meinreallife Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 My story has been on these pages before. Basically I had an emotional affair with a wonderful women that ended last May. I can't let go.... We went NC for 3 months and she contacted me. We exchanged a few emails and phone calls, but I ended it again because I am trying to save my marriage. We went NC again Three months later on New Year's Eve she sent me a very nice, sweet, personal email. I will be honest, I have thought about her every single day, but I had slowly been letting her go, slowly letting myself think of her with someone else. When her email came through I could not read it for two days. I refused to. When I did a flood of emotion came back to me. I did not respond for a week. Then I did. I told her I still cared about her. Now she has not responded back. What kind of stupid fool am I? Now I am a total wreck at work again. I just spent twenty minutes in the bathroom trying not to lose it completely. AAAAAHHH! I need to be on the NC train again. I hate starting over. I guess one day at a time. Please send your support. I want so to be happy again. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 You may have to see though the reasons of why you cannot let go. Letting go is really accepting what is at this moment. There is no relationship at the moment. What is real is the desire to have what you do not have. That desire can cause you alot of suffering. We all do this but it is to what extent we allow this to dominate our lives determines our dysfunction and thus our level of suffering. Link to comment
meinreallife Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks John. You are right and I know it. I know there is no relationship, it's too bad my right brain or heart or wherever our emotions come from can't accept that yet. I have not posted on ENA for sometime. Today I needed to because I have no where else to go. I'm glad you were the first one to respond, I have found help in your words before. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Well, I'm glad I could help. "Argue for your limitations and you get to keep them" Richard Bach, Illusions You can let go- Feel free to PM me anytime if you "get the way" we all get from time to time. Link to comment
dur-LiveIt Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Hey Meinreallife, Not meaning to sound flip here, but, why did you not post this on the infidelity thread? Just curious. Link to comment
whychoosecrazy Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Suffering is the resistance to what is... Link to comment
whychoosecrazy Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Meinreallife, I actually just joined today because of you. You are what I am facing in my life, now, today. Except, I am the other side. I am the wife. The wife who doesn't want to blame herself that her husband forgot he was married, the wife who knows we had issues in our marriage, but didn't know they were that bad (not expressed to her/in the dark)...I am the other side of the grass is greener...I am the side of the fence that was not enough, not worthy, not respected enough to be given a little dignity or respect enough to just leave me if I am not the happiness or newness or freshness or ease or excitement or the vacation because I am real life and I have been married to my husband for as long as he has been married to me (14 yrs) and I too have been lonely and sad and wanted a greater connection (3 kids)....but, I don't understand why if I am in exactly the same boat...the same marriage, the same disconnect...why? Why would infedelity be the option...and everyone says, "You don't look for it, I didn't seek this out" "It just happened" "You cannot control your emotions"...these are the excuses I get from my children for their indescretions...they are children...at what point do we...we adults...join the adult world and realize we are responsible for everything...every thought, emotion, action, everything that is us...I am responsible for my life...me...noone else, so if I am unhappy, I say so, I could run out and get and Tom, Richard, or Harry who just "understands me" and "gets me" and it is all "so exciting" and "new" and "easy and effortless" and either Tom, Richard, or Harry could become my heartstring, my hope for life, make me feel more alive...........I am not as angry as I sound. I am trying to understand. I just don't understand. I don't understand how I am in the same marriage and I didn't forget I am a wife, his lover, his friend, the mother of his children...so how did he forget? What makes him special? I pose this to you because you are my husband of the past...he too could not let her go and thought of her and he would moan in his sleep and I had to care for him and his agony and understand. Now, there has been no contact for 5 months as far as I know...but if he feels how you express you feel (and of course wouldn't be telling me just as you don't tell your wife)? OMG...I would die because I have a right to honesty and a life and respect and dignity because I am a person a human, just as fallable, but if my husband is tortured like you? It is so unfair. It is so unfair if his fight to "try" with me is in vain. I would rather be with Tom, Richard, or Harry than be with a man who cannot give me what is humanly, decently, fair....and that is...an honest chance, a real shot at being a part of his inner sanctum. Of course it is easy with someone else and feels so good...there is no risk there because it is not real or real life...why it is called an affair for a reason. It would not have been an affair or affair type circumstances if you would have simply left your wife first. Your wife is living in a prison she can feel, but you have not told her...have you? Maybe you could let her decide what is best for her. Please help me. I am trying to understand you Link to comment
sandrawg Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Wow! Honey my heart goes out to you. This was very well-spoken and well-thought-out. You have pinpointed more than one serious problems in our society today. First off, people not taking responsibility for their actions. Secondly, people not living up to their commitments. Since when was entering into the institution of marriage such a frivolous endeavor?? Thirdly, "the grass is greener"-hey OP, I bet if you moved in with this woman you had the emotional affair with, you'd find she has just as many faults, flaws, quirks, eccentricities, lame behavior, rules, obligations, boundaries, etc. as your wife. You're just enthralled with her cuz you're not close enough or intimate enough to see her warts. Sorry, I have a chip on my shoulder about this stuff cuz my ex-h left me high and dry after 12 yrs because I got sick, and I recently found out he had an affair, I guess cuz I was just "not available to him"-hellllooo, I was SICK! And it's just scummy and traumatic to be treated this way-no one deserves to be treated so selfishly. Link to comment
whychoosecrazy Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Did you feel like you were the glue holding the marriage together, so when you got sick, of course, you would feel as though he would "be there" for you just as you would have been there for him... Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 This belongs in the infidelity section. I don't want to read this when I'm coming to heal from a legitimate breakup. This stuff makes me even more cynical. Stop being a douchebag, OP, and cut this woman out of your life. Block her from everything. Have a filter in your email where messages from her are automatically deleted or sent to the trash. Good luck trying to save your marriage. I really think your brain is in the right place...now get your heart to embrace your vows and you'll be set. Link to comment
whychoosecrazy Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 sorry...no more commments here...don't be cynical Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 This belongs in the infidelity section. I don't want to read this when I'm coming to heal from a legitimate breakup. This stuff makes me even more cynical. Stop being a douchebag, OP, and cut this woman out of your life. Block her from everything. Have a filter in your email where messages from her are automatically deleted or sent to the trash. Yeah, really. Why is this here? Link to comment
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