He keeps asking if I still love him

[sayer7]

Well it's a weird problem but the guy I've been with for over a year and a half keeps asking me if I still love him to the point where I'm starting to doubt if he actually loves me as much as I love him.

 

I try to show him I love him every day by doing little things like cleaning his house, buying his groceries, making sure I'm home when he gets home, trying to spend as much time with him as possible, making sure I'm around when he needs the plumber to fix something and he can't be there to supervise.

 

He keeps asking me if I still love him, or states "You don't love me anymore" if I cringe and hold his face away from my skin when we're cuddling because he deliberately rubs his 8 o'clock shadow of a beard against my skin making it raw. Or if I get angry at him for getting too drunk on the weekend and behaving irresponsibly and force him to let me be the designated driver. Or I get mad at him because he always 'forgets' to introduce me to people he knows when we bump into them at the grocery store and ignores my presense. Or I get mad that he blows me off for the first 15 minutes after he arrives home from work, or tries to start an argument- rather than stopping a moment to just say hello and give me a kiss. Or I get worried because we only have sex once every 2 months and he brushes it off as "there's more to a relationship than sex."

 

I think my actions say I still love him. I've always been there for him. His actions on the other hand say differently.

 

Could the case be that HE'S the one that actually doesn't love me anymore and that's why he's asking? Am I being too available for him? I ask him if he wants more time away from each other and he always says no. What do I do?

[Nifty_Swifty1]

My first thought is that he's a romantic and you aren't appealing to that side of him. To a true romantic you being there and doing the small stuff doesn't say that you love them it says that you are merely responsible. Signs of love are those things that can get lost in the moment for most everyone else. The things that take time and creativity.

 

Here's an example from a friend of mine. He found himself thinking the same thing you are. When I told him he needed to do something creative every once and a while, the next week he set up a scavenger hunt for his girlfriend, and at the end she found him standing in the middle of a bridge in the nicest park in town with 12 long stem roses waiting to take her to there favorite place to eat. It worked wonders. Sometimes you have to get a little extravagant.

 

That was just my first impression of what may be going on.

 

God bless

[guber88]

I kinda agree with the post above however, it could just be his little way of making you feel bad so tthat you will try harder to make him happy. Why don't you try hounding him if he loves you...

[The Morrigan]

Hmm sounds like since it's been a while you've been together he might be a bit insecure with the more expressive things that tend to come out in the beginning not being so apparent.

 

Some people need to hear the words, some are content with day to day little things that show affection - if your styles are a little different, it might mean a little compromise on both sides, and a little extra communication on what you're doing that you think is showing how much you love him, and he's not SEEING. He could think he's giving you signals that he expects reciprocated that you're also not seeing - so see if you're getting your wires crossed somewhere!

[Princess777]

Greetings. I respectfully disagree that it sounds like he's a "romantic". In my opinion, it sounds to me like he probably thinks whatever he does is not good enough for you, and that you are probably on vastly different levels, intellectually and just in the overall scheme of life. You mentioned several things that he does that make you mad at him... maybe he feels like you're putting conditions on your love... he sounds like he's probably a little bewildered because he loves you just as you are but feels like maybe you expect things and behavior out of him that he cannot live up to. Of course I'm speculating, as we all are..... He probably knows that he doesn't really match what you deserve in a man and may think that inevitably you'll dump him. He sounds very insecure about your relationship to me. The sex thing is odd..... if he really loved you a lot I would think you'd be having more of that so that might be a physical problem you need to talk about with him. I think the bottom line here is that you can only expect to see more of what he has already displayed as far as behavior.... you can't change him so you either need to accept him for who he is, and live with the things that bug the crap out of you, or let him go and find someone who thinks more along the same lines as you about life and priorities. I also think it's highly unlikely that he is CAPABLE of being the person you're trying to make him be, and that's sometimes hard to deal with and is a good test of your love for him, if you'll be able to accept him for who he is. I hope I've helped some.

[Princess777]

On a side note, to help with the communication problem you're having with him, you might try the "So what I'm hearing is _________" after he says something, and encourage him to say the same. It can feel a little forced sometimes but it works wonders for communication gaps. People communicate in very different ways and this method helps open doors to understanding one another.... it has helped me a lot.

 

Just a suggestion.

[sayer7]

I appreciate all the feed-back so quickly and a lot of what some of you are saying ring a bell.

 

He has very low self-esteem. He is a naturally pessimistic, depressed, cynical, and habitually argumentative person-- just like his father. He is also very loyal, honest to the point of fault sometimes, and very down-to-earth.

 

On the other hand, he's always been available to me if I ever needed help-- like when I was in a car accident, and more recently, when I was diagnosed with tumors and had to have emergency surgery out of town. He is the type of person who would do anything for you if something like that came up. He has always been very supportive of what I do. He always says he loves me to death but the attraction and romance has been missing for many months. I feel like we're trapped in a rut-- which I try my best to get out of, but he seems to do his best to stay in. Now I feel guilty for spending so much time with him because I have doubts he truly wants a gf/bf relationship and I feel obtrusive in his life.

 

I've done the romantic notes on the wind-shield for him to read on his way to work during the week and weekend, tried to set up personal romantic dates on Saturday evenings but of course I find out he's already made plans for us to hang out with his friends for the night. I've also done the random "Just to say I love you" emails during the week which he doesn't respond to. His lack of response in terms of the emails never bothered me until I found out he sends and receives emails to his other friends throughout the day, every day... and still some how manages to 'forget' or is 'too busy' to respond to mine.

 

I've tried everything and he seems to try everything to counteract my advances. He works 6 full-days a week leaving only Sunday to spend together... and on Sunday's we work on his house till 10-11pm. By then we're too tired for romance and he says "It's to late."

 

He just doesn't seem to be attracted to me or feel romantic about me anymore which is why I don't understand why he keeps asking "Do you love me anymore?". It seems just the opposite.

 

When I ask him if he wants time away from the relationship, he says no.

 

Anymore feedback?

[woopsydaisy]

yeah he seems definetly insecure....i dont think he is treating you that well by what you said in the second post.Especially when he ignores e mails etc.It seems to me he is taking your love for granted( and i know there is two sides to every story)...it seems to me like he is pushing you away for some reason ?.Either that or he is playing games.I would be definetly thinking along the same lines as you.What does he say if you confront him about about the no replys to e mails etc.

 

Either your boyfriend is majorly not quite self aware of his actions ( behaviour)...or hes testing you for some reason.

 

Sorry if its not quite the reponse you was after...but thats my own point of view.