My Story: GIGS? advice?

[Wanderer7]

I've been following maybe 50 threads every day over the past month. If you couldn't tell, I'm new to this whole enotalone forum. I saw a lot of people who got advice and "healed" throughout the forum, so I felt like you people could help me. I feel as though my friends are getting sick of hearing about my break up situation.

I wasn't sure whether where to post this thread, but I've been following "getting back together" since day one. I sort of feel more comfortable if I posted. I apologize in advance for it being so elaborate and lengthy. But I'm sure someone who bumps into the forum like I did, seeking advice, will find it beneficial.

So let's start at the beginning. I've had about six relationships. I'm not one to be in one "just for fun". I had a girlfriend for about 23 months. She broke up with me three days after Valentines day. I've been through everything with this girl. She had a bad history of relationships and I was her first real, deep committed relationship (and longest). We first started dating senior year in high school-- Now I'll be turning 20 in a couple months, she's 20. We had the romantic moments people only dream of, and we unexpectedly won prom king and queen. We were our firsts for many things, including virginities. We took that very slow and wanted to make sure we trusted each other and had that emotional connection (TMI? sorry, lol). So you get the point, we were a great match. I was always there for her, she was always there for me. We had our ups and downs (mostly because we misunderstood and miscommunicated) and got through some of the most intense obstacles together. We learned a lot from each other. We cried a lot, but we laughed more. I sort of had a temper problem. I'd get annoyed by little things and take it too seriously. But we fixed it and even today I can control my anger. I told her one of the reasons why I loved her so much was because she never gave up on me, whereas an "average" girl in the relationship would have left me by now. I admit, I was really difficult at times. So was she, but that's what relationships are about, right? We have memories and inside jokes that could fill encyclopedias. She was the first and only girl that had me thinking about my future, vice versa. At first we went to different schools, 3-4 hours apart. So we carried on a long distance relationship for about 3 or 4 months, successfully (I decided to transfer to another school after the semester ended). She also had an awkward path involving transferring schools. We go to the same university now. It was unintentional for us to end up at the same school AND dormitory. We didn't want to be the couple who intentionally followed each other just in case things went wrong. It didn't alter our feelings for each other at all. In fact, the spark grew and we created an even stronger bond. Many guys have given her attention and tried to hook up with her, flirt, go on dates, etc. She always turned them down. We had a lot of trust for each other, so I was never worried about her leaving me for another guy. In fact, I would drive her to her guy friend's dorm, let them hang out, and then pick her up. Whenever I brought up the fact that I was a bit worried about her leaving me. She always told me I had nothing to worry about because she was deeply in love with me; that they were strictly friends. She usually thanked me for being so comfortable with her new friend hanging out with her-- most guys would throw a raging fit. A lot of my friends thought it wasn't right for me to be so trusting, but I didn't want to be that jealous boyfriend.

At about the beginning of this year, Mid-January-ish, we have a talk about our future together. It was about getting my family to open up a little more towards her. I have had a rough history with my parents and my girlfriends. I wanted to take it slow, whereas she thought it was something that should have been done by now. I agreed, but I wanted to be realistic with her. I told her it might be a while longer, she just has to be patient, etc. She got upset and started crying. Family was a big value to her, and I don't blame her. After a long realistically painful talk, we compromise. She agreed to be more patient and I was going to invite her over for dinner with my family over spring break. This could have been my fault, I don't know. I do know that I was planning on exposing my girlfriend to my parents more when we got home. Obviously, since we were away from home, it was kind of hard to spend time around family. I was always open to her family though. I appreciated them a lot. They never judged me and I always felt welcome.

Anyways, later that night she went to my room and wanted to talk some more. She wanted a break to sort out what she wanted. She didn't know how much longer she could wait for this family thing to unfold. "What if I miss out on another opportunity (being another guy) while I'm waiting? What if I wait and it turns out we weren't meant for each other and I miss out?". I told her it shouldn't matter, because in the end we're together and she will get to be around my family more. She wanted to take two days off to decide whether she wanted to stay with me or not. Obviously, she was confused and had to sort out her thoughts. So I let her take the break.

The next day I woke up, convinced myself we were still together and I had nothing to worry about. Went to play basketball with some friends, continued with my day without contacting her. However, when I went to bed, I felt empty. I admit, sometimes I did wonder what else is out there, but I never wanted to follow through with it. I was in a solid relationship and wanted to keep it that way. The morning after I woke up, skipped class (I couldn't focus at all), went to the gym to lift and burn some stress. As I finish, I got a text from her, "I miss you". I was confused. She wasn't supposed to talk to me or see me until later that night. I asked her why she texted me early and she texted back "I didn't think I would have cried this much or lose this much sleep. I just want to be with you right now." I asked her "Sooooo are you deciding to stay with me or leave?" She said "I want to stay with you". I went back to my room and told her she could come talk to me. I opened the door and smiled "Heyy". She hugs me and starts crying profusely. I hugged her back and all I could say was "I missed you We talked for a while and she told me that I was her best friend and lover and she didn't want to leave that. She also told me that she went to play basketball with her new guy friend the day before. She's one to believe in "signs" and that stuff. The basketball she picked up happened to say "21" on it. It's our anniversary day. Then she saw me playing basketball and started crying. She told her guy friend that she had to leave and explained to him why. I told her that I was glad she stayed with me. I would have lost my world if she left. Then she told me about her guy friend. Who just-so-conveniently confessed his love for her. He knew her for a month? They have a class together. She said " He told me that he wouldn't be able to move on without me. He made it sound like it was--" "--Love at first sight?" "Yeah. I didn't think that was possible". She told me that she had no feelings for him whatsoever, otherwise she wouldn't have came back. And I believed her. He would text her that he felt like crap and was in a bad mood for days. I was concerned for a bit. Why would he be so bummed out after being rejected by her if he knew she was in a serious, committed relationship with me?

Weeks go by. I drop her off at her guy friends, I pick her up and she spends the rest of the night with me. He and his friends invited her into their social circle. I was happy for her, because she finally found her group of friends. They would go out to eat, sports bar, movie, etc. At the end of every night they hung out, she wanted to be with me at the end of the night. So I built up more trust for her.

Here's the turn. He was always texting her. smiles and all. I asked why does he text you so much. She said "I don't know. He always starts the conversation and doesn't want to end it". She always sent smiles back and it was just the type of person she was. She was always friendly, and I guess I was sort of worried it would give him the wrong vibe. A couple days before V-Day weekend, he wants to take her out snowboarding. We've always wanted to learn how to snowboard and he wanted to teach her on valentines day weekend. We planned to spend the entire weekend together. Note that we weren't a clingy couple. We had a good balance between friends and us. But we wanted to spend that weekend together and I found it kind of inconsiderate for him to invite her out. I brush it off. We have a wonderful valentines day weekend and she loved it. Monday and Tuesday go by. Wednesday, she hangs out with him and sees a movie that she wouldn't normally see with me. I question it and she tells me she was just bored. She acts quiet and distant. I didn't feel like a priority and such. She broke up with me. She broke up with me for the new guy. I went numb and all I registered from her rant was "I'm confused, I'm scared, I just want to go home...". It was hard for her to let go. She told me not to ever delete her number, whether it was tomorrow or five years from now, she'd like to stay best friends. She kept kissing my cheeks, told me she'll miss me, gave me my stuff back, gave her the vday gift she got me back, and tells me "i love you" and left.

Next day (Thursday), I go insane. I beg, pleaded, cried. She said "Just have faith that if we're meant to be together, it'll work itself out.". She told me she wasn't over me and wanted to remain friends. I say ok, don't ever forget about me (I wasn't thinking obviously and it would be impossible to forget a relationship like that). I go no contact until Sunday and ask her if she still wants to use my textbooks. I know, I found some odd excuse to text her. Monday I ask for a closure talk. The main points I go out of it were 1. "Theres no going back. I have no feelings left for you. But I also said we were never going to break up so anything could happen". 2. "He and I are basically together, we just don't have the title yet". 3. "I'm here if you ever want to talk. We're still friends". I agreed. I was just so hurt she dropped all her feelings for me within a week. Makes it feel like a lie.

I go NC. That's when I came here to the forums. They've helped me get through the hardest days. But I felt extra weak today, so I appreciate those of you who have been reading and keeping up with this novel. I ended up creeping on her facebook. She's unbelievably happy or "ecstatic", her friends and family like him, she hasn't contacted me since. There's no return in sight. He reeled her in good. She's been making new friends and spending time with his family, something I was preparing for while we were together. He takes her out on double dates and out bowling and such. It's been 24 days since she broke up with me, about 14 days of NC. One week after she broke up with me, they're officially dating. She get's the title they've been waiting for. I'm shattered, picking up the pieces, she's enjoying life and everything is just so...upbeat and happy. Yeah, there's the honeymoon stage, but how could she be so shallow all of a sudden? I don't know how her feelings vanished so quickly.

I know a lot of you will say "Move on, she doesn't deserve you". While another handful will reply "It's a phase, she'll come back". I realized that I left her thinking we were still friends. Today, I was tagged in new pictures. I look happy in all of them. So I'm sure she knows I'm doing my best to move on. I'm doing pretty well after 3-4 weeks. Not full strength, but better than I began. I have my moments and phases though. It would have been a full 2 years later this month. I've been taking care of myself, lifting, running, catching up with old friends and my family. But I was a sucker for "stalking" her on facebook and I always ended up hurt in some way. I brought myself to delete her off my facebook. I broke NC and sent her a message to avoid any misunderstandings.

 

 

"Sorry"

 

"Please don't misunderstand this and think I'm being immature about the break up or that I hate you. I just can't be friends with you. Good luck with everything.

 

-[Wanderer7]

 

p.s.- If there's ever an emergency or something important, for both ways, I'll still have you're number."

 

 

 

 

 

I plan on continuing NC until this knife is pulled out of my chest..Did I do the right thing?Did I trust her too much? I regret not having her around my family as often. Did I break NC for the wrong reason? ](*,) If she truly loved me, she'd come back regardless how long I keep up NC, even after sending that message? I know she'd be the one to swallow her pride and call me if she really needed to. I might not like who she is when she gets back and it may not work, or it could be an even stronger relationship when she learns from her mistake. I know I must move on as difficult as it is.. I obviously still have strong feelings for her and want her back. I've been a mix of emotions. I wont get a reply anytime soon since she's spending the weekend in his hometown. Spring break ends tomorrow (started two weeks ago), so we will be back at uni tomorrow. She will be able to see him more at his dorm and I'll be trying my best to move on.

 

I really want to know...will she realize that she made a mistake and come back? Be honest, please. I know a lot of you might say things I wont want to hear. I'm trying to be realistic, but I have this gut feeling she will be back very soon. I want to "move forward with my hand behind me" as I read on another successful thread. I must say though, I feel a lot better having typed all of that for my first post.

[minou]

Oh my gosh, how sad and painful. I feel for you. If her feelings of love are strong enough for you, she'll be back. If not, you'll find someone who adores you. Hang in there. breakups are so painful.

[brandnewday47]

Wanderer7,

 

With the exception of the fact I am about 10+ years older, this feels like it could be my story (though I have no idea of another man in the picture). What has helped me is coming to an understanding and acceptance of the current situation. I'd recommend stepping back and taking stock of what happened and looking into why it happened. For me, that path has led me to a greater understanding of human communications, and a clearer view that a lot of times, what people say isn't the complete story of what they mean. Pulling out that info - aka mirroring -is a fine skill to learn.

 

I hope things turn out how you want them to... but you have to be patient.

 

Stay strong as most of us here can understand what you are going through. I agree with the always insightful minou, and I'm sure that when you eventually get clarity things will get better for you whether she recognizes this or not.

[luckyman]

This is absoulutly horrible. Please try your best to move on and continue nc...I know its hard to hear but I would never give her the time of day..she had you drive her back and forth everyday basically to see this kid...you seem like a nice loving guy with his head on straigh...I'm sure ull snatch up a good one enjoy college...feel better kiddo!!!