Man did I get one pulled over on me, and kept taking it...

[justaname]

I know this is a long read full of details. Just glad to write it all down and put it out there - am grateful for any comments.

 

Me:

Divorced with 2 kids living in another country (from the US). Kids live with their mom and I see them every other weekend.

 

GF:

Although 8 years older than I, she looks younger than I do and is very classy and intelligent - absolutely beautiful in appearance and style, and has 2 great kids.

 

 

Part I:

4 years

 

We met at work. Did not know she was married when we first met, but through our lunch dates I learned she had the same story I did when I left my wife so I understood. We met up once outside of work, things clicked. She left her marriage for me and we were together all the time. We pretty much lived at eachothers places from the start and moved in together after 9 months and things were great with her and her kids, and my kids loved her too. Our families loved eachother and supported us.

 

We worked at the same place, went to work together, did sports together, everything. It was close and I totally put all my trust and love into her and her me.

 

Then, some other girls at work mentioned how nice I was or said other nice things about me to her, this caused a lot of jealousy. I tried to calm her at first of course, but it kept coming up, even if I would just stand somewhere and there was another girl smiling or whatever and GF would walk by, I would be in for a long argument that night. I knew in my heart that I loved her more than anythign and would never even think of flirting or doing anything 'wrong'.

 

Then came more jealousy... if I rented a movie and a naked lady would show up on the screen, she would tell me how much I liked it, and then bring up everything else. I ended up avoiding meetings at work if any of the girls she was jealous about was also, but that just ended up hurting my career. I wanted to find a new job because of all this and she just got all upset about that too asking me if I knew that other people would talk about us then. She checked my emails too and asked me about some older ones where friends would send some women jokes and if I really liked that stuff.

 

At that point I stopped being understanding and felt like I was defending myself all the time. She started doing really harmful things to us and herself. If we had a fight about one thing, it became a huge fight about everything. We went to counseling. One day great, the next awful. This went on for more than a year.

 

The last night we were together, I was set to go home to the states the next day for 10 days. At a recent fight where she was screaming at me in the middle of the street in London after we met up with one of her friends who was being too nice to me, in anger I told her I didnt want to come on the trip with me. I regreted that, but it was too late to get the new biometric passport that was required to go to the US at that time, so she couldnt go anyway.

 

We just went to bed and started having an argument. She said something like how my parents were going to shove money up my ass and thats why I was going home. I slapped her, we got up and started arguing, she pushed me, I pushed back. She had a red eye and a purple shade under it the next morning.

 

I went home to the US. Two days later she called and asked to talk to my mom. She told her she called the Police as she had that red eye and a bruise on her ribs from me pushing her. Then she told me, and answered with I'm not coming back.

 

 

Part II:

1 year

 

In a way glad because I was hating what we had become. I have been a relatively calm person my whole life, but that relationship brought all kinds of passions out in us, good and bad and I was really hating myself. She did the right thing, and I stayed in the US and started building a new life. I started building up a lot of friends and genuinly was enjoying life.

 

We stayed in contact though. Emails and phone calls every few weeks throughout the year, always initiated from her. She would call me and we would talk for hours. Once she called me drunk and told me how I was her soulmate and if I knew how much she loved me. She even emailed with my mom a few times.

 

I saw other people and although she never told me and I never asked, I know now that she did and thats fine.

 

 

Part III:

2 months

 

I went back to that country a year to the date after to visit my kids. She picked me up from the airport, we went out to a tearful dinner, and took me to my hotel. The next day was Christmas and I saw my kids. At night she texted me if I would like to come over. I did.

 

We were very close again, I stayed the night and I saw her every day of my visit. It was like we were a new couple who had just fallen in love again. I asked her if she was involved in anything and she said no, not at all.

 

During my trip back I also met up with a friend who offered me a job there.

 

After a tearful trip to the airport I went back home and thought. About GF and the job, and getting back to my kids.

 

I decided to go for it. Flew back for the job for a couple days to meet everyone and see how I liked it. Met up with her when not working and we had a great time, then flew back to the states to arrange my move back.

 

 

Part IV:

8 months

 

When I first came back, we stayed in touch every day. One night I asked her out to dinner. We met up and she was in a bad mood. Then she asked me about my facebook account and who this and that girl was. I told her she was being a little rude and explained to her but she was just in a bad mood I guess.

 

We met up most weekends, but it was all weird. She wouldnt hold my hand if we were out walking, and I felt like I came over to her place to have sex and then go home. Due to the circumstances of our break up, she would have a hard time telling anyone she was seeing me, and she didnt. Rightfully so I guess as our families would have hated if we got together based on how we broke up.

 

But I felt a little suspicious, and I asked her about it and she told me she had been seeing someone every few months, he traveled a lot for his work, and his work was interesting to her. She said she was not seeing him anymore but, she did see him between me coming back for Christmas and me moving back.

 

Had a NC point for a couple weeks there. I was lonely here as most my friends had moved away and I had little to do on the weekend but be with her. But eventually I thought that I was the one who showed up out of nowhere, and I would be a fool to think she would just drop everything for me, so we hung out again.

 

Things kept going up and down.

 

One day I stayed over at her house. She got a phone call at 7:30 in the morning and I could hear that it was a guy. I asked her who it was and she said it was one of her girlfriends. I called her on it and she said ok, it was some guy who we both new and he gave her rides to work sometimes. I've known him from before, he's happily married and not her type at all and I believed her. I dont know why. Then she told me she wanted to get away for the weekend with her kids so she did.

 

I turned off my phone that weekend. She texted, told me she loved me, and acted like everything was normal.

 

Eventually she went on another weekend trip by herself to visit an old friend. I asked her if she was going to see this traveling guy and she said no. I tunred off her phone again and turned it on to 10 'where are you?' texts.

 

All this time I was in a furnished appartment, looking for a steady one. I decided to end it with her and move to a different part of the city.

 

I met her for lunch and told her I didnt want to see her anymore. She was quiet, said 'if thats what you want' and we went our ways. That night I got a mad phone call, then mad texts the next day telling me she was going to throw my stuff in the trash.

 

A little time went by and then we got back in contact. She was acting very differently and close towards me and we started hanging out again. Things were very different and it felt like a family again for a while, doing stuff with her and her kids, still mostly on the weekends because of the distance, but things were cool.

 

One Sunday night recently, she got a text at 11:30. I asked who it was and she said some friend about a job she wanted where he works. I had enough of worrying what was going on so I looked at her phone the next morning while she was in the shower. That text was gone, but I ran into some other ones from the guy she was seeing before. I didnt see until later that they were all from the previous year, but what was she doing saving them so long anyway while deleting newer ones.

 

I confronted her, and man did we have a fight. And she said yes, she had seen that guy on her trips but not had anything to do with him but work with him. I was pretty upset and said a lot of things.

 

She tells me it is long over, she is sorry for lying to me, and that whatever is in her phone is her business. Very true. She also told me that she found out sometime that he was married, which she never knew. Hehe...

 

 

Now:

I know exactly what to do. But never feel like I do.

 

We've spent every weekend together outside those two that she went on trips. She's a single mom so I know she doesnt have a lot of time and any buildup we might have is going to take a lot of time. Those trips were months ago and I chose myself to come back, she did not expect it. If she is in something then she has little time to do so with being with me all weekend and the kids, school and work all week.

 

The trust is just gone from my side now though. As it probably should have been months ago.

 

But I love her, and that's a big reason why I came back and that's why I've put up with so much crap. I'm upset that things have worked out this way of course. But I'm glad I gave it a try.

[sidehop]

I'm sorry what you're going through but at the same time all I could read from your story was that she's a very jealous person, whether she's emotionally unstable & cannot be trustworthy herself or have reasons from past experiences that's making her act this way.

 

It sounds like a vicious cycle you're going through with her, she doesn't seem to know what she wants and when she doesn't have the attention she needs, either she tries to get hold of you while playing games with (including yourself) another guy.

[justaname]

After a couple days of not talking, she texted and called twice this morning. I know I wouldn't like it if I tried to reach her and she didn't call back, so I did.

 

We talked about us of course and how it should go on. Her point is that she knows she has been hesitant and one way one day and another the next and she doest like it how we just meet on the weekends and get close, and then don't have much over the week. Ironic no?

 

I just told her, as objectively and plainly as I could, that I was very gratefull for the good times, sorry for the bad ones which we both gave eachother, and that we've lost so much trust in another but that although I care for her deeply I won't let myself or her go through this any longer.

 

Anyway I must have done a good job at explaining myself because I was not mean or provocative at all and she started crying. Maybe she's sad that its not working out, maybe shes guilty because she's lied. Maybe there's more that she didn't tell me about. We left it open as she had to pick up her kids from school.

 

Now she texts me and asks if I would like to see her tonight.

 

I want to get back to her, thats for sure. And this isn't the breaking up/no contact forum, it's the getting back together forum. Yet, I'm worried I'm going to just delay the inevitable.

 

Oh the temptation.