i need to let go but i just can't

[barley]

hello everyone ive been reading your posts for a couple of weeks now and found them very helpful.

 

Condenced background

 

my bf & i were together for almost two years. We knew each other before this he used to frequent the shop where i worked we got chatting and swapped mobile numbers. We were both in relationships at this time. I moved to a new job, again in a shop and he started visiting me there.my then relationship broke down violently (his violence not mine), Anyway started seeing new guy on the rebound didnt expect it to go anywhere he had said he wouldn't end his current relationship because of the kids 4 & 18mths. I was fine with that he was just mr right now. 6mths passed i was getting grief off the ex (he wanted me back) but i had no feelings left for him the breakup had been coming for a couple of years (we were together 11). However he wouldnt give up he constantly harassed me, he knew nothing of this other guy by the way for obvious reasons. my new guy was my shoulder to cry on very understanding and loving. Then one day while we were chatting away i told him i loved him, i didnt plan it it just came out. I expected him to end it there and then but instead he said it right back, things were great he said he wanted to be with me but he felt guilty for the kids. 4mths later he calls me at 3am to tell me his girlfriend walked out on him, we left it a few weeks and then i told my then ex about him, OMG from then on he tried everything to break us up (the ex and i had been split up 18mths at this point). I wont bore you with the details but basically i lost my home and my family to be with this new guy. We went to hell and back but nothing could keep us apart, i eventually got a place of my own and my now ex stayed one night and never went home. we were in heaven for 3mths until he told his ex about me. She seemed to take it well at first and then the phone calls started, she'd be drunk telling him to get round to hers because the kids were playing up, then what a crap boyfriend he had been to her and how bad a father he was, then she'd phone his mom in the middle of the night drunk and tell her how rubbish he was. All this put pressure on us but we'd been through so much it never occurred to me that this would be a problem.

 

The beginning of the end

 

He started to be a little distant, he would usually bound in the flat and squeeze the life out of me but now he was different loving but not so over the top as his normal self. i asked him what was wrong and if i could help and he reassured me he was just a little bit down, he even booked us a holiday saying we needed some time alone without any outside influence. Then he started coming later and later to see me, turning his back on me in bed, i was hurt but said nothing for a few days. One night whilst we were in bed i asked him outright if he was going to leave me he replied no silly i love you and i'd hardley book a holiday if i was leaving you would i, that was good enough for me. he came to see me the next night tuesday 4th may saying he had told the ex about our holiday(because he had his kids overnight every week and wouldn't be able to that week) she didn't take it too well saying he thought more of me than his kids. He went very quiet for the rest of the night. The next night he comes in saying he's confused and fed up needs some space so he wont be seeing me for a couple of nights but will keep in touch. he text and rang the next day but by fri no texts and no calls. So i call him he is so nasty to me saying i made him depressed and he didn't know if he loved me anymore because it had gone from being a pleasure to being a chore,i was heartbroken and hung up the phone.i used nc until the following thursday and then i text him with are you ok? he text back 'no im not' so i asked why and then my world fell apart as i read his reply 'ITS OVER SO LETS JUST LEAVE IT. I was in shock i tried to ring but he wouldnt answer.so i text saying he couldnt mean it, he said he did and that was it.Its been 3 weeks today since he left ive text him a few times most have been ignored the replies only to reinforce that its over. He text me today to pick up his things i ended up begging him by text to come ans talk to me, but still he says its over. How can this be how can he say and do all those things and then a few days after leave, im so confused and hurt i know its no use keep contacting him because he's made his mind up, but i cant let go i love him so much

 

please help how do i deal with this

[KatieCutie0]

hey,

leaving someone behind can be soo difficult, i kno it. im still trying to get over this one guy, and i was upset for a long time. but "this to shall pass". it may sound stupid, but its true, and i say it all the time when im miserably unhappy. avoiding him wont help as much as some people think it will, it makes you think about him more and more... that doesnt mean that you should follow him every where, it means that you shouldnt change your regular everyday routines. dont "try" to not think about him, because that will only cause the exact opposite. this may all sound confusing, but its the truth.

i hope this helps, its helping me to get through it too.

ill Ttyl. Byez.

[barley]

Thanx for the advice katiecutie. he contacted me by text last night to ask when he can collect his stuff, he wants me to leave it outside so he don't have to see me he said cus he don't want his heart overuling his head. Im even more confused now.

[KatieCutie0]

hey,

it sounds like he's feeling this pain too, either that, or he's trying to drag your pain. agree with him, dont "try" to see him when goes to collect his things. because, either he'll wig out because hes hurt, or youll break down because he doesnt care.

boys are confusing, no offense meant to any of them, but its the truth. if we just follow the clues and pick up on their hints, we'll all be ok.

i wish you the best, i hope you'll be able to get over this guy.

see you around.

byez.

[im_not_jose]

wow, I dont know what to say. you seem like a really nicest and caring person and i feel really sorry for what you have to go through. i dont have an aweful lot of brilliant advice to give you and i dont really know why he's acting the way he is. I think any decent person should atleast give a good explanation as to why things are ending. and to be fair, girls are just as confusing, because i also never got any closure on my ex either, just the ''its not you, its me'' bit (after a 3 year relationship *sigh*). to this day, i still dont know what went wrong.

 

but in your case, i think its really unfair, especially when it seems obvious his ex has something to do with it. my advice would be to just do as he asks, dont keep texting him, but maybe leave him a letter with his stuff when he comes to pick it up saying you realize he must be going through something and hopefully one day he will get it sorted and will feel open enough to tell you or speak to you again... and until then, just continue with your own life and try enjoying the small things life has to offer. and remember that there are so many wonderful things out there, other nice guys to meet, etc...

 

Best of luck and take care

[barley]

hey im_not_jose

 

Thanx for the kind words. He came and picked up his things on thursday of last week, i left them outside because truthfully i didn't want to see him either (too painful). He texted me saying 'iv'e got it babe good luck xxx' i just texted back 'ditto'. iv'e used NC since then until today that is, i saw something whilst surfing the net i just knew would make him smile, so i emailed it him(yeh i know stupid springs to mind). (It's the only form of contact i can have with him now as i have erased every trace of him from my mobile phone ).He mailed me back saying 'yeh it did make him smile, hopes im ok, he missed my company (so why doesn't he get a dog), that he's sorry if the way he handled the break up seemed harsh, he did what he thought was right (for who i question) and hopes that WHEN HE is finally over ME we can talk again. Why is he acting like i broke up with him? im so confused but angry also. I want to mail him back and ask for some answers. Should i mail him back or carry on with NC i just don't know. any advice?

[im_not_jose]

Well, I can only imagine that he would be acting the way he is doing for 1 of 3 reasons. The first being that you have somehow wronged him so badly that he decided to completely cut you out of his life (from what I gather of you and the situation, this seems very unlikely!), or secondly that somehow he has become convinced that being with you wouldn't be good for him or perhaps his children, or finally that he is ashamed of something and doesn't want you to judge him for it.

 

Since you mentioned that his ex has been interfering, I'm more inclined to believe that she has something to do with it; maybe with regards to the upbringing of his children perhaps. I don't know, I'm really just an armchair psychologist. But, in all honesty, I really think that his way of dealing with the break up is a bit immature and he should have respected you more. He probably thinks what he is doing is best, but there you go, everyone thinks they know whats best for other people.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is to keep up with the NC. It's understandable that you are angry, but don't let yourself get bitter, because it's not going to do you any good. Sometimes people float into your life suddenly and turn things upside down, but it's not always going to work out. If this guy isn't willing to open up to you completely and appreciate you enough to want to be with you, there's no mountain you can shift, no words you can say to change that. Only he can. I've been there, and all it did was just make it worse and worse until I started losing it in here -> and began

 

I know what you mean! Sometimes you want to just corner that person, who drives you crazy with passion and force them to tell you "What the f*ck is going on!?"

 

But, from what I gather from your post, it wasn't passion or romance that was lacking. Something else just didn't fit. The best thing you should do is just think of it as a closed chapter of a book and begin a new chapter for yourself, with new plans, hopes, dreams, hobbies, friends... well, I hope you know what I mean. As much as it is frustrating, life is about the high's and low's and just remember that there are a lot of people in this world who are going through the same thing right now.

 

Take care of yourself and have faith that things will work out some way or another.

- jose