He broke up with me again...what to do

[TroubledTwenties]

Hello all,

 

I'm back here again after a while. Last night, my boyfriend broke up with me. We've been off and on for 3 years, and known each other 4 years. He decided to end it last night after a "boys" weekend. He told me that we both weren't happy and that it was the best thing for us. The thing is though, that I wasn't happy, I mean I loved him..still do, always will. I wasn't happy because he'd seemed withdrawn, like he didn't even like spending time with me. I turned to talking to people on my buddy list a couple guys mostly, but also my old roommate. They all knew I had a boyfriend, I never kept that from them, and I never let it get farther than being friends. Anyhow, my boyfriend went through my emails and found some emails from friends, well he got upset, but had been letting it hold for a month. I came home last night to an empty house, and no way to get in it. I wondered what was wrong. After 3 and a half hours I finally heard from my boyfriend and he said he had been thinking and that we'd be better off with other people. He said we both weren't happy, and that he enjoyed his weekend alone where he could do what he wanted. That even though he missed me that, he'd found those letters in my email that that he was upset with that, because I told him I wasn't talking to anyone. I'm heartbroken, because although we had rough times and that I was at my wits end not knowing what to do I never wanted to break up, I wanted to keep on trying, and like I said I never cheated or anything. How to I help cope with this awful feeling. Since we lived together I have to move out and go home...I feel devastated, he told me that this is the last time, that he's not going to call in a few months and tell me he's missed me or that he wants me back (which he has done in the past). Please help!

[Hopingpraying]

Troubled,

 

I really feel for you in your situation. It is difficult to go through a breakup even if you think you want it. When it happens it is a tramatic experience.

 

If you have been off and on like you said, it may not seem like it right now, but this could be for the best. Sure you will go through all the emotions and it will be tough, but you have to know you can make this a positive instead of dwelling on all the negatives. Use this time to better yourself. It will get easier, I know this does nothing for you now, but no one can make your pain any easier, or make the healing go any faster. The only thing you can do right now is to accept that it is over, forgive him, and move on.

[TroubledTwenties]

Hoping...

 

I never wanted to break up, I loved him and although we had our problems, I believe if you love a person you keep trying..He's all I've ever known..

[ziggystar]

troubled:

 

you forget, it's a 2 way street. he has to want to try also, and unfortunately you can't control that. all you can to is heal yourself and get back on your feet emotionally and mentally, and leave a door open to him if you want. hoping may just feed into obsession. it will take time, you can rush it either way.

[Hopingpraying]

Troubled,

 

I understand you don't want to break up with him, but like Ziggy says, it is a two way street. Thats what I meant when I said that it may not seem like it now but this could be a good thing. It sounds like you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, and if there is one thing I know it is breakups are painful, and to keep repeating it over and over is silly in my opinion.

 

I guess if you could elaborate a little more as to what the reasons for your breakups are maybe we could give some better advice, but if you don't fix those reasons they don't go away by themselves.. Have you two considered counseling? I know it can sometimes be expensive, but sometimes the cost is worth it if you love someone enough. The problem with that is both of you have to want to make it work, and right now it doesn't sound like that is what he wants.

 

I don't want to minimize your pain, I really know what your going through. I so want my wife to come back to me, but I realize I cannot make her do that. So I am making myself better. Going to church, working out, talking to anyone and anybody who will listen.. This is why this forum is so awesome. It has helped me a lot if just to vent, and by reading what other people are going through, their success' and failures help me by learning so much about the opposite sex.

 

Good luck!!

[TroubledTwenties]

Thanks for your imput,

 

I know love is a two way street, I guess right now I'm just hurting because I give love and expect it back only to be let down. Here's the background info on what's been going on...

 

We were going out almost two years straight, I got sick and since I decided to take some time off school he decided I was a quitter and broke up with me, but found another girlfriend first, I confronted him with her and that was that. Two months from then, he came back to me and told me he loved me and wanted me back. So we got back together, only old habits die hard because within a few months he found someone else and was basically playing the both of us. Then we broke up, got back together, and he again was still playing me with the other girl, and now a 3rd. We got back together, and he promised it would be different, and it was. This time however, I had a terrible time trusting him. He was faithful to me though, then he withdrew, and I started IMming my friends he got upset, and I told him that he was the only one I loved. He withdrew again, this time very badly and again I turned to my friends, only this time I guess he'd had enough, he told me he'd gone through my emails and could not trust me, that I had lied to him. I don't know how to feel, I never considered myself the best girlfriend, but I never once cheated on him, never though of it. I love him, it seems the more I tried to spend time with him the less he wanted to...he said I was suffocating him, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how to fix it. He told me he wanted a weekend alone, and I got upset, because he'd been breaking plans, and things and never spent time with me to begin with. I just didn't know what do to. I love him lots and I know if you love someone you stick around and make things work, but it seems like it's easy for him to just give up. Any help?

[tiger_lilies]

You may love him with all your heart, but it doesn't sound like he's returning your love. It is extremely painful, trust me, I know. It is always hard to give up the dream of spending the rest of you life with someone.

 

You should now focus on yourself. Be selfish and think of yourself only at this time. Take a week to cry your heart out, cry as much as you can. The crying will help a little. Once you're done crying, then start to busy yourself with things you haven't done before. Renew old friendships that were possibly lost when you started going out with your ex. Meet new people through friends. Force yourself to do these things. It will not take the pain away, but it will help in the healing process.

 

I too wanted to keep trying with my ex, but when we officially broke up, he told me that he didn't want to "try" anymore. I lost all hope for us when he told me that. He said it more than a handfull of times. When the other person doesn't want to try anymore, then there's really no use to keep trying from your end. It will only cause resentment for both parties. It simply will not work.

 

As time goes on (and it will) you will love again. This was a promise from somone I met on this forum and I believe every word of it. Hang in there. Keep writing on this forum, it has been great therapy for me.