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the weight is becoming too much for me...


WadeCure

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For the first time in a long time I am having serious thoughts of not wanting to live anymore.

 

I'm 28, still living at home, no friends, ugly, shy, sensitive, health problems, abandoned by everyone. I am unable to find work in the city where I used to have a life. I found out my ex has already married and gotten pregnant since weve been broken up since Sept 2008 on Wednesday and I'm having extreme trouble adjusting to the fact that I knew I was right about her (speeding train towards marriage and baby without respect for me or my feelings, and I think eNA called this too based on the info I provided way back when) Since Sept 2008, I have lost every single one of my friends, had to move back home, still looking for work but being stuck in a small town with no opportunities.

 

I do not understand how a person with such an unbelievable amount of cards stack against them endures. I've been enduring for a while, but I have been punched in the gut repeatedly over the past 2 years for various personal and professional reasons. I am depressed more than I think I've ever been. I am seeking a counselor for Monday after next. So I guess that's a step.

 

I'm trying very hard but I think the game of life has beaten me. I do not think I have the courage to go through with doing it myself, but I have really bad acid reflux esophagus issues, and I don't see a doctor for them hoping that eventually I'll just develop esophageal cancer which has a very low survival rate.

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I'm 28, still living at home, no friends, ugly, shy, sensitive, health problems, abandoned by everyone. I am unable to find work in the city where I used to have a life.

 

Can you tell us a little more about your attempts to fix these issues? I know finding work is tough. But honestly, in this economy, I would work at fast food restaurant if I had to. Maybe you can lower your standards a bit. Not really the best feeling, and it might actually take a blow on your ego, but money is money.

 

The other things can be changed. Difficult, but it can be done. I think what is going on here is that you are still stunned by finding out about your ex. I wonder how you founf out though, and more importatnly, WHY did you find out? You should be distancing yourself from her so that you can work on yourself. Maybe you aren't doing enough to create some space.

 

All this really is a lot to handle for one person, but you have to try first. Give yourself a good 5-6 months more to heal fully and completely from your break up. It is possible that it will take longer, but in those months you will jump start a lot of things to address the other issues in your life. Once you get over the initial hump of getting started, I think your motivation to keep going will come on its own.

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Can you tell us a little more about your attempts to fix these issues? I know finding work is tough. But honestly, in this economy, I would work at fast food restaurant if I had to. Maybe you can lower your standards a bit. Not really the best feeling, and it might actually take a blow on your ego, but money is money.

 

For work - I hunt daily for a job in the city where I once was. I have sent out tons of resumes. Had a few interviews, not very many. I work in software development industry which is tanking (regardless of what the BLS says) and a terrible career choice given the ramping offshoring (did I mention I was offshored twice in the past two years?)

 

For physical appearance - I have worked out hard four days a week for the past year. I have had some decent gains here but I don't think it's drastic enough.

 

For shyness and lack of social life - Not a whole lot. I try to be social at church but I don't really have any other social outlets. It's a small town.

 

 

The other things can be changed. Difficult, but it can be done. I think what is going on here is that you are still stunned by finding out about your ex. I wonder how you founf out though, and more importatnly, WHY did you find out? You should be distancing yourself from her so that you can work on yourself. Maybe you aren't doing enough to create some space.

 

I found out inadvertently and unintentionally. Facebook. Co-worker opened up Facebook to show us his moving to Texas pictures and she was a friend of his and had a status update with her new last name talking about having a boy. I did not intentionally seek this information. It just hit me right in the face without my asking. I have kept pure 100% NC up until that point for a good solid year.

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i play mmorpg's as my friends all live far away and i can't see them very often. it's fun, it's social gaming, it's immersive and helps me pass the time while playing in a world where i can be who I want and I'm judged by the skills of my avatar as opposed to real life. I'm not saying it's a longterm fix, but in the short-term it'll do wonders for your confidence and general enjoyment of life and will stop you worrying too much about what the real world hasn't afforded you.

 

Once you get a bit of confidence back, it's up to you what you do with it - but I'd suggest focusing on one area of your life at a time. Once you get one in order you'll be happier and more confident so the next area will be easier. Generally work from there. If you get any setbacks in one area, withdraw and solidify others, then push forward again.

 

Best of luck, get in touch if you need someone to chat to

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Working out and few results? There might be something else you are doing wrong. You should have fairly drastic results, unless you are slacking one way or another.

 

If you could change these 'problems' about you, would it be enough for you to stop wanting to commit suicide? If you can delay, like I said, 5-6 months, you might have a complete change of heart. Its all about time though. Unfortunately, it is the only solution to practically any problem. If time doesn't solve it, then time will definitely put you in a better position to make a solution yourself.

 

I strongly suggest you work harder on yourself, and getting over your ex. You haven't reached a point where you can look at things from an outsider's point of view and it is going to cause you to make drastic decisions. Suicide is quite drastic. If after a few more months you still feel it is the only solution, you then think about it ONE more time. For right now, I think you should delay this until you have exhausted all your options. Try harder than you have been to improve yourself. Easier said than done, but you wan't to be sure that there really was no other way around it,right?!

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Dude. You are me! I feel for you 100%... and I do know EXACTLY how you feel. I've said to myself a thousand times how much easier this would all be if only ONE other thing was going ok in my life. I've looked through your past threads, and you've definitely been going through this longer than me, but perhaps it's time to turn this thing around.

 

More info on my pit of hell here if u r interested:

 

 

There are 3 things I can say though.

 

1) It's cliche, but whenever you list what you don't have, you really do have to list what you DO have. I'm sure there gotta be some things. Focus on that.

 

2) I know you feel ugly, socially awkward, etc. Me too a lot of the time. But, looking through your history I see several breakups. So, we are logical minds as software developers. Take the ugly/socially awkward thing and throw it out. It's obviously not a problem in meeting and going out with girls. You DIDN'T just luck out and meet the only 2-3 girls in the world who would be with you. But like Fluid said, that's not the issue. The main issue is getting over your ex and working on yourself, and finding confidence and happiness again.

 

3) About work. You are right that there are a lot of negatives about being a software dev. BUT there are a lot of positives. The biggest being, if you have a computer and an Internet connection, you always have a loaded gun for making money! Name another career you can do that with. Try freelancing. Develop iPhone, Andriod, etc apps. Start an online business. What? Never developed an iPhone/Android app? Buy a book. Download the SDK. Learn all about it. I'd barely touched a Mac before last summer, and 3 months later I released my first iPhone app. Yes, millions of people want to do this, but you and I have the TOOLS, the MOTIVATION, the TIME, and the KNOWLEDGE to make it happen. Sure, it might tank. Hell, I lost everything I owned last year getting involved in a start-up that did just that. But, that's the cool thing about being an entrepreneur. 95% of your ideas might stink and fail, but the 5% that succeed will make you WAY more money than you could ever make working for someone else. I've been there on both sides! And, the best thing about being where we are... what do we have to lose?

 

I'm just suggesting this as a way to keep you busy, keep your skills sharp, learn new skills, etc. What's the worst that happens? You learn something. This will help you in your job search for sure (which of course you continue doing in the meantime). In our industry, there is no replacement for having a wide base of knowledge. You don't need to be expert level, but just enough knowledge to get through the interview. I've had a TON of success this way in getting a job. Yeah, there are a million C++ gurus... or Java gurus... or C# gurus.... It's hard to stand out. But, when that job pops up looking for a C# guy with Flash Actionscript experience who has also worked with streaming media, and you've done all that working on your personal projects, I swear to you, you will be money in that interview. This is becoming more and more common, as companies are cutting back and looking for more broadly experienced people. Combine that with being local, and a native English speaker, ... no prob. Every job I've ever been offered has been because of this.

 

And bro. We are automatic friends. We have too much in common to not be. Any time you need to talk, I'm here. I've been going the entrepreneur route for several years now and I have a lot of insight and ideas I can share. Contact me if you want to talk ideas. I'd be glad to help.

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