Is it right to make her choose?

[jazzman]

I'm in the middle of a somewhat difficult situation and I could really use some advice. First, let me explain that I've never really had much luck as far as "finding the right one" goes. I've dated here and there, probably less that you'd expect for someone out of college and what not. I had a really terrible relationship last year, and if anything came out of that it was that I stand up for myself and voice my opinions a little more instead of just going with my partner's wishes all of the time.

 

Anyway, a few months back I went out with a friend of a friend and since then we've been dating exclusively and seriously. She's great and I can't imagine my life without her. She usually makes me so happy that I feel like I can face anything.

 

We both came with some baggage of one kind or another. I had low self esteem and worried too much. She came from an abusive childhood and had a marijuana problem. I am 100% against marijuana. I won't get into any discussions or arguments about whether or not it's right/wrong/good/bad/etc. I believe it is bad and I've done enough research on the topic to support my belief. On top of that, the smell of it makes me sick and I can't deal with people who are "high". This girl knew that before she asked me out, and swore that if the first few dates went well and we decided to get into a relationship that she would give it up for me. To the best of my knowledge she did. In fact she only "slipped" twice in the first four months of our relationship! Seeing her give that up for me made me beyond happy.

 

To top it off we were just so in tune with each other the conversations have invariably started to turn towards our future... moving in together maybe around the end of the year, what it would be like to be engaged, etc...

 

A few weeks ago she went back home (She's from out of town) to visit her family. I went to pick her up after work and bring her home (it's about a 2 hour drive each way). When I got there I found her smoking pot. We talked about it (no fights, just talking) and she has told me before that when she's at home sometimes she has trouble facing all of the things that happened, so she smokes, but she promised me again it was the only time she'd done it recently and she was getting so much better and really trying to quit. So I suggested to her that, if she wanted a little less temptation to smoke when she gets back to her apartment, she should leave her pot pipe and lighter there. She said that was a good idea, but when I put her bags in my car I could smell the pipe in her bags. When I asked her about it she got mad and yelled at me. I had a feeling she was lying to me, but I didn't start any fights because I don't want her to think I don't trust her. She promised me she left it behind and that was what I was going on.

 

A week later I was at her place and I got up to look at a book on her desk and laying next to her desk was the pipe. When I asked her about it she lied to me and said she left it at home, and when I told her it was on her desk she got mad at me for "snooping". I was furious that she yelled. She tried the guilt thing ("you shoudl be glad that's all i lied to you about!") and the rationalization ("It's not liek it's crack or dope!") and the crying. Whenever I try to talk to her about her pot use she gets mad and yells at me and refuses to talk about it without claiming i'm acting like "a parent".

 

I told her I don't think I could ever live with someone who smokes pot, and her response was "Well then I have a year to quit... besides I don't have any money for pot now anyway!" and when I asked if that meant she'd buy if she had money she didn't answer. We ended up striking a deal where if she can go 2 months without it i'll take her to her favorite expensive restaurant, and then we'll figure something out after that. It's been a week since then so far I believe she's been clean. However, her friends from her hometown are coming to visit her in a few weeks and her friend always asks her to smoke with her. She says that won't happen cause they'll be in a hotel room, but I have a really bad feeling that her friend will offer her some pot and she'll smoke it. Even worse I have a feeling she won't tell me.

 

I hate this! I love her to death and everyone I talk to is telling me that my options are to deal with it or leave now because if she lied to me once she's probalby done it before and she probalby will just keep doing it behind my back. But this is the first girl i've ever thought about living with and ever marrying and spending my life with. I'm not a teenager, i'm 26, and I'm pretty successful. I've got a great job with good money, etc. I'm ready to start finding a life and family of my own. I know for a fact I cannot live with/marry someone who does pot. I'm that against it! It's the only thing I"ve ever asked of her, and her lies really hurt.

 

I don't want to just turn and walk away, and I can't live with the pot use, but I"m afraid if I tell her "me or the pot" it's going to make her choose the pot.

 

HELP!

[Sentohottie]

It sounds like you honestly sincerely love her. That is right where you need to be. I don't know if this is what you did while in these fights, but make sure to repeat that you love her over and over.

 

I have never done drugs, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if she is addicted, that she will find the money to get more...even if she says she doesn't have the money.

 

Maybe you can find out WHY she is doing this. If it really is stress then try to figure out where the stress is coming from. Smoking anything at all is hazardous!! Something you can easily get some information to show her what she is doing to her body. Don't make this about you, but about her. Show her that you only love her. But what she is doing is ruining her future. As a best friend, that is part of your job.

[bzborow1]

I think you've already done enough for her. You've reasoned with her, that didn't work. You bribed her (dinner), and that's not going to work. I know you're trying to be the nice guy. I know that you have feelings for her. But if you learned from your previous relationships, you should have learned that it's not your job to raise somebody...it's your job to be with somebody. And it sounds to me like you are trying to raise her.

 

Bottom line. It's not your problem, and if she can't stop it...that would tell me all i need to know. If she wants to be with you in a serious manner (ie. marriage), there should be no question....the pot is gone. I don't think you should reason with her anymore....i think now's the time to stand up for your beliefs and you may have to let her go if she can't meet your standards.

[jazzman]

I do love her and I always make sure she knows. I tell her all the time, whether we're arguing or not, and I told her while we fought about this that I love her.

 

She's had it rough lately. She's been really sick. She had E.Coli a few months ago and it is causing a lot of stomach/digestion problems for her. Her roommates are whack jobs (one of them thinks that because his great great great great grandfather's second cousin lived in norway for a few years that he's a viking and made up some "norse religion" that he and his gf practice... his gf is convinced the stray cats in the neighborhood are the gods coming to check on them) but she can't afford to move out yet (that's why we're talking about getting out own place in a year when her lease is up. She'll be just about done school and i'll be better settled financially).

 

When she's sober for a week or more she clearly understands why it's bad and even says she hates when she's high. But if a friend offers her some she'll do it because she is afraid the friend will be mad at her. She has low self esteem. In the 5 months we've been dating she still doesn't know how to handle it when I say she's beautiful (which I do 10 to 12 times per conversation ) In fact we just spoke on the phone and she keeps saying how lucky she feels to have me love her the way I do, so I know she knows that I love her (by actions if not by words. she always comments on how much I do for her).

 

It's just that moment of temptation where she can't/won't say no. And once she smokes she has a million excuses for it. And a full sober week later she's sayin how bad it is for her and how she wants to quit. I tried to help her not be around it so much, but I can't do that 100% of the time and when she is around it I am afraid she won't be able to say no.

 

I can't give up on her (it would crush her and I really wouldn't know what to do without her) but it's going to be either me or the pot. I'm willing to go to bat and fight for/with her (i offered her a $120 dinner as a reward for 2 months clean AFTER she lied to me about it!) but I'm afraid if I make that ultimatum to her she'll pick the pot over me.

 

I really appreciate your advice. Thanks

[Sentohottie]

Would it be fair to ask for a comprimise. When she falls to her weakness, she probably goes through a huge guilt trip. Maybe when you catch her, she can agree not to get mad at you, because you only care for her at that point. At that point, talk over it some more. Try to figure out what would help her be more strong in resisting it. Would she be willing to talk to a counselor of some sort? I mean...this is affecting her physical body!! Its not something to just let go if you care! And that is exactly what you are doing.

 

I'm sorry if this isn't helping, I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes and think of what would help me.

[jazzman]

That's an idea. I always try to talk to her about it, not yell or get upset. I don't want to yell or fight. I don't deal well with conflict like that.

 

When I ask her how I can help her quit she tells me i can't, there's nothing I can do, but I feel more like she's just trying to get me off of her back. That's why I suggested she leave her pipe at home. I thought if it wasn't around it would be harder for her to smoke in the first place and might give her time to think about it before she just does it.

 

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "Its not something to just let go if you care! And that is exactly what you are doing. " Do you think I'm just letting go? I'm confused.

 

I just worry because I won't let someone lie to me and treat me like I'm 2nd best, especially when 1st best would go to a drug! My last relationship ended badly because I let the girl lie to me for a long time before I finally ended it. I want to help my girlfriend if she really wants to quit, but when she lies I wonder if she really wants to.

 

It is helping, I just have so many questions about how to handle it. I';m afraid i'll lose her to pot

[Xandra]

Just out of curiosity ... do you drink occasionally? I've done quite a bit of both, enough to know that marijuanna really is not as bad as people make it out to be. The reason that alcohol isn't as scrutinized is because it is socially acceptable and taxed by the government. It is a controlled substance and makes the government a LOT of money. I have seen alcohol ruin more lives, hurt and kill more people, cause more problems financially and to your mind and body than marijuanna ever will. I don't personally like the affects of smoking dope, mostly because it makes me paranoid and hungry.

 

You are NOT second best to a drug. She doesn't do it to spite you. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care as much about you or that she cares more about smoking pot. This is something that she has always done, and to be honest with you, it doesn't sound like she wants to stop. What's the big deal? It's not a destructive drug at all, and I can speak from personal experience that having a puff of a joint every now and then really isn't going to ruin what you have with her. If you can learn to understand that she likes to catch a buzz every now and then, she'll probably feel a lot more like your soul mate than a little kid who has to hide things (not that you make her feel that way, I understand your concern).

[jazzman]

Well I really didn't want to get into this, and I don't mean to sound like I'm yelling/arguing with/at you, so don't take it that way at all, but here goes.

 

I do not drink. I do not smoke, I do not do drugs, and I am not promiscuous (in fact if you must know this girl is the ONLY girl i ever slept with. Yep, I was a virgin until i was 26 and i'm proud of myself for having the control and foresight to wait until *I* was ready for it to happen with someone i really did love and won't ever regret doing it with). I keep myself in good shape, mentally and physically, because it is my belief that to get the most out of life you have to be ready for it. That's just me. I'm not saying people can't think differently, and I'm certainly able to be with someone who does think differently, but this is something i will not bend on and I'll tell you why.

 

You say "marijuanna really is not as bad as people make it out to be." I say try having a conversation with someone stoned off their rear when you're trying to be intelligent. Try telling/showing someone you love them when all they do is giggle and stare at the ceiling in return. Try kissing someone when the smell/taste of the drug they just used makes you so sick you want to vomit. Try being there for someone who is constantly broke and needs to try and borrow money from you to pay the rent because they spent a good amount of their money on pot. Try sitting down and watching a movie with someone who is paranoid and can't differentiate the movie from real life.

 

You say "I have seen alcohol ruin more lives, hurt and kill more people, cause more problems financially and to your mind and body than marijuanna ever will." Then I say you aren't looking hard enough. Smoking anything is bad for your lungs. Yep, my grandfather died of smoking related issues and I watched him lay in a hospital bed on a resperator for a month before his lungs gave up. Now add to that the "side effects" of marijuana. Addiction, short term memory loss, alteration of brain/body chemistry, lower resistance to infection/illness, slowed motor skills, etc. Yeah, I've done the research and i've seen what it can do.

 

You ask "What's the big deal? It's not a destructive drug at all." Are you serious? She wants to get married. That means kids. Do you think I want to have to raise my kids and tell them that mommy isn't here anymore because her lungs were bad from smoking, or that she got high and went for walk and something terrible happened to her because she wasn't paying attention while stoned?! Do you think I want to have to worry about getting a call to pick her up at a hospital/police station/etc???

 

You also say "If you can learn to understand that she likes to catch a buzz every now and then, she'll probably feel a lot more like your soul mate than a little kid who has to hide things (not that you make her feel that way, I understand your concern)." YOu know this is the single most common thing I hear from people who use drugs along with "well it's not THAT bad of a drug". Guess what, when I wanna catch a buzz I play roller hockey, or I play guitar, or I do something useful and constructive. Why do I have to accept a mind altering substance being put into her body to make her my soul mate?! Why do I need to accept her harming herself (and slice it how you like, she is harming herself) in order to be in a successful, happy relationship? And here's something (And maybe this is selfish), but lets say she gets caught with pot on her and I'm around. Guess who gets a ride to the police station with her? You think I want everything I worked for to be put in danger for a bag of shredded plant leaves?! Is that fair of her to do to me?! Do I have to worry about her using my money to go buy drugs?!

 

Do I have very high standards for people in my life? Sure, I'll agree to that. Why? Because if I can do it why can't other people? I can accept that she may have a problem with drugs, and I'm willing to help her through it if she wants to quit as she says she does. But when she lies that's not a good sign. When she does things behind my back and lies to my face about them and then gets mad at me for finding out, that IS a putting me 2nd to drugs.

 

If someone can't quit or doesn't want to, that's their business, fine, I'm ok with that. But the issue here is that from the very start of our relationship she KNEW that was the one thing I cannot live with/around. I love her more than anything in the world and because I love her it's my responsibility to tell her when she's doing herself harm. Am I supposed to just stand by and watch her hurt herself? What kind of a boyfriend would I be then?

 

No I don't have to just accept that she likes to get high now and then, especially when she lies to me about it. That tells me there's something more serious going on here. If she's completely unwilling to give up pot then that's her business, but that doesn't mean I have to like it and if she knows from the start that it's me or pot and she keeps smoking pot then choosing pot over me is EXACTLY what she's doing.

 

I'm trying to help her, and I just don't know how to do it without losing her. Sugarcoating it and claiming it's "not that bad" or "something i need to accept" would be like turning a blind eye to it and I love her too much for that. If she truly wants the same things in life that I do then she has to take steps to help get us there, not just rely on me to do it while she gets high.

 

I'm sorry if I'm yelling/ranting and I certainly don't mean to target you, but you touched a nerve and I'm tired of people defending this "harmless drug" because if it was so harmless it wouldn't have all of the side effects (and yes some ARE permanent) that it does. If it works for you, great, but it doesn't work for me, especially when it may end up costing me the one girl i thought was really the one who would be my forever. If that's worth less than a bag of weed then hey, what do I know

[jazzman]

Well I really didn't want to get into this, and I don't mean to sound like I'm yelling/arguing with/at you, so don't take it that way at all, but here goes.

 

I do not drink. I do not smoke, I do not do drugs, and I am not promiscuous (in fact if you must know this girl is the ONLY girl i ever slept with. Yep, I was a virgin until i was 26 and i'm proud of myself for having the control and foresight to wait until *I* was ready for it to happen with someone i really did love and won't ever regret doing it with). I keep myself in good shape, mentally and physically, because it is my belief that to get the most out of life you have to be ready for it. That's just me. I'm not saying people can't think differently, and I'm certainly able to be with someone who does think differently, but this is something i will not bend on and I'll tell you why.

 

You say "marijuanna really is not as bad as people make it out to be." I say try having a conversation with someone stoned off their rear when you're trying to be intelligent. Try telling/showing someone you love them when all they do is giggle and stare at the ceiling in return. Try kissing someone when the smell/taste of the drug they just used makes you so sick you want to vomit. Try being there for someone who is constantly broke and needs to try and borrow money from you to pay the rent because they spent a good amount of their money on pot. Try sitting down and watching a movie with someone who is paranoid and can't differentiate the movie from real life.

 

You say "I have seen alcohol ruin more lives, hurt and kill more people, cause more problems financially and to your mind and body than marijuanna ever will." Then I say you aren't looking hard enough. Smoking anything is bad for your lungs. Yep, my grandfather died of smoking related issues and I watched him lay in a hospital bed on a resperator for a month before his lungs gave up. Now add to that the "side effects" of marijuana. Addiction, short term memory loss, alteration of brain/body chemistry, lower resistance to infection/illness, slowed motor skills, etc. Yeah, I've done the research and i've seen what it can do.

 

You ask "What's the big deal? It's not a destructive drug at all." Are you serious? She wants to get married. That means kids. Do you think I want to have to raise my kids and tell them that mommy isn't here anymore because her lungs were bad from smoking, or that she got high and went for walk and something terrible happened to her because she wasn't paying attention while stoned?! Do you think I want to have to worry about getting a call to pick her up at a hospital/police station/etc???

 

You also say "If you can learn to understand that she likes to catch a buzz every now and then, she'll probably feel a lot more like your soul mate than a little kid who has to hide things (not that you make her feel that way, I understand your concern)." YOu know this is the single most common thing I hear from people who use drugs along with "well it's not THAT bad of a drug". Guess what, when I wanna catch a buzz I play roller hockey, or I play guitar, or I do something useful and constructive. Why do I have to accept a mind altering substance being put into her body to make her my soul mate?! Why do I need to accept her harming herself (and slice it how you like, she is harming herself) in order to be in a successful, happy relationship? And here's something (And maybe this is selfish), but lets say she gets caught with pot on her and I'm around. Guess who gets a ride to the police station with her? You think I want everything I worked for to be put in danger for a bag of shredded plant leaves?! Is that fair of her to do to me?! Do I have to worry about her using my money to go buy drugs?!

 

Do I have very high standards for people in my life? Sure, I'll agree to that. Why? Because if I can do it why can't other people? I can accept that she may have a problem with drugs, and I'm willing to help her through it if she wants to quit as she says she does. But when she lies that's not a good sign. When she does things behind my back and lies to my face about them and then gets mad at me for finding out, that IS a putting me 2nd to drugs.

 

If someone can't quit or doesn't want to, that's their business, fine, I'm ok with that. But the issue here is that from the very start of our relationship she KNEW that was the one thing I cannot live with/around. I love her more than anything in the world and because I love her it's my responsibility to tell her when she's doing herself harm. Am I supposed to just stand by and watch her hurt herself? What kind of a boyfriend would I be then?

 

No I don't have to just accept that she likes to get high now and then, especially when she lies to me about it. That tells me there's something more serious going on here. If she's completely unwilling to give up pot then that's her business, but that doesn't mean I have to like it and if she knows from the start that it's me or pot and she keeps smoking pot then choosing pot over me is EXACTLY what she's doing.

 

I'm trying to help her, and I just don't know how to do it without losing her. Sugarcoating it and claiming it's "not that bad" or "something i need to accept" would be like turning a blind eye to it and I love her too much for that. If she truly wants the same things in life that I do then she has to take steps to help get us there, not just rely on me to do it while she gets high.

 

I'm sorry if I'm yelling/ranting and I certainly don't mean to target you, but you touched a nerve and I'm tired of people defending this "harmless drug" because if it was so harmless it wouldn't have all of the side effects (and yes some ARE permanent) that it does. If it works for you, great, but it doesn't work for me, especially when it may end up costing me the one girl i thought was really the one who would be my forever. If that's worth less than a bag of weed then hey, what do I know

[jazzman]

I just wanted to clarify a few things from my last post. I was a little worked up and I may have come off a little aggressive.

 

I don't want to sound like I'm trying to force her to change into my idea of a perfect girlfriend. I love everything about her... except that. And I've done everythign she ever asked of me and all i've ever asked for in return was this one thing. And she swore she'd give it to me and when she lies about that I feel used.

 

I don't want to change her as a person. Her being her is why I love her! If she really wants to quit as she says she does then I want to help her but when I try she shuts me out and gets mad and lies to me about it.

 

All I'm trying to do is find a way to resolve this that keeps us together so we can live out of plans of forever. I just want us both to be happy

[Nifty_Swifty1]

If it really isn't somethign you can live with (I wouldn't be able to live with it), then saying that she needs to quit or you can't continue with the relationship isn't uncalled for. If you can't live with it and she won't stop then there isn't any point in continuing. One of the points I hear every time from those who think pot should be legalised is that it isn't adictive, so there isn't any reasion for her not to stop other than the fact that she dosn't wan't to. At the moment she dosn't want to. This isn't anythign unreasionable for you to ask her to do.

 

I don't think she's really going to quit for you, so you have do deside how to deal with things from here.

[jazzman]

If it really isn't somethign you can live with (I wouldn't be able to live with it), then saying that she needs to quit or you can't continue with the relationship isn't uncalled for. If you can't live with it and she won't stop then there isn't any point in continuing. One of the points I hear every time from those who think pot should be legalised is that it isn't adictive, so there isn't any reasion for her not to stop other than the fact that she dosn't wan't to. At the moment she dosn't want to. This isn't anythign unreasionable for you to ask her to do.

 

I don't think she's really going to quit for you, so you have do deside how to deal with things from here.

 

I agree with every point you make about pot. Your comment that she isn't going to quit is what i'm most afraid of...

[Nifty_Swifty1]

From what you have told us everything says she isn't going to. I don't know all the details, but I wouldn't put too much hope into her quitting... at least without a little more motivation. If you find that to be saying that if you find out that she smokes it again you wont be able to continue the relationship, then that's what it has to be and you can't just let it be an idle threat. It looks to me that is you best chance. She'll get angry, but she'll ether deal with it or decide that you aren't worth it. If it were me I would like to know what this woman thought I was worth before I got married anyway.

[Ambiguous]

I was relieved in a way to find that I was not the only one going through this. I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years and have been dealing with the "marijuana addiction" and excuses from my boyfriend for way too long. He has told me too many times that he is going to quit, and each time there is hope that he will.

 

Unfortunately, he hasn't. I can read him so well. I know his patterns. I know when he's high, or when he's smoked just by talking to him. His whole demeanor says it all. We fight about it all the time. He immediately gets defensive and turns the fight around. He starts making excuses for why he does it, he's stressed...etc.. etc. Well I'm stressed too and I've been paying the rent, all my bills, the utilities, his car payment, my tuition, etc. He's had several jobs but lost almost everyone of them because he failed the drug test.

 

Am I an idiot or what? Trust me I never thought I'd be in this situation. If a stranger met me, they'd have no idea why I'd put up with this crap. I didn't come from a broken home. I don't do drugs, there's nothing physically or mentally dissatisfying about me (not to sound overly confident). But I don't get it. It's almost like I'm determined to make this relationship work. I am definitely not a quitter.

 

So anyways, in response to jazzman. I completely understand and agree with you. I am SOOO TIRED of people saying that marijuana is not addicting. IT IS! I've seen my boyfriend and several friends give up everything just to get HIGH! For What? I have tried it and I have no desire to do it again. Speaking from a logical point of view - if there is something in your life that disrupts your everyday living: (Loss of relationship, job, money, goals, drive, ambition) and it is something like weed, why not quit?? Look how much you can gain by stopping this one thing. Why NOT QUIT? Because it's addicting. And for all you people who think that it's not. Try to stop smoking it. Sit in a room or a car or wherever with your friends who are smoking and see if you can just say NO! You are in denial if you say that it's just an herb.. It's "natural" it has medicinal benefits (yeah maybe if you're already dying from cancer or something- not to sound unsympathetic for those who are)... I am just so sick and tired of people acting like it's the GREATEST thing ever. It's not.

 

You know what I think is great? Being able to be happy with your life without any mind altering substances. When you can do that, then you're happy. For those of you who have problems (We all have some sort of problems) GET HELP. Seek advice from good role models, people who have been there, done that and have got through it. Trust me. Turning to weed to cure your problems will only make things worse. Look at me. I would do anything for my boyfriend, but he chooses to get high and lose out on how beautiful life can be. Look at "jazzman" and his girlfriend- she's willing to lose him because she doesn't think she has a problem.

 

When you are surrounded by people who smoke with you, you think it's OK, it's COOL, they do it so why can't I? But those people or so-called friends have problems too. You guys have a distorted reality. And it's sad, because one day you're going to wake up and ask yourself "where did my life go"??? "Where did those people who really cared go"? "Why am I alone and so unhappy"? Hopefully you'll ask those questions before it's too late. I don't know if my boyfriend ever will. But I know that I must do what's best for me, and his lifestyle just sucks the happiness right out.

 

Sorry this is so long. This is my first post and I had a lot to unload. My boyfriend never listens... hopefully someone will be positively affected by this.

[jazzman]

Ambiguous,

 

Thanks for the words of support. I completely agree. I've tried just about everythign with my girlfriend, and now I finally hit the point thwere i've got nothing else to lose and so I'm trying an approach my friend said worked for him when he wanted his gf to quit smoking cigaretts and occasionally pot.

 

Basically I sat her down and told her point blank what I don't like and why i don't like it. I told her if she can't quit, she loses me. That means no engagement, no apartment, no marriage, no life together, no ME. Then I told her I wasn't going to nag her again. I wasn't going to ask about it, I wasn't going to talk about it, etc... If she REALLY wants to quit she will. If she isn't going to, she loses me. End of story. Since that point she's been much more relaxed around me and the other day she smoked for the first time in 3 weeks and guess what she did as soon as she was done. She came to appologize and beg me to forgive her and not leave. She's been much more open and trusting of me and honest with me since then, and she's really appearing to show that she's serious about quitting. I know it won't happen overnight, I'm just trying to be patient and let her quit for her. If she can't, then she knows I'm leaving.

 

Thanks for the support though. You have no idea how good it feels to know other people agree with me. I'm just so fed up with "oh it's not so bad". IF it's not so bad, why is it illegal? why does it alter your mind?

 

Thanks again and good luck with your boyfriend. Be firm. Hopefully it will work out for both of us

[dudesy2260]

Dear Jazzman;

 

First of all, I would like to say that I really appreciate your whole attitude toward marijuana, your love for your girlfriend, and your unwillingness to relent the fact that you hate the drug.

You are very right in looking to the future when you consider the addiction your girlfriend has now. My mother is not addicted to marijuana, but she is an alcoholic. I love my mother very much, but what I don't love is the drunk side of her. You do not want to emotionally scar your children, or yourself, for that matter, by accepting this behavior, as I know you are well aware of. I see that you have already had a talk with your girlfriend about it, and she seems to love you in return, having apologized to you for slipping when she was trying to stay clean. I know that you must be a man of great patience. Let me encourage you to show your girlfriend as much patience as possible. As any drug will, marijuana has toyed with your girlfriend's very being. The drug entices you, confuses you, and then traps you. Your girlfriend is probably going to feel pretty frustraited, and when she makes a mistake she may want to keep it from you, for the sake of not hurting you, or losing you. But assure her that you are with her in this. Assure her that she is not fighting this alone. Ask her to tell you every time that she does it, that you want to keep the lines of communication open. If there are no secrets, then there are no lies. If there are no lies, then the foundation of trust will not ever be broken or need to be mended. Please make her see that you are doing this not only so that you don't marry into it, but because you love her so much. If you make her understand that you want to be her cruch rather than a drug, then she will feel a lot more able to give up her addiction.

I hope this all made sense. I'm not very old, so my advice may not be very usefull to someone 9 years older than myself. Just hoping to be helpful in some way in someone's life.

[jazzman]

Thanks,

 

It's tough because I know she would rather just have us both (me and the pot) and until she's over the pot, she's going to resent me at some level for making her choose.

 

We've worked out a new approach, though. My friend Ron, who went through a similar thing with his gf, suggested I try this way and so I am. Basically I sat my girlfriend down and told her in no uncertain terms what was going on. I don't like pot, I won't live with it, I won't marry into it. I won't have kids with someone doing it, and a long term relationship is right out of the question. I told her how much i loved her and how i'd be willing to give her everything, but that I see pot as standing in the way of that. I told her that until she gives it up we can't talk about living together or getting engaged or anything. Then I told her now that we know exactly where I stand on it, I"m going to not bring it up again. If she really wants to quit, she has to do it on her own terms, and she agreed that she feels that way. So I told her I'm always there to support her, and I will always love her, and that I"m willing to let her quit on her own terms. I will trust her if she says she isn't smoking, I will trust her if she smokes and tells me she didn't, even if I know she did. I want us to trust each other and not have any reason to lie. Then, if she quits, everything works out, and if she can't... well then we'll both be pretty sad about how things worked out. Anyway, It's only been 3 weeks or so and that's the approach we're taking. So far she's voluntarily come to me to tell me she "slipped" twice, but that those were the only times. If those were the only times, she's already doing better. Before I met her she was smoking twice a DAY, so twice in 3 weeks is a big improvement, and as long as she continues to make improvement I think we're ok.

 

I'm curious to know what everyone thinks of this approach.

 

Thanks again for all of the help and support, guys. You're a great bunch!

[alex_c]

Hey Jazzman,

I didn't think any other guy would be in the same situation as me. My girlfriend smokes pot too. But, she smokes at least 5 times a day. The similarities between the particulars of both relationships is interesting. She also was abused, and blames it on that. Honestly, I don't think she can even remember why she smokes anymore. She's gone sober for 3 days at most during our relationship of 8 months. I feel the same way you do about her, and I also feel exactly the same way you do about POT. I think it's terrible for her health, her mind, and for our future.

I tried the "pot or me" proposition, and that worked for 3 days. I really love this girl and I don't want to lose her to pot. Our situations are slightly different because my girl is really addicted. I hope your girl gets better before her addiction degenerates into the one my girl has. I think I'm a lost case. But good luck with you.

If anyone has any suggestions, please, i'm all ears.

[valerod]

I just want to share my problem with u guys sot u think that you are not the only ones.

 

My gf smokes it too, not too often, but she does it enough to make me think and worry. At first I could deal with it, because we were not so deep into each other. But now that we spend more time together I am beggiening to think about us more seriously, and if I think seriously about a girl I don't want this for my life. At the same time (and this is for all of us) I should have thought that before we got so deep.

 

I know what it does because I've tried it before; if you get to like it, it slows your life down, your goals, it gets you tired, hungry, and in my case it made me feel stupid, or like a fool (and thats why I quit). When you are high, everithing you feel is confused and many times false, because you are under the influence of a drug, not under the influence of your sole brain. It is not physically adictive, but as I said, if you liked it that's all you need to forget about your past goals. That is because the only thing that is cool for you is pot(and if you still have a goal pot is with it). I think one of the reasons people get mentally adictive is because when they are high they think life is always good, colorful, and fun, and they dont realize that what they feel at the time is not real(however, it is so real in their minds).

 

So, the "unreal" life is what worries me. I want a beautiful real life for me and for her. Now, when my girlfriend talks to me I dont know if she is high or not (exept when she does not use visine), I dont know if I am sacaring her, or what is so funny. Because what's funny for her it is just for her and nobody else. When she says she loves me I want to know that she is not confused about it. And what jazz says its true, if you thing about the future with that person, you dont want that to be affecting your relationship (because sooner or later it will), your children, or having legal problems for a stupid thing like that.

 

The day I got more scared about it was when she showed me a really big amount of pot, and she told me a friend gave it to her. So I though she did it occasionally, but with the amout she had on her hands she could be high every day for a whole month. I got really mad at myself for being with her, and at her for putting herself in danger having that big amount of it (that is the day I really began thinking about being with someone that smokes pot). So, we broke up, but she cried, and chased me until I heard what she had to say. She told me it was not that important in her life and that she would give it up for me. I told her I did not want to change her, that if she wants it, it is fine, but not with me. Finally, she convinced me. It is been a month since that happened. I know she has donne it sometimes, but I am afraid to bring that theme up again. Yesterday, I found in her car some pot, and that makes me mad, and I am very confused about what I am gonna do, because I love her. She is going to get mad at me for sneeking into her car, but I had to know if she was doing it again.

 

So guys, I think there is thousands in our situation. I really think if somebody quits, its not for her boyfriend or his gf, it is because they see the reality and the danger in their lifes. And when they learn to love themselves, they are going to love us and then do something for us.