NC, Should I break it

[getting_on_ok]

My girl broke up with me about 7 weeks ago. I felt like it was coming for awhile and was trying to fix it by fixing myself. Calling me and texting came to a halt during this time. During the relationship I would break up with her and then come right back. One of the main reasons for this was because she would stare at other men. As well as confine in other men. It made me insecure and I told her it hurt me however it continued. So every time a fight and I would tell her I was gone, I know it wasn't right and we had some bad arguments. Finally we got into a fight because she wasn't calling me back and I told her some times I have a problem trusting her. She breaks up with me. We talk on the phone and I basically tell her I agree and we leave it at that. The next day she calls and tells me to call her counselor and tells me to call her when I am fixed. That was confusing. Since then I have not talked to her.

 

Recently, I heard that she has been asking about me, and wanted to call me and that she really loves me. This was last week Monday. She hasnt called and I wanted to know if I should be a man and break NC?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think you should be a man and stay NC.

 

You and her both need to work on things before either of you are healthy enough for a relationship.

[getting_on_ok]

I think you should be a man and stay NC.

 

You and her both need to work on things before either of you are healthy enough for a relationship.

 

I am actually in the process of doing this and I was during the relationship. She would tell me she was fighting for me. And that she wished I did this earlier. I looks like you have been on here for awhile do people get back together ever? Especially when they love each other.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I am actually in the process of doing this and I was during the relationship. She would tell me she was fighting for me. And that she wished I did this earlier. I looks like you have been on here for awhile do people get back together ever? Especially when they love each other.

 

I got back together with my bf.

 

It's a tricky business, getting back together.

 

I know of a few other couples on this site who have gotten back together and are very happy with their SO's too. A few are now married. And those are just the people who report back.

 

But, I have to recommend focusing on your own healing and fixing your problems before trying to get back together, or you'll just be back where you started. You wouldn't go into a new relationship with a broken heart and a bunch of baggage, so, you shouldn't do the same with an old partner.

[exback]

I am getting angry...sorry I know SOMETIMES NC might be the best way BUT JUST FOR healing!!! To me it seems both love each other and both are hesitant to make the first move...Maybe some lovers never came back together because they went NC and thought "If she/he loves me he will come back"....You know some people would even die to keep their pride. NC is NOT the solution/ way for everything. I would recommend if you feel like calling her/talking to her and if you can handle the situation if she does not want to go back for the moment - GO FOR IT!

[getting_on_ok]

I dont think I can, the way she was treating before the break up seemed like she had someone else. However, if she has someone else would she say those things to her friend?

[exback]

I learned at least that one: never GUESS whether or not she might be thinking this or that or whether or not she was cheating and so on. If you know it from her and if you know it for sure okay but otherwise don't assume anything.. Don't you think she would have told you so if there was someone else!? And even if there is someone else - maybe it is to make you jealous - maybe love - who knows....Even then it wouldn't mean she doesn't miss you or she doesn't think about you....

[getting_on_ok]

But if she does miss me dont you think since she broke up with me she should contact me?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Try to ignore wondering about her rebound because the reasoning behind the rebound vary so much.

 

She could have left you to be with the new guy.

Or she could have been with a new guy to try and get over you.

There are hundreds of reasons she could be with someone else and just as many are good as bad.

 

If she is with someone else, you need to respect that and leave her alone.

 

If she comes back, she comes back. If she doesn't, she's not worth it. She broke up with you, the ball is in her court.

[Cognitive_Canine]

But if she does miss me dont you think since she broke up with me she should contact me?

 

Yes, it is HER job to contact you.

 

Don't chase after someone who rejects you. It'll only push them away farther and keep you from healing.

[brokenheart311]

I am getting angry...sorry I know SOMETIMES NC might be the best way BUT JUST FOR healing!!! To me it seems both love each other and both are hesitant to make the first move...Maybe some lovers never came back together because they went NC and thought "If she/he loves me he will come back"....You know some people would even die to keep their pride. NC is NOT the solution/ way for everything. I would recommend if you feel like calling her/talking to her and if you can handle the situation if she does not want to go back for the moment - GO FOR IT!

 

 

I agree and disagree with you. My ex is one that will probably carry silence to the grave so that she doesn;t have to admit she was wrong about something. I will more than likely have to be the one to make the emotionally risky steps if we are ever to reconcile. However breaking NC too soon and taking those risks too soon can be detrimental to both parties. Doing too soon for the ex's perspective and it will push them further away. Doing it too soon from a dumpees perspective will cause delayed healing if denied. Plus if you are not healed enough it is likely you will get overly emotional and come of as needy and say a bunch of stuff that doesn't need to be brought up in the early stages of reconnecting.

 

I'm all for dumpees contacting their ex's if they are ready, unfortunately there is no set criteria to determine readiness, each person has to be able to honestly asses themselves. In my situation I know I've grown, I know I'm stronger, confident and independent. I have a great support group of family friends, church members. i have plenty of physical relief from stress. I have always been able to bounce back and be my best after emotional letdowns. I know my ex and I are meant to be together....I also know though, that it is still too soon to break NC and test her waters and We've been apart over 100 days and NC for 49 consecutive days now. tread carefully.

[getting_on_ok]

Have you been in this type of situation? Have you been the dumper?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Have you been in this type of situation? Have you been the dumper?

 

Is this addressed to me?

 

No, I was dumped in my situation. And HE was the one who put the effort into getting us back together.

[getting_on_ok]

I have been in no contact for 47 days. But if she misses me and she wants to be with me then dont you think she would contact me. I am really worried about her being with another man.

[getting_on_ok]

Is this addressed to me?

 

No, I was dumped in my situation. And HE was the one who put the effort into getting us back together.

 

How long did you stay in NC

[Cognitive_Canine]

How long did you stay in NC

 

3-4 months.

 

He called me a few times out of nowhere. Usually at night.

 

Those typically resulted in him immediately apologizing for calling me and then calling back the next day to apologize again. Then we'd talk for a good hour and it was good.

 

The only time I broke NC was to send him an email shortly after we broke up detailing that I thought he was a good person, wanted to go NC for a long time, and hoped we could be friends down the line.

[brokenheart311]

I have been in no contact for 47 days. But if she misses me and she wants to be with me then dont you think she would contact me. I am really worried about her being with another man.

 

i don't know her so I can't say for sure. And if she's with another man so what? I know it sucks I hate to think my ex is with somebody new, but it's a possibility, but we're broken up. Maybe somebody new who doesn't open doors for her, doesn't brings her flowers just because it's a tuesday and they have extra money, doesn't treat her son well, doesn't encourage her career dreams and aspirations, doesn't make dinner for her or cleans the dishes after she makes dinner, doesn't do that thing I do with my fingers when I'm going down, is what she needs to miss me. Maybe if she finds out how lacking a new guy is in comparison to what she had, she may come back on her own, that goes for you too.

 

I think you are wanting somebody to come right out and say it and everyone hints around. No, I don't think you are ready to contact her. She may already be with someone new and if you contact her now and find that out, to me, it looks like it would completely crush you, so no, you aren't ready. Start assuming she's with someone new, so that way you can let that fear go a little. You are having a few bad days here where emotions are getting the best of you, calm down, breath and concentrate on you.

 

Hope that didn't sound like too much tough love.

[Brownstone322]

... doesn't do that thing I do with my fingers when I'm going down ...

Dude, don't be thinking about that other guy quite that much.

[getting_on_ok]

My thing is, why cant I just let go. Its been almost two months

[brokenheart311]

Dude, don't be thinking about that other guy quite that much.

 

OhI don't actually think about the other possible guy I think about that way she would ask for that thing I do.

[brokenheart311]

My thing is, why cant I just let go. Its been almost two months

 

Because two months is nothing when you consider that you put your entire heart into somebody and something. I'm almost at four months and I can't let go either, I just keep getting better at dealing with it. Tell you what read everything you can from that Brownstone guy

[getting_on_ok]

I am feel really week today. I dont want to give her the power by calling because it makes me look week. I am just so worried that this time apart can make her move on.

[Brownstone322]

Tell you what read everything you can from that Brownstone guy

I appreciate your kind words, but let's get something straight here: I am a fool who gradually alienated the centerpiece of my life over an extended period of time, and I wasn't "smart" enough to even see it coming. I had everything I ever wanted -- I don't want for much -- and I wasn't able to keep even that. I wouldn't even be here if I weren't a goddamned failure.

 

Perspective is everything, and I have it.

[brokenheart311]

I am feel really week today. I dont want to give her the power by calling because it makes me look week. I am just so worried that this time apart can make her move on.

 

That's kinda the mindset you need right now, to not display yourself as a poor, powerless servant to her. YOu can't call her when you feel weak and you know that, you have to wait until you feel stronger, much stronger.

 

I appreciate your kind words, but let's get something straight here: I am a fool who gradually alienated the centerpiece of my life over an extended period of time, and I wasn't "smart" enough to even see it coming. I had everything I ever wanted -- I don't want for much -- and I wasn't able to keep even that. I wouldn't even be here if I weren't a goddamned failure.

 

Perspective is everything, and I have it.

 

 

I know that is our love lives we failed, that's why we are all here. however you caught on and recognized what part you played in it, that's why I consider you someone to look up to around here. Most people go on and on about the other person, it must all be the other persons issues, and they never get to the core of what it is they did themselves, you did. Now if given the chance you have better odds of creating something new and better with your ex because you don't simply blame her.

 

Reading your posts and your replies to me helped me asses myself, because my ex said over and over "you're perfect, you did nothing wrong". I believed her, but thanks in part to your self discovery I have been able to look more objectively at the fact that I had become slothful in my relationship. Not the I wouldn't clean and take care of other duties, but i didn't place enough importance on maintaining the spontaneous nature of our relationship. We had busy schedules I kept telling myself "make it to May and I can start doing those things again, but I never told her that". Alas the end of all things at the end of April.