This is the situation guys. Please offer me advice, opinions

[danimal77]

Hi Everyone,

 

I would really appreciate all of your advice. Thank you. Here is my story.

 

I went 12 days without contact and then, I initiated a phone call to her a few days ago and she actually called me back that night and then I asked her if we could speak again and she said sure. I didn't once mention to her that I love her and miss her. You see, I had lost all her respect and trust I towards the end. I acted helpless and took her love for granted, while constantly questioning her loyalty and sincerity and love she had for me. I hurt her I guess to the point that it hurt her too much to love me and thereforeeee, she had to tear away from me, out of necessity for herself. I chased her and begged her and pleaded and cried in the beginning, as I did all of the other times, which always got her back, but not this time, because she made up her mind, to move on and start dating and wanting to move away, because she believed in her heart, that I would never really change and she wasn't/isn't prepared to take that chance again.

 

Anyways, 2 and a hald days passed, since we spoke that night and I called her back a couple of times and sent her an email. The next morning I didn't want to leave anything to chance, so I called her once more on her cell and she answered. I was very non-threatening and imposed no pressure. Once again, I didn't make the same mistake to tell her how much I missed her and loved her. I was calm, confident and casual, while still being attentive and kind. It was a nice conversation. It went so well, that I asked her if she's like to meet the next week for a casual drink. She'd said that we'd see how things played out and we wished each other a good weekend and said goodbye. That was Friday morning. Believe it or not, having been given the green flag to get in touch with her, I did not make a move and was waiting patiently for the right moment to do so. Sunday afternoon, I was opening my email and I received an email from her. I was shocked. She did the initiating, not me this time!!! The email was negative, but very contradicting at the same time. She stated that she honestly is very confused why I want to speak to her and even see her and she doesn't feel "the need" to do so. She had been trying to move on these last 3 and a half weeks and has been doing just that and is very happy. She is very suspicious of my motives and will not be able to put her defenses down around me, because of all of the hurt I caused her and bottom line, she doesn't trust me. Then she went on to say that she thinks about me and hopes that I'm happy and successful and that I meet someone special and she knows that I always told her that she's the one, but that will never happen, yet, she's telling me that she has no idea what it is that I'm thinking and want and this has left her very confused. She then started talking about other small and insignificant stuff and left the email open for a reply from me.

 

She doesn't know where I'm coming from. I'm not the baby she left 3 and a half weeks ago. I'm the man she fell in love with and she knows this and is shocked that I'm not falling apart with her.

 

I have not responded to her email in 24 hours and not sure if I should and if so, what I should say.

 

For someone who's not interested in me, she unecessarily made an effort to contact me, to tell me that she's not interested and couldn't even wait until next week. She's been thinking about my phone call all week. I believe that her email may have been a test. She didn't mention we cut out contact, but put the bait out for me to fish, but I didn't. I believe that I am getting to her and making her perhaps question things and this is her way of showing me that.

 

I want to continue along this path, by every now and then reaching out, without disclosing too many feelings. If I play my cards right and give her the right reason to want to see me, that I may stand a chance. I've grown stronger and more confident than ever before and have ironically become the man she fell in love with.

 

What should be my next step? She's made the last move, when she really didn't have to, all because I am now confusing her and making her scratch her head. What can I do, to take that to the next level? If I play my cards right, I may have a fresh start to redeem myself in her eyes.

 

If you need more info, please read my previous posts. Thanks.

 

Please advise,

 

Thanks,

 

Dan

[dikaia880]

It seems to me that she has made her intentions clear...by what you say she has said, it sounds like she is confused because you want to see her, but that you aren't doing what you normally do...I think she is wondering what will happen if you two see each other...will you do what she's worried you will do (i.e. beg, plead, cry, and the rest.) It does not sound like she wants to be together with you, but that she still cares enough to wish you the best in life. In my opinion, and thats all it is (obviously I'm no expert or I would not be here,) I think that you should (if she is willing) go out for some casual drinks. However, this does not seem to me to be an invitation to go back to talking things out about you two. I would go out, have fun being in each other's company (because if that can't happen, why would you two want to be together anyways, right?) Then leave it at that, do not mention anything about "how you've become a better man" or anything like that, let your actions, body language, say all of that. I think that you need to treat this like a first date, listen carefully to the things she says, pay attention to her body language. Try to get a feel for what she is saying without coming anywhere near to broaching the subject of you two. It is possible that right now all she is confused about is that she thought you didn't want to be friends, and is wondering why all of the sudden you do, and if you push (by even hinting at the subject "us") or if she feels like you're trying to win her back she will most likely close the door on any chance...this may be your now or never chance to gain back her trust and comfort for you. If you do not feel you can meet her without making her comfortable and relaxed, and not bring you two up then you should not meet her. And after you two meet, it is most definitely up to her to contact you afterwards, and when she does listen carefully to what she's saying.

Best of luck!!!

[luckystar]

I am very sorry if I come accross rude, impolite, mean or otherwise......I do not want to hurt anyones feelings......BUT

 

 

You are living a lie.....if you continue with your actions and the neediness that you are showing here on this forum.....YOU WILL NEVER GET HER BACK!

 

The way you talk on this forum proves that you have NOT changed back to the person you were when the two of you started dating......you are desperate and it is CLEAR AS DAY to anyone who reads your messages.......NO CONTACT!!!.....I mean NONE for 60 days unless initiated BY HER!!!

 

If you do this....you may have a chance.....otherwise....I am telling you....your chances the way you are handling it now are less than 15-20%

 

good luck ......

[dikaia880]

Thanks lucky star...He's right Danimal, its hard to say after 3 weeks that you have changed...thats not really enough time. I think we should all take a little (or a lot) from luckystar's strength. I think that by what you say she obviously wants to move ahead in her life, without you, but that she still cares as people often do. Let time heal your wounds...she has said that you two are not meant to be, and that she hopes you find someone...but she obviously feels, at this point, its not you...so let her be and let time and fate decide where the two of you are to be placed in life. You cannot force something, if it just isn't right.

[danimal77]

You guys are all entitled to your own opinions. Luckystar, I was your #1 supporter from day one and I'm happy for you, that things are now turning around for you.

 

The no contact rule does hold to serve many purposes and when someone is trying to move on with their life and are determined to do so, by moving away and dating and so forth, then whatever urge they may have to contact their ex lover, is diminished significantly. One of two things happen. Either absense makes the heart grow fonder, or out of sight, out of mind will apply. It's all dependent on various factors.

 

Contrary to what you may think, I have changed. I do not cry anymore. When given the chance and/or opportunity to grovel, beg and plead with her, I chose not to. That in itself was a huge improvement and has helped her in not running away from me. She is most certainly not running towards me either. I'm aware of this, but it is possible to pop your head in very now and then and give your former lover a little bit of what you're experiencing, without them getting a full taste, because they don't have a right to all of you yet, as much as they're not giving us the right to have all, or any of them yet.

 

I have regained some self-respect and have become more proud of my actions. I have plenty to worry about guys. Unlike your ex Luckystar, mine is dating and planning to move away, while you were more confident that your own wasn't. I had more to lose and faster than you, I believe.

 

I've spoken to various people on this board, who have differing opinions. Tell me, how much have you changed Luckystar, if your one goal is to get her back and you couldn't wait for her to see all of the improvements you've made to yourself in the course of the last 2 months? It almost appears as though you have been doing it for her, which is cool, but who's #1 in your life today? Is it you, or her? 1 month ago, she was #1. I didn't take care of myself. I expected her to do that for me. I was utterly helpless. when she left, I thougth that my life was over, but I'm still here and contrary to what she believed back then, I'm surviving without her. I'm more than surviving. I'm living. I am #1 today and she knows this now and this has made her turn her head slightly. If I would ignored her completely and put a check on every day of the calendar and been proud of it, I would have been lying to myself. She may have thought, okay, he's not calling me, but he's probably all torn up inside, but I let her knw that I'm not and in a big way. She's shocked and I'm happy and not for her, but for me.

 

I don't care about 15-20% chance, or 80-95% chance either. Those stats are completely arbitrary #'s that you created on your own, based on your own hypothesis. You have implicated a strategy that has worked for you and I have/am implicating one that may very well work for me. I have my supporters as well. I have and am continuing to change and no, I have not given up hope and for one very good reason. I believe in myself today. That's my only winning tool.

 

Dan

[dikaia880]

Good points...

When it comes to, any of us, living for us as #1...I don't think anybody here can really say that. We're all here looking for advice to get our ex's back...The only way we can be living for us and only us is when we honestly do not care what happens with our ex's. I encourage you to met with her and show her that your living for yourself, but beware that if you can't do that do not met with her...you are in a precarious position and if you don't show the right cards, you will push her away. to me it seems that the slightest hint that you still want to be with this girl will make her dis-trust your intentions in meeting and that will most likely end any chance you two have. Some of us do have the fortune to be in Luckystars position and I think your right, he is not living for himself, but he is making himself better, as you are too. Also, I think an important thing to remember is that your ex is dating, and is moving away...while your timing may be short, she will undoubtly take any advance from you, as you not respecting her in her current situation with this new guy and then she will make her despise you...be careful... I wish you the best of luck, but keep it all in perspective, or you could wind up playing a pair of 2's against two jacks and a pair a nines.

[danimal77]

Thanks for the reply,

 

Just to reiterate, in case anyone doesn't know, she's not aware that I know that she's begun chatting on single lines, and dating. Another way I've changed, is that I would have jumped on this opportunity to try and stop her, but I am taking all of that negative energy and attempting to turn it into something positive.

 

I am hungry again, but I am not starving. She became full of me, but has not had a full course of Dan, for quite some time. What I'm doing, instead of tearing down the establishment, of where she ate for almost 17 months, I am in the process of rebuliding it from scratch. It resembles the same restaurant, serving the same food, but the foundation seems to be stronger and the food seems to have a new, special ingredient, that she's not used to and what I'm trying to accomplish, by contacting her, very sporadically and not responding to her for days after she has made her own contact, is just plain out giving her a taste test and a sample, without telling her at this point, that she is entitled to the full course. With time, she will have to earn, because I will be too damn irresistible. We can play hard to get with them, if we're smart and use our heads. Don't panic and take your time. Don't ignore them altogether, because that doesn't show them much. Make yourself omnipresent. Let them taste you and then go away. They will start to crave what they feel they can no longer have. That's my take.

 

Dan

[dikaia880]

You have good points...but another thing to remember, for all of us, is that sometimes, some people don't want to eat at our establishment no matter how tasty it is...its a sad fact in life, but alas it is fact. I hope for your sake and everyone her trying to regain their lost loves that our ex's come back, but at the sametime I hope we can all face the facts and be wise enough to move on if or when the time comes.

[danimal77]

I agree with you, but there was a point in time, that they loved this restaurant and invested 100% of their shares, however, the stock took a nose dive and they pulled out.

 

Not hearing about this particular stock, for an indefinte period of tim make, will not them want to re-invest, however, if they hear, or see with their own eyes, that we're growing exponentially speaking, on a daily basis, they will start to associate this with the times that they were winning money and not losing it and they be more apt to reinvesting a few cents.

 

Their hearts are no longer open, but the part of their heart that will always remember us, can grow, like anything else, but we can't just sit back and hope that it does. The best way to get to a woman's heart, is by using your head. That I'm learning and nothing in life is too late, or impossible. Nothing.

 

My 3 cents.

[dikaia880]

True there is always a chance for re-investment of funds...

But remember, you can't sit around waiting for the one investor until they say they will invest for the course of the establishment. Another thing to remember is that she seems to be investing in another restaurant, if you will, and that the funds that were once there to invest in your restaurant are probably not available at this time...and it takes a wise broker to convince someone to move their investment to another stock. That broker must be very careful and look at the market, because there may be a better, more lecritive investor in the next office down the hall!

[dikaia880]

Hey,

I don't know her so I can't say as to what she might be doing...

In my mind there are very few times when something isn't ever possible...

At the sametime have you ever heard that nothing is impossible? I heard that a lot when I was a kid and I would always say back "You can't climb into you tv set and be on tv can you?" I guess my point is this...there is always a chance to win back the affection of a lost lover, but that chance maybe so slim that it's not worth you time...

She may be going out, trying to find another because she is afraid to be alone, thats how I see it if what your saying is true...and in that case you shouldn't want to be with her (I know..I know...easier said than done) but think about it...if she is afraid of being alone, she won't be with you for the right reasons, and then you'll get your heart broken all over again...

So, I wouldn't give up on her, but don't let her be with you for the wrong reasons... I'd give her time, if she realizes your the one she'll be back, if she realizes your the one she can be with and not be alone, she'll be back...but either way if she comes back, make sure you know why she's coming back...and if she doesn't comeback she never really loved you, even though you love her, it still wasn't meant to be...

Best of luck

[Stingseed]

Hello Guys

 

I am heart broken. I need advice with ex-girlfriiend the no-contact of sort and stuff

 

This is what happen. I meet her year and half ago. We fell deeply in love well the usual as you guys may know. At the end of January she comes out saying that she has done something horrible and that i am going to hate for it. (Don't get her wrong she loves me very much). Well anyways she came out saying that she cheated on me with some guy she knew for some monhs. Well the usual happen she said she was sorry, and that she still loved me. The thing is that she fell so deeply in love with me that she never had the chance to meet other people thereforeeee was one of the reasons for getting close to this guy. The other reason is that she said I was to jealous and not financially stable. Which I agree. I know that I must show her that these faults are corrected so that she can remember the guy she fell in love with and remember the good times we had. but the thing is this other guy she is seeing is getting in the way ( ohh what to do what to do?).

 

Don't get me wrong even though she is seeing this guy to this day she still calls me reason being she need to talk to me. Somtimes she just calls my office is as if she is afraid I will not answer the cell. I guess cause I tried to play the no-contact thing but at the most I last is about 2 or 3 days me being the one to returns her calls( the dreaded call back it is). I asked if she wnas to lose me for good. her reply was no never that I am not going to lose her. I asked her if the reason she is still telling she loves me and wants me in any way a soft way of telling me she does not want to see me no more? she says no. I am saying it cuae i mean it. I asked her Are you having a difficult time in finding the words to let me go for good and thereforeeee the reason you keep calling me? she said no. I call cause I wanna talk to you. These are some questions I have asked her there are 2 ro 3 more which I will post later. The thing is that she calls me, work and cell and when we do talk we still some of the nice little cute conversations we always have had and I do still make her laugh and whatnot. but her is the twister. I have asked her to go out and she always says maybe and never does. I tell her if she loves me, calls me, tells me she don't wanna lose me, then way can't we go out to dinner or concerts. her response is she is not ready yet, and apologizes for putting me through all of this. She is still very open with me even telling me she was afraid she might be pregant with his baby which it turns out she is not(thank god)at one point she told me she is not to serious with the guy she is seeing and that he is not serious with her cause they have only have been seeing each other for 3 months 2 months of it being behind my back. but that she still needs to see other people which drives me crazy, but I don't show here that emotion I just try to talk about it and tell her that I love her and ask why is she adding this confusing to herself and to comeback to me. I know I must be nagging her to death with all the questions I have asked her, but the reason I do it is to make sure she still loves me, does not want to lose me and most important is to make sure she is not being nice to me just to not hurt my feeling anymore. 2 weeks ago I convinced her not to go another date, and went on further I said that we should seriously try to work things out, and that I am the only man she needs. guess what she said? that i am right and that we should try, but 2 days later she changed her mind saying that even though she is seeing someone that there is another person that she wants to date thereforeeee saying she need to see other people not to mention that. This has been going for 4 weeks now everytime I seem to get close it seems I am getting further (what am I doing wrong?).

 

Well guys I do want to get back with her very badly I am deeply in love with her but I have made some mistakes in doing so. Can you help me? She is with someone but not in love, she feels she need to date but she still calls me, does tthe no-contact rule apply here? please reply......