Relapsed, sort of.

[incognito25]

It's been a while since I've posted on ENA.

 

Memorial day was the last time I've spoken to him (phone, email, text, etc) and it's been going very well. Two nights ago I had a random dream with him in it. I don't remember much of the dream except that we were talking, smiling, and things felt good. I woke up feeling very apprehensive that I was going to go down a dark path after I've been doing so well.

 

That day, I went into his email account, yikes I know, I really shouldn't have done that. Aside from the obvious invasion of privacy, I am asking for trouble. I haven't done this since that one post almost a month ago where I admitted going into his facebook account and finding out he lied to me. That doesn't justify that I still went into his email, but I did...](*,) What I found in his email were old letters from me, from good times when we were together and another one when we weren't together and I was asking if he could come back to me and how I still had feelings for him.

 

Finding those emails, threw me for a loop and I wondered all day what it all meant. Why does he still have those emails? What purpose does it serve for him?

 

After beginning NC after memorial day, he called me a week later and hung up after 2 calls. 2 days later he called and left a message asking how I'm doing, if I'm okay, and hoping that I would call back. That was it. I never returned his calls and maintained NC. He hasn't attempted reaching out to me again since then. I wonder now though, with the emails and just thinking back when he called and left that message, does he care? Does he still think of me? Or was it because it was out of habit to talk to me on a regular basis or he sort of cares, but not in the way that I want him to?

 

Sigh. I hate ruminating like this, but I feel like since the dream and stupidly going into his email account, I've relapsed and gone back to thinking about him a lot again and obsessing. I haven't broken NC directly, but I'm afraid I will soon if I don't find the strength and reasons again. What do you think?

[incognito25]

I just read one of my old posts and I've got to get that strength and willpower back. I can't go backwards, this is just a small bump in the road. I really should just focus harder...

 

lol I'm replying to my own posts! >_

[sunlovingme]

If you still have feelings for him, why do you go no contact for so long.. it seems that that is for moving on. That is confusing to those of us on the other side, it hurts so much to be ignored when you reach out to someone...

[incognito25]

If you still have feelings for him, why do you go no contact for so long.. it seems that that is for moving on. That is confusing to those of us on the other side, it hurts so much to be ignored when you reach out to someone...

 

A while back I wrote my break up story on ENA which explained everything. I loved him at the time and sometimes I still think I do, but he wasn't a healthy person to be with. He was posessive, abusive, emotionally unavailable, and ultimately a liar. That is why I had to go NC, to move on and heal. I tried getting back with him and he seemed to toy with the idea, but after dancing around for a while it was clear he wasn't going to come back.

 

That is why I said, does he still care or did he call me simply out of habit since we haven't talked in a week by the time he called me. Was he just not used to hearing from me and surprised that I actually went through with distancing myself? I did tell him on our last conversation back on memorial day that it just might be too painful for me to be friends with him let alone just talk to him at all. He kept sort of disregarding me, telling me that I'll be okay and that he hopes I won't go away, it's not what he really wanted. What I mean when I said he was disregarding me is, while I was telling him in a very emotional state that I still loved him and it's obvious he's not coming back, he just kept repeating things like "You'll be okay" "You'll be fine" ...as if he was alleviating his own guilt that I was that devasted over him.

 

So yeah, I know it hurts to be ignored in the sense you're speaking of, but it also hurts equally knowing that your feelings weren't/aren't reciprocated. I don't want to suffer when suffering is optional. I'm not going to keep contact with him knowing full well it's not going to lead to anything or at least the outcome I am hoping for. Thanks for opening my eyes again to why I've maintained NC.