Our 4 year Anniversary

[bostonchiiiiica]

He broke off our 4 year relationship a month and a half ago.

He has new friends, goes out all the time, and has been talking to a few girls. He says he does not want a relationship, but he wants to be free and do whatever he wants.

For the last month I have done the begging, pleading thing, and we were friendly for a week until he finally blew up and told me I need to move on, that it's over and he's not coming back, and that I "am not what he wants anymore." He says he has to be mean to me so I'll leave him alone. I understand this is because I wouldn't quit bothering him.

However, I do know he still loves me very, very much.

I know I need to give him space. I left today and am now 2000 miles away and will be gone for 2 months. My plan is to cut all ties from him; no phone calls, no online, no anything. However, I want him to still know how badly I want him, because I am the one that needs to win him back.

Our 4 year anniversary is this Friday. Should I call, send a card, or just completely leave it alone because he is annoyed with me right now? I want him to know how much I care, though, so I don't know if it would be bad to not contact him on that day. Should I contact him on that day only and then not call for the remaining 2 months?

Also...

Since he may be hanging around with another girl right now, is it dangerous for me to do no contact, or is that exactly what I should be doing?

If I do not call for 2 months, do you think he will call? If he does, what should I say?

Thank you very much.

[ravens_folly]

hmmm tough situation!!! I don't think you should contact him on your fourth year anniversary, I think that would be digging too deep into the wounds and make him really angry.

 

Did he say why he broke off the relationship? Do you know why? Like the real reason?

 

My ex broke it off with me and told me that he didn't have enough time for me and he didn't feel he was being fair to me. That was because I was all upset at him all the time for not being able to spend time with me. I didn't know it when we first broke up... I couldn't understand that reason cause it didn't make complete sense to me. Then I figured it out.

 

I think the no contact thing may work... he'll eventually start to miss all the good stuff. with my ex, I did the same pleading, begging, I made him really angry with me, so I had to go apologize to him and I did it to his face. It made a difference, and he said we could be friends and I could call him once and a while.

 

Does he want to have any contact with you at all?? I would say, give it a month before you do anything and work on your emotions and stuff, so you don't want to say to him, look take me back... etc. That just makes it worse, because they know you want them back and they probably feel pressured by it. My best bet would be to just leave it be and give him a call sometime in a few weeks time once you have figured some things out.

 

I hope this helps some....

[Blue_Soul]

This may sound a tad harsh but it's for your own good...

 

The first thing you need to consider is that guys aren't like girls in that they say what they actually mean. There's no need to wonder what he's really thinking. He told you! If he said you're not what he wants anymore, that's exactly what he means. And the fact that he's going out all the time and hanging out with other girls probably means he's relishing his new freedom and really enjoying himself. You're not doing yourself any favors trying to convince you or anyone else that he still loves you and things will go back to how they were. They might not.

 

That being said, you're in a very good position right now. You're 2000 miles away with a chance to start fresh and forget about what just happened. Easier said than done, I know, but it's possible. Physical space has a lot to do with how you can cope emotionally with a situation like this. I'm assuming you're in new a place where you can't be reminded of your ex. This will make the healing process infinitely easier. You will be able to enjoy new things, meet new people and not be somewhere that reminds you of him.

 

Don't call, don't write, don't email. If he still loves you and finds himself missing you, wait for him to tell you, not vice versa. In the meantime, take advantage of the opportunity to discover new things and people.

 

Best of luck!

[bostonchiiiiica]

Blue_Soul...

 

I don't believe him, though. I know he's a guy, but people do say things they don't mean when they're angry, and he is angry with me right now. That is why I don't fully believe him.

I am sure he is relishing his new freedom...but I can give him that freedom and then have him later, right? No matter what anyone says, I know I love him and want to spend forever with him. Isn't that worth waiting for? I know things may never go back to the way they were...but I plan to leave him alone all summer, hope he stays single like he said he wants to, and build a friendship with him when I get back. From there we can be together again, I hope. I do want to make a fresh start for myself, but I know I will still want him at the end of it, because we had true love. That I can't let go. I can't let go of true love. I can better myself and try to move on, but I will continue to have hopes and dreams about him in my head.

Also...I am in a new place...but he has been here with me and everything here reminds me of him, too. It really, really sucks.

I am going to wait for him to initiate contact. I hope this freedom thing will get old and he realizes he has someone who loves him enough to give him freedom is waiting for him.

[dikaia880]

One thing to remember is that I think guys respond to contact from girls they broke up with in a bad way...

He broke up with you for a reason, let him live with it and until you're "out of his life" by not calling, emailing, and the rest he doesn't have to live with the fact that he left you...

 

I think girls who have been left are better off with no contact than guys that have been left are...I think it's the way we think and act on emotions.

 

Guys will think...she hasn't called I've made a huge mistake I miss her...(albiet not in every case)

 

Girls will think....he hasn't called, I was right it wasn't meant to be...(again not in every case)

[Scout]

I agree with the last post...in some ways, guys do just think differently than us gals, especially with the no contact thing. You absolutely have to break contact with him for three reasons: a) to give yourself a chance to start the healing process from the pain an ended relationship has caused you, b) to step back objectively and examine what was right and what was wrong about the relationship, so you can take this knowledge into new relationships and c) so that he can see you're moving on & not depending on him, and maybe, this might spark some interest in renewing a friendship with you.

 

I know what you mean about not wanting to walk away from what is or was true love. It hurts, very much. It's frustrating, and you don't want to "give up". But, true love requires TWO PEOPLE making the same amount of effort to make the relationship work! There is absolutely no way around this, none. You did what you could the first month, and because he wasn't willing, you had no choice but to walk away. Please, please remember: it takes TWO. One person cannot do it all alone, or this website and its forums would not exist! That is the common theme you will see, all of us are hurting because we were ready to put in the time and commitment to make something work, the other person wasn't.

 

However, there is always hope: hope that you will come out of this a stronger, more independent woman, and hope that you will meet someone that has the strength, kindness and maturity to do his share of maintaining a healthy relationship. Please know that your friends here at eNotalone are rooting for you, and more than willing to listen as you struggle through this difficult time.

[raider5]

I'm sorry what you're going through.

 

I can imagine how you must of felt when you read some of the other posters say things like "I know it's harsh." or "It's what you need to hear." and the like. I really question the success of helping a person with "get over it" posts. The ones that say, "I was in the same situation as you until someone was harsh with me" are usually misapplying their situation to yours. It NEVER helped me along in any way.

 

But they are right in a sense. You need to prepare for the worst. You need to face the facts. He broke up with you for some reason. So that means that you two cannot be together at this moment. You're both very young, these relationships rarely work. And yes he MIGHT actually mean what he says.

 

Now I know it hurts just to read those words. But they are good for you only in the sense that they will keep you from holding on when you shouldn't. But I hate it when people refuse to see both sides of the picture --Either all hope, or no hope. Just because you prepare for the worst, doesn't mean you can't hope for the best.

 

THE FACT IS THIS: take any person. The chance that they've gone back to an ex sometime in there past is extremely high! I have so many friends of mine that do breakup, do get back together. Some get back together 5 times, one person on here said 50+, some get there ex back 5 years later, I heard of lady who got back with her true love 20 years later!!!

THE FACT IS THIS: You have the right to fight for him as long as you want. This too is part of the healing process. You need to know to yourself that you tried everything (without looking needy!). You don't regress to the begging/pleading stage just because you thought you gave up too early.

THE FACT IS THIS: People's feelings change!!!! EVEN IF he means what he says, if you give him lots of time he may very well think about you again.

 

 

I suggest No Contact. It's empowering, it helps you heal, and it actually does help exs come back. The important thing is that once you start NC you better stay on it. It looks pathetic if you keep wavering from NC to contact.

[bostonchiiiiica]

You all are so wonderful. I don't know what I would do without this site.

I know I have to do no contact. But I have a feeling he will be contacting me to "check up" and "make sure we stay friends." How do I deal with this? Every single time he contacts me, it is going to burn my heart. He, on the other hand, gets to know what I'm up to while he enjoys his new life. He called me earlier and asked if I got in okay (I had a flight this morning). I said I was fine, and he said "alright, talk to you later." He still cares about what I'm doing yet he does not want me. This is going to drive me crazy!! What should I do??? This is going to kill me this summer...I seriously feel as though I'm not going to make it right now.

[ravens_folly]

well see, there's where the No contact really works.

 

If he cares, then it will drive him crazy not to know how you are.

So if he calls or something don't answer. Don't let him have the liberty of being able to get a hold of you whenever he wants.

 

You need to make it look like you may be moving on too... now in some cases this could backfire... so you have to do it carefully if the situation is sensitive, cause some others would look at their ex moving on and lose all hope and forget about them... now if you think it will make them jealous or feel as though they actually could lose you, then its good. it will make them think, well i'm better for her, or they'll get confused and wonder whats going on and possibly try to get more contact with you.

 

I know its hard when you see them, it does rip at your heart, but you can't let them see it. No matter what!!!

[Scout]

THE FACT IS THIS: You have the right to fight for him as long as you want. This too is part of the healing process. You need to know to yourself that you tried everything (without looking needy!). You don't regress to the begging/pleading stage just because you thought you gave up too early.

THE FACT IS THIS: People's feelings change!!!! EVEN IF he means what he says, if you give him lots of time he may very well think about you again.

 

 

Raider, you know something - that was right on. Man - I wish I could take that attitude and do something productive with it. It's very hard to put that into practice though. I've been burned and jilted more than my fair share of times, and I honestly don't know how to fight for someone anymore. Pride, worry about getting further rejected - all those thoughts and fears come to mind. Plus doubts about whether they are the right person. You know, if they were the right one, they wouldn't have left me...I didn't beg my ex not to break up, I acted like it was the right thing to do...when I saw him the first time afterwards, I acted like I was fine with it...than the second time, we, well, kind of got together after an evening of drinking and the next day I asked where we stood. He said, he didn't want a relationship. I flew off the handle and now we haven't spoken since. I'm beginning to think yes, maybe we should fight for them, but we can't do it without a cool head...this would actually be a good thread to cover in more depth: "Fighting for your Ex". I'd love to hear all the different viewpoints.

[ravens_folly]

Actually think about it this way.....

 

Saying that something isn't meant to be... just because it didn't work out perfect the first time is a load of crock!!

 

Its just like saying, if you were meant to be a piano player, you should be able to sit down and play Bach or something! It doesn't just work that way.

 

 

Sometimes it isn't meant to be, but something you just get that "feeling" that it is..

 

and in some cases you were, meant to be, but meant to break up so you could see that you really were meant to be, since you have things you needed to learn first! If that makes any sense. It does to me anyway.