Should this offend me?

[Quenny]

Hi all, sorry if this post is all over the place! I'm new, and I'm looking for honest answers. I'm just a little confused right now.

 

I've been with my partner for about... 8 months now. We're currently long distance but we're looking to close that within the next year, hopefully.

 

I'd say our relationship is healthy, a few rocky problems at the start due to the distance, but we're learning to cope with that and everything has been fine recently.

 

Due to his working hours during the summer holidays, he gets one day off a week which he spends visiting me. Outside of the holidays he's able to see me three days a week.

 

So we do see each other a fair bit, but it can be hard with the distance.

 

When we're away from each other, we talk online everyday which is great!

 

This is a little embarrassing to say, but when we do talk online, we often talk about sex and go into little fantasies. Like roleplay, outfits etc.

 

I don't mind this as such, it's mainly for him. But I'm happy that we can be so open about this, and that he comes to me for 'help' I guess.

 

But my problem is, I'm not exactly am expert at doing it, so I do try for him.. Which is perfectly fine. But...

 

(Background... He use to be on Facebook, and I remember once he came online on the chat thing when we were being intimate online.. Which worried me slightly..)

 

Anyway...

 

We both look on a forum, (Tis for a game, we're both massive fans of it!) check posts etc, we both have each other on our friends list, and it tells you when the other is online, which topic they're looking at, etc.

 

And I think the whole thing of him going on the Facebook chat made me a little suspicious. I don't believe he's cheating on me with someone else, but it just made me feel like, he was leading me on while he just 'checked out a few websites' I guess.

 

So this forum we're on... Sometimes I do check to see if he's online while we're doing things. Sometimes he is, sometimes he isn't.

 

Today, we were having 'a moment' and I got a little paranoid, and sure enough, in the middle of what we were doing he was clearly active on this forum, looking at different topics every minute or so.

 

God I sound so stupid, almost like spying on him! I don't want to do that!

But I just feel offended that while I'm doing this for "him", he's off browsing websites.

Is this normal, does anyone else do this with your partner and quickly check your mail, private messages, new forum posts?

 

It just makes me feel as if I'm not doing it well enough, or that he's lost interest, or he's just talking about it for the sake of it.

I'm not really sure what to think...

 

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for really! I guess I just need to vent and to see whether my feelings towards this are normal, or if I'm just over reacting...

[lilikausa]

No.. I dont think this is stupid...

let me tell you something... now im 25 .. im not sure how old are you...

But a lot of things happened in my life that makes me grow up more than ever..

 

and one day.. I was just like you right now...

and let me tell you something...

everything happens for a reason...

 

and when we try to find something that maybe doesnt even exist! BELIEVE ME ... WE FIND! lol

 

So... what I think you should do its just stopping trying to find things about him ! and have fun every moment and every conversation you guys have .

If he wants to cheat on you or something like that... he will .. it doesnt matter what you do.. if he really want to do something he deff will!

So just relax!!

 

hope u r ok!!!

 

=]

[ColorBlue]

Well, I suppose it depends on how long you're taking between each message you send. If you're taking a longer time, I can understand why he's looking at stuff in between. I have done that before when my gf and I were having intimate talk. Sometimes she walks away, so I'm used to having to wait and I'll go look at Enotalone or something like that. Is he participating in an interested way when you two talk intimately? I can understand why you'd be upset though, so don't take it as me just rationalizing completely for your guy. You want his whole attention, not just part of it.

[Quenny]

You want his whole attention, not just part of it.

 

That's exactly it I think. I know I'm giving him my full attention, but I don't get his while we're doing this. It's almost like he's getting distracted and isn't really that interested sometimes. But that's me presuming, I can't say that for sure I know.

 

Thank you for replying, ColorBlue, it's eased my mind a little.

 

The only breaks we have are when I'm typing a reply back. Which normally takes a minute or two. Quite literally. I never walk away, or gone AFK. I always stay with him until he's finished. So I don't really understand why forum checking can't wait. But maybe that's me being selfish?

 

He's very interested when we talk like this, or at least, his text and what I can tell from what he types, he's not bored.

 

I'm not sure whether to confront him on this or just put up with it. He doesn't have a single clue I've "checked up on him" nor that it upsets me. And I can imagine he'd react badly. I know I'd feel a bit weird if my partner was checking up on my times on a forum, but then again... I wouldn't do that while I was being intimate with them.

[Quenny]

I couldn't find a sticky of the forum rules, so I hope this isn't a bump, or I'm doing something I shouldn't.. I just have to vent again, I guess...

 

My guy and I started to talk intimate again... And yet again I looked at his profile thingie on that forum. Sure enough he's online and looking at stuff on there.

 

Because of this, I tried to be even faster with my replies, but he's still active, checking out different topics.

 

This is so off putting. I know I shouldn't be looking at him when we do this... But now I know he does this I just can't help it...

 

It's also starting to make me go cold against him during or afterwards... I really don't care less what we talk about anymore online because I know he's off doing other things like forum browsing while I'm trying to be loving...

 

I asked before if I should confront him or not... But I know me 'spying' on him sounds absurd... so I know I shouldn't say a single thing...

 

The only thing I can think of doing is attempting to delete my profile from the forum and never go on there again, delete all bookmarks so I'm not tempted to check up on him...

 

I'm just stuck. This is upsetting me and there isn't anything I can do about it...

[elite867]

Hi Quenny,

 

I would agree with most of the advice given so far. But I would go a bit further to say, if it is really bothering you, you should talk to him about it. If he truly loves you, he should be open to listen to your side.

 

Maybe you don't want to say that you've been monitoring it for a while...but just casually mention the next time it happens that you noticed it and felt upset or saddened by it.

 

The problem with not talking to him about it is that, as you said, it is influencing how you respnd to him "making you go cold..."

 

He may be picking up on this and begin responding to that which may not be a good thing for your relationship.

 

Anyway, just be open and honest about your feelings. If he can't accept that, then it wouldn't work out anyway and you are better off.

 

Best of luck

[D_Lish]

I'd take it that he was bored and not that interested in what I was saying....

I'd think that he wasnt that interested in me, if he's looking elsewhere online and when we are chatting....especially if it was intimate talk. But then I've never talked intimate online, does nothing for me...

 

We would consider people to be rude and in real life and if we were talking to them and were not getting their 'full' attention.....I dont see the difference online.