rich 1517 - ok im really in it

[rich_1517]

after a lengthy chat with a member of this forum. i am in the pits. which is probably about right. i have been seriously depressed, even before the girl left.

 

i have tried to rise to the challenge and win her heart back.

 

but i took the blame for the failure of the relationship and blamed her for nothing. hence my vision is blurred and my self esteem is low, very low.

 

i had lost my business and my dad in the same year. she left becuase i had been not accepting her and well not a lot of fun anymore.

 

so she left, i was devasted and to the frsutration of friends and family and some readers here im sure. i couldnt break the obsession or the insanity of overthinking.

 

she came back to say lets date. that the deck is stacked against me becuase she sees me more as a friend. but lets try and see.

 

 

so i have agreed to this. but i am really struggling to restore my self esteem, sense of self and the truth about what happened.

 

on one hand i want to end it, just send the letter that says: obviously i am the only one who thinks he did something wrong, and that two people have to want something and be willing to make it work for it to happen. well for it to happen for me. i accept i was wrong, but you arent meeting me in the middle.

 

on the other hand, i see that i have to let go enough to heal and be able to "see" if this relationship can be saved, if it should be saved. but i feel i dont have the time, that she will leave or move on. the desperation is hard and i hate it.

 

i need balance back. i need to be me again without her being more than she is.

 

i need help

[SincerlyHurt]

Rich, listen. You are way too caught up on this cards being stacked against you comment. You have an opportunity that most here would kill for. Of course when a relationship is attempting to be rekindled the cards are stacked backwards. Come on man. Get yourself together, be happy go lucky, but also be prepared to let go if it does not work out. That is the only way you can face this. If you are so torn all the time about the possibility of it being over you can not truly be your lovable self. Your anxiety will shine through. Tell yourself that you will be all you can be and if that is not enough so be it. Put your best foot forward, keep your emotions in check around her and exude confidence. Be THAT guy. No matter what she says about your deck of cards you have her interest, take it and run with it. Stop thinking so much and act. You don't know what is to come of this, try to relax and take it as it comes. Act and react. Chill buddy and be the guy you know she wants, not the ball of knots you are now. Don't blow this because of anxiety. Don't think too hard. Look at it like it is brand new, put the worries aside and have fun together. Do something besides the run of the mill dinner date. Play putt putt golf, be silly, bond through goofyness. If you two don't have fun and just sit at a dinner table talking around the issues, what will keep the interest up? Mix it up man. Be unordinary. Best of luck. I wish I was in your shoes.

[GeeCee]

OK Rich - here it is - I shall tell it how I see it - I don't think that you will like what I am going to say - but here goes.

 

There are a lot of people on this site, myself included, who would like to be in your position. This is more than you expected or could have hoped for three weeks ago. But if you carry on like this, you are going to blow it. You are blowing it. You are filled with angst and self-doubt. I have dumped, and I have been dumped. In your ex's situation, I would run away from you right now. You would not be fun to be with. Your anxiety is eating away at you. This is not fun. So, what are you going to do about it? Ruin your chance with this woman, so that you continue posting new threads on this site?

 

I think that your ex is right - the deck is stacked against this relationship working. But, she has shown enough willing to attempt a reconciliation. Are you now going to prove to her that you are not worthy of that opportunity? You need to start acting out your part. She says something that cuts you - ignore it. Move the conversation on. Do not dwell on what makes you unhappy, analysing every comment she makes. I agree with SincerelyHurt - inject some fun back into the relationship. Forget the sex now, you cannot deal with that issue at the moment. It is too big. Concentrate on how the two of you relate to each other.

 

Go out and do something fun - bowling, ice-skating. Something that eases the obvious tension between the two of you. Act in a way that she does not expect. When my ex told me that he was not sure where our relationship was going, I told him that I was blown away, but I also told him that he was an idiot - that he knew the two of us were good for each other. I wanted to scream, cry, be angry at the stupidity. But I saved that for the confines of my own home. Did not allow him to see that. He has no idea of the sleepless nights, the rages. Nor should he. That puts too much pressure on a person. Since we have met up again, he has seen me happy and confident. He knows that I want him back. But I have not shown him desperation. You must stop being so needy towards you ex. It is too much pressure for the both of you and is a vicious cycle.

 

Start acting your part. I want a man who is confident in his decisions, not wracked with insecurities. This is not the time to boost your ego - let that go. Start building up some good memories for the two of you - things that will enthuse you both when times are rough, because this is not going to be plain-sailing. In fact, you might find that getting her back was the easy part - I think that you are now faced with the hard part - the rality of making it work.

 

I am sorry if I sound harsh, Rich, but if you really are feeling this insecure, being in a relationship with this woman is not healthy for you, and you should save yourself the torture and end it now.

 

You have to adjust your mindset and forget about the past, in order for this to have any chance of survival. You have got to let go. Look on this as a new start. New dates. Go bowling, walking, horse-riding, picnic, whatever, just inject a sense of adventure into the friendship before you begin to think about the relationship. Show her something different.

 

But Rich, if you are really depressed, and it sounds like that is the case, this has been an intolerable strain on you for the last two months, you will have to heal yourself first. If that means that you now have to take some time, and only see her once a week then do that. You have to heal yourself, love yourself because how can anyone else be expected to want you if you don't. You have got to work on yourself, and then, hopefully you can work on your relationship.

 

Sorry Rich, this is lengthy and harsh. I don't mean to hurt you, but you are going to lose this fight, if you don't work on yourself first.

 

Start your battle of attack with manageable objectives. Succeeding will build up your confidence and self-esteem, and gradually you will be able to tackle larger issues in the relationship.

 

G xx

 

Good luck - you can do this, and a lot of people here are willing you on - myself included.

[rich_1517]

ok well ouch. but true.

 

i need help. i do not want to blow. i will not rationize my way to being ok.

 

i will be confident, sexy, and fun. i wont try to explain myself here anymore. i will let go of the illusions, i will be that guy.

 

i am smart, funny, handsome, outgoing and well people like me

 

i suffer from post shatter confidence, but ok. if i blow it from thinking less of myself or being to nervous and not being myself i will never live it down.

 

so ok. im done.

[GeeCee]

No no no Rich - you got me wrong. You must continue to post on here. And you must post your feelings. That is not what I meant, and I am sorry if it came accross that way.

 

What you must not do is let the ex see these insecurities.

 

G xx

 

P.S. I am sorry, I did not say anything to hurt you, just shake you up a little.

 

Go for it Rich, you have all to gain and much to lose.

 

But, keep posting your worries here. Lots of people want to help.

[rich_1517]

its ok ceecee,

 

i am playing a third quarter game of catch up.

 

i have suffered from lowered self esteem around an ex before, and i never want to repeat it.

 

i have done a pretty good job not "leaking" many feelings out, actually i have been fairly consistent with her. thankfully a sense of calm does exist between us.

 

she does keep asking if there was something i wanted to talk about. which i cannot read but she may fear that i want to talk about feelings. which i will not do until i am certain that i want to end it completely. or when its time which it isnt. tough one for a "feeler", but i can use my feelings in the form of charm, empathy and caring.

 

so warnings are understood, dont blow it from lack of confidence or insecurities.

 

those are the key though, removing the insecurites and being confident while at the same time acting natural. not nervous. acccck.

 

i have to remove intimidation as well, no woman wants to feel "perfect" we all know that the pursuer is just looking for their fix and not really interested in them. so i need to see her as just another girl again.

 

an aloof one and one i must pursue to get. i am trying to remember that i have intrinsic qualities that attract women to me. so tonight i go practice.

 

my love for life and fun and humor are big ones, now its time to restore them.

[GeeCee]

Wow Rich - you are healing. I am so pleased for you - you are doing real good. You need to keep reminding yourself that she does not have all the power. Remember that she came back to you. She wants something from you. You are fulfilling a need in her. She might not know what it is just yet, but use that to your advantage. Keep reminding her, very subtly, why she fell in love with you and what an impact your loss would on her.

 

You have the power to make this work, Rich. Use it wisely!!

 

G xx