Had a fight with a friend

[foxysox]

I'm gonna try to keep this short...I have a friend, a long-distance friend.

 

Lately things have been a bit strange between us. We used to be in touch weekly and had a good and regular communication but after Christmas things have been different. She is always busy and never has time for anything.

 

I called her this weekend as we hadn't talked for a month or so (only one or two text messages) and didn't get any reply. I waited until today and I sent her a text asking if she was all right, etc. I got a text back saying she had just gotten back from a week's business trip abroad. I was a bit surprised because we had sent me a text message earlier that week and not mentioned she was out of the country at all. I texted her back asking if she wanted to catch up a bit over a phone call. She texted me back saying that I shouldn't take this in the wrong way but she wasn't in the mood for a phone call, she had other priorities, was busy and tired, etc. I sent a text back saying okay, I get it, I will leave you alone. Then I regretted being so blunt and sent a text again apologozing, asking if we were okay. She sent a text back saying "sure".

 

I just feel like this friendship is going downhill so quickly and I don't know how it got this way or how I can stop it. She has always meant a lot to me but lately things have been so different.

[Binoo]

I would suggest just giving her some space. That's what she seems to want at this point and asking her to keep in such close contact for the time being may come off a bit pushy. Give her a week or two and then call her and see how she's been doing.

[Moz]

Sorry to hear this happened. Just give her some space, I'm sure once the dust settles she will realise that you are a good friend and it will all be forgotten. No way can what has happened just wipe out all the years of friendship you two have.

[foxysox]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I did feel sad and a bit offended yesterday and I felt like her reaction to me asking if we could catch up a bit over a phone call was a bit rude and over the top. I rarely call her because long-distance phone calls can be a bit expensive but since I hadn't heard from her in a month or so I thought I should give it a go.

 

Today we texted again and she said that she always feels a pressure to be there for everyone and that everybody always wants something from her and that she can't do that and needs time for herself as well. She said it hurts when people say she isn't there for them and it puts her under even more pressure.

 

She is a very social person, has a lot of friends and mates, a family, partner, busy job, etc. I, on the other hand, am single, don't have many friends and to be honest, she is one of the few friends I have which means I value the friendship highly. So that's why keeping in touch is important to me and I've sort of felt that taking 15-20 minutes once a month to write an email or make a phone call isn't too much to ask for. Is that selfish of me?

 

Maybe we are just two people from different worlds with different view points? I don't know what to do. Should I try to explain how I feel?

[thinkorswim]

That sounds a lot like what I'm going through right now. I have a number of social acquaintances but few real friends so I tend to want more than perhaps people can give. I sometimes wonder if my feelings matter to them, forgetting how many other people they have in their lives... or possibly assuming I'm as big of a priority to them as they are to me.

 

The advice I'm going to give is probably what I also need to hear, too--

It might hurt right now but I suggest you let it be for a little while.

It sounds like she's overwhelmed with what's on her plate and because you're not "there" in her day-to-day activities, she's not making the friendship a priority.

I think she was honest about how much time she can give you-- not too much.

 

I completely understand wanting to explain how you feel-- I also just posted about what I should do in a similar situation. But my gut feeling is... explaining might add more pressure to her. I think it would be much better to let it slide for now. Keep in touch in a way that doesn't require her to respond-- say hello, send quick email wishing her a nice day, etc.

 

She'll either get back to you when she's able... or the friendship will drift off.

I think it's better to leave it upbeat and positive - the door is open if she wants it, with no pressure.

 

Well, that's my advice to you. I think I might follow it myself with regards to my broken friendship.

Hugs to you!

[foxysox]

I just wish I knew what happened, you know? She has always been super busy, but in the past she still took time to keep in touch. Then after Christmas it started to change.

 

Yes, it does hurt and part of you really want to let them know how much you miss them and that it hurts - but part of me thinks that telling her that will drive her further away.

[thinkorswim]

I just wish I knew what happened, you know? She has always been super busy, but in the past she still took time to keep in touch. Then after Christmas it started to change.

 

Yes, it does hurt and part of you really want to let them know how much you miss them and that it hurts - but part of me thinks that telling her that will drive her further away.

I know exactly. I feel something happened to my friend between Xmas and New Years. Two months later (last week) we finally spoke and I was told the truth: I'm not wanted as a friend because relationships require "too much work" or whatever. And here I was keeping in touch and holding out hope for 2 months.. when this must have been seen as a bother.

 

I know it hurts. I know it's confusing and you're torn between wanting your feelings to matter to them... and not wanting to drive the person away by being "needy". Or you wonder if your friend is going through something she doesn't want to talk about, so you don't want to abandon her.

 

I think the best thing to do is give it some time. Don't shut the door, but don't keep ringing the bell. Maybe every so often drop her a line to say hi but keep the expectations to a minimum. Eventually she might pick up the slack... or not. If it hurts to be in limbo, you can tell yourself the friendship has changed and try to accept it for what it is.

 

Take care.

[foxysox]

I'm sorry what happened between you and your friend It must have been frustrating to find out about this after two months.

 

Yeah, it is exactly like you described it. You want your feelings to matter for them, but you don't wanna come off as needy either.

 

I think I will follow your advice. Give her some space and not contact her for a week or two, and then drop her a line asking how she is doing.

 

I think my problem is that I've become too emotionally dependant on this person, and since she is one of the few friends I have I've turned a long-distance friendship into a face to face friendship. I've been wanting her to be that best friend that you call up for a chat and confide in, not realising that her life looks very different.

 

Anyway, thanks for your advice and I hope everything works out for you, with or without your friend.