letting a long-term friend go?

[SnowFox]

I have a long-term male friend (15 years). We have always been 100% platonic on both sides- so no issues about that.

 

What I have been realizing gradually over the past 2 years is that he isn't really someone I want as a close friend any more. The best way to describe it is that I have evolved and changed and while he was a person I gravitated to 15 years ago, he just isn't the type I am drawn to now. I've changed a lot since we met all those years ago and he seems like he is pretty much the same.

 

I feel like there are some unhealthy dynamics in our friendship, in that he wants to be around when I am down or going through a hard time (and wants to be my savior), but when I am happy and things are good, he doesn't really have much to say to me and pretty much avoids me. I appreciate the support he has shown me over the years, but I now feel stifled by his personality and don't really enjoy spending time with him. I feel like we have grown apart.

 

Anyway, I turned down his last request to get together and now he is asking again. I feel weird making up excuses not to see him (he doesn't ask all that often), but I doubt I would want to tell him I don't want him as a friend any longer. I thought I could just go out with him and talk about really superficial stuff, and then he won't ask for at least a couple of months.

 

any ideas appreciated

[kevinm]

I think it's good to have friends for different reasons. Just because he's not a close friend doesn't mean he can't be a friend. There must be something there for you to stay in contact with him for 15 years.

 

-Kevin

[unnamed25]

quite the situation it seems. Have you ever tried being assertive about the situation and asking him what the deal is ? Being friends for over 15 years seems that your should be able to openly chat about the issues you are having.

[SnowFox]

unnamed and Kevin - thanks for your comments.

 

I've reflected on this some more and decided that I can shift back to more casual friends with him. We will probably go out next week. I plan to just discuss light hearted issues and joke around and have fun. I am not going to discuss my inner most feelings like I tend to do with close friends.

 

This friend of mine has a pattern of befriending people when they are down and out and needing to be a rescuer type. I was in this situation when we became friends and I see it with other people he is friends with.

 

I think its unhealthy, but he is in his 50's and seems to have no desire to change, so its not really my job to try to fix him.

 

But he is worthwhile as a casual friend especially after knowing each other all these years.