Strange signals.. need some guidance..

[Something funny]

Ok, so I've been doing No Contact for quite a while now (more than 2 months), and the last week, my ex has been emailing and phoning several times. She's said before that she wants us to be friends, but there's still something fishy about her calls. I've told her several times "don't call me, I'll call you", and yet she keeps contacting me.

 

I mean there's nothing romantic about our conversations, but I still find it odd that she won't give me more time to breathe when I'm obviously asking for it. Now she wants me to take care of her cats for a few days (which is strange, when we were together she never liked leaving them at my house! I just have to ask her about that..) and basically it seems like she's trying to reestablish contact.

 

However, I'm not in the mood for a simple friendship, at least not at this point. How will I know if she just wants to be friends? If she's simply contacting me out of pity or guilt, I'd like to tell her in a polite way to f*ck off, at least for now.

 

Please, some advice.. I'm just so confused and tired right now. I just don't know what to do. I lack direction.

[OceanEyes]

Hey SF ...

 

It sounds like you have little, or even no interest left in this girl. There isn't really anything in your post that leads me to believe that you would ever consider getting back together with her.

 

Basically, if she continues calling just to make chit-chat, she's trying to deal with the break-up in her own way. It's probably extremely hard for her, the thought of you not being in her life, so she's trying to hold onto as much of you as she can for as long as she can. Basically she's hurt and feeling lonely, and probably really misses you. You didn't mention whether or not she's tried to initiate contact with you? The minute she does, she obviously wants to re-establish contact with you, thus probably meaning that she wants you back.

 

I don't know what happened between you two, and it doesn't really matter. If you REALLY don't want to talk to her and don't want anything to do with her right now, face her head on and tell her that. She does actually have a right to know.

 

It's going to hurt her no matter how you tell her. You can help to spare her feelings a bit though, by just explaining that you absolutely need to have your own time to think right now, no contact whatsoever. Be very clear about that, even if she seems emotional. She will get over it, but to me, it sounds like she's lacking closure right now. Just be totally straight with her and she'll deal. Honesty and frankness are key in getting your point accross with someone who doesn't *take a hint*.

 

Hope it works out!

[Something funny]

Thanks!

 

But the thing is.. I do still love her.. I think. At least I would give her another shot. She dumped me after all. The point is that I think a friendship would be too much of a hassle at this point since there are way too many things that have been left unsorted.

 

I was crushed after she left me, and now she's trying hard to initiate contact. At this point however, I'm not sure what I want to expect. If she wants to give our relationship another serious shot, I'd really like that. But what I don't want is beating around the bush, being some kind of awkward friends. I just want to know what she's after, and I don't think I could ask her now.

[Something funny]

Maybe the best thing was if I just told her; "I can't handle being friends with you". I once said to her that true love never dies, it just falls asleep. And I don't think it would be very wise for us to hang around eachother if that love suddenly awakens again, without response.

 

But still, I don't know. I don't want to be her "friend", and yet, I don't want to drive her away completely. It's just like CeeGee told me here on the boards earlier, if I'm going to let her back into my life, she'd better have something worthwile to offer. My heart is really unstable right now and I can't handle empty glimmers of hope and games.

[dikaia880]

I think you should be honest with her...

Simply tell her what you said in your last post..

 

That your trying to move on and if all she wants is to simply be friends your not ready for it...Remind her of what you said, which is a great quote by the way!, Say "Remember when I told you love never dies, it just falls asleep? At this point I wouldn't want to make things difficult by trying to be friends and have the love I have for you emerge again causing problems with being friends. (if you do want to be friends tell her that in time you two can be friends but that your just not ready) tell her (without saying it directly) that you'd want to try again, but make sure it's done in a sub-conscious manner...make her wonder if thats what you'd want...

 

She may be trying to get back together with you and you obviously don't want to shut out that possibility...or she may just trying to be friends...the cat thing is suspicious, esp. if she never did it when you were going out...

She could be using it as an excuse to contact, or she could simply be using you because she's in a jam and thinks you will bend ove backwards for her (probably not, but it's not a bad idea to be careful, you don't want to be her doormat!)

 

Good luck and I think the answers will come to you soon enough!

[Something funny]

Yeah, I'll try to get into a position where I can tell her that.

 

And about the cats; at first I thought she might just be using me, cause she was going away and didn't have anyone to take care of them. But then she phoned and said that she'd forgotten that she'd already promised someone else to take care of them, but she still asked me if I could take them for a few days earlier, for no reason at all!

 

So she really IS looking for a reason to speak to me. But the question is, is she trying to initiate some kind of friendship, or is she coming back? I dare not hope for the latter.. she probably is looking for friendship, something I don't think I can give her at this point..

[Belle]

SF,

 

I feel your agony. I called my ex after I broke up and told him point blank that I wanted to stop sabotaging the relationship. We talked a couple of times and then he emailed me once and now we're not talking at all because he won't call. I left the ball in his court but he doesn't seem that interested in anything at this point, although initially he wanted to see me the next day after we spoke. I guess I overwhelmed him with my honesty.

 

I think if you were honest with her and told her you didn't think you could handle being friends, you will either get the response you need or at least protect yourself since she's not telling you what she really wants. It takes a lot of guts to do what I did and lay it all out on the table. I don't think your girl could do that. If you tell her you can't just be friends right now, she may get the picture and open up. If not, at least you'll have another few months to heal before she tries it again. I get the impression she does want to try again. But I wouldn't put myself in a situation that's unbearable of being friends when it will hurt me.

 

Belle