Been split up for 5 months-please advise

[browns20]

Hello all,

 

My girlfriend and I have been split up for about 5 months. This post is long but I would like to read your comments. This was my first true gf and I tend to have a hard time letting go of things. Please let me know if i was in the wrong or if she was. Thanks!

 

I am beating myself up mentally. I dated this girl for 5 months, Ann. Of course things went well at first. The first few times we hung out she said she is the most easy-going girl. We had many things in common, from same area of state, like to party, comfortable around each other. The basis is drinking and will surround this email alot. About 2-3 months into the relationship I noticed that her drinking was too much. What I mean is that she became hard to understand at times and more damaging liked to pick fights over the smallest stuff. She was my first true girlfriend (I am 26 she 24) and she has had several past bfs. She told me her past history in men have been bad (one cheated on her basically in front of her). I am considered by many in my wide circle of friends to be one of the nicest guys they know. I am being 100% honest in telling you all this because there is no reason to bs. I am going to go through, mainly, those incidents that were bad. I still care about the girl though (love..yeah) but not willing, if the situation presented itself, to get back together unless the majority of the items below would change.

 

My faults: Among things that guys do I have done some things that would be my fault. I once aacused her of lying to me which still is up in the air but I apologized. I wanted to chill by myself one night, after been dating only for a month. She still came over to my place later that night. She gave her new roommate, Sarah, the key to her apartment to make a copy at Home Depot. Her roommate never came back that night which left her out of a place to stay. I initially called her bluff and said she couldn't leave me alone for one night just for me to have "me time." I thought although I didn't say to her, that I felt she didn't trust me just in case I brought over another girl. I wouldn't blame her for thinking that if it was the case but still I wanted my space (love the attn of a gf but still not totally used to it). She obviously was pissed at me. I did apologize, whether I was right or wrong, several times.

 

Over the course of time the constant picking fights over small stuff picked up. 90% of time this only happened when she was drinking. I drink a decent amount too but I am a happy drinker, she, as I was finding out, was not good at drinking when alone with her. Drinking in a group setting...she was great. We hung out roughly 4-5 times a week, depending on her work schedule. She worked at the leasing office where I lived and was also a bartender downtown. When drinking and if we weren't fighting she would tell me more about herself. For example, she didn't graduate from college with a Zoology major yet..she has debt (mostly student loans) in amount of $70K. I offered in support and some advice..but never gave her money. She never really wanted to talk about how to deal with her financial issues in more detail. I would tell her to break her probs apart and take first step in going back to school..then take on financial issues. As long as you are taking steps to improve yourself is always a good sign in my book. She always complains about her sister's bf and says he told her that he would never marry her because of how much debt she is in. At first I thought that was a bogus decision but later reconsidered it.

 

The next major fight was when she came to my place on a Sunday already a few beers deep. She brought a huge bottle of wine. About 3/4 into the bottle she picks a stupid fight about me telling her to clean up a mess she made on the carpet with food before. She thought I was harsh in telling her to do a better job of cleaning up..she did a shoddy job of it. I apologized to her if I did sound annoyed when I told her that...but then she kept going and picking at stupid stuff until the alcohol completely kicked in. When this happened I LITERALLY couldn't understand what she was saying. She was still trying to fight with me while at the same time straddling me and trying to make-out. Huge turn-off for me and I told her she was acting like a 8 yr old brat. The next day she emailed me and said she didn't remember much of the fight (of course) and did apologize. But all her apologies seem to be asking me to apologize as well. Still going out at this point.

 

A few weeks later she was fired from her bartending job and called toward the end of my work day. She said she punched the prices for drinks in wrong and that it was wrong but this was her first time in 2 yrs being in any trouble there. We initially had not planned on hanging out that night. I told her she needs to immediately dispute the termination and bring up the fact that she committed her first "wrong" in 2 yrs. I called her after I got off work while running errands, trying to comfort her and reminding her atleast she stills has a job with my apartment complex's leasing office. I told her I will call again soon. On my side I felt that I should go directly over there to be with her in person. I didn't really want to as I knew she would be drinking heavily already and I would become the whipping boy and would be walking on egg shells all night. I decided to call around 7PM. When she answered I asked her if she wants me to come over...she just said no you don't have to, my good friend is over here now so don't worry about it (slight sarcastic tone). I felt bad but I knew why I didn't want to go over there. About 15 min later she called and said " I am upset that you didn't come over right away to be with your gf who just got fired." I apologized literally 10-15 times over this specific call. I asked again if she wanted me to come over and she was like do what you want (seemed like I would get even more of ear full if I went). I basically told her that since I am in trouble with you that you need to tell me one way or the other if you want me to come over. I didn't and 20min later she called and said (apparently drunk) " I still don't know why you haven't come over." Her next call was 20 min later saying I just heard that my grandma has cancer. I expressed my sympathies but felt it would not change anything if I went over to her place. She called for the 4th time and * * * * * ed me out again for not coming over and finally I snapped and told her that " I have apologized 25 times and realized as the bf I should have gone over after work but I didn't (had my own reasons). Please do not rub my face in my mistakes continually and of course the argument continued, etc." She tried calling 4-5 times after in which I didn't answer. She texted me asking me to pick up my phone. why would she continually call if she is pissed at me? I did text her saying your alcohol problem is exactly why I never went over and did not want you taking your bad day out on me as you usually do. The next morning she called me at work and said " I had every reason to be drinking last night." I said that drinking is not a reason to downplay your issues. She told her friend who was still there that my bf still thinks I shouldn't have been drinking last night. I told her to grow up and hung up the phone. We eventually made up a few days later but this clings to my mind.

 

A week later, after having sex late at night, she said that it seems like we are scheduling time to have sex. It was a fair thing to bring up and I agreed with her and said that spicing things up is a good idea. We had a good conversation for 5-10 minutes (can't remember if she was drinking). She went to the restroom and since it was late at night I rolled on my side and tried to sleep. She came in the bedroom and said "that's it?" I sat up (annoyed) and said well what do you want me to do about it now? Really what good is it to spice it up after the conversation ended 5 min earlier? It became an argument for 15 min.

 

That weekend I went upstate to meet my friends for our annual "Beer Pong" party. It's a silly event but nonetheless a reason to get together and have fun. She went to Indianapolis with her friend to meet her best friend. Mid-way into my first beer pong game I receive a call from my gf and she wanted to talk (relationship issues). I said I will call back in 10 minutes when my game is finished. We had 30 people watching and waiting for their turn so I could not just drop what I was doing. After the game I went outside to call her..instead I receive a call from her best friend (from Indy). She totally chewed me out for not comforting my gf when she lost her job. I was pissed as well and said that I already apologized for this to my gf. She accused me of abandoning her, etc. and of course I defended myself. I eventually hung up on her friend. Her friend tried calling back several times in which I didn't answer. Finally my gf called and began arguing with me about whatever she wanted to and her friend from Columbus was screaming in the background saying: Nate's a douchbag, waste of life, etc. This hurt because I try to gain respect from everyone I meet. I am not perfect and do make mistakes but geez ow I didn't deserve this. I have never been in a fist fight in my life, let alone very few verbal arguments. The following Monday I went to her place and said we should take a break. I wanted to assess which way I should go. It only lasted a week and my gf wanted to hang out. So ... ok... that Friday we went out to eat. She wasn't her normal self and asked if she was ok. She said it just doesn't seem the same. We went to a movie and afterwards on the way home I asked if she wanted me to stay at her place. She said she had to work early in the morning. I told her I wasn't ready for bed so we could hang out tomorrow. When we arrived at her place I did walk in and check her place (there was a rapist on the loose in the area). After checking I asked if she was ok with me leaving. She said it's ok and I said I will see you tomorrow. When I got back to my apartment she texted me saying that I did not have to go. She basically is playing a huge mind game. As a guy I want yes/no answers. She said you need to read between the lines and my rebuttal was this is no time to be playing games. The next day she said we should split up. I was ok with that.

 

I emailed her that week and said I loved her and we should really try to work it out. We hung out that Thursday and it went pretty good. We went out putt-putt golf on Saturday and went out to eat before she went to work at her new bartending job. We hung out Sunday all day. She brought a 12 pack of beer over. I wasn't drinking. That night I was in my room on the computer and she was in the living room when she told me my mom was calling. I brought my phone in my room because I wanted to tell my mom I was hanging out with my gf and were trying to patch things up. Mom said OK and agreed to call me tomorrow. When I went in the living room, my gf asked why I didn't mention her name when talking to mom. I said I did mention her name. She said I heard you say you were just hanging by yourself. I told her why would I tell my mom I am just hanging by myself and that I couldn't talk tonight bc I was doing nothing..? She had no good come back for that. She was 7-8 beers deep by now. I asked how did she know what I said to mom if she was in the other room? She said she muted the tv. I told her I am done and going to bed. She followed me in and sat on my bed still wanting to argue. I grabbed the beer out of her hand and put it in the kitchen. Then I told her to get out of my room. She refused and I asked 5 more times before I walked over to my bed and picked her up and physically placed her out of my room.

 

The next day she emailed and said it was over. I agreed and we exchanged harsh emails. A few days later (stupid me) I wrote a letter to her asking that both of us take it more slow and try to really put our frustrations out there. I still loved her but things would need to change. She said that it's not a good time in her life and a relationship is not what she wants now. I texted her that weekend and she asked if I would like to meet up with her and her friend at a bar near her apartment. I went and met them. She told me she is moving to Indy with her friend and her friend's boyfriend. I poured my heart out but was unsure what she felt. She bought a few rounds of shots and I had to carry her out of the bar that night. I went to her place and we made out. We hung out a little the next day and she still felt that it is not the right time to date. I have to repect this, it is only right. She says she is not happy right now and mainly with herself. She admitted being a * * * * * to me during our relationaship. I said if you are not happy I can try to help. I told her instead of bouncing from job to job, finsh your last couple quarters at school. That would be a positive in life. Then find that desirable job and begin tackling financial issues. I said once you do this you will start becoming happy in finding some continuity.

 

The next week I asked if we could hang out (even though all my friends and family are saying stay away..she is trouble). She said she is in Indy looking for jobs. Early that morning she quit her only job at the leasing office. I stopped initiating contact after that.

 

A few weeks later she would call real late at night but leave no message. A week later after that she did get a hold of me and said that she is going to try and go back to school ( if her dad cosigns..she has defaulted on a small loan w him before). She kept her weekend bartending job in columbus (I guess leasing wasn't her only job..sorry for confusion). Obviously the Indy thing didn't work out. She called a week later wanting to hang out. We did hang out and talked about relationship stuff. I told her it hurts but I am ok with the break up (deep down still love her but afraid if I would feel the way I did when it ended = angry). One thing she did while hangin out and always did while in the relationship was bring up past bfs/flings. It drove me nuts to always hear about who wants her and the boys she has been with. So I told her "How would you like it if I told you I am going out on a date tomorrow night (which was true)?" She said it was fine and put on a smile. We slept in the same bed that night and made out a little.

 

The next night I took this other girl out for a date. It went real well. When I got back my ex texted me wanting to know how it went. I said "real well." I woke up the next morning with 2 texts and 1 voice mail. The texts said she was jealous I went on a date and that if I truly loved her that I would not have went out on a date with another girl. She said this must mean we aren't right for each other. I texted back saying it was just one date and that you know how I feel about you. I told her she is giving me mixed messages and she needs to be upfront on how she feels about me. She texted later saying she wants to be friends (huh?). She said she needs to focus on herself and figure out what she wants to do. I texted her saying well going back to collge is a good first step and I'm happy she is doing it. She got pissed and said why does everyone keep saying that. I didn't text after that.

 

Two weeks later her friend in columbus (the on that said I was a waste) left me a voice mail saying that my ex was missing for 2 days. I said we should meet and go out looking and get the cops on the horn. I received a call from her friend an hour later saying my ex called from jail. I told her that my ex needs to call me and let me know what happened. I was relieved she was not in the bottom of a river somewhere. My ex called and said on Monday she was at a bar to meet up with a friend and she stumbled on a curb on her way home in front of a cop. The cop gave her disorderly conduct. I said I heard you didn't even have shoes on you must have been completely hammered. She said she wasn't. I said you don't just get a disorderly conduct for nothing...public intox was more suitable per her story. She said the cop was a jerk. I didn't want to fight about it so just let her keep going with her story. She was in jail monday night to wednesday evening. Her case was dropped by the judge. She came over that night bc she didn't want to be alone. We hung out and of course made out before bed. She kissed me good bye the next morning. The girl I took out on a date wasn't in the picture anymore

 

The next night she called to tell me her dog from her hometown died. This week she called and said she was being evicted from her apartment. Her roommate has been bouncing checks since January. They owed $1,145 by this Friday (5/8/09) or else they were out. She tried to get a hold of her roommate and get things straightened out. Her roommate never paid and Wednesday she called me saying we can't hang out tonight bc she is packing up to move in w her best friend in Indy. I, early in the week, said she can move in with me (to go to school, etc...maybe if something brewed up between us...it was a dangerous offer i admit). I went over to give back some stuff she left at my apartment and to offer my piece of mind (not a good move on my part). I asked her if she did everything she could to talk the leasing company from evicting her since it was not her fault. I even offered to go with her to talk to them as support. She was set on Indy though. I did bring up that I thought we were moving along slowly but steadily and she said she is not happy and wants to move. She kinda hinted maybe down the road something... Again, I have to respect that but I also asked about school. She is putting it off for now..again. I told her that I didn't want to see her being in her mid 30s and then trying to stabilize her life. She said I wont be like that and WHY does everything have to be by the book with: College degree, house, kids, marriage. I said how could you not want to be stable. She said she wants those things and that I would give her a good life but she wants to figure stuff out on her own. She said "something will come up: and I said "no it will not (esp with her attitude): She said nice knowing you .. End of story

 

Please provide your insight. I still have feelings for her but will never jump right back into a relationship (if for some reason she would want to...highly unlikely). What typically happens to people like her? Will moving in with her best friend work? Will she try to contact me ever again especially the way we left it? I hate totally giving up but feel she is too much trouble than what it's worth. I still don't know. Obviously the ball is in her court to do many things. Please give me your advice. Say whatever you need to say. Please help me out here.

[soheartbroken]

For more responses you will need to break this down into the nuts and bolts (that is, shorten up the post, include only the most relevant details). People lurk on ENA at work and late at night, so long posts are difficult to dissect.

 

I will try to read the whole thing tomorrow...but it's almost 2am and I can't concentrate.

[browns20]

ok thanks. i wiil try to do so

[soheartbroken]

Take in mind this is coming from someone who totally F'd up their own relationship, and so is really in no position to talk about what is healthy and unhealthy...and I also remember fighting with my gf alot when we first started going out and were drinking...

 

But your relationship with this girl was super unhealthy. She has issues, and you have issues. There is so much drama and immaturity going on.

 

What will happen to someone like her? My guess is she will keep drinking, keep screwing up, and will eventually hit rock bottom before cleaning herself up (which could be never). My guess is that she will move on to some other poor guy in Indy.

 

I think you will hear from her again, especially if she keeps up with the drinking, and until she moves on to someone else (but that relationship is likely to fail and then she will contact you again). She will contact you UNLESS the trip to Indy clears her head and she realizes just how messed up she is. This is highly unlikely. Her friend that went off on you on the phone sounds like a real winner too...

 

You need to get out of whatever circle of drama you are in. You need to surround yourself with stable people. And you may be a really nice guy, but the relationship issues are not totally her fault. You could have laid down your foot earlier and said "enough is enough". You cannot argue with someone who is drunk like that, you just need to walk away.

 

How have things been going?

[browns20]

Haven't heard from her in 4 months almost. I know I was not perfect but what was my issues? This advise may help for my next relationship. Thanks!

[LostKat]

This girl has many problems that she needs to sort out. As much as you care about her, I would stay away. From what you described, she sounds like an alcoholic who should seek help. She probably can't get her life straight because of her drinking problem and it is going to be a vicious cycle until she hits rock bottom. Your only problem was hanging on to it as long as you did although it seems you did it b/c you cared about her as a person more than anything. I think it is best to let her find herself and sort out her own problems. You may have a desire to help her but she may bring you right down with her. Trust me, there is someone just right for you out there and it more than likely is not her.

[withoutanet]

Sometimes, people should be left to their own devices. As hard as it sounds, what she does is no longer your concern. This is the hardest part for me to deal with after I was dumped.

 

It's normal to still harbor feelings for someone, especially when it's your first, however at the end of the day, if they do not want to be with you, then you have to let them go to find whatever it is they are looking for.

 

You can only do so much,you have to get going with yourself, so work on yourself. THe one for you is out there somewhere, you'll know you've found them when the relationship is not so hard. If you have to work on it that hard, and granted every relationship need some work, it really isn't worth it.

 

Take your time, mourn the end of it, and try to move on.

[browns20]

thanks everyone for your excellent comments!

[soheartbroken]

Hi, I never really responded about what your issues are. Mostly because the post was so long that I couldn't really remember the whole story.

 

I think I was in a bad mood too when I first responded...but in a way you taught her that it was okay to treat you like she did. You were too nice. You cannot engage with someone when they are drunk and belligerent like was. I think you have to see the red flags next time, and put your foot down earlier. You can be a nice guy, but don't take that kind of sh*t. Does this make sense?

 

How are things for you now?

[browns20]

Soheartbroken,

 

Makes perfect sense. What you (and others) said is what family and friends have told me. I let it happen too often. Not that I didn't stand up for myself and try to reason with her but....

 

You guys are great and make my days better. I'm better gradually each week.

[Cutie101]

her is the things.. your girlfriend is a GIRL probably still immature and you are jsut another guy.. immature and insensitive. it's true, sometimes we say thigns like "you don't have to stay" but what we are really saying is "please stay" and what we want YOU TO SAY is.. " I know I don't have to but want to"

 

Move on, people that are no longer in your life aren't ment to be in the future... sorry to be soo harsh.