Am I gay or just confused?

[bwilliams]

I'm 31 years old and have for as long as I can remember felt a deep emotional attraction to other males. I also find them to be very sexy. With women, I think some of them are beautiful, but I do not feel turned on by them. My fantasies are all about men, but I cannot bring myself to have actual physical relations with another man. Am I gay or just confused? I mean, I like guys very much and that is what turns me on. But I am basically celibate and I'm afraid that if I were to meet a nice man, I'd lose him because of my inability or fear of having sex with a man. Please help me. And just to make another point clear. I have been with a couple of women sexually, back when I was trying so hard to convince myself that my feelings for guys were only a phase. The sex with women was a complete turn-off. No offense, ladies.

[sweetharmony]

no offense taken. You are what you are and you shouldn' be ashamed. At least you're finally coming to terms with your sexuality. Many who are gay area a little afraid of coming out. I can imagine how frightening it would be.

to tell your friends and family. It just takes a little getting used to. Do you not want to have sex with a man because you're afraid? do you see yourself in a commited relationship with a man? it's okay to be confused. you'll realize what you want. it is confusing at the beginning. (i have lots of gay male friends and i always ask them questions about how they knew, came out, etc...) and it was very hard on them at the beginning. But I can't speak for everyone. Just speaking for my friends. good luck! Some gay men get married, have kids and then realize later in life that they're gay and then a whole family is torn apart. these men have suppresed their desires for so long, b/c they're afraid of the repercussions or afraid of their sexuality. Better you realize now than later. Good luck. I hope you are happy. that's what's important.

[bwilliams]

Hi sweetharmony, and thanks for responding. Sometimes I feel like a part of my problem is that I fear being intimate with men, although that is what I want with the right person. And taking that step would be affirming in my mind and very being that I'm gay and not straight or bi. It just scares me to even have to admit the truth. But I hate trying to tell myself that 1) I can change if I really make the effort, or 2) there is something wrong with me that makes me homosexual. But to answer one of your questions... Yes I do see myself in a committed relationship with a man somewhere down the road. God knows that's been what I've really wanted for a long time. My parents are strict Baptists and they are in such denial over my sexuality. They prefer to think that the right woman just hasn't come along for me just yet; it's sad really. But I let them think what they want in order to keep peace within the family. But I do not date women and I feel that would be lying again not only to myself, but to people who know me as I really am. I've rambled on, but this is a difficult issue for me. Whatever does happen, there is no way I'd want to ruin someone's life by getting married and having her think I am straight, while going through emotional hell because I'm gay. I guess it's because I'm very sensitive of others' feelings.

[eomer_be]

hi bwilliams!

 

i'm gay, 19, and I just read your posting. I was, or maybe I'm still, in the position that you are in now. When I was fourteen (I know, big age difference, but I still think it applies), I had absolutely no intention of even coming to grips with my being gay. The whole image gay people have had really influenced me into thinking that I would actually *become* an over-the-top, raving drama queen if I gave in to my gay feelings. Also, I've always been "celibate" as you call it, more or less unable or unwilling to engage in sexual actions with another man.

 

Here comes the advice part of my posting: get out of the closet right now. I'm dead serious - but I don't mean tell your parents or the rest of your family. Religious zealots are better left in the dark on such matters. But the reason why you *should* come out of the closet: if you're overtly gay, i.e. if your friends know you're gay, there's a much bigger chance of you once meeting the man of your dreams, someone that you'll be able to have normal sexual relations with. This is what happened to me: three months after I came out of the closet, some friends of mine spoke to some friends of theirs, who knew some one, who knew someone else, and voila: they hooked me up with who later turned out to be the love of my life, and, just as importantly, the only male I could ever even *consider* having sex with. Best thing: my family (they're freemasons) don't know a thing. They think I'm just shy. Maybe the truth'll hit them when I'm fifty or so, but most of the religious zealots in my family will be dead by then anyway.

 

So there you have it. Get out of the closet, have the word spread that you're gay, and before you know it your girl friends will want to fix you up with all kinds of other gay men. Maybe the one for you is among them. If not: thank God for the internet.

 

Did I mention being gay is a whole lot more fun than being straight?