random_angel Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Hey, just a little something something .. please tell me what you think .. i really would like some feedback. Thanks COLD HANDS with cold hands he holds your heart pulling gently, yet tearing you apart feeding his obsession with more and more lies enjoying the pain and hurt in your eyes watching all of your silent tears fall he knows you ... you obide by his call he treats you bad, because you allow it your just another victim, standing behind a coward PEACE -xo- Link to comment
neva_black_n_white Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I really liked your poem and the way you tried to tie in a rhythm with it, which worked. If I was to lay out the same poem I would have changed it to the following: with cold hands he holds your heart pulling gently.. yet tearing you apart feeding his obsession with more and more lies enjoying the pain and hurt in your eyes watching all of your silent tears fall he knows you ... you obide by his call he treats you bad, because you allow it! your just another victim, standing behind a coward! Id also in some way emphasise enjoying on line 3 of your or four of the change, and just on the last line because it shows how one that they aren't alone but two they can strike back to it, as you put how they are standing behind a coward, its just someone who can hurt because you are weaker or have given in. I really liked it though you could pull out so many conclusions or situations from it. Kel Link to comment
random_angel Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 hey thanks, some really good advice there .... i was thinking of concluding it, as it is written on an experiance, but i decided not to. I thought id leave the reader with something to think about .. to conclude for themselves. I think its interesting to see how different people perceive my poems. SO apart from anymore feedback .. does anyone want to share what they thought the poem was about ---- what the story line behind it was? PEACE -xo- Link to comment
benchwarmer Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I enjoyed it very much. I liked the openness of it. It could apply to a specific person or the devil or even yourself. The only comment I have is that the picture you have created is not consistent. If his hands are pulling at your heart, then you can't be standing behind him. Maybe that could be changed to "kneeling before" him? Of course, the most important opinion is yours. And the main point to poetry is to express yourself; and you did that well. Thanks for sharing. Link to comment
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