Confronting attitude in the workplace - can you do it and still be professional?

[Lucy__lou]

There's a woman I work with who from day one has avoided eye contact, and made no effort to be friendly to me. And I'm tempted to confront her on it.

 

I'm a big fan of communication and nipping things in the bud, rather than sweeping problems under the rug. But there's also the concern that confrontation doesn't always go down well in a professional workplace.

 

I don't work with her directly, but we're in the same area, share common professional interests, and may well work together in the future. But she appears to have made a decision to minimise interaction with me, so much that it's obvious. When I've tried to be friendly, or talk to her about work, she obliges, but that's it. I can tell that that's all she's doing.

 

Any suggestions or insight welcome.

[LillyLooWho]

If it really bothered me, I would say something nice, like "Kathy (or whatever), I notice that sometimes you barely seem to want to talk to me. Did I do something to offend you or is there something about me that bothers you?" I find that when I say things like this to people, they bend over backwards saying "no, no, I'm just shy" or something like that.

 

The only thing is that if you confront the person and they say something like "yes, I don't like you", then you have to deal with it, whereas if you don't say anything, you don't. If someone said something like that to me, I would persist with "really, why is that? I have tried to be nice and respectful to everyone at work and I'm curious why you would have a problem with me when nobody else does" or something like that. It is a bold approach but I'm like you in that I like to put everything on the table and deal. I say everything very friendly and nice though. Nothing snappish. That could come back to haunt you.

 

Tell us how it goes if you decide to say something.

[unabashed]

I'd say something, too. I've been in that situation. Some people warm up when you make the first move, and some never do. But, I feel that it's one way to control the situation. We spend a lot of hours at work, so it makes sense to try to make it a positive, comfortable experience, when possible. In the end, it's her problem, and you probably will learn to shrug it off. But, I don't think there's harm in some tactful, gentle communication.

[onewithbooks]

Is she this way with other people is well? Is it possible she is threatened by you?

 

All I can say is I worked with someone like this once. I tried really hard to let it roll and its not easy. I would definitely ask her about it. I could not do so in my situation as it would have only made it worse.

 

You could just say something along the lines of "Hey do you have a minute? I am not sure if I have offended you in some way, but I notice that when I come around you seem to be more tense and I was wondering is there anything I can do to help alleviate this? I know its possible we may have to work together in the future and just want to open a dialogue with you in case there is something we need to address. I certainly don't want you to feel like you can't come to me if there is a problem"

[bulletproof]

When I've tried to be friendly, or talk to her about work, she obliges, but that's it. I can tell that that's all she's doing.

 

Any suggestions or insight welcome.

 

That is really all that she's required to do. I could see perhaps confronting her if she'd been rude- but if she is being polite and doing her job, then that is all she needs to do.

 

Communication and nipping things in the bud can be great, but that's more for personal relationships. Also, don't confuse communication with confrontation- one is aggressive, the other is not. She doesn't owe you anything. She may have her own reasons for keeping her distance, and you probably should respect that. Try to have compassion and not personalize it. It is likely something about her, not you. And if it is about you, so what? Doesn't have to affect you if you decide not to let it.

 

Unfortunately, not everyone is going to like us in this life. Just continue to be friendly and let her take her own path.

[Lucy__lou]

That is really all that she's required to do. I could see perhaps confronting her if she'd been rude- but if she is being polite and doing her job, then that is all she needs to do.

 

Communication and nipping things in the bud can be great, but that's more for personal relationships. Also, don't confuse communication with confrontation- one is aggressive, the other is not. She doesn't owe you anything. She may have her own reasons for keeping her distance, and you probably should respect that. Try to have compassion and not personalize it. It is likely something about her, not you. And if it is about you, so what? Doesn't have to affect you if you decide not to let it.

 

Unfortunately, not everyone is going to like us in this life. Just continue to be friendly and let her take her own path.

 

It is about me. She's more civil to others. And her ignoring me is just too obvious.

 

In all honesty, part of my motive for wanting to confront her, is to give her a little shock and let her know that I'm not afraid to articulate what's going on.

 

I know she's not obliged to be nice to me, or like me. But I feel like sometimes in corporate environments, people get away with being mean in subtle little ways, and they're never made accountable, because the code of conduct says that you're supposed to be nice all the time, and not acknowledge these things.

[petite]

She might be more civil to others, but is that just your opinion or have others noticed this too?

 

You want to give her a shock? Proving what? That you can handle people not liking you? Obviously not since it seems to bother you.

 

Being a professional myself, I don't chit chat with everyone in the office. I have some people I talk to on a more personal level and others just professional. Really I owe them nothing, and they owe me nothing. We're there to work and not socialize. I don't want to involve my professional life with my personal. Some people are just like that.

 

Or she just might not like you at all, and tolerated you because you guys work together. You really have no right to ask her because she has done nothing wrong. If she is pleasant towards you involving work, then just leave it at that. Sometimes we get irritated by people and want nothing to do with them unless we have to.

[sanadee]

She doesn't like you, or respect you. Be cordial and move on, and limit contact with her when possible.

[Kumatora]

In all honesty, part of my motive for wanting to confront her, is to give her a little shock and let her know that I'm not afraid to articulate what's going on.

 

And then you will be stirring conflict and drama. It can turn around and go against you since this person is treating everyone else nicely.

 

You don't have to be friends with everyone else. You don't have to meet somebody else's expectation. You're there to do a job.

 

I'll be honest: I am one of those people who does keep a distance from coworkers. I do it to stay out of gossip and not be distracted. Some of my co-workers find it rude and take it very personally about me keeping my distance. I've dealt with gossip too many times that I barely trust my co-workers. I try to be friendly as possible, but I am also not a push over when someone crosses the line in company policy. It makes it difficult to fire me because I do an awesome job and I treat clients like guests.

 

So my advice is to not make contact with this person. Just focus on your own work. If she is interfering with your work, that's when you speak with a manager.

[Lucy__lou]

Note:

 

She seems to spend quite a lot of time with another co worker of mine who I know doesn't like me.

I feel like something is up. The other day, we passed in the hall and she ignored me. I turned around about five seconds later to see she'd also turned around to look at me.

 

She really doesn't know me. We've spoken very few words.

 

Where I work, making lots of contacts within the organisation is part of what you do as part of your job. We all need each other eventually. So her behaviour goes against that. She doesn't seem to care if she loses me as a contact.

[onewithbooks]

Note:

 

She seems to spend quite a lot of time with another co worker of mine who I know doesn't like me.

I feel like something is up. The other day, we passed in the hall and she ignored me. I turned around about five seconds later to see she'd also turned around to look at me.

 

She really doesn't know me. We've spoken very few words.

 

Where I work, making lots of contacts within the organisation is part of what you do as part of your job. We all need each other eventually. So her behaviour goes against that. She doesn't seem to care if she loses me as a contact.

 

So it could be possible that this other person is tainting her view of you. Well, honestly it will be her loss. I would just continue to act professionally toward her and ignore it. Here is why, if she is not grown up enough to make up her own mind about the quality of a person and instead relies solely on the gossip of another person to know the person you are, she is not worth going crazy over to get this resolved.

 

Like you say, she will need you as a contact eventually. Just take the high road and be your professional self. If she is acting this way with you, then she sounds a bit immature to me. In the end that will come back to bite her. No need to stoop to that level. Just keep a cool professional relationship with her and you can't go wrong.