I have no clue what to think

[amyjb]

Where to begin? I guess I will start with the fact that my husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two children together. A couple of years ago, our son was diagnosed with Aspergers, a high functioning form of Autism. I think that was when things started going downhill.

Not only did we have to deal with the fact our child had Autism, but the stress of handling a child with it, the worrying about him and the fact that we couldn't talk about it. My husband also started working from home around that time and his only social life was myself and the children. Things became more and more stressed in our life. I still loved him with all my heart and never thought about not being with him or anything drastic and I *thought* he felt the same. At least I did until August of last year.

I knew something didn't feel quite right over the summer. He was more distant than ever, was up all night, played on the internet a lot, was basically emotionally detached from me. I asked him at some point if he was having an affair and he told me no, and I felt incredibly dumb for asking such a question after that. My husband would never do such a thing. WRONG!

He broke it all to me in August of this past year. He started off by telling me he didn't think I was happy, blah, blah, blah. While he is telling me this, I get upset, because I didn't have the same feelings. Then he says there was something else he had to tell me. That is when I learn about his love for a young girl he met on an internet game. He met her on the game, went on to email each other, then came the phone conversations. He told me they loved each other. Talk about a slap in the face. I had no idea things were so bad. He tried to tell me for the longest time (and did again this evening) that it wasn't about her, it was about us. But how can it not be about her when that affair was taking away from our marriage? I was (and still am) devastated.

I went through hell after he told me. For over 2 1/2 months I begged and pleaded with him not to give up on our marriage and our family. For 2 1/2 months, he stayed here with me, would tell me no to a divorce, but would tell me he didn't see how things could work out. For 2 1/2 months, I had my heart broken everyday. I was a total emotional wreck. The person who I loved most in this world, the person I trusted most in this world had failed me.

I was finally beginning to see that this was not going to work, he wanted out, and began to accept it somewhat. I realized I was worth something and I was not going to do this anymore. I think that was when it hit him. He told me he loved me and wanted to work this out. That was the beginning of November.

So since the beginning of November, there was a drastic change with us. We started doing things together again. We started going out together again, laughing with each other again, being loving with each other again, etc etc.

I still do have set backs where I get upset and cry about everything that happened. But that is to be expected when the one you love hurts you. The crying spells have gotten to be further and further apart, slowly healing from it all. Things started to be great again and I thought everything was going to be okay.

Until tonight, where he hurts me again. I was having a spell, and started talking to him about everything that happened. I asked him if he missed her and he says "I don't know" WHAT? I asked him if he wishes he had never talked to her and he says "I don't know". WHAT? He says it was all a screwed up situation and he was sure she was screwed up by it too. Why the hell do I care if she was screwed up from it and why does he??? I am the one who was really screwed up by all of this. ME! He then says he just wants me to be happy. I asked him if he was and he said he was happy to see me happy and the kids happy. But that never did answer the question if he was happy. When talking about the other girl again he said it didn't matter, she was gone, and he said "I am still here, aren't I?" When something else came up about our marriage, he says "we are working on it, aren't we?" Well gee, I was under the impression that we did work on it, we admitted our mistakes and we fixed those mistakes. I had no clue we were still working on it. I thought all that was done and over with and we were pretty happy again.

I asked him to tell me that he loves me with all his heart, that he loves me the way a husband should love a wife, and to tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. All he said was yes. He couldn't say the words to me. He did get teary eyed throughout the conversation and told me it broke his heart when I cried and that he wished he could take everything I was feeling away. And after our conversation, he kept telling me he loved me. But I am just not sure what kind of love he has for me.

I just don't know. He just so confuses me!!! You would think that if he truly loved me, he would have said he did not miss this other girl and that he wished he would have not met her instead of saying "I don't know". Is he confusing with these statements? Or am I still just an emotional wreck? Or maybe some of both.

I am just so heart broken. How can someone say they love you yet hurt you?

[angellady]

Hi Amy,

I feel your pain and am sorry you are going through it. I don't really feel qualified to give advice (heck, I joined this site because of my own relationship problem), but I feel like I might be able to offer some insight. Many years ago, I was married, we were going through a rough patch, I had an affair with my childhood boyfriend (the first love of my life) and left my husband to be with the boyfriend. After a couple months, the guilt was eating away at me and I felt I had merely run away, so I came back to determine if I could work things out with my husband, and we eventually did. At the time, I wholeheartedly believed that it is indeed possible to love 2 people at the same time. I also think that once you have loved another person, it is natural to miss that person and basically mourn the loss of them. I think my husband and I were successful at repairing our relationship, yet I still secretly missed the other man for several months. Your husband is with you now, seems committed to repairing your relationship, the other woman seems to be entirely gone, so maybe he just needs a little time to grieve his loss and then things will be well again. I wish you the best.

[Iceman26]

How can someone say they love you yet hurt you?

 

Cheating is the utmost form of selfishness in a relationship. When he told you he cheated because of the two of you he was wrong. He cheated because of him. He cheated because he didn't communicate his feelings to you, he communicated them to someone else.

 

I think a cheating partner can love you, but they love themselves and their own desires more.

 

I would suggest you seek marital counseling. It sounds like your marriage has been under a great deal of stress. If you don't get help I think you will both be unhappy because he isn't expressing himself well and you still have many doubts and questions.

[clh]

I am sorry for what you have been through amyjb.

 

I agree with Iceman on his points. Him saying he cheated because of the two of you is wrong.

 

He does not seem to validate any of your feelings. That can be very painful too.

 

It seems that you want this to work. If possible, I think it would be helpful to seek a marriage counselor. Maybe a counselor can help him understand what you need from him and teach him how to respond more effectively, instead of him invalidating you all the time.

 

He needs to understand that remarks like "well, I'm here, aren't I?" fuels the insecurity you have been left with from him cheating on you.

 

I don't understand why he responds the way he does when you ask him questions. It is hard to know if he just doesn't want to own up to it, or he is defensive because he is ashamed...

 

Try and take care of yourself and surround yourself with caring people as much as reasonable.

 

By the way, I am no expert either...

[amyjb]

So he tells me this afternoon, after not talking with her for 6 months (if that is the truth, I think it is) that he does miss her sometimes. That breaks my heart. I asked if he still has feelings for her and he said he doesn't know, he doesn't know how to answer that.

Am I wrong in being upset with those answers? Am I wrong for feeling that our marriage isn't real if he still misses her sometimes and isn't sure about his feelings for her? How can he love me like a husband should love a wife if he misses someone else?

He says it doesn't matter, that she is gone, and he is here with me. But it does matter, doesn't it? Am I just reading too much into this because I am an emotional wreck?

I just don't get it.

 

I wish I could see a therapist right now, but unfortunately, a week after I was blindsided with all of this, my husband lost his job, and has not found a new one yet, so thereforee I have no insurance to see a therapist right now.

 

Talk about some stress in a marriage, huh??

[RobD70]

The memories of her will fade in time but he does idealizes her which is why he says those things. As long as he no longer speaks to her I would let it go. Bringing it up will make him feel guilty and remind him of her. At least he didn't move in with her like wife did.

[edithann]

Please don't feel as if your entire marriage is a lie...

 

My husband and I have been through this also, and I am sure mine still cares for her, as she was a friend before we got together. But the fact that he is not in contact with her since I asked him over 2 years ago to drop it or lose me, speaks volumes.

 

His actions count. I don't know your husband, but my husband is a classic conflict avoider, and he also has intimacy issues.Yes, we all have issues and baggage.But fortunately, we have chosen to spend the rest of our lives together, as you two have. Life is too short for this drama.

 

Please look at it as a positive thing that he is being HONEST with you about his feelings. Build on that, become his confidante, his lover and friend. The fact that he and you are having these discussions are proof positive that you can have a strong and lasting marriage.

 

I still get angry over the whole mess, but that is my cross to bear. My husband knows he f***ed up, and he has my forgiveness.

 

It is VERY painful (and rare)for anyone to listen to their Husband/Wife talk about residual feelings for another lover. I really wish you two the best.

 

P.S.....Support and good family/therapy is absolutely essential in these situations!

[maritalbliss]

I've never been through this but have read a lot about it.... I believe that yes, it is true that your husband most DEFINITELY still has feelings for her - but you need to really try to make yourself ok with that for now. He is choosing you... period. Try to make yourself focus on that and the fact that he isn't still trying to contact her.

 

The anatomy of an affair works in such a way to bond the lovers more so than they have ever experienced (even with their spouse!!!). YES, its a very tragic thing - your husband f**cking messed up! I feel for you, I do, but please, don't "teach him to lie" to you by acting mad when you ask him if he misses her and still has feelings for her.

 

Wake up call, sweetie, he does. And if you react with anger for him telling you the TRUTH... he will learn to lie to you again.. its just that simple.

 

I love you as a sister, and pray that this works out for you.