Paranoid?

[bnd610]

I will apologize in advance for the length and if you do read it all thank you for your time.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We live together, share money, discuss future plans (moving out of state, starting family) etc. He is 9 years older than me and has 2 kids from 2 different women. I have no kids. When we first met I also had the pleasure of meeting his ex-girlfriend (they were already exes!). She is not one of the women who he had a child with. About 6 months after we started dating I was looking at his Myspace page and noticed that she messaged him some sort of poem indicating that he would regret leaving her. I asked him about it and he said he didn't even know who that person was (there was a picture) and he assumed it was spam. I let it go until her current boyfriend messaged him a month later stating that he was going to kill him. Then I lost it. We got into a fight. He said he had no idea what the problem was and that he would block her from commenting him and delete her as a friend. I was satisfied.

Right around that time is when we started having sex less often. I have tried to talk about it but it turns out that he is shy about that issue and I really didn't get anywhere. I started to think that maybe it was my inexperience and looked up all sorts of things that might make him happy. I still have no clue if any of that worked, because he doesn't say anything, and we still don't have sex often.

Recently, (now a year after seeing that first message) I noticed that she was still on his friends list. I didn't say anything and I let it go. Last week while he was at work, someone im'd him. I didn't recognize the screen name. Later that night I casually let him know that he had received a message from (insert SN here). He said he didn't know who it was probably just spam, he gets that a lot and next time I should just reply. So I let it go again.

Tonight I saw that he only had 5 friends on his IM list. That SN was one of them. He doesn't IM that often but I know the list was updated because my SN was there. So, I went ahead and entered the unknown SN into the myspace finder and found that it was her. His ex.

This all seems really stupid. Part of me says I'm being super parnoid but the rest of me says, why would she continue contacting him if he never answers? I have no proof that he responds. I'm not trying to be the nosy girlfriend. I honestly found most of this stuff on accident. But if I bring anything up I will sound like the nosy girlfriend. He doesn't respond well to anything. I should add that his communication skills are more than lacking. He doesn't say much at all and when confronted with a problem his solution is always "If your so unhappy then why don't you just leave."

What am I supposed to do or think? I'm so lost. PLEASE HELP!

 

I should add that when we first got together he informed me that all of his exes had cheated on him and that was a deal breaker. He also said that he would never do that because he didn't understand why anyone would go looking for what they can get at home.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hmmm. This is a toughie. Are there any other signs of cheating? Like unaccounted for absenses, caught in other lies, etc?

 

You're not just paranoid. He is being cagey and secretive. Anyone would trust less with that going on.

[bnd610]

Well, I'm not sure if there are times unaccounted for. We used to work at the same place but I was currently laid off. It would have been easy for me to check if he was working before but now not so much.

I can say that he has been working longer hours recently (he never had a set schedule) but he comes home every night.

 

There is one other thing. When I was working I was working insane hours (always different, never home on time) due to a promotion. One morning I found a used comdom on the floor. Not the whole condem just the ring. I was in the middle of waking him when I found it and he just said he didn't know. We havn't used those in at least 8 mos because I was put on the pill. My one friend said that he could have been messing around with one (we still have them in the house). But at 31 years old!? I didn't really think so.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Well, I'm not sure if there are times unaccounted for. We used to work at the same place but I was currently laid off. It would have been easy for me to check if he was working before but now not so much.

I can say that he has been working longer hours recently (he never had a set schedule) but he comes home every night.

 

I think that you're going to have to decide to either trust or not trust, in order to save yourself some grief.

 

Also, have you had an honest to goodness talk with him? 'I know you're talking to your ex girlfriend, and you're not telling me the truth about it. Why?' Then let him answer and go from there.

 

You're going to get nowhere without talking to him about it very straightforwardly.

[bnd610]

I agree but he's so hard to talk to. I guess I'm just scared. We rarely ever fight and when we do its about stupid things. The two times it wasn't it was almost a relationship ender because he is that stubborn. I don't think cheating is a deal breaker depeneding on the circumstances. Once with an unknown could be forgivable. Once with an ex, harder. More than that though and its over. Maybe I'm just scared of the truth.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Maybe I'm just scared of the truth.

 

Bingo. You hit it on the head. Don't feel bad. Anyone would be!

[Xplode]

can i just say quickly..

 

*sigh* you sound like a girl at my work. - she is 27 and going out with a 42yr old.

 

You are young, you have the world in your hands (so do i lol 21 great age). She suspected cheating.. well it was obvious.. less obvious than yours.

 

Why do you wait around... and how come your so hung up on a guy so much older. when there would be 200million others on planet earth aged between 22-26, with so much more going for them, ready to establish a life with you. rather than expect you to adapt to their baggage? as far as im concerned you have the power/leverage. Ask him straight, are u cheating? i found this this and this. - this needs to change, and 1 more indecent and see you later jack.

 

Hope he doesnt turn out like a * * * * *

X-

[PsychGirly]

Ok, a few things...

 

First off, if you truly believe that you aren't a "nosy" person, then it can't be pure coincidence that you're getting all these signs & feelings that he's screwing around. If you do snoop through his stuff & sign on his sn/myspace to just see what he's doing, then you really need to 1) get the heck out of this relationship, & 2) stop that behavior.

 

You found a used condom in your home, & you KNOW you haven't used condoms with him for 8 months? I honestly don't know how you just decided to disregard that whole situation. That would be a total dealbreaker for me ON THE SPOT. I wouldn't even wanna hear an explanation. Even if you're messing around with a condom at 31yrs old, then you have even deeper issues.

 

If I were you I'd re-evaluate the relationship. Take some time to think whether it's worth fighting for. It seems like he doesn't care about you as much as you do. If you open yourself up to him & tell him you're upset, & all he does is tell you to leave, that should be enough for you to walk away.

 

Don't waste your time on shady, careless people. You're never gonna figure him out. You need to be somewhere where you feel you belong. Right now, you're feeling like you're out of place & things just don't seem right. That, alone, should answer everything.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

There is one other thing. When I was working I was working insane hours (always different, never home on time) due to a promotion. One morning I found a used comdom on the floor. Not the whole condem just the ring. I was in the middle of waking him when I found it and he just said he didn't know. We havn't used those in at least 8 mos because I was put on the pill. My one friend said that he could have been messing around with one (we still have them in the house). But at 31 years old!? I didn't really think so.

 

Ok, there is your evidence. He is cheating on you. That is a dealbreaker. You cannot dismiss that.

 

Have the honest talk. Or at least decide what this relationship is doing for you and what it's doing TO you. That will hopefully give you some food for thought.

[bnd610]

I guess hearing it from other people it does seem obvious doesn't it? I will talk to him.

 

PS I don't sign into his account I just look at his page and he's logged into his email all day long. But you are very right about feeling out of place and not cared for.

[PsychGirly]

I guess hearing it from other people it does seem obvious doesn't it? I will talk to him.

 

PS I don't sign into his account I just look at his page and he's logged into his email all day long. But you are very right about feeling out of place and not cared for.

 

I would also stumble upon my ex-bfs open page, aim, myspace account, etc., but unless I really FELT like something was wrong, I wouldn't just go through his stuff for the heck of it.

 

What I'm trying to say is, if you find yourself constantly snooping, you either have a really bad habit that needs to be fixed, or something's really going on with him & your gut tells you that, which in that case--you should walk out, not sit there & torture yourself.

[blue69]

When you take the combined look at all the little "signs" most people can't help but make a conclusion. Honestly it just doesn't bode well. You need to have a serious discussion with this partner. Confessing is not easy for people.

 

You are not paranoid. You are not delusional. You have every right to be concerned about this relationship (and your health).

 

Are you willing to work on this relationship if he indeed has been cheating? You need to prepare yourself for the truth. If he does confess then how will you react? You need to plan for the worst. Try to separate your finances immediately. Figure out where you (or he) will go. Try to build your independence back up.

 

The best suggestion I can give you is to remain as calm as you can possibly be. If you fall apart, become emotional you will never get the answers you deserve. You just be confident and matter of fact in your "discussions" with him.

 

I wish / hope I am wrong. But honestly it just doesn't sound right. You have every right to bring this topic up. Just prepare yourself ahead of time as best you can.

 

Good luck.