Day number 12 of NC

[Delusional Kisses]

OK, I'm going crazy now. I've been crying every night for the past three days and I may slip at any point now and call him.

 

No, no...I'd be really disappointed in myself if I were to do that so I know I won't, but I am just so discombobulated. And I don't want to talk about it. It only leads to tears, but my sisters don't seem to understand and they ask daily if I have heard from him. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I truly know this is best and I've had 12 days now to think through every last moment we had spent together and I can accept that it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I was beginning to cowar down to every single thing he said. I censored my words, my actions and even my thoughts so that he would not berate me for "acting like a girl" or being "whiny". And the more I censored myself, the more rules he began establishing to our friendship till it wasn't even a friendship anymore. I followed him around like a lost puppy and did and said everything he expected. I can't believe I could be so stupid.

And yet, I can't help but still think he is the man I was meant to be with. I can't imagine that I would miss someone this much and that it would physically hurt to be without him in my life. Please tell me it gets better than this. I'm so sad and I can think about little else. I'm trying to stay busy and keep myself occupied. I'm visiting friends tonight and then I leave for a week long trip tomorrow and I planned another trip for a weekend when I get back, but I'm not even slightly excited about any of it. I wish I knew this was at least effecting him in some way. How can he have daily contact with someone for three years and then let them walk out of his life? How does he sleep at night???

[Tanzi]

The relationship doesn't sound good at all. As much as you are hurting over it, you really are better off out of it. Its difficult trying not to think of our ex's and how they are feeling or what they are up to so don't beat yourself up about it. Its only natural. And who says hes not sleeping at night anyway?

 

You are doing all the right things by busying yourself. I know you don't feel much like going out but it will do you good.

 

It will get better, believe me. My ex-husband left me after 12 years of marriage and I couldn't imagine ever being with someone else. He was my bestfriend, my soulmate ... and the father to my 3 children. How could anyone ever replace that. However, 6 months after he left I met and fell in love with someone else and could now never imagine being with my husband again. So please don't look back at what you think you have lost, keep on moving forwards to what you can gain.