What do you guys think?? I really need some help.

[Waiting and Wondering]

Hey Everyone. Well, I'm new here so first of all I would like to say Hello. My name is Erin and I'm 21 years old.

 

Secondly, like so many of us who have turned to this forum I am currently going through tremendous heart ache. I have read over a lot of the other posts and the advice you all give is just wonderful. Now, I'm hoping you might be able to give me your opinions on my own situation.

 

I am sorry that this is going to be long....hope someone still manages to read it!

 

To make this as brief as possible...

My Ex and I had been together for around 2.5 years when he broke up with me at the end of February of this year. We had what I thought was a pretty good relationship. We really cared for each other, had so much fun together, travelled together, had the same dorky sense of humour, people called us inseperable, etc. In the few days leading up to the breakup, we had gotten in some arguments in which he said that he never got to do the things he wanted to do and he started to act a bit distant towards me. On the day he broke up with me he was supposed to come pick me up from school and when i called him I thought he was being "edgy" towards me and I accused him of this, then he uncharacteristically snapped at me and I got frustrated and hung up the phone. Well, when I got home later that day I called him and he completely flipped out at me telling me it was over, that I was ungrateful and selfish. Just like that...it was over. Now, this guy was completely devoted to me up to this point, always telling me he loved me, offering to do things for me etc. I think the problem was that he devoted himself to me so much that he neglected other areas of his life, whereas I had more of a balance between him and other activities and interests. I admit that I could be selfish at times but this was not because I did not care for him. It was more that because I was not used to him having that many outside interests, when he would do something "outside" its almost like I would perceive him as acting less affectionate towards me, and then I would get upset. He in turn would call me selfish....and it was kind of an on going cycle. Let me emphasize that it's not that I didn't want him to do other things...we just got stuck in certain roles. I will admit though that while I did care for him tremendously and did enjoy doing things for him (I would make him cards or get him a flower....when he had his wisdom teeth out I tried to help him forget about the pain by going to his house, playing board games with him, getting him yogurt and apple sauce and stuff to eat etc. One time he had surgery on his collar bone and couldn't move so i went over there and would just sit beside him for hours at a time) he did ultimately go "out of his way" more for me than I did for him. So, I think that when he flipped out at me on the day we broke up all his frustrations all came together and he just snapped. Looking back now, I can see that and can understand the problems that were there. It's just very sad for me to have had things end like that one day after being together so long. Even though we did have the aforementioned problems, we still had so many good times and went through a lot together.

 

In the first few weeks after we broke up I would sometimes run into him at school (this was very tough) and he acted very aloof, telling me stories about how great his life was, how much fun he was having etc. (this devestated me and I was having trouble even getting out of bed in the morning). Shortly afterwards, when we would run into each other, he started telling me how much he missed me and he told me just to wait until this school semester was done and the stress of all his classes was over and we'd get together to talk. This slowly evolved into him pretty much telling me we'd be getting back together once the semester was over, he told me he missed me "more than anything in the world" and that we'd just take things slowly. So, I was very happy because even though it was hard being apart from him, I thought we would be meeting up again once the semester was done and I really looked forward to this. I had done a lot of thinking of ways we could improve things and how I would give him more space etc. We had been so attached at the hip before that I took things for granted and it was hard for me to give him any extra space and so I fought against it. But now, standing on the outside, I could see how unfair I was being and realised that hey, we'd been apart for two months and I wasn't doing THAT terrible, giving him extra space really wouldn't be a big deal after having gone through that.

WELL, the semester ended at the end of April and there was no word about us getting together for this talk he had planned. One day I caught him on MSN and asked whatever happened to us getting together like planned..and he just said he didn't think it was a good idea anymore and was quite cold towards me. He later came back and said he was sorry and that he was a jerk, but then said he was going away to visit some friends for a week or so and would message me when he got back. Well, he came back just last week and messaged me again over MSN. He said soemthign like "I know I said we would get together to talk once I was done school but I dont think we should anymore." I asked why not and he said that he didn't know....that he just didn't want to complicate things. I asked him if he missed me and he just said "I guess...i dont know..do you miss me?" and I just said "of course, so frikin much" and he said "what is there to miss?" I was so hurt that he said that after everything we'd been through together over the past couple of years and after he had told me that he missed me SO MUCH just a few weeks before. Then he came back online later, casually told me he was sorry about before and then started chatting with me like nothing had happened. He just started telling me what was new with him etc. Well, I decided that I just couldn't talk to him anymore because it was too heart wrenching for me to have him act so aloof about everything. So I simply told him I didn't think I could talk to him anymore and he said "you don't want to??" and I just said that it would be easier for me to get over everythign and him if we didn't talk anymore. He messaged me back a couple more times saying he was sorry about everything. But we haven't talked since (its been about a week).

So I know that was horribly long, but I just wanted to write it all out because I wanted some perspective on the whole thing. I miss him so much, and even though the initial break up happened three months ago, I'm only now having to come to grips with things. I feel like I'm in shock that it could actually be all over because I got absolutely no closure. This guy cared about me so much and then just like that it was over. What do you all think? Even though I know that I should probably just move on I don't want to. I think about him all the time and I don't even know how to start moving beyond him. I mean, I've done tried to keep busy, go out with friends, volunteer, work, but ultimately, nothing helps. Do you guys think that he meant it when he said he didn't know if he missed me? How can you go from completely missing someone to not missing them so quickly?? Do you think there is any chance that we might ever be together again? I know I'm not really asking one specific question here....I guess I just want your general thoughts and opinions on this whole ordeal.

 

Thank you so much.

[Mix Maxster]

You've inspired me to write a response

 

You know with all of these posts and such I do see the whole continuing trait that it happens SO FAST without chance to reconcile or change anythign. It just happens and boom that's it, but to be honest I have no doubt that your ex was probably thinking about some issues he was never sure would change, so in other words whatever he's happy with now is what was missing from him before. If he felt suffocated or felt like there was too much pressure then chances are it was his true reasons for wanting the split, but does that mean you won't get that chance to talk to him again? i don't know about that, he probably will still act cold and bitter but he could very well be afraid to let down his guard in case the problem doesn't get addressed. Kind of his way of dealing or coping with it is to not talk about the problem or address it. So when he says that he feels like a jerk and is sorry, it's probably because he is scared of something. Either losing you or that it will go back to the same problems or feeling like he'll have to give up what he has now if he goes back. As far as things go i'd say put it all down on the plate, like just tell him what he would need for you to do to make it work for him, that if he misses hanging out with his friends or if there's too much pressure ask what you can do to help him. If he doesn't budge from this, then I'd say just dont' give him the pleasure of being your friend or anything, just leave him be and let him live with the fact that you were trying ot be mature and honest about it, but that it didn't matter in the end. Just make sure that you're not cold or snobbish, but honest and sincere so he doesn't get burned lol. Anythign else I could say would be me repeating myself, but really there's something stopping him from coming back and I think he's scared, but that's just me you'll have to try and figure out for yourself why he's acting the way he did.

 

IN THE END, to me anyways, it just doesn't make sense why one can pretend like the length of time the relationship lasted for was all wasteless or not worth it. Like the time you two spent together was in the past and it's not what they care about anymore, when in fact i think they just tell themselves that so they can get over you or what have you. I mean really how can someone be with you for 2.5 years and dump you just like that unless there was something deep down inside that was missing, or that they were just unsure about. Either way it usually leads up to them having to figure it on their own, but do what you can to make it that much easier for him to want to come back by giving him that option to but making sure he doesn't exploit it (basically blocking him on MSN or what have you so he's left ot think of it without you in the picture) and with enough time he makes a SOLID decision in that he either chooses to come back or he goes away. Either way please prepare yourself for both of them and get a feelign of what you would say and do and react, make sure to prepare for the best and the worst so you know how to handle yourself. I hope that helps?

[kungfumaster]

wow that was long - i'm surprised i got through it - but here is my skinny on your situation - actually, its more like my skinny on his situation, i.e., a view from his perspective.

 

both him and yourself felt that he did give much more than you did in the relationship and that you did not appreciate his actions (or give him time so he could do things for himself), and then that one day where he blew up, i think he basically said to himself - "why the %#%^ am i in this relationship if i'm not even appreciated?" and so began his growth period of doing stuff for himself instead of always doing things for you and the relationship - that is why in the first few weeks after the break up, he loved it so much - but then, when the stress of school came, his growth period stopped and he reverted back to his old ways of always doing stuff for you (and other people) and neglecting himself - and so the "I miss you's" and the "I want to get back togehther" sayings come pouring out, and then when school ends and the stress is gone, he has plenty of time for himself now, and so, he is back to growing and doing stuff for himself now, and hence, the "i'm not sure if it was such a good idea to get back together".

 

you see, he has just learned that it is good to do things for himself instead of other people now (in the past, that's probably how he felt good about himself - by constantly doing things for you and the relationship), and so, you have to let him have that - maybe even support him - say, "hey, i'm glad you are feeling happy" and that "you are having fun" - because then, that will tell him that you think him doing stuff for himself is good (which was not really reinforced before right?) - and then maybe once you make him feel this way, maybe he will say to himself that hey, she is happy with me doing stuff for myself - and that is okay with that - so maybe, we can have a real balanced relationship now - and i do miss her alot (which he probably does).

 

but in the meantime, you can't wait for him either - support him, but you have to move on with your life too. people always make the mistake of "waiting" for the ex's but they have to realize that they have to take advantage of this period to improve themselves.

 

oooops - this got a bit long too - but waiting and wondering - my advise to you - don't wait and wonder - i think you have a good grip on the issues you and your ex-bf had -now move on with yourself, i.e., heal yourself/improve yourself with or without him coming back.

 

take care,

kung fu

[amaranth_04]

Hi Erin,

 

How can you go from completely missing someone to not missing them so quickly??

 

Perhaps it was not all that sudden. You did say you had some arguments about what the other did/did not do. Seems like the resentment was there for a while, and that is perhaps what's feeding his current ''I'm not sure I miss you'' thoughts.

 

He did say the both of you will have the talk, and unfortunately, you took him at his word without asking for an explanation immediately. I think the talk should still happen even if for a different reason. You can clear the air with him. He seems to be open to talking to you since he's still in contact.

 

Let him know the talk need not be about getting back together but rather making sure where you stand. You've spent a substantial amount of time together and there were good times so I think it's only fair if he's upfront with you. Look into why he feels resentful exactly (you've given your perspective, ask him for his) and whether he feels like it can be worked on.

 

If he asks for more time, make sure there's a limit as you have already waited 3 months and he has obviously used that time to think about things. Maybe see if you can just meet to outline what exactly is lacking without deciding immediately on a course of action. Just get a feel of what's on his mind first.

 

Having said this, find out if he indeed has thought things thru, and he is just being a bit vague about his feelings for you now bcos he does not want to hurt you further. Meeting up for that talk which he ''promised'' before could help u see things as they really are.

 

Don't force him to see things a certain way. Listen to how he says he sees it, and if he's still willing to work on it. If he insists he does not want a chat, u could put it to him if that means he doesnt feel like he can/wants to work on the situation and would rather just start anew with someone else? cos that's how it will seem to me.

 

I'm suggesting the talk as it seems to me he could be acting out of resentment instead of being certain he has decided on this looking at things objectively.

 

Three months is long enough for someone to think things thru tho so you should be open to him having decided this in the right frame of mind, and accept it.

 

If he indeed has decided this is not for him, whatever the reasons, you will have to accept it, You can't and shouldn't make him get back into the relationship as he will only come back, for good, if he wants to. Be more upfront with each other as it seems the two of u have just let it ride for a while w/o addressing the situation more closely.

 

I'll look in again to see if you feel this perspective helps.

[Waiting and Wondering]

Well I just wanted to thank you all for the very helpful replies! And sorry my post was so long! I guess I know that the break up didn't actually come "out of the blue", especially from his perspective but at the time it seemed so sudden to me. Anyways, I will be sure to update you all soon.

[leahjschmidt]

It seems to me that a lot of people (not just guys) have problems with telling someone how they feel for various reasons; scared of getting hurt, embarrased, etc. With him going back and forth from being nice and sweet and saying "let's get back together" and then being cold and distant towards you, there's obviously something going on in his mind he's not letting you know about. Not knowing you or the situation it could be a million things, but I think you need to sit him down and make him be brutally honest with you, even if it's not what you want to hear, he needs to tell you exactly what's on his mind and you need to let him know that you're open to whatever he has to say and that you'll hear him out before you respond. Let him know it's ok to open up to you no matter what he has to say without feeling like he's going to be attacked or scared of what your reaction will be. Don't let him get away with just saying he didn't think it would work out or some lame excuse, you'll know when he's telling the truth.....good luck!

[shockeddismayed]

Waiting,

 

I think the others are giving you great advice.

 

One thing I am impressed with is that you've taken the time to see what it was you were doing that peeved him off (ie him feeling like he gave more to the relationship).

 

With my EXGF, we got together at about your age and when we did, I put a lot more effort into the relationship (at first) than she did. I courted... I was patient... I helped her get over some fears and barriers. But unfortunately I kept feeling as though there was an imbalance, even after she started putting in equal, or even more, effort into the relationship. I guess sometimes when things start off on unequal ground, the PERCEPTION of things being unfair can just continue indefinitely. Sometimes both people end up feeling like they are the ones putting in all the effort, even though in reality it has evened out. When we are in a relationship our minds are the furthest thing from rational.

 

I do think it is actually a good thing that you guys are on this break now. It takes perspective to make the playing field equal again. Had things continued as they were, he may never have let his feelings come to the surface until much much later (with more devastating consequences).

 

Now that it is out there, if you do have your chat, you need to listen... that's for sure... but he sounds like his feelings are still bottled up, so after he's said his piece, don't be afraid to suggest that you now see what might have happened to upset him. If you hit the nail on the head, he'll let you know... and more importantly, he'll trust that you understand him if you were able to come up with it by yourself.

 

However... and this is KEY... once you've made the invitation for the chat, you MUST MUST MUST start focussing on yourself. You've been in the "string along" mode for a while, and it is important that you try whatever you can to heal. Don't expect miracles, but just keep doing whatever it is makes even a tiny difference in your disposition.

 

You are strong and self aware... you will get through this