How do you rationally approach getting back together?

[may55]

Ok, I know there are probably a 1000 posts similar to mine. I slept with my ex boyfriend yesterday and realized that there was something still very strong between us – beyond just sex. We were together for 5 years and painfully broke up a year ago. I am almost 30 and he is in his 30's. He started seeing someone, I started seeing someone. I broke it off with the new guy. He is breaking it off with the new girl, or never really was committed. Blah Blah Blah - you've heard this before I know.

 

I just need an honest answer. I still love this man. How do I approach the subject of getting back together? I realized after yesterday that I really want to try again. We had problems, but a lot of why we broke up had to do with lack of maturity and perspective. Both of which have independently improved significantly on this past year apart. We both have been in counseling since and had some good conversations about what went wrong and why. I understand what happened. And know that if we did get back together we would need to make sure we communicated.

 

So yesterday we talked a lot. About how "IF" we got back together how things would be different. How we both had changed already a year apart.

 

So what do you recommend? I really would like to try again. But have no idea how to approach him. I know him well enough to know that if I came on too strong he would freak out and say no. But I myself am not too sure if it would work. I would want to go slow.

 

How do you bring this up? Casual? Serious? Should I just wait and passively see what happens? Or will I miss a chance to be with someone who may really be right for me after all?

 

How have any of you approached this? Rationally approached this.

[LostinVan]

I have one bit of advice. If the two of you are thinking both about getting back together, seek a good, solutions-based marital therapist (yes, even if you aren't married) They can give you some good tools on how to make it work this second time around.

 

If both of you are talking about getting back in a positive way, get the tools you need to make it last.

 

LostinVan

[Hopingpraying]

May,

 

My advice is cut out the sex for the time being and become very good friends before you even think about getting serious again. You two need to make sure the reasons for your past breakup are behind you and neither one of you need to go through that again..

 

The counseling Idea is not a bad one either. That all depends on whether you can afford it, but a cheaper version of consueling is to be true friends that can tell each other anything.

 

Hope you two make it!!

[determined]

May

 

How much contact did you guys keep in that year apart? Did he leave you for this girl and how do you rationalise the feelings that he was with someone else.

 

Im in a similar situation......but not getting back as of yet

[may55]

Thanks so much for the responses.

 

I agree with the friendship idea. I like that idea. It sounds healthy. Counseling does as well, but i don't think its an option for now.

 

As a response to the other post, we had very little contact this past year. Which was really hard for me, but helped me as well. I followed the no contact rule. And it is strange but I am OK with him seeing this woman (obviously past tense, not if he kept seeing her now). I think because I went out and dated someone it made is less a big deal.

 

I having second thoughts now about getting back together. not that I do not want to, but I really don't know if there is a way to do it in a healthy way... I dunno.

[Hopingpraying]

May55,

 

I don't think it was anyones intention to sway you from getting back together with him, its just before you do that you need to make sure past issues were resolved in the relationship. Without talking openly to one another its hard to know if those have been resolved. Thats why I say it is important to be good friends with him first..

 

Even if you do decide you don't want to get "back together" with him there is no reasons why you two cannot be friends..

[luxe_13]

May,

May i ask who broke it off to begin with? And did you always feel as though you might want to try again someday?

[may55]

In reply to the previous post.

 

He broke it off in the end, although I moved out and wanted time apart first (it was pretty mutual I guess). I think in the back of my head I always thought we would one day work it out though. I guess I still do.

 

I am realizing that maybe our encounter a few days ago was left more of impression on me wanting to get back together than on him. I don't know if he really knows what he wants. I have not heard from him and very well may not.

 

I am not too sure how rational my thoughts of getting back together are or realistic. It's hard to distinguish from what you think you want and what is really good for you. I am not too sure if I should act on this feeling or just let it pass. I think it is going to take me acting upon something for us ever to get together. Just don't know if I should, or if I do if he will want this too.

[luxe_13]

May , the reason why asked is because I am constantly having this feeling that I'll get back with my ex. I am trying to distinguish between instinct and false hope.

 

I think you ar heading in the right direction with this. Take it slow and get to know each other again. Let him make the moves from now on.

If this is meant to happen, then it will work out.

 

Be open to what he has to give.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Please keep us updated....it gives us all hope that maybe...jut maybe it can all work out in the end.

[luxe_13]

May , the reason why asked is because I am constantly having this feeling that I'll get back with my ex. I am trying to distinguish between instinct and false hope.

 

I think you ar heading in the right direction with this. Take it slow and get to know each other again. Let him make the moves from now on.

If this is meant to happen, then it will work out.

 

Be open to what he has to give.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Please keep us updated....it gives us all hope that maybe...jut maybe it can all work out in the end.

[luxe_13]

May , the reason why asked is because I am constantly having this feeling that I'll get back with my ex. I am trying to distinguish between instinct and false hope.

 

I think you ar heading in the right direction with this. Take it slow and get to know each other again. Let him make the moves from now on.

If this is meant to happen, then it will work out.

 

Be open to what he has to give.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Please keep us updated....it gives us all hope that maybe...jut maybe it can all work out in the end.

[may55]

Update for you all.

 

We chatted tonight on the phone. I have been thinking really hard about getting back together, about why I would want to.

 

We both agreed that we are just going to see what happens. I am not getting my hopes up or falling into some fanatsy about us living happily ever after. he also is less keen on the idea of getting back together than I am. Surprizingly I am not hurt or feeling rejected. It's so hard not too, but I am really really concentrating on the here and now and on myself.

 

So as it stands now we are just going to start talking regularly. No expectations. Perhaps this really will work and perhaps not, but I will have to be okay with it either way.

 

Thanks to you all for the support. This has helped so much.

[may55]

Hi everyone,

 

Last and final update for you.

Thanks so much for the support and advice. Turns out I got caught up in some very strange mind games. He was merely cheating on his new girlfriend with me. I wad very gullible to believe all his lies and to think that he still loved me. It was very strange, very out of character for him. He was suddenly different next time I saw him, very cold. He said he was no longer interested in being friends or anything.

 

I later found out he was still seeing this new woman. He lost his job and is living off of her now. Next time I saw him, I confronted him on this. I basically cried. He screamed horrible things to me, told me all I wanted was commitment (I had mentioned nothing of the sort or anything about what he and I were doing) then stormed out of my house. It was the last I heard from him. Guess he had some issues?

 

I emailed him later telling him to not contact me again. My heart cannot go through what he put me through this past month. This was almost more painful than our breakup a year ago.

 

He really was different from when I knew him last. And not different in a good way. I am not too sure what made him seek me out again and try to rekindle our relationship, but whatever it was, it is no longer.

 

To all those who are thinking of getting back together with their ex'es. Tread lightly and NEVER forget that you are fine without them. This is what has helped me through the past week. I lived a year without him and was somewhat happy, getting happier. I can continue on with my life.

 

Take care all of you

-May