Boyfriend was a virgin when i met him and i wasnt! advice

[Nikki28]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years. He was a virgin when i met him and i wasnt i was honest with him and told him how many people i have been with and it didnt seem to bother him! 5 to me isnt alot considering i was in relationships with all of them! so after about a year he confessed that he was in pain because it hurt him that im his first but he's not my first. I tried to be undertsanding about it but the past is the past i can't do anything to change that! he still doesnt understand and is still in pain about it. He expained that he waited for the one and i didnt and thats what hurts. We both love each other very much and he hates himself for feeling this way because it cant be changed but he said he cant control his feelings. I dont know what to do! he wants to get over it because he thinks im the one and we want to be together. Should he see a counselor? any advice?

[tiger_lilies]

He needs to get over his insecurities. He had better not be blaming you for your past. My friend went through a similar situation. She married a guy who later confessed to her that he had slept with prositutes years before he met her. She was hysterical about it because she claimed that it grossed her out to know that he actrually paid money to have sex with complete strangers. She said it felt like he cheated on her. I guess she felt like she was betrayed, even though it's all in his past.

 

She eventually got over it...I think...they ended up divorcing, but I remember her mentioning it to me again after they separated.

 

I don't think there's really anything that can smooth things over with you b/f. You can only continue to reassure him that you love him and that he needs to focus on the present rather than the past.

[ConfusedBloke]

Hey, I'm not sure what to do but iv'e been in the position your boyfriend is in (a while back), and i felt exactly the same. All i can say is that it's a huge thing that he can explain to you his feelings, as I had a really hard time telling my then ex about it.

 

This will play on his mind, and for me would not go away, especially on those bad days that come along. I never did get it figured out while i was with her, so maybe counselling might go some way to help, but there's no substitute to experience, and really the only thing that would have made me see sense was after I'd been with a couple more people (I'm not suggesting that you tell him to go out there and sleep with someone else to get it out of his system, but i'm sure some people might!)

 

One thing that will help is if you make sure to do certain things with him that you haven't ever done before with anyone, and make that clear that he is the only one you have done that with. I could offer suggestions, but you get the picture, and you can both have fun while doing it!

 

hope there's something useful in there

[speardane]

This is a tough one for a guy. Be patient with him. He might be looking to you for reassurance.

 

Here's what not to do.

 

Never bring up the subject of any past sexual relationship/activity with other guys. (because you couldn't care less about anything that happened before you met him)

 

If he brings it up, only go as far as he wants to go in the conversation, then change the subject. (because things that happened with other guys before you met him just aren't interesting to you)

 

NEVER make any comment to your b/f that could be taken as praising another guy's sexual performance (that's the kiss of death)

 

The message that he's looking to get from you is that compared to him, anyone else you've ever been with is a total dud, and you never really even knew what sex was till you met him. You can't even remember all that stuff that happened in the past, because you're so caught up in him. Reinforce this in every way you can, every chance you get.

 

This advice might not sound very enlightened. Many of the emotions that men experience aren't very enlightened, either. "Honesty" can be all but irrelevant in a situation like this. You've been honest, now make sure you tell him what he wants to hear.

 

hope this helps :scramble:

[2pac4live]

Heya..

 

I know how he feels...im a virgin, when my gf, whom i love till death, is not...and it took me a very long time and a lot of patience to get the thoughts of someone else touching the queen of my heart out of my head....what helped me was that she constantly assured me she would have not done it if she knew, and she constantly told me how much she loved me and showed that noone else ment something to her exept for me...so maybe u should show him that too...n be cool wid it..if he didnt wanna get through this problem he wouldnt have told u, or like most of ignorant, dumb *beeps* would have dumped u...n hes love 4 u will go sky high after he goes over this bump...hope i helped out...somehow

 

Cheers