suicide yet lack courage in my convictions. I fear living through it and everyone hating me for it.
  
• I struggle to settle in to anything and I keep changing my mind about what I want. This has contributed to me doing badly at college, dropping out of uni and never having a stable job.
  
• I had an abortion 4 years ago that I have never really gotten over.
  
• I over react.
  
• I throw myself in to my relationships, yet anxiety, fear of loss, hysteria and doubt define them.
  
• I dont feel whole unless someone is paying attention to me.
  
• Attention from men is more important to me than attention from women.
  
• This attention helps to fill an emptiness inside, even though it is short lived. I will go to any extent to get it- even if it means putting myself at risk or comprimising my morals and friendships.
  
• I blame other people for my faults.
  
• I need help because I can't live like this anymore.
  

[anders055]

Hi, you are very depressed. I can relate to some of the points you mention. One advice is, and i know you know that too, would be to get medical help. I think you should do things you love, like working out and /or take a trip to a nice place with greenery and mountains and all to get some peace. You need to give your mind a break.

[KG]

You may have depression. Or a chemical imbalance. Please go to Dr. to find the root causes.

[Lunaetick]

Hi Bellastranger,

 

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time, and it takes a lot of courage to recognize that something is wrong.

 

How old are you? Are you currently seeing a therapist? How long have you been feeling this way? My advice is to tell a professional exactly what you've told all of us. All of these feelings could be stemming from a self image or coping problem that they could help you work out. Or, if something more serious is going on, they could help to diagnose the cause. What you've described sounds pretty severe, and no one wants to live life this way.

 

Best of luck, and again, I think it's really great that you are able to put all of these feelings into words. That takes a lot of courage and self awareness!

[BellaStranger]

Hey...

 

I am 25. I'm not seeing a therapist and never have, I collapsed at the gym once, about 3 years ago because I hadn't eaten for over a week and I was referred to an eating disorder specialist but I got scared and never followed it up, I just started eating again and I havent had another period of not eating like that since, it's always been for shorter times. I had a doctors appointment today, but cancelled it again. I have felt like this on and off all of my adult life. When I am working somewhere I'm relatively happy, and in a relationship I seem to be okay... but my relationship becomes turbulant, I get angry and there are arguements or I'm stressed and short tempered, they fall apart and I get terrified of being left and everything spirals out of control and falls apart.

 

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend and it's bought all this back to a head... the last time I nearly dealt was it was when I broke up with my last boyfriend but I couldnt put it in to words then. My most recent ex is the love of my life and I'm the love of his, I'm sure of it... so if even he cant deal with me, and even we cant make it work... what hope do I have? It's made me realise I have to start dealing with this. I dont know where all of that came from... i've never articulated it before... but I just sat down with a pen and paper and it all came out!

 

I was already on this forum so I chose to put it here to get some feedback because everyone here is very supportive. I have been allowing a relationship to form with a colleague who is married... which is self destructive to the extreme and not really what I want but being this lonely is eating me up and I am REALLY struggling to say no. Thats what I mean about putting myself at risk and comprimising my morals. I'm just making things worse... but I feel out of control... I just know there is something not right... I need help but I dont know how to get it... I need to keep a doctors appointment to start off with I guess...

[wlh22]

Hey Honey,

I am sorry for what you are going through and wish I could help more that typing here.

 

I feel you when you say you are feeling loney. But ask yourself if falling in a relationship with a married man will help you. I think you are articulate/intelligent enough to understand that you will only end up hurting yourself more with the relationship with married man (either because he ends and goes back to wife or worse - some humiliating situation between him/wife/family). It is best to get out of it.

 

There are many great guys (trust me ... ). You need to start looking around and know that it is great if a nice girl approaches us guys (as long as the guy is single). So go out there and start building something new.

 

You are only 25 so some setbacks are ok. Recover from them , learn from them and you will only grow stronger. I know it is easier said that done (I am kinda going through it too).

 

And one last thing, take care of your body. God gave your everything. Some people loose their arms n legs etc. Appreciate what you have. Good luck with everything. PM me if you fee like talking to someone.

[Lunaetick]

I wish I could help more too, or that there was some easy advice I could give you It's so rough going through a break up, but at least the good that's coming out of it is that you're looking within and no doubt that will help your future relationships.

 

What worries me is that your physical health and your relationships are suffering so much because of your feelings. Not only that, but by getting involved with a married man, you are doing something that you know is wrong but you say that you can't seem to control it. Feelings certainly are difficult/impossible to control, but it's important to have control over your actions. I think that your feelings are so overwhelming that this is very difficult for you to do.

 

I know that you know all of this. I think there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist about these issues, sometimes we just need a little extra help to learn to cope with things and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's certainly scary to admit to having a problem, but by writing down your thoughts and posting here, I think you've gone through that important first step!

 

*hug* Take care of yourself. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

[BellaStranger]

I'm still not doing so great. I get up every day and go through the motions, I laugh and I joke like nothing is wrong but inside I feel totally void. My ex and I started off our break up talking and 'taking things slow' to what I felt was an eventual reconsilliation but communication has fallen apart again and although we still speak every day and see each other a couple of times a week its always the mundane... things we speak to each other about out of habit!

 

I've been looking for somewhere to live- maybe a room in a shared house- but the thought of it makes me so terrified I feel sick but it's becoming clear that I'm not going to be moving home any time soon and I'm not very happy at my mums. I feel like I need to be proactive now but my entire being just wants to curl up and die and I am using every bit of energy I have to put on a face so that I can get to work each day.

 

I'm using this guy at work as some sort of emotional crutch, and I hate myself for it- I really do- but the small scraps of attention I'm getting from him are all thats keeping me going. I don't think I mentioned it before but over the course of the last year I have also fallen out with ALL of my close friends for one reason or another and not all totally my fault- but my reactions havent helped! So I am literally the lonliest I have ever been. And when he sneaks up behind me to give me a kiss on the neck while I'm on the phone to make me laugh or gives me a big bear hug cos I'm feeling low or sticks a post-it to my project file saying I'm the sexiest girl in the world, it does give me that little glimmer of warmth inside that I'm not getting from anywhere else. It just doesnt last very long and later I just feel even worse. Nothing else is going on between us- it's just an inappropriate level of flirting!

 

Anyway, I came here today cos I was wondering if anyone here knew anything about borderline personality disorder? Someone mentioned it to me a while ago and I'd forgotten about it until recently and I've been looking it up... I cant help feeling a 'yes, this is me' feeling but I dont know if thats a need to be 'diagnosable' if that makes sense? Am I MAKING myself fit this? I was just wondering if anyone knew more about it?

[BellaStranger]

I can't do this. I can't cope.