He's married, I'm in love...God help me (LONG)

[lingling]

Hi Everyone,

I've been a member for a few days now, and I have started this post a hundred times, but never had the nerve to go through with it. I worry that what I have to say will come out wrong, and that I will sound like a terrible person, but I'm not.

 

On to my story, I guess...

It all started five years ago when I went to work for this major corporation that is located in the city where I live. I met and became friends instantly with a man that worked there who is married (has been for seven years) and has a six-year-old son. We are not cubicle mates or anything, we work in different departments, but we work on projects together all the time, and spend a lot of time together. We were instantly friends, and "clicked" right away...never had that awkward "get to know you" phase, you know? We were comfortable right from the start.

 

Well, we spent a lot of time talking, A LOT, and found out so much about each other. One day about three years ago, out of the blue, I realized that I was in love with this guy...and I was devastated. I fought it with everything I had...I kept telling myself he was married, that it was wrong, but I still couldn't help the way I felt whenever I was around him. I started making excuses not to be around him, it got to be so tough. During all this time, I continued to date steadily, and still do...

 

Finally, one day I couldn't take it anymore...he was wondering why I was "distant" and not talking to him, so early that morning before anyone came in we had coffee...and I told him how I felt. He said he knew, that he had always known, and that it was okay...that I needed to say what I said. He said it didn't change anything, that we were still friends, and that we would be "even closer than before." But he told me that he could never leave his wife and son. The thing is...he never said he didn't have feelings for me, he never said he didn't care about me...none of that. He just said he couldn't leave her.

 

The thing is, ever since that time, we HAVE become closer...emotionally, but not physically. Nothing has ever happened physically, except for a few hugs on occasion (but nothing really intimate). I've never made a pass at him, and I WON'T...I just can't do that. But we talk more and more all the time, we know so many things about each other that no one else knows...we argue like a couple, only we don't have the make-up sex...lol. The thing is, I'm just so confused...if he knew I had feelings for him, why didn't he do something to stop it? He still talks to me every day, doesn't let his wife know that he's talking to me, keeps emails/notes, etc., a secret from her, even though they are in no way intimate...hell, he even PARKS next to me every day at work...has for the last four years. He says nothing will ever happen, but then I get all these "mixed signals," like he wants me in his life in a certain way, but then he doesn't. Every guy I go out with he criticizes and acts jealous about...if he's JUST MY FRIEND, as he claims to be, why does he give a damn?

 

Whenever I back off and try to stay away from him, he will tell me he "misses talking to me," and bring me right back. Whenever I try to find things to keep me away from him, to keep me occupied, he'll ask me for help with some account/project so we can be together...I hate that I give in, but I love him...God help me, I love him.

 

I guess I just want to know if maybe someone can tell me, from their experience or someone they know whose had this experience...what does this guy want from me? I don't think it's just sex...there's been plenty of opportunity for that. I hate to say it, but I love him so much, and I'm weak...and we are definitely attracted to each other. So I don't know...I'm just so confused about it all.

 

Thank you for listening...

[AXYSSALLY]

Its really good that you have respect for his marriage. You cant help that you love him. You tried to distance yourself and you said you would never make a pass etc. But you want to know what he wants from you. Well there might be a few things. First, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may just want to be your friend. He may not have said he didnt have the same feelings for you because maybe he didnt want to hurt your feelings. But even if this is so, and even though you have been very respectful, he shouldnt maintain a close friendship with someone whom he knows loves him and hes married. Im willing to bet his wife would be pissed if she knew. Its playing with fire. This leads me to believe that its possible that your an ego boost to him. Im not trying to give negative attributes to him....but by getting closer with you its almost like a tease..like hes playing games with you. He may just be clueless and doesnt realize all of this. I dont know. I think that for your own benefit it would be a good idea to not be as close. Keep it a simple working relationship...be friendly..but keep your distance.

[ensign_19]

hi my love, I am in no way a councillor or anything but i have had a very similar experience with a married man, so i understand when you say how much you feel love for him and so on.

 

My advice would be definitely to keep a professional distance towards him nd not to encourage him (its hard to do but its for the best). I feel he likes the attention he is getting from you and that does something for his self-esteem and flatters him But you have to be careful...its seems like a time bomb waiting to happen....one day both of you might just lose your inhibitions and take it furthur because off all the sexual tension going on between you...and you do not want that to happen ...it will be the road to ruination.

 

there are lots of other nice people around,,dont think he is the only one you get along best with.. go out, socialise, distract yourself and you will honestly start finding him less interesting and attractive than you do now. keep limits in your head about the kind of partner you would like such as he must be unmarried, he must be kind and confident etc. and stick to those boundaries.

 

also think of the moralty behind this. marriage is a very sacred oath and committment. think of his wife and son everytime you fell the urge to carry on with him furthur. you wouldnt like it if it was done to you...rite? and never ever believe a man when he says he is not intimate with his wife at all. in this situation it just stands out as a blatant lie said to keep you interested in him.

 

sorry if any thing i have said might have offended you or if i have missed the point. But best of luck in evrything you do. and never give a man the chance to let you down.

[lingling]

Thank you so much for responding...the input helps. And I do understand that I need to keep the relationship professional, and I try so hard to do that. But it's so difficult when he does these little things...and the thing is, he will do these things whenever I seem to be really interested in someone else. Like right now, there's this engineer at another firm that I've dated a few times...nothing serious yet, but who knows? Well, since "the subject of this post" found out, he's been talking to me more than usual, commenting on how he hates it when I'm away from the office and not there, even going so far as to wear shirts that he KNOWS I think he looks especially good in (he knows because I had commented on them before...sometimes even years before) and the thing is, some of this stuff I haven't seen him wear in ages; now all of a sudden it's appearing. See what I mean? It's just little stuff like that that confuses me so...it's like he can't have a relationship with me, but he doesn't want me to have a relationship with anyone else...make sense? That's why I'm still trying to figure out what he WANTS...I thought it might be the ego thing, but I've not been giving him that much-needed ego boost in quite some time...maybe he's trying to get that back? I don't know, but I DO know that I can't live my life waiting for him to decide what he wants.