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I don't ever use these things, and I almost feel like I'm searching for confirmation here. Would like some advice, or maybe a story that gives a bit of hope?


I was on and off with a girl (she 18, I 20 when we started) for almost a year. We would get together, get along amazingly well, and then something would happen and one of us (usually her) would lose feelings. We'd try moving on, date other people, but usually within a week or two we'd be back where we were. At one point we lived together before I left the country for a masters last Sept.


While I was gone we both dated someone. At one point she became single while I wasn't and and told me she was in love with me, that she wanted to get back together. I didn't say no, but I did say I needed to finish my existing relationship on my own terms, and time will tell. I didn't say wait, I simply said the timing was horrible. Afterall, I wouldn't see her for 7 months! She throws a tantrum for almost 2 months, then finally walks, saying she'd never try again. I break up with the girl about 3 months later, and she in the meantime dated a few on and off.


I'm about to come home and she had met someone. She likes him, sees him for a bit, and become official right before I'm due to re-enter the country. I flip. I had refrained from anything significant (dated a bunch, but not much), but mostly was waiting to come home for her. I lost a relative, and the grief + situation sorta makes us fight on a massive level. We talk right before I'm due to leave, about a week and a half later, and I apologize. Since I've been home she told me she's in love with her bf, and that he's the one. I've been coy, telling her before I left I'm moving on, and I was serious. 7 first dates in two weeks being back, and a few do have potential. But I still love her (there's moving on and movvvinggg onn), and that's tough hearing her say that stuff. I finally hit a max, and asked for us to sit down and talk (a potential fatal error, though I made sure not to say why). She responds "I'm sorry, I'm going to be busy" (legit, I knew she had plans, though I was sorta hoping she'd propose a different time...).


I guess...Is there any chance here, or am I slamming into a massive wall? I know nothing's for certain. Afterall, she's only 20, I'm 22, and we change in huge ways. I also know the guy she's with is exactly counter the type of person she wants to end up with (ambitious, career-minded, and sociable. He's....safe really, and that's about it). I guess I kinda want to know that people have come back from worse?

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I'm no expert, unless you count royally * * * * ing up everything that ever matters, but for what it's worth, yes - I think there's always a chance. If you look back at the past though, your best results have come from moving on yourself. Whether your paths will take you in opposite directions is the $1,000,000 question. Truth is, you just don't know. But IMHO, so long as you don't shut the lines of communication, there's always a chance.

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Let's see, I'm familiar with what you are dealing with and in my case it went like this:


- We were on/off for what seemed to be almost a decade

- I kept thinking the reason we always went back together was deep and meaningful when in fact was a huge fear of change and commitment

- Whenever we got back together it seemed to add to the storyline that "it was meant to be" but actually none of us were willing to do more than that to make it happen, and sometimes just the fact of getting in touch seemed "too much" (he ignored me all the time he had a new girl)

- I didn't really want to be with him but was terrified of making "the biggest mistake of my life" by letting go


I wish I had not worried so much and wasted so many years of my life with him, we did get along, we were great friends and we did have a strong connection but that was it. We were young and we both wanted to make something last longer than it should have just because we got addicted to the drama.

If you put a lot of your personal value in another person's opinion then of course a breakup or rejection are going to make you feel worthless and you're going to try to get that person back (yourself through her) so you can feel like everything is in the right place, but it's not real, it's your fears playing with you.


Let go of the past, find out where your doubts are coming from and work on being comfortable on your own.

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I guess the answer really is to move on. Anything that will happen in the future will be new, and the fact is, no one can really tell me if there's a chance since people have come back from far worse situations....


Guess time will tell...

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