he's not "the one"

[t-dog]

I know alot of you out there are also dealing with this issue, and I'm really grateful to have found this forum.

 

I have been with my husband for a year and a half. He's the most amazing person I've ever met...he's funny, compassionate, smart, and fun. I love hanging out with him. I love talking to him. But I HATE having sex with him. I'm sorry to say that I find him physically repulsive. I can't even stand kissing him. I'm not in love with him. I'm strongly considering divorce at this point.

 

We got married in Vegas very shortly after meeting. We had an instant and very powerful connection, and, I believe we also got married so quickly because we were both at very lonely and insecure places in our lives. He's 20 years older than me and very successful at his career. I'm just starting out in life. And not to get too deep into psychoanalysis, I never had a father and I believe he may have filled a void in my life. He has no family (all dead now) and is very eager for companionship and children.

 

I moved to L.A. to be with him and suddenly found myself in a city I don't like with no friends except him and married to someone I can't even stand to picture naked. I am miserable. I am so lonely. I tried to leave him a number of times, but I can't stand hurting him, and I'm also afraid and insecure in my own abilities to fend for myself in this world ( I know, that's something I need to get over).

 

I finally just decided to pack up and join my friends in New York. I got a job, a fantastic apartment, and a lover. I finally felt happy and content. My life began to have balance. But I did miss him, of course, and he convinced me to come back. He knows how I feel about him. He knows I love him and he also obviously sees the lack of sexual chemistry. It's not that he's a bad-looking guy, he's handsome enough, but he's overweight and, frankly, too old for me. Most of my social circle in Los Angeles is with middle-aged people. Don't get me wrong, I love middle aged people, but I miss my 25 year old compatriots who understand what I'm going through in my life. I feel like a kid around his friends, and even though I'm not one, I feel like a trophy wife.

 

I feel so guilty and shallow for wanting a divorce based on the sexual chemistry. But understand, it's not just the sexual chemistry, it's the age-difference, where we live, and a number of other things. I've tried so hard to psyche myself into having erotic feelings toward him. But I can't. I really, really can't. I just want to go back to New York and be single. I just feel really out of my element with him. I feel stagnant, unable to move forward. But I do love him. I care for him deeply.

 

He says we'll be able to move out of L.A. "someday" and he's promised to try to get in shape for me (he's been saying this for a year).

 

Am I shallow and worthless for wanting out of this marriage?

[melrich]

No you are not shallow and worthless. Physical attraction and sex are an extremely important part of any relationship, if they were not we'd all just marry our best friends (as you seem to have done). I think you know the answer yourself, that is your marriage has no hope of working given the way you feel and it does not sound like things will change, probably only get worse. My advice is you should do the right thing by both of you and that is end the marriage. If you don't I suspect you will both become very unhappy and resentful of each other. No doubt your partner, who sounds like a great guy, will be hurt. But teh hurt will be short term compared to the long term damage that may occur if you continue the way you are going. Accept he will be hurt, accept you will feel guilty but I think you know in your heart that things will not work and you have to be true to that. Do things properly, communicate your thoughts honestly, be strong, be empathetic with him (I am sure in his heart also he knows that things are not sustainable, he sounds like a smart guy). My bet is that you will find that the two of you will be great friends again, without the complications of an intimate relationship.

[Michael2]

This is why marriage carrys no weight anymore. What a shame.

 

You should have really thought about this before you married the poor guy.

 

[-(

 

 

PS: Can you expand on this LOVER in NY. Are we talking about someone other then your husband

[melrich]

Excellent advice Michael2. Does that help t-Dog?

[t-dog]

Thanks for all the advice. Yes, Michael2, the person in New York was not my husband. I told him I needed to take a break and figure out what I wanted to do. That break included physical exclusivity with my husband. Don't worry, personally, neither of us are christian and we don't believe in vows before god or anything. We decided to get married because both of us had been in long-term relationships where we just sat around and thought about all the reasons not to commit. We gambled as they do in Las Vegas, and took a big commitment.

 

I wish we had dated longer to discover our true feelings for one another. I also feel like I committed to a marriage too soon. I'm very preoccupied with trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and I don't think a marriage with anyone would work for me now.

 

The problem is, he just won't listen to me. I've told him everything. I told him that I don't think I'm really in love with him, I've told him that it's important for me to work on my own happiness at home with my family and friends. I've told him our age difference is a big problem for me.

 

And sometimes he understands and says he just wants to be happy. But when I try to leave, it becomes unbearable and I can't stand hurting him. Now, I'm here with him in Los Angeles and I just want to leave. He sees that I am miserable and he's doing everything to help me. He even called a therapist for me to work out my problems when he knows the reason I'm depressed is because I'm just not living the life I want. He says he feels like we really belong together; I feel like we do not.

 

If I leave it will destroy him (he's okay with me being here and miserable), if I stay it will destroy me. I feel like I'm sacrificing everything for him to be happy, but I'm dying inside.

[melrich]

T-dog, you are wrong. If you stay it will destroy you AND HIM. It is a cliche but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You have expressed all your feelings and concerns, you have given him the chance to accept these, now you need to make your decision and go ahead with it. Someone is always hurt in a break up but hat does not mean the break up should not have happened.