Jealousy hurting relationship, need advice

[sera_michele]

I will start with some background:

 

When i was 16 i started going to a new high-school. I am a shy girl. so it was tough for me to make friends. I met a guy named Jeremy who was new to the school as well. We kinda bonded, and have a lot in commen. We soon because very good friends. After a while our friendship turned into a relationship, and we dated until i was 18. Our relationship was nothing like our friendship...so we decided to become just friends again, and immeadeatly got along so much better.

 

After me and jeremy decided to become friends, I met my fiance, Ian. We actually had a long distance relationship for almost a year before I left my friends and family behind and moved 1500 miles away to be with him. We have been together almost 4 years and even call eachother husband and wife although we have not married.

 

I recently learned that Jeremy may be getting a job in the city i now live in, and was very excited to hear the news. I immeadetly told my husband, who completely freaked out on me. This was not the reaction i expected.

 

It has been hard for me to make friends down here, so naturally i though he would be happy that i may have a friend moving down.

 

Instead he started talking about how if jeremy moves, we will be getting out of the city as fast as possible. He says he doesnt want me to talk to jeremy about our relationship, he said that he is worried jeremy will make moves on me when i am vaurnable.

 

I dont even drink, and jeremy has so much more respect for me, and my love for ian than to do anything like that. i consider jeremy one of my best friends, and it hurts that after all i have given up for Ian to be with him he still wants me to give up my friends! It also hurts me that he seems to have no trust in me. He says it is jeremy he doesnt trust, but he should trust me to not allow anything to happen between me and my friends that would hurt my relationship with my husband.

 

How should i reslove this issue? I have tried explaining my friendship with Ian, i have tried telling him that i miss my family and friends, and am happy that one may be living near me. He wont hear it. He says no matter what Jeremy is going to cause problems...

 

I dont think it is fair i should have to give up my friends like this...what do you guys think?

[TrueHeart]

Sera-

 

First of all, shame on everyone for viewing this over 25x and not replying to a girl in need..

 

Fear not, I perhaps have a remedy... For I have been involved in the same situation, and understand it better.

 

Ian most likely feels this way because #1, he's a man... Men, by nature, are naturally competitive and possessive. I'm sure that Ian knows (before you told him Jeremy was moving) that you and Jeremy had a close relationship, dated and shared the "high-school sweetheart" phase of your life.

 

NO man likes to compete with another... Sadly, I wish I had better news for you.. Ian will not ever like Jeremy because he was part of your past. Even though you swear until you're purple in the face that Jeremy and you are the bestest of friends, he has already expressed his discontentment with the relationship and labeled Jeremy "untrustworthy"-- You can't make anyone like anyone, unfortunately.

 

I will agree that Ian is being a bit rash by telling you not to hang out with your friends.... or perhaps.. just THAT friend. The important thing to stress with Ian is that YOU love HIM... and that YOU are CHOOSING to MARRY HIM, not Jeremy. Men need CONSTANT reaffirmation that they are the dominant one of the males in your life. Again, naturally competitive.

 

I would say, try not to bring it up to Ian-- all he sees it as (the more you defend it) the more he feels his jealousy is justified...

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[vitalcoaching]

True! don't give up your friends.

 

This is about your needs. It's apart of life to have friendships. On top of that, it's super healthy for a couple to go out separately and see other people.

 

If you see only your partner, the relationships gets stucked in a "two ways only" energy cluster. It's limiting and destructive on the long run.

 

So, don't give up. Simply repeat what you want. Tell it again to your partner. He has no right to limit you on that. Control and possessivity are relationship killers. On the long term, they destroy love and life force.

 

Set up clear boundaries. There are some needs in you anyone must respect. It is your right to defend the territory of your friendships.

 

He is 100% wrong with that. If he loves you, he should definitely learn to grow beyond this

 

Good luck

 

Francisco

 

PS: feel free to get in touch directly if you need extra support or dieas with that email removed

[Spice]

Sera, sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have some tough times ahead of you. I don't know how you can convience your boyfriend that he is just a friend. That will probably be tough.

 

Is it posible that your boyfriend and your friend could become friends to each other? When you hook up with your friend invite him along and make sure he is included in the friendship.

 

This is something that I do not have experience with so I'm not sure what to tell you except that it would hurt the relationship if your boyfriend kept you from your friends.

[Francis]

Time has proven that you can live without Jeremy but that you can't live without your husband.

 

How would you react if your husband's old gf move to your city? I believe you have the duty to make your husband feel secure and reassure him.

 

You may loose your husband : this is the risk. I know, because I lost a very good friend who was very serious about me because I lived in denial.

 

I don't advice you see Jeremy without your husband, ever. If you want to see him, make sure your husband is there and make sure you show both of them who you are committed to.

 

If your husband feel jealous, then he might meet someone else. Be careful.

[slc333]

I swear this is the same basic story with almost 75% of these posts. A girl doesn't understand why their boyfriend/husband gets jealous of a former boyfriend that they want to see. In my opinion, it is never a good idea to dredge up past relationships like this. Why is Jeremy moving 1500 miles to be in the same city with you? Coincidence? Probably not.

 

You are involved in a serious relationship with Ian. Why do you need to have an ex boyfriend come back into your life? Why have you not made any new friends in your new city?

 

Sure. It may be comforting to have an old ex boyfriend come back around. But be warned. You are playing with fire here. Don't be surprised if this all comes crashing down on you in a big way.

 

I say get on with your new life with your husband and leave your old ex boyfriends behind. If Jeremy moves to town, it wouldn't hurt for you, your husband and jeremy to hang out very infrequently. But if you want your relationship with Ian to last, I'd forget about needing ex boyfriends around. That's a recipe for trouble.

 

I guess it also depends on how often you're going to want to see Jeremy. Out of respect for your relationship with Ian, Jeremy should know better than to call you all the time and want to see you all the time. He's a guy. Believe me. He knows what this is doing to your boyfriend Ian most likely.

 

If jeremy wants to hang out with BOTH of YOU every couple months, that shouldn't be a big deal. But if Jeremy is going to be your main outlet for friendship in that town, don't expect Ian, or any other guy to be okay with something like that.

 

Good luck.

[ladixbunnixx]

I need some advice too...if you guys want to help me out here...

 

My story is kinda long but thank you so much for taking time to read this!

 

My best friend and I have been best friends for seven years! (Since fourth grade) and I've always been kind of jealous of her because a lot of guys like her and she has had a lot of boyfriends, almost every month she has a new boyfriend. But there is something that I don't understand is that (don't get me wrong) I think my best friend is really pretty but the thing is is that she doesn't have any hips, and shes kinda chunky, and she has a gap between her teeth, and I'm really skinny, I have hips, and I just got my braces off a few months ago so I have perfectly straight teeth but I have never had a serious boyfriend like my best friend has. I've had boyfriends (but none were serious) my last boyfriend I had was like 2 years ago. That has always been an issue of mine, but then it hit me even worse because her and I got into a big fight about 5 months ago but now we're friends again cause we realized how much we really care about each other, but right when we became friends again she came over to spend the night and she brought her boyfriend over and they wouldn't stop making out in front of me! I felt really uncomfortable, so It's just making me feel even worse, and no only that but she has a job now and she's making all kinds of money and I feel like she likes to rub it into me, because all she does is brag about all these new clothes she has been buying and all this new jewelry and still (of course) bragging about all the guys that like her so much. Every day I found myself crying because I'm so jealous but I still want to be her best friend, because her and I have been best friends for too long to split up like that!

 

So please tell me what to do! THANKS!

 

-