HELP! What To Do With Her !!??!!

[cherryfreak198]

This is going to be long. Sorry in advance.

 

 

OK for starters i will give a background on who i am and who she is and go from there. I really don;t know where else to turn , I need people to bounce thoughts off of. K thanks

 

Her: we will call her Bella. shes 20 right now. She has grown up in a difficult life. She is ridiculously smart, I mean MENSA , Summa Cum Laude. Anyways She got kicked out of her house when she was 17. Dropped out of HS Went back, got her GED and went to College, she graduated with a 4.0 in college at the age of 20. She is wiser beyond her years, smarter than I. She was with a guy we will call him Dan. its her best friend and love all rolled into one - they were together for most of her teens at around 17 If I remember. In August of 08 she broke up with him because he was an Alcoholic. Fast forward to last October of 08. I meet her.

 

Me - 26 f lesbian. Im a psych major, almost as smart as her, but she beats me on book smarts, I beat her on street smarts and i guess life in general. Normally I dont date women who are younger than me, but she carries herself much much older, hell sometimes I think she is older than me. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from college.

 

The situation : I met Bella in October, she was just then starting to date again. I should mention she has a very different view of relationships, and the defining factors of what a GF is and a friend is. I think the line merges way too much with her, Thus one issue a distinction would be nice. - more on that later. So I meet her in October when she starts dating again. It is going well, she and I had many dates. Something I should mention -- we have not have had sex or anything oral, just kissing and some sexual things but thats about it - please not. I and her are both fine with this factoid - thats not an issue. OK fast forward to January. I am feeling like I am not more than a friend to her, yet she tells me I am, She tells me she likes me, she calls me "babe" or sweetie ect. as apposed to calling me by my real name which what is was like in the beginning back in Oct. She has told me countless times she likes me but is afraid of getting into a relationship ( dan was a douche) I explained I am perfectly fine with not wanting her to jump into anything too quickly, and frankly neither did I at the time, Ive been burned too much, so we were both OK where we were - or so I thought.

 

She gets into an " open relationship" with another girl - come to find out its not really a relationship at all - ( again weird views on what a gf or even a bf should be like ) - i blame Dan. Anyways. I tell her a lot of what Im thinking ( we are still in mid Jan ) she then tells me that she is missing her EX bf Dan. I dont think i could have said it more clear that it wasnt a good idea for her to get back with him . she says " he got better ., going to AA and whatever " Again.... i don't think I could have been more clear about this.- but what could I do at this point, fighting with the girl I like, and who likes me - she is just really scared about committing to someone new and scared of the " new " with someone else. so.. she reverts back to what was usual and what she was used to. I then need some time to deal with this myself. Im kinda hurt about this.

 

Well , hate to say I told ya so ... but one night she calls me in tears. Apparently dan isnt just an alcoholic, he has whats called Alcoholic psychosis - meaning he gets a tad psychotic when he drinks. he chases her around her apt with a knife.... end of story - she calls me in tears apologizing a lot. now keep in mind. I am still hurt , but if I have ever felt like this is " the one " I dont know what is. I like her . Its fair to say I like her a lot. I think she thinks I like her more than I actually do, because this time Im playing devils advocate a lot ( I dont want to do this ) more on this later.

Here we are present day. I like this girl and we are back at the very beginning again. This is the time frame from August of 08 up til October of 08 when I met her.... only this time. Im seeing it from the very beginning of that time frame. This is hard for me because I really dont know what to do, or how to help, or what . Let me be clear when I say giving her all the time in the world isnt my issue. Im ok with that . My fear is after giving her all the time in the world, will it lead to something ? She says shes not looking to date anyone right now -- again understandable , but the connection between her is like we are dating,. she kisses me sometimes and its sensuous too. Im letting her take the reins on this, Im not expecting anything from her, and all the romantic actions are coming from her, I dont want them to come from me for a few reasons.. I dont want her to feel rushed, I dont want to get hurt again.

I dont want to wake up one day and have her be like... K thanks for helping me through this - byes. I don't think she would . im just really afraid of being hurt again. She told me a month or so ago that she wants to find someone that she doesn't care about and have some fun. just fun, no strings attached fun and not get into anything serious. she says - that if she were to date me again., it would lead to something serious-- not that she is apposed to that .. its not what she wants right now.

How do I know it will be what she wants when she is ready to date again ( me included )

 

I like this girl. In the time that we were apart, I went on dates, even when we were dating each other, i did then too. Im not about throwing all my eggs in one basket. no one adds up to her. I am playing devils advovcate a lot with her and I don't want to do that with her, I dont want to have to feel like i have to think into what she is saying, its never been like that before - is this what she is like when she was dealing with dans breakup last august ? I don't know - I wasn't around yet.

 

Ok I'm done ranting. i need thoughts just throw them out. makes sense or not.. I need a proverbial white board of thoughts. You all don't know me, nor do you know her, so you will al be objective - please no rude comments. i can deal with constructive, but really rude is just not needed Thanks

[gidget1]

I think that both these times she's come back to you it's just been inconvenient, or perhaps she just doesn't want a relationship with you but cannot break your heart, and likes the comfortable-ness of it.

She says she thinks you and her will have a "serious" relationship, she wants you but isn't ready to settle down, and you'll only want a serious relationship? In my experience, this only brings pain.

I think it's pretty difficult for you to make a decision, I wouldn't stick around but I guess that's coming from an outsider's opinion.

I hope you sort this out.

[cherryfreak198]

Yea, i should mention Im not looking to marry this girl - who knows right ? As far as serious relationships go, its not the only outcome, besides those take time anyways. Prolly should have mentioned that lol As far as breaking my heart, I called her out on that actually. thats when she told me about not wanting to get into anything with me because she knows it will go somewhere serious and thats not what she wants right now ( understandable ) Thanks for your thoughts

[ohchristina]

im sorry if this sounds mean or cruel, but to me it sounds like she goes to you when she wants to have fun. if she doesnt act serious with you, then you cant take her seriously.