How to be a man in a relationship?

[Meho7x]

I would really love to hear tips, stories, or anything about How to actually be a man in a relationship. What does it take to be a man in a relationship etc. I think most of my relationships in the past failed because i gave too much or was not a man i'm supposed to be... I'm in a relationship right now... We love each other, however i'm just worried that maybe down the line, something will mess it up... and it could be because i'm not a man that girls like to stick with for a long time.

 

I'm 28, had 4 long term relationships... They all pretty much ended with then going away to another country and finding someone else. I would very much love for this not to happen again, but maybe that is just my purpose in life... who knows.

 

Anyway, lay it on me.

 

Thanks

[Cognitive_Canine]

Being a "man". Not sure I like that term. But, I'll try to grasp what you mean.

 

-Standing up for your partner. If someone is being mean to her or some drunk guy is shoving your gf out of his way, do something about it besides apologize to her.

-Standing up for yourself and not being afraid to tell other guys to back off if they cross the line. If a guy hits on your gf in front of you, tell him to step off.

-Voicing your opinion and listening to theirs

-Not saying "I don't know. Whatever you want to do". That gets very old. If you want to go out, have an idea of what you want to do. If you feel like italian, say you want italian rather than fearing your partner won't get what they want.

 

 

However, I don't think these traits are gender exclusive. I'd rather call it "having a backbone and being self aware" than "being a man".

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think it's all about having confidence and direction. And these qualities are attractive in both men and women. Nobody wants a listless, malleable and clingy puppy dog. They're fun for a while, but get boring pretty quickly. People need to have respect for their partner. People need an occasional challenge. Know what you want from life and don't be afraid to chase after it and take the honorable path to get it. And no, this doesn't mean being inflexible - you have to keep a balance.

 

Debaser_wolf gave a great example: know where you want to go to dinner. That's a great start to the proper attitude. And you should get your way about half the time. Too much more than half the time and you'll come accross as a controlling jerk. Too much less than half the time and you'll come accross as a doormat. Like so many things in life, finding the right balance is the key.

[Caterina]

I think that the man in the relationship is not going to blame others for his problems. I think he's overall a good guy and isn't expected to be superman. I think a man fixes stuff, like cars and house things. And likes to play video games. And watches tv. I think a man would rather die than let someone harm his family. I think that a man might screw up once in a while like anyone but not in a big way...like being an alcoholic or a cheater...

 

Personally, I like a guy who lets me decide stuff....but who also decides to do stuff he likes to.

[soursobgirl]

a man ...

- does not let others boss him around ie. his mother, family or friends

- he puts you first, within reason

- he is there to talk to about anything and give you sound advice

- he is there to encourage you when you are going through a hard time

- a man is there so you can hold his hand when times are rough

- a man shouldnt be afraid to show emotion and tell you what he is really thinking about and how much he cares about you.

[atelis]

I think you need to look at perhaps whether you have abandonment issues that is influencing how you behave in these relationships and the partners you choose.......perhaps you are choosing emotionally unavailable women and sabotaging your own chances.

 

If you are giving too much at the expense of your own needs and wants, then you are trying to control your partner's feelings for you. The more i give, the more she will love me........it doesn't work that way. This usually happens when you have low self worth and poor boundaries as a result

[Meho7x]

a man ...

- does not let others boss him around ie. his mother, family or friends

- he puts you first, within reason

- he is there to talk to about anything and give you sound advice

- he is there to encourage you when you are going through a hard time

- a man is there so you can hold his hand when times are rough

- a man shouldnt be afraid to show emotion and tell you what he is really thinking about and how much he cares about you.

 

This pretty much sums it up the way i am....

[Meho7x]

I think you need to look at perhaps whether you have abandonment issues that is influencing how you behave in these relationships and the partners you choose.......perhaps you are choosing emotionally unavailable women and sabotaging your own chances.

 

If you are giving too much at the expense of your own needs and wants, then you are trying to control your partner's feelings for you. The more i give, the more she will love me........it doesn't work that way. This usually happens when you have low self worth and poor boundaries as a result

 

You are apsolutelly right... Everything you said... I don't know how to actually fix all that. I do have abandonment issues... and the women i was with and am right now are like you said emotionally unavailable.

 

I have a constant need to be with her and constant need for love which is not always there.

[npsgnome]

pick up this book, I'm reading it right now, and I can really relate to it: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A Glover

it deals with abandonment issues in there as well, and tells you how not to be a push over.

[DEANRI]

I think you need to look at perhaps whether you have abandonment issues that is influencing how you behave in these relationships and the partners you choose.......perhaps you are choosing emotionally unavailable women and sabotaging your own chances.

 

If you are giving too much at the expense of your own needs and wants, then you are trying to control your partner's feelings for you. The more i give, the more she will love me........it doesn't work that way. This usually happens when you have low self worth and poor boundaries as a result

 

I agree and I speak from experience. Abandonment issues lead to codependence and I myself am learning a new way of being. Luckily, I found that my behaviour in my last relationship was causing me to lose self respect as well as my g/f's, so I ended it. Have to learn to not give up too much of yourself or you will lose your identity. Something I am reeling with now.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I would google preoccupied attachment. Does this sound familiar?

 

People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

[Pappers]

relationships fail for so many reasons. almost everyone dates many people before one relationship ends up sticking. I think it might also have to do with your age - most girls aren't ready to settle down until late 20s, most guys too (if not even later). so this time in your life is probably ideal for something to work out long term.

[Meho7x]

Sounds like me... So what's the fix here then

[oldenoughtoknow]

Sounds like me... So what's the fix here then

 

Understanding your issue is the first step. That will hopefully prompt you you to search for people that are more compatible. When you're getting to know someone, look for ones that are looking for a "fully committed, intimate and bonded relationship," or something along those lines. Someone who doesn't really know what they're looking for, or that just wants to casually date, will probably drive you nuts. And of course, counseling is your best bet for a true resolution. There's no one-size-fits-all solution for these types of things.

[Meho7x]

I'm already seeing a girl for 7months now... I don't want to end this relationship because of the issues i'm having... i mean she's not perfect either... However there are times when i get those feelings like mentioned above and i don't want to drive her away because of my insecurities...

[Gazi]

Manhood is about mentality........>>>>