20 now and still nothing

[1Adam12]

Ok normally I wouldn't post like this since after what happened to me and the last girl I tried to ask out failed but basically I've been doing alot of thinking and I ask this alot about myself: Why is it that I'm 20 now and still no gf, nothing..I'm not a big partier at all since that last post I made you'd know that but I'm just wondering if maybe I should just give up concentrate on finishing college and getting my degree and starting my career and just voiding it all out of my life?..I mean I haven't gotten anywhere now so why keep trying?..What do you guys think?

 

Phillip

[Alabama]

I feel the same way at times...I'm 18 and I've gotten a lot of rejections under my belt...I sometimes wonder why I've never had a girlfriend...but I'm still living, and life still goes on...so really I would keep looking...I'm going too...until the day I die...

[cakes]

Hey Phil,

 

Ahh, don't worry about it. I know that hopeless feeling you might get after failure but try to think about it another way- that if it didn't work out, you're better without anyway. And for the most part- under the most unexpected times is when you really find what you've been always looking for. Things really do happen Phil!!! So it's not like there is no hope!!!

 

But I would agree- focus on what's really important like your schoooling and other things you love to do.....Girls will always be around...When you lose the sense of urgency of being with someone..i think you get a beter perspective of things!!! NO worries!!

[mahlina]

Okay Phil ,

 

This is how I see it. I see that you're kinda feeling down in the dumps about this right? Don't be. You are okay. Actually, I like that you're asking this question, because it just shows that you're mature for your age. 2o, and asking this kind of question? I know some guys who are 23, doing nothing with their lives, and pumping gas at the gas station, smoking pot, and getting stoned all day!

 

I respect you for asking this question. My best advice for you to keep on doing what you're doing, but date. Yes Phil, it's important to get to know others of the 'oppossite sex.' My other advice is to not try too hard. If you happen to stumble accross a few people who you might have interest in, then take it like a 'relaxed joe' approach, and be like, "Hey, you want to get some Krispy Kreme's or go for coffee or something?" Hehe. I know. I don't know if you guy's have Krispy Kreme's over there, but anywhere that's just fun, a popular place like an outdoor shopping center, with a cinema (and don't forget, the arcades! )

 

Whatever you do Phil, you want to make your college experience enjoyable. That means that you shouldn't limit yourself on 'meeting new' people, and going out on dates. I know that you're not a big party person. I'm not either, but I love to dance though (and do enjoy the night life sometimes), but just hate the small talk at Bars and parties. So, I'll usually be really choosy of the places that I want to go with friends or a date. It doesn't mean that I'll deprive myself to just sticking my nose in the books.

 

What I'm saying is: Find a Balance. It also doesn't mean that we should jump at every opportunity that comes accross us. Be very 'selective' to the girls that you want to know. I don't get guys who don't even know girls, and just come up to them out of 'nowhere,' and ask for their numbers. It's like, "Okay, Hello stranger. Nice to meet ya, but I don't think that we can hang." Literally, some guys think that coming up to a girl, who the girl doesn't know, will help them to 'get lucky.' I guess some girls will straight up give their numbers out, verses other girls don't. But what I"m saying is: get to know the girl first, then ask for her number, so that you don't set yourself up for disappointment.

 

I know that some guys work up the 'confidence' to walk up to girl, and ask for the chicas number, and all they'll get is a big 'Diss.' I give much props to them for being confident or couragous in trying, but it won't necessarily win them any luck. I also heard a lot about how some guys don't take rejection that well. I guess so, I don't know, but, what they don't realize is, half of the time, it's the 'approach' that might set them up for 'failure.' Because a cautious girl will think, "Okay, this guy doesn't even know me, and he wants my 7 digits already? Boy, I guess someone just wants to get laid." Yes, sometimes, approaching a girl, in which the girl doesn't know a guy that well, she'll often think that way, because she doesn't want to get hurt, or caught up in an 'uwanted' situation, by opening certain doors in her life, that will only cause her more 'grief'. She thinks the same as you. Finish school, find a job, and then start dating, or just sit there and hope for the best, right?

 

No, that's not the best thing to do. Phil, I noticed that since the last girl, you've gained a ton more confidence. Good for you! Think about it. If you would've taken other peoples advices, and backed down on 'getting to know her,' then you wouldn't have learned from the experience right? People learn from experiences. That means, you learn from your losses or gains. Even though she mentioned having a b/f, at least you can look at yourself and congradulate yourself by saying, "At least I got her digits, and we hung out a few times. I must be a Pimp! Yeeah!" J/K! No, but seriously, at least, you did get her number/hung out with her a 'few' times. You succeeded in that way.

 

Phil, some girls won't even give you the time of day, if they didn't see at least a little bit of interest in you. Even if they have 'lukewarm' feelings for you, they will allow themselves to know you. Learning about others, will help you learn about yourself. It doesn't mean that every person that the girl knows, she'll decide to become serious. It's all a 'learning prcoess' for both parties. To gain wisdom of the oppossite sex, through 'experiences' in getting to know their personalites. So by saying, "I'm writing the 'dating scene' off of my list in life," is not the best approach. Experience is. That means getting out there, and being proactive, by learning about others, which in turn, allows you to learn about yourself.

 

Like I said, don't go out and look, but if you happen to stumble accross one in class:

1. Strike up a conversation.

2. Get to know her slowly.

3. Don't be her lap puppy. But allow yourselves to talk about stuff in your lives. (Problems about feeling like you're getting older. LoL! J/K! Or bitter professors, who take their problems out on students. Whatever it is, talk, even if it's superficial. It kinda adds a little charm, in attracting a girl. Keep conversations light hearted. At the same time, keep it simple, and take it slow. Some guys get into things too quickly, expect too soon, and appear too eager.)

4. Then slowly move your way in, and say, let's go get some snack at the cafeteria.

These are ways that will help you to meet a 'potential.' Afterwards:

5. Focus on making 'finsihing' school: your priority.

6. Settle into your career.

7. Start finding a person to be 'serious' with. This is the best time, because you don't have to worry about school, have accomplished your goals, and are financially stable to provide for a family or a marriage. (If you do find a 'honey' a long the way, then keep her. By then, that's the BEST time to 'settle down,' and start your happy life with that 'special someone.')

 

That's probably the 'smoothest' approach that I can think of for a guy. So try that out Phil. The more you learn from others, the more you will learn about yourself.

 

My other ex, who was older than me, finished 8 years of schooling and everything, he took on your 'approach.' And, in the end, despite his finsihing 8 years of schooling and being financially 'ready' to settle down, he didn't have as much experience to help him really get to know what he wanted. In some ways, he was 'deprived.' He did have 2 serious romances, but compared to other his age, that was pretty small. Although he was the biggest 'braniac,' he lacked that kind of 'life experience' in the 'dating' department. No doubt, I think, if he would've been more open to 'options' during his undergrad years, I think that he would've scored lots of dates, because:

1. He was a handsome guy. (My friends didn't thnk so, but I did.)

2. He had the brains.

3. I think that most girls would've dug him for both qualities.

 

You know Phil, not all one look, or attitude satisfies all. So, find your 'nitch,' then start from there, in the 'dating' scene. I used to think like you too, but after a while, I started losing 'enthusiasm' for life. But when I finally allowed myself to open up, and go on dates to get to know other guys, I found that life is fun. That's what we need, for a 'healthy' college life, is to 'get to know others', so that we see what shoe fits us best, when we're ready to 'settle' down.

 

So Phil, to recap:

1. Priorities- School first.

2. Enjoy the college life- Get to know others. Mingle. Find your nitch.

3. Finding a nitch, will help you to run into the people who will best fit your 'type.'

4. "Balance"- Keep things fun and light hearted, and at the same time, prioritize everything. Make sure that all departments in your life: schooling, health, studying, dating, and socializng are all in 'balance.'

 

Indulge yourself in learning 'new' things, and enduring 'new' challenges and people in your life. Along that process, you'll be attracting the 'right' kind of women, who will like you for who you are. (Instead of those shallow tricks, who are still stuck in the 'high school' scene!)

 

I know that it also means, letting your guard down, and talking to people who you would normally not communicate with. Phil, my advice also follows with life in general. Not just getting to know the oppossite sex, but everyone from different cultures, backgrounds, religions, etc. Even if you're a shy person, it's good to try to 'push yourself,' in learning about other's and 'new' things. It makes life more meaningful. I've learned a lot, by getting to know others. It helps to keep my life balanced, even if it's people that I'm not comfortable talking to: like Gothic people, hardcore heavy medal listeners, super eccentric individuals, or elders who can't speak English, or foreign exchange students. Sometimes, elders who can't speak English will come up to me in the cafeteria, and practice their 'English' on me, and I'll say, "You're doing a Grreat Job!" I'm not as comfortable, but allowing myself to keep an open mind, gives me a great experience in expanding my horizons, in learning about how to 'deal' and 'get along with others', so that it will benefit me more in future 'adverse' situations, such as work. I also get to learn about their cultures as well.

 

Opening up to people in general, makes life more cheery. Tttaste the rainbow. (Skittles Commercial. I know. Lame. But I love that slogan!) Honesty Phil, don't close up on certain things in your life okay? It will only 'stunt' personal growth, and prevent you from enjoying the 'better' things in life.

 

I know you'll learn & become smart throughout these 'life epxeriences.'

Good Luck! You go Phil!

Keep this in Mind k? It's one of my favorite quotes:

"Attitude is Everything!"

Mahlina

 

P.S.- Whatever you do: Make the best out of your own life, As much as you possibly can, Each day, and Everyday! Have fun!

[1Adam12]

Thanks everyone Mahlina especially all of these posts made me feel better about what I've been thinking lately..Luckily I start summer college classes next week and I've landed a fairly decent job so who knows whats in store for me.

 

P.S. Congrats Mahlina on making Royal Member!!..your one of the best posters on here who can give very informative advice that can make a difference in the people who are reading them or needing the advice..

 

Phil

[mahlina]

Thank you Phil,

 

I enjoy reading & giving advice to your posts. Your posts posts keep me interested. They are mature, and get to the point. Answering to your posts, helps me to reinforce things in my life as well, adding more spark to my life, and reminds me of the important things in life. In one way or the other, helping you, helps me.

 

And, I'm glad to hear that people like you, come here, ask for advice, and actually take it. That's great! It shows that you are 'open-minded' enough, to actually look at things from another point of view, to improve yourself. After all, that's the point in life: "Learning from experiences, to improve ourselves, to build up that strong person." Life gets harder. And the last thing that we need to do, is to resort to seeing the ugly side of life, and actually giving into it. Life has so much more to offer. It doesn't mean that we always have to take one's advice. But if it's meant better ourselves, then, hey, why not right?

 

So, thank you Phil, for your posts, insight, open-mindedness, and most importantly, your maturity! It just proves to me, that you are a smart person, with a 'good head on your shoulders', who has a lot of potentials! Keep your quality posts rollin! Have fun in summer school, and in everything else that you do! Take Care, Mahlina

[Caldus]

Great post mahlina.

 

I realize now that I've pretty much wasted my first year of college studying all of the time and generally being afraid to meet new people because I've been living under a rock for a few years. But you have to start somewhere right? I'm going to make a committment to myself to just meet new people and try to forget about the whole thing for a while and see how it all goes. What is a good way to make this committment? Should I just keep saying to myself over and over again or what is a good method? I really need to try and I know I won't unless I make this committment.

[mahlina]

Hi Caldus,

 

I think that the best approach is to take it slowly one day at a time. Practice each and everyday. It's best that you kinda just sit there and let it happen. Meet new people, by just opening up to them, when they talk to you. Like I mentioned previously, don't try hard, but when the opportunity comes: take it. For instance, if you're just sitting there in class, and if there's a person who you just click with in discussions, and if he/she wants to hang out & do more bonding, then get to know that person. I used to close up and say, "No, I'm busy."

 

But at the same time, you want to be 'selective' with those who you get to know, same sex, or oppossites. Because, #1. Your peers do 'influence' you in your life. Friends that you make all throughout life, do influence you in one way or the other. So, it doesn't mean that you should be bestfriends with everyone that you meet. What I'm saying is, have lots of acquaintences, but a 'few' close and trusted friends.

 

About meeting others of the oppossite sex, well when the opportunity arises. Make an effort to get to know others, but don't try to hard. Just be friendly, and you'll make friends back. I know that some people try really hard to make friends as well, I respect them, but sometimes, when people try too hard like that, I think that they set themselves up for failure, because they put too much emotions into it. So Caldus, take it one day at a time. Be friendly and open about your opinions to others, when they approach you, or you approach them, vice versa, during 'small talks.' By opening up, you feel 'less' closed up, and wrapped up in your own world. I hope this makes sense.

 

I see that some people are usually 'straightforward,' and 'linear' people, who don't ever look for change. It's either this way, or no way. They're always by the books. They're usually not warm, and 'friendly' as individuals, cold and closed up. People like that, to me, will never truly 'grow' as individuals. They live out such stagnant lives, that seem to be so emotionless, and unmeaningful. What I'm saying is: that kind of attitude, stunts 'personal' growth. And in the end to me, that attitude doesn't lead to happiness, but rather selfishness and denial.

 

Make a commitment to yourself to have that positive attitude. Do that when you first wake up in the morning. Ask yourself: What do I want to do to make my day worth living, today? By doing so, it's like you're picking yourself up, piece by piece, little by little, and changing into a more 'positive,' happy, and 'new you.' Everyday is a 'new' day. So, it's our thoughts that stop us. Unlike those stale type of individuals. Nothing's wrong with them, but with that kind of attitude, I don't think that they'll enjoy a 'positive personal growth.' After all, living's about being happy, if they're happy that's cool. But, it's about being more of yourself each and everyday, and enjoying life for everything that it is. (I'm starting to feel like those 'business' guys, on those infomercials. ) But you get what I'm saying right? Be yourself. Be happy.

 

Open up and express yourself out of selflessness. Sooner or later, you'll come to realize that life has so much more to offer. I wish the best of luck to all of us. I know that life's tough, and it's so easy to down ourselves with our emotions, but that's what we need to do: is strive for improvemnt. Learning about others, helps us to learn more about ourselves.

 

Most importantly, there are no right or wrong answers. The answers are all within ourselves, we just have to dig deeper to find it. Take things one day at a time. Enjoy the little things in life, things that keep us going. The simple things in life, remind us of who we are, and what we're passionate about. Build on that go-getter attitude. Mental endurance is what's important, and will carry on strong.

 

Attitude is Everything,

Mahlina

 

P.S.- Remember that whatever you do, try to always balance having fun in your lives. Take Care!

[Caldus]

That's a good idea. I think I will just wake-up every day and think of some way to improve myself and then try to reach that goal by the end of the day or by the end of the week or whatever time frame. I don't want to be a 'stale' person either, but I always seem to present myself that way and I need to just to slowly develop the ability to just be able to smile everywhere I go and just say something to other people in my classes or where I am. I know I can do this. I have the mindset that it is very possible. It's just a matter sticking to that committment every day of the summer so that when I return to school, I will be the kind of person that I want to be when I'm around other people. I understand what you're trying to say about being selective too, so I will keep that in mind.

 

I really do appreciate you taking the time to address my situation. It means a lot to me that someone like you who has already 'made it to the other side' wants to help those who haven't quite 'gotten it' yet like me. You're right, it takes time. And I have all summer to improve! Thanks for the post. You are really good at giving advice!

[sweetapples]

Good stuff Mahlina.

Your posts tend to be thoughtful and very descriptive. Nice work.

[PAdreamer]

Don't worry too much. My boyfriend is 27 and we just found each other. Sometimes it just takes a while for life's plan to pan out and you find someone. You've got time. No worries.