Found out today that husband has cheated

[hurtabandoned]

My husband came clean about his cheating today. I am devastated. It's after 4 in the morning and I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. Words can not express the pain that I'm feeling right now.

 

I know that we were having problems but why did he feel the need to do this to me? All I wanted in this world was to feel loved.

 

We have a daughter that turns 3 in a few weeks. I don't think that he realizes that he hurt her as well. For her sake I want to put this behind us.

 

I feel so sick inside. I feel so lost. I would really appreciate advice and a few kind words.

 

And for anyone reading that is contemplating cheating on a spouse....don't.....it causes more pain than you will ever know.

 

Thanks All,

hurt&abandoned

[kungfumaster]

Hi Hurt and abandoned,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Honestly, I cannot give you any advise, but just know that I am up to after 4 in the morning too and I just hope you will find the strength for yourself and your daughter to deal with this as best you can, and if you can wait until the morning - I think there will be more wise people to give you advise.

 

But, just reading your post, I know that you are a really good, loving person, with great courage to even have the thought of wanting to get over this for your daughters sake.

 

May God give you strength and courage in your time of need now.

Kung fu

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

this is just to offer you some support.

 

Do whatever you need to do right now to digest this. It's tough so share, talk, express, do what you feel.

 

If you need to get in touch directly, you can as well email removed

 

Stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

 

PS: just one word of advice. Don't act by implusion now. Wait a few days to a couple of weeks before taking any action, whatever that action might be.

[Mr. Good Man]

As vitalcoaching stated don't make any drastic decisions as you are very emotional at this time.

 

More important do not begin to blame yourself for another's actions. You will question yourself, self-worth and wonder how could he do this to you!

 

I have caused the pain you are going through too many times in the past. Yet, I have also been on the receiving end as well!

 

Try to find a trusted friend (or stranger) and vent, cry, scream...just let it all out.

 

In time, you will discover what's the next move for you. In my experience, you shouldn't stay in the relationship for your child. That will be the biggest mistake you could ever make. You have to stay because you choose to stay for you!

[lisaria]

Dear hurt and abandoned,

I am so very, very sorry you are going through this. My ex cheated also and it was the first time I had ever truly felt what it means to be cheated on. I always thought that if someone didn't want me and wanted to be with someone else then they could go to hell for all I cared. But it's not that simple. My feelings were too deep for him to let it go and it's been three and a half months since we split and I miss him every freaking day. I don't know how I get through alot of them, but I do. You will too.

It's still too early to make any kind of choice about you two and that's ok. You just have to keep going until you can think clearly, or as clearly as this situation will allow. There are so many things that you are feeling now that are normal. It hurt my feelings so bad I just wanted to die. But I have two girls that kept me here. You have your daughter. Someone that depends on you totally and that D@#Head should have known better. If you have to vent then do it. If you have to scream in your pillow do it. I cried in the shower so my girls wouldn't hear me. In the bathroom at work. Find someone to talk to. Maybe a counsellor. Would he go to counselling with you, IF you decide that's what you want?

How did you find out? Did he tell you? What does he say about it? Is he sorry? I know there are so many confused thoughts going through your mind right now that it seems like it will never be better or even normal. But remember you will get through this. It will be so very, very hard, but you will get through it. Be strong honey. We are all here for you anytime you need us. I'm so sorry. I wish there were something I could do take this awful pain away from you.

Lisa

[hurtabandoned]

Thank you all for your thoughts. Your posts have given me comfort. I have read them over several times. I'm glad to here from anyone who has been in this position. After reading your story I don't feel so alone. It feels good to know that others understand.

 

I'll provide some more details on my situation. A few days prior to my husbands confesssion I found a keychain that had his name and another womans name on it. I confronted him with it and he gave me an explanation that I knew was a lie.

 

My heart wanted to believe something that my mind new was wrong. I was suspicious and I decided that I had to know the truth. While he was asleep I looked through the phonebook on his cell phone. I saw the same name that was on the keychain.

 

Believing that ignorance is not bliss, I called the number. My husband was lying to her too. He told her he was divorced. Needless to say that the affair is most definitely over. My husband only confessed when he was confronted.

 

As it stands now my husband would like nothing more than if I pretended this never happened. I don't think that he's very happy with himself right now.

 

Thank you,

hurt&abandoned

[lisaria]

Hey hurt,

It helps knowing you're not alone in this, doesn't it? I wish I had found this site when I found out my ex was cheating, it took me about a month, but I was so glad when I finally did. It has saved me from calling him or emailing him so many times. Saved my self-respect cause I'm sure I would have said or done something stupid.

I am sure your man would rather forget this. So would you, wouldn't you? I sure would. I even wished many times that I had not found out because then things could have gone on and we'd still be together. Is he sorry he got caught or sorry he hurt you? Has he ever given you a reason to wonder before? How long have you been together? So many things to think about right now. But one main thing you need to think about is you. And your daughter. You have to do what is right for the two of you.

There are going to be some tough days ahead of you. Just remember that it feels like the bottom has fallen out right now, but it doesn't last. It may take a while, but you'll be ok. One way or the other, you will be ok.

Get up here and vent all you want. We are here for you.

Lisa

[hurtabandoned]

Hey Lisa,

I can't begin to tell you how much help I have found here. I'm so glad that this place is here.

 

Right now things are tense on the home front. My husband and I both want to stay together. I think that he is sorry for hurting me. He hugs me and tells me that he loves me. I want to respond to him in the same manner but sometimes I have problems. As hard as I try I can't seem to get these imagined images of the two of them out of my head. Then I feel the hurt and get angry all over again.

 

I'm glad that I know the truth I just wish that I was better equipped to handle it. We have been together for seven years and married for six. I don't want my marriage to suffer further because of resentment and anger that I can't let go of. He has listened to my feelings but I don't know how to stop beating him over the head with them.

 

I went out and got a new haircut yesterday, bought some new make-up and jewelry. Spending some time on myself has helped. It was nice to see myself smile again. I have noticed that my self esteem has taken a hit from all of this. Sometimes I feel hideous. Did this happen to you?

 

Thanks for all your help and I wish you the best as well. Bless you.

hurt&abandoned

[lisaria]

Hi hurt&,

Isn't this place great? I'm glad you're spending time on yourself, making yourself feel better is what your main priority should be. If you feel better you will be more able to look at things from a new and clearer perspective.

When I found out my ex had cheated my self-esteem went straight in the toilet. I had always said that if someone ever cheated on me then they were history. I could always find someone else easily that wanted ME. And I wish I had stuck to that, but he called, we talked, I was weak. We got back together but it only lasted another month, maybe 6 wks. But I still do not feel as beautiful, strong, independent, and with it as I did before. It's just too easy to be hurt by someone you love. It hurts your ego, your self-esteem, your physical body. How many of us have made ourselves sick by not eating? Or how many of us have had our hearts actually ache? Our exes did not care. Unfortunately I gave my ex way too much power over how I felt about myself. I put him on a pedestal and figure his opinion is worth more than anybody else's including mine. When I get into a relationship I just give all of my power over to him. A lot of women do. Relationships are more important to us, so we do what we think will make him happy.

I really hope things work out for you and your daughter. Your husband needs to realize that it will take you a while before you feel ok with him. I think actions speak louder than words and if his actions don't match his words then I would think really hard about this. Have you decided on marriage counselling? It would help I'm sure.

Hang in there and we're all pulling for ya'

lisa

[hurtabandoned]

Hello again,

 

Alot has happened in the weeks following my last post. As it stood before I believed that this "thing" that he had with this other girl was over. I mistakenly figured that when she found out that her boyfriend was actually my husband that it would surely be over. My thinking was who would want to have a relationship with a man knowing that he was going home to another woman. Especially since he had told her he was divorced. It was obvious to me that everything he said to her was one big con meant to accomplish one goal. I don't have to say what that was.

 

I had also believed what my husband was telling me. He told me that it was over and he told me that after I placed the call that there had been no contact with her or anyone else. He was still acting oddly so I knew something was up.

 

My husband somehow was able to smooth things over so they could continue on. I caught him in some more lies and I confronted him. For two days straight he denied seeing anyone else but me. When he realized that I was nowhere near close to backing off he told me the truth.

 

I found out where she worked(cashier at gas station) and I told her who I was and that I knew about what happened and that it was over. My husband was not going to come back there. I think I handled it well - better than alot of women would have anyway.

 

My husband said that he was actually glad that I had taken care of it. I told him that if he was not happy that he could go or I would if that's what he wanted. He wants to start again and repair the damage. (I have heard this one before.) Only time will tell if he is serious. Until then I remain on guard.

 

Thanks for listening, needed to vent off some steam

Hurt&Abandoned

[tiger_lilies]

Dear HA,

 

I'm soooooo sorry for what you are going through. I have not been married or have children, but I have also been cheated on. I just wanted to say to you that I understand the pain you are feeling. It has been the most exquisite pain I've ever endured.

 

Actions do speak louder than words. Your last post made me mad. How dare your husband try to hang onto the other woman!!! How dare he say to you that he's glad you did the dirty work rather than him! I'm sorry HA, I just believe that you deserve better. From the outside looking in, I'd have to say that the actions of you husband do not seem as if he is truly sorry.

 

Of course he wants to work it out with you. You are the mother of his child and you are secruity for him. Without you, he will feel lost and on his own. I'm sure that you are the one who probably takes care of everything in the house too (chores and cooking). If I'm right, then what will he do when you leave him? He'll have to fend for himself.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the person you love is not the real person you thought he was? I asked myself that same question when I found out my ex cheated. How could anyone do that? I have never cheated and I am even more adement that I never will, now that I know the kind of pain involved.

 

Wish I could give you some magical advise to make everything better...please take care. Keep us updated.

[lostinlove88]

Dear Hurt,

You are a wise woman! Don't ever put your guard down and be financially independent, it helps in the long run. Good luck!

[miss_kaos]

Hi there

I totally feel your pain, yesterday I discovered that they fiance of 5 years slept with a prostitute 18 months ago and I feel sad to know that there is someone else out there feeling what I am feeling right now, because I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone. I am sitting here at 2am holding our 5 month old baby boy and I am crying all over my keyboard and asking myself why? and the worst part is I cannot find the answer and I am sure you are feeling the same way, I don't understand how the person we love and cherish so much can cause us so much pain. The best thing you can do is put yourself first for the moment and make sure you and your daughter are OK and make the decision that is best for you and her and not what you think is best for everyone else, and never think he had a right to do this because you were having problems, he is in the wrong not you.

 

The worst part for me is he cannot even admit the full extent of his guilt so he is not really sorry. I am feeling just like you my self esteem has been shattered, I am young, attractive and slim and I thought we had a good sex life but knowing he would rather go out and pay for it from a stranger makes me feel pathetic, ugly and embarrassed.

 

Does the pain ever go away, because for me it just seems to be getting worse, but it has only been one day.

[hurtabandoned]

Hello Miss Kaos,

 

Thanks for your understanding. This by far is the hardest thing that I've ever had to deal with. I cried alot when I first found out. I didn't sleep at all and the next day my eyes were swollen and red. My husband told lies as well. He told so many lies that the only way he would have been able to keep this a secret for very long was if he kept track of them in a notebook - I take that back - a file cabinet.

 

It's still very hard. I draw strenght from my 3 year old daughter. She's like a bright light that shines through all of this darkness and pain. I am with her during the day and she provides me with alot of comfort. And she makes me smile and laugh; I don't think I'd be doing much of that if it wasn't for her.

 

I try hard not to cry in front of her. I'm trying to shield her from as much of this that I can. Shortly after I found out she saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. She's only 3, so I said that my heart hurt. She then said she'd "kiss it and make it better." I picked her up and held her tight.

 

Draw strenght from your son. A child is so small but their love is the purest and you can't find that anywhere.

 

The sadness and pain surfaces the most after I put her to bed at night. I keep asking myself why too. What was he thinking? What was he trying to accomplish? How did he feel that this was going to help our marriage or our daughter? Putting myself aside, how could he do this to her?

 

My husband works third shift and he messages me from his phone when he is not busy. Two days ago during a rough patch I messaged him and told him that I was sad and I missed the way things used to be. He agreed. Then I asked him why he hurt me so badly and was I that awful?

He replied that no I wasn't and that he was.

 

This was so avoidable. You are definitely not alone here. Message me if you ever need anything. Try to smile, even if you don't want to. We will get through this okay.

 

Hurt & Abandoned

[Kittengirl]

Dear H&A,

I have just read your posts and felt I needed to respond.I had an affair, there is no excuse and I am deeply ashamed. My affair was with my boss who was married with 2 small children.I can always remember trying to break it off at the beginning and he said to me 'it will get easier with time, the lies become easier when you know you aren't going to be found out'.Why the hell didn't alarm bells ring back then? I could have saved myself 5 years of misery and saved his wife and children from a life without a husband and father. Men will always lie and the fact that your husband tried to continue his affair just reminds me of back then. If you allow him to get away with this it will happen again and again because he knows he can say he's sorry blah blah blah and you will let him back in. I can never forgive a cheater and I know it sounds hypocritical but it was the first and last time.Why would anyone want a piece of someone who belongs with someone else?I believe we all deserve the best not some leftovers from a guy who needs an ego boost.Look after yourself and your daughter and be very very cautious you don't need to be second best!

Good Luck.

[Just A Dreamer]

I agree with you in what kittengirl said but there is one point in which i don't agree.

 

I'm a guy and i know that most guys are cheaters but nature, but there are exceptions.

 

I'm in love with the most wonderful, caring, beautyful...(well no words can really describe her) in the world .

 

Anyway my point is that i would never cheat on her (EVER!!!).

I would never put in risk what we have together, and she makes me happy and satisfies every part of my life.

 

If i ever stopped loving her (Impossible but...let's suppose)...i would just talk to her and tell her how i feel but never cheat on her.

 

I couldn't fall that low!!!

 

My advice to you is the if your hasband is cheating on your, you should confront him and think about ending it, because as hard as it might sound, a cheater will alway's but a cheater.

 

Sorry, hard words but true...Good Luck!!!

[Mun]

Hi,

The only way you can save your marriage is if your husband is truly sorry for what he did and he wants to get help. Go to counseling, see a church counselor, but he must be the one seeking this help.

 

You cannot save the marriage by yourself. If you think he will continue to cheat, then why stay with him? You will lose your self-respect and the respect of your child. You will endure years of lies and deceit and become hurt and bitter in the process.

 

Cheating is never ok. You deserve a man who respects you and appreciates you.

[hurtabandoned]

Hello all,

Well things are beginning to improve on the home front. I don't have to be concerned about what my husband is doing while is on his job. He left there last week. It's a giant weight off of my mind. My panic attacks have almost stopped and it has been a few days since I've last cried.

 

He's giving me much more attention now. For the first time since I found out I was able to let him hold me without thinking about anything else but the two of us. This is a big accomplishment. I've missed the closeness that we used to have. I'm trying to focus on the positives and build on those.

 

I think that he has a better appreciation for me than he did before. He doesn't have many friends and he is not that close with his family. Without me he'll just have himself. He knows that I have been a better companion than what he deserves.

 

He understands how I feel about what happened. It still causes alot of pain. We both know that things between us won't ever be the same as it was. Even though we are working this through that part really saddens me. He has accepted what the consequences are currently and what will happen if this ever happens again. He has assured me that it will not happen again. Fixing things won't be one of the options on the table if he makes another mistake.