Where's my control? and How to say No with authority and respect?

[fanox]

Hey there, all you awesome people! I'm a relatively new member of ENOTALONE and don't participate much, but I like 'this place' and appreciate all your comments!

 

To keep things short, I'll omit my long story and just mention that I've recently reconnected with my ex-girlfriend for 1 year. (this is after 9 mo's of NC) We are together all the time and intimate.

 

I'm noticing that I start to get into the old habits that I had with her before. I spend all my time with her and I easily submit to her desires. We love each other very much and have great "physical time" together. I find myself helping her and being always available, sometimes bound by circumstances and being polite.

 

I want to hear your opinion on How to become the more authoritative figure in the relationship. How to say "No, I'm busy" "... but let's do it tomorrow" and how to reject "stay for 15 more minutes" with authority but with love and friendship? I feel like by spending so much time together with her, I'm starting to loose myself and what makes me myself. It is probably becoming clear to you that we have communication issues.

 

Any thought would be greatly appreciated! thanx

[heloladies21]

The cold hard truth that I've come to learn is that your ability to stick up for yourself is intimately related to how you feel about yourself ie. your self-esteem. The guys who feel that they deserve the best in this world are the ones who don't accept anything less. A lot of people will probably tell you on this thread to just speak up, but that's not really any help because you already know that and can't get past this barrier preventing you from doing so.

 

There are a few ways to improve self esteem. Physically look better, work out, dress nicely. Hang out with friends more, the camaraderie of having people around you who want to be around you will make you feel like you deserve people's attention. Do better in your career/professional life, you can take pride in these types of achievements. But the seeds of self esteem are deeply rooted in your childhood so it might take something drastic like counseling (this can come in many different forms, professional is only one of which) to correct your deficiency.

[Kerrian]

It's also partly to do with being more comfortable with yourself, and the relationship - I'm guessing that you're trying not to do anything wrong by her at the moment, particularly so because it's a relationship that's been rekindled.

 

However - it's not going to fall apart because you don't see one another for a day or two, or if you have to leave 15 minutes early, or if one of you feels like doing something else for the day which doesn't involve the other partner.

And that's part of what you need to be comfortable with.

If you want to go and do something else, then you should go out and do it! There's no shame in wanting some of your own time, nor in taking the upper hand. As the poster before me said - you need to want to do things for yourself, not for her. Make an effort to look good, dress well, etc - not for anybody else, but because it makes you feel better.

 

She's not going to hate you for saying, "I'd stay longer if I could, but I really do need to get going" or "Actually, I have something planned today - how about tomorrow?", because although she asks you to stay longer and spend more time with her, if you don't have your own life as well, you'll get fed up, and she'll start feeling smothered.

[sun]

The quickiest way to loose her is to loose yourself.

So a tip, you and your goals are you first priority and she is not your life, but part of your life.

[Ihavetissues]

Dont you just love the people on this site they have such good words for everyone

 

Good Luck

[fanox]

Thank you 'guys' for the advice.

I think I know what needs to be done and what attitudes I need to adopt. It is very funny/interesting how at this particular point in time I actually have "large things" to take care of. I have important legal documents to take care of and a lot of work on my career/school. Yet I waste time and procrastinate, living and having fun with this girl.

What I really have trouble with is how to say No and not offer excuses. It feels like I'm excusing myself when I mention that "I have stuff to do".

When we first reconnected, I was more confident and didn't ever excuse myself for anything. The one thing I promised to myself was to never say sorry again, and just do things in a way that would prevent that.

Again, I agree with your advice and I understand it. I just don't know how to change things today, immediately, after being available so much.

Again, I do say no to her ideas (and today I'm staying home instead of going with her to the beach), but somehow I end up being negative and impolite.

 

Thanks again!

[fanox]

There is one more thing I want to mention to you.

Our reconnection so far has been easy, pressureless, and careless. We run away from labels and we have not settled whether we are together or not. yet we tell each other that we love each other.

It is up to me to ask her to get together again. I know EXACTLY what needs to be done and what is right.

The problem is that I cannot be a good boyfriend right now. I cannot be a provider, with time and "ability to laugh at jokes". (that's figuratively speaking)

We're both 25-26, and at this time it would only be right to make next steps. Things like move in together and share more responsibilities.

Again, I'm a finishing student, with 2 jobs and not much money.

All I'm trying to say is that I'm incapable of putting a definition on what we're doing together. And that takes a little away from my leadership.

 

Thank you!