How do I handle this?

[limbo101]

This will be quite long....sorry...

 

This is a story of a wonderful platonic relationship I have with a man I've known for 10 years. Back then, I never dreamt we'd be as close as we are now, much less more...because I always knew he was something special. He was just an acquaintance back then. But over a year ago, we got re-connected. My friends and I would go see him perform almost every week. He had a girlfriend, but he never talked about it as being very serious. Then, he started inviting me out for drinks and such. But made it clear that he was faithful to his GF of the time (though claimed not to be "in love" with her - hence they broke up eventually). She was long-distance also.

 

The road we've gone down since then, began after I reconciled with an old flame. The reconciliation didn't go as I'd hoped, and I was crushed. I ran to "Joe" we'll call him, for some cheering up, because I knew he could make me laugh, and he did. At the same time, he informed me of a new GF he was just crazy about. This was all about 6 months ago.

 

Just a few weeks later, I had a devastating change professionally, and he broke up with the new GF....so we came together for support here. He had a pretty difficult time with that break-up. We started hanging out weekly, which has since became as much as possible. Found out our Ex'es are strikingly similar to each other, in the way they treated us, the nature of the relationships in general. In time, as Joe began to seem more healed, I once brought up the idea of he and I "dating". But he had what he believed to be very logical reasons for us not to. They were logical, but I still saw them as "excuses". However, he was using a dating site to try and meet women. Telling me about his dates, about every little thing, and it ate me up inside. Then once outta nowhere told me, "I'd get on your nerves if you dated me"....not sure if that came from insecurity, or discouragement....because he's actually very insecure when it comes to women.

 

I started using the dating sites, too. When I turned the situation around and had an outpouring of new men to talk about, he got moody. Avoided me for 2days, then apologized for being "moody". He also started to get a little more affectionate than normal. We hang out with other "couples" and it doesn't bother him...the couples (along with anyone who's met him) observe and swear on their lives he appears to be very into me, and they don't understand what's really going on with him. He takes me out and buys for me all the time, we eat together, movies together, constant, daily contact. He suddenly said he was done with dating sites, and doesn't talk about any women since. I am his 1st choice for a hang...only when I'm not available, will he call his buddies. We talk and laugh like crazy, as if we could never stop.

 

A few weeks ago, he leaned in a planted a kiss on my mouth...no tongue, but for sure a conscious effort to do this. I didn't lip-lock, because I didn't know how to take it. Mistake? I dunno.

 

Not long after that, he ran into the Ex again. And now says he's not over her after all. Yet, he does not desire to be back with her. Anyway, it still depressed me a great deal and I didn't talk to him for a couple days. Got over that, and the kiss thing happened again. And I reacted the same way again - quick kissed him, and said bye (we were saying goodbye for the night). I just melt at the thought of the real kiss. I think that's why I hold back....that and the Ex that I know is still on his mind. In discussions since then, I've made it pretty clear that I think she's total crap for him and I do not like her (in nicer sounding words).

 

Meanwhile, he's found a new house and he's been calling me for every new piece of exciting news about it. Took me to see it, etc. Made us dinner, took me out for drinks. He does the nicest things like this for me quite often, knowing I've had feelings. How can he not realize this can lead a person on?! He's never had a friendship with a female before, like the one we have.

 

Last night he went to the bar where his Ex hangs out - and "ran into" her again. He texted me this today but I chose not to let my disappointment show this time. Then he wanted to do something tonight, but I declined, so he called a buddy. It was hard for me to turn down time with him; but I'm not in the mood to hear about seeing his Ex last night.

 

How can he NOT know this could be killing me? 1st it was the women from dating sites, and I'm glad that ceased, but now it's about running into the Ex, just as bad. I'm dying to say, "why want that trash when you could have me?"....but I know that's a bad choice of things to say...right? I don't want to lose this friendship. But I'm scared that I will. Yet I'm too scared to go in for the big move, because of the Ex and because he once said he didn't want to date. But it appears to everyone, we are already "dating", as we act so darn much like a couple...a happy couple at that. I used to think it was a lack of attraction on his part, but I find it hard to believe that any man OR woman would spend sooo much time with anyone they are not attracted to. I don't want to believe that we are using each other for the attention or to fill voids - but perhaps that's all it is unfortunately?

 

So now i'm confused about my own feelings, along with his. How do I bring this up again without sounding as though I'm just dying to have him?

[happylady]

Not for nothing but I wonder if he is gay?

[happylady]

That was pretty vague of me sorry but a simmilar thing happened to a friend of mine. Stringed along for awhile then they actually ended up getting married and having 2 little girls. 4 years down the line he comes out and says he is gay and always was yada yada.

 

Just weird if you get along with someone, they are your friend and you know they love you and you them... then why not go for it? Oh cause he doesnt want to lose you as a friend? I dont think it would be healthy for you to be friends with someone you love in that way so much. It would be torture actually. I would still talk to him but I would personally not see him for awhile till you can get your feelings in check. Do you first and foremost.

[limbo101]

Thanks for reading happy, even though it was so long!

 

I'd say it's pretty clear that he is not gay...what he says is that he's "picky". I don't blame anyone for being picky...but sometimes I think if he doesn't want me, that's just too picky. I actually think this is why he's confused about me at times, as it appears...being "picky" and all, probably goes back and forth in his mind about weather or not he wants to go to another level with me. He does have an indecisive nature about him, even though he claims to know exactly what he wants.

 

The good thing is that we both have pretty busy schedules and that allows me plenty of "me" time, and time to think about things that happen between us. And just when I'm ready to say that's it, we need to get this straight, I calm down. Then I see him and all I want to do is have a good time, instead of starting any drama...but I don't know how much longer I'll last that way.