Do I really love him enough to be together forever?

[DKTO]

I am new to this site but I am in need of venting and some advice.

I was with my bf for 3 years. I broke up with him in March 04. The reason I broke it off was because he has tendencies to be possesive and jealous. I wanted to go out with friends and he was behaving like he always had, 20 questions, interogating, asking for every little detail, etc. I got so fed up and ended it. There have been other times that we had fights over things like him accusing me on cheating on him.

 

He has different outlooks on life and thats because he was brought up in a very traditional household. I was brought up semi-traditional but more progressive(if that makes sense). I was a coward and broke up over the phone and email We didn't talk for 6 weeks. No contact at ALL. Then I was walking home and he drove by. He didn't see me but I saw him and my heart sank. I was trying to get over all the feelings but they all came back as soon as I saw him.

 

I called him that night just to see how he was doing (I know big mistake but I had a weak moment). We ended up seeing eachother that night to talk. We talked, we cried, and kissed by the end of the night. He told me that he was ready to porpose to me in the summer. I was crushed. I told him I still loved him.

 

It has been 2 1/2 weeks now and we have talked everyday (like 2-3 times a day) and we are acting like we are back together even though neither of us have talked about it and we haven't told anyone (friends or family). I have some days when I can't wait to talk to hima nd other days when I feel like he is not the one for me. I have been thinking lately that maybe I really don't "Love" him that way. Love him to be married to him. Maybe I love him only as a dear friend.

 

I am soo cunfused. I constantly keep changing my mind. I certainly can't tell him, "um, I don't know if I really love you anymore". that would crush him and probably couldn't bring myself to ever say that.

 

What should I do?????

[Athena]

I think time has a way of softening the sharp edges of a rocky relationship. That is not to say that time solves those problems - it doesn't but I think that time has a way of making them seem less than what they were. Sort of like child-birth for women.

 

However, the thing to keep in mind is that there were reasons at one time that caused you to part. I think it's important to identify those reasons and make an honest evaluation of whether or not they still exist, and if they do, are they still an issue for you, and if they are, can you fix them.

 

-A

[DKTO]

We have talked about the issues and he said he understands sometimes, what he does and he is trying to correct things and change the way he talks and acts. I know he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

We talk about going to therapy to talk things out. I don't know if I want to commit to that because that is like saying, "ok, we are going to make this work, thats's it we are together". I don't know if I want to do that.

 

I think tht is what I am confused about. Noth whether he loves me or I "love" him, but whether or not i have the same kind of love he has for me. The "death do us part" love.

How do I know if he is the one?

How do I know what I am feeling right now will ever pass?

Will it be to late if we stop talking now and then 6 months from now I want him back but he has moved on?

Those are the things I question everyday. An dI am afraid to make the worng choice.

[oberone]

I will not apologise for saying that in what you have written, this guy has and knows he has you under his thumb of emotions. He is playing with your vulnerabilities and he knows it too well. he is probably from a matriarchial position of power. i think, he wants another Mother and not a wife. His so called "traditional " values may be a way of saying that he prefers subservient woman and not one who will be herself. The fact is, you are yourself and you have choices all over the place. You are emotional and sensitive and obviously concerned.

I would be cautious to the point of telling him. "no, not this Summer, but when I feel right and certain" Now you may not or you may, but either way, you take control and do not allow this guy the power over you he soo wants. Power like this will lead to Domestic Abuse later on

[DKTO]

I appreciate your opinion, really. He did not say we are getting married this summer. We were broken up when he said he was going to ask me when we were together, then we broke up. He is not looking for another 'mother', I know that. He is particular, just the way I am.

 

I know it may seem like I am defending him, but I know the kind of person he is and he is very kind and very sensitive. I was very sick in the hospital not too long ago and he was by my side for the entire week. He even spent the night there with me because he knew I was upset and uncomfortable. He has a big heart and that is why I feel so deeply for him.

 

My question is, Is my love for him the kind that you spend the rest of your life with that person? That is what I don't know. The status right now is that we are not back together but we are constantly talking. We are not getting back together tomorrow and I don't knwo if we will ever. I was questioning if my love for him is "THE LOVE". How do I know?

[oberone]

well Love in the sense of a big Capital L is something we all aspire to have in our lifes. I am sure that your heart will tell you that you love him when your heart is given the time to reflect and consider that this is a lifelong commitment. The very fact that you are asking will be a clear indicator that you are in fact unsure. This ought to be a good acid test for the relationship. Can you write down 5 things which will make you decide NOT to marry or commit? I am sure that the things which you may write to go ahead may be the clock, wanting security, Closeness, Home etc...But it has to be a lot more than that.......

[woopsydaisy]

i dont think you can ever know for definite if he is the one.I mean is there such thing as the one, people change and feelings change over time.Its good that he is willing to change and he recognises his weak points and he is prepared to work on this. Its obvious you have deep feelings for him and you dont want to mess him about.Its true that if you dont get with him , but decide to get with him in six months he may be with another person...and would give his love to someone else...you just carnt mess people around like that..trust me i have learnt from exsperience.Only you can answer the question if your love for him is completely true, hes prepared to try the qusetion is... our you?.

[DKTO]

I know because i am asking the question that I am in fact, unsure. I understand that and that is what I am trying to deal with. I am trying to get answers and I keep fighting with myself.

 

Are you saying that what I need is time? Time away from him to see if i want to be with him? If so, what if I come to the realization that I want to be with him but then he decides later on that he has moved on?

 

Then what?

[oberone]

We do not ever need to coerce ourselves into a situation which we are unsure of just beacuse time is against us or in the event that we might be left and realise later that it was for us. If we knew all the answers, we would do everything and do nothing at the same time. We can choose to procrastinate or to go head first into things. These ways all hold an element of risk and challenge. Yes, we do take risks every day, I do with peoples lifes everyday, but they are based on evidences and not guess work. I suppose I am being a Pragmatist at this point and not allowing my head or heart to have complete control, ratheran objectivity, since i am talking to a real person with a heart and an angst about her life. Your life is so precious...YOUR LIFE. we all of us get one chance at living and it is so very precious and a gift, that I am sure you would not want to waste any of it on more worries and concerns.

[woopsydaisy]

I dont want to sound harsh here but thats the risk you have to take.....its a huge risk at that...and yeah you have a lot to lose but so is he.I wouldnt worry to much about the future , let the present take hold of the future.You dont know whats going to happen ...but it seems to me he is willing to work on the relationship ..why not give it a try ..and least you can look back then and say well we gave it a try.Its not nice thinking in a couple of years time what if?.And if you give him time and leave it for a while it may put him off his love for you completely as someone else has filled in your shoes.

[Spirits Away]

Put it this way, I got a female friend who used to have a boyfriend just like how you described. He basically interrogate his girlfriend whenever she goes out. The female friend introduced him to me. And then life became hell to me. I go on msn, then he starts messaging me. This time, interrogating ME, how my love life is like, where you brought the girl to, have i heard any bad talks about him etc etc... I simpily couldn't respect him. He gives a lot of ideas to my female friend about how "some people talks behind my back because they're jealous of me" He accuse me to be "staring dead" at him while his girlfriend is graduating and i went to see her ceremony... heck i knew that girl 3 years before he does, if i do have any purpose, i would have made my move long ago.

 

If he's anywhere similar to this, leave him... my female friend eventually found a much better deal

 

I'm sure there are many explainations on how your boyfriend reacts the way he does due to insecurity etc etc.... but i wouldn't go there. I would just look at the fact how he's making you unconfortable... and pay close attention on what your friends tells you about him when they got a chance to interact with him... i mean real friends that u've been with for a long time and they have your best interest at heart

 

I mean propose once he realize he might lose you and to bind you with a ring? It might be a good tactic for the female who wants to marry, but if that's the reason the guy propose to her, i would even question whether he's making the right decision

 

Sometimes it's not about "real love"... that's where girls get screwed over by guys who knows how to manipulate. Sometimes it's about having your future as your best interest... especially when it comes to marriage

 

I'll be blunt, but whatever you do, don't marry him

at least don't marry the him that he is right now

[moneypennyxx]

Hi

 

I think we have kinda the same problem, the bloke I was very jealous and controlling, i couldnt see my friends and when i did he`d have little strops till eventually i cut back from them.

 

He wanted to be the one thing i needed always and thereforeeee would be there if i was ill, even wouldnt let me sleep alone, but its not love that makes him do it, its him knowing he knows where you are and that you need him. controlling men can the the kindest but also the nastiest people around. when it was just me and him, things were amazing, but i couldnt have just him in my life, and thats were the problems started.

 

the reason why you need time is that you still feel trapped by him, that you need space time to sort out your head, but if you cant work that out in 6 weeks appart then when are you??

 

i know that i could love him, but its that side that stops me, and makes me wonder if he really is the one i want.

 

i dont know yours and his history, but you need to find what is stopping you from loving him fully and that`ll be the reason your arent together.

 

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