Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Background: Been with my wife for 5 years (aged 18 - 23) we got married in May 08 and split on boxing day. She says she doesn't love me in the way I need her to and wants to go and experience life on her own... Problem: I can't let go, I know its not been long since the split but i spend all day thinking about her, I'm emotionally crippled. I can't go out and enjoy myself I either end up crying my eyes out or getting into a fight by the end of the night. I've been with her since I left home aged 19, I've never lived on my own without her always being there so now everytime I go home I feel really alone which, again, makes me really emotional. I live in our 'Marital' home which is a constant reminder of her. I also work for her parents company, who I get on with (still) really well and have told me I dont need to worry about leaving, my job will always be safe, the only problem is that the office is attached to their house (where she has moved back in to) and thats just another constant reminder. I cant stop thinking about her, cant eat, cant sleep and its driving me mad!!! How do I let go? Link to comment
surfjon Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Bro..... I got dumped July of 07, we were married 20 years, together for 24. Our divorce was final May 2008. It was and has been the hardest thing I've ever done....... You want to heal?? You MUST ACCEPT, I repeat .... ACCEPT that she is gone and begin the hard work of recovery and healing. Unless you accept it, you will writhe in pain. You MUST go N/C unless there are kids. Read here, post, take up a new hobby, punch a wall....anything. Remember this..."Let go or be dragged". Many of us here have been thru it, PM me if you want. Peace.... Jon Link to comment
george237 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Get a new job asap. If you have any vacation time left there use it as a time to go on interviews. What are you going to think when she starts bringing a new guy around the house when your working there. Accept that it is over and you will realize that you are better off. Enjoy your single life and sell the house. Link to comment
riley123 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I agree with George. Your entire life is built around her. The only way to change that is to make changes. Not being around her, her family, and memories of her in your house will help you move on. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks for the posts. Easy to say, very hard to do... Nice to know other people have been through it and come out the other side though. No matter how hard I try i cant stop thinking about her, its ruining my motivation to do anything. I go to the gym 4 times a week which is usually my release but lately I just look around, see other women and remember im going home alone. Its getting stupid, im not normally a publicly emotional person, I tend to reflect in the privacy of my own home but lately I just seem to break down anywhere and everywhere... The gym, the supermarket, work... That cannot be normal! I feel like the im not the person I once was, all my plans were with her, all my memories are with her, my friends who I used to think of as my family have barely shown an interest in my feelings since it happened and seem to have the attitude of 'is he still going on about that, just let it go!!' It just makes me feel like I've been living a lie and I dont know who I am anymore. Is this a normal thing to go through or am I just losing the plot? Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 george/Riley. Yeah I would love to!! Only problem is if I left my job I would be taking fairly substantial paycut (I've already looked around) and because of the current housing crisis in the UK I cant afford to leave my house. So i'm stuck! the only way out is the army! (very seriously considering) Link to comment
george237 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 How long ago did she leave you? You are still in a greiving stage which will pass. After this you will be angry at her, then happy with yourself, followed by haveing no feelings for her. You need to take steps to move yourself along. You really need to get a new job and sell the house. You must also realize that friends are there for you but friends don't want to listin to your woes all the time. I talked to my friends once or twice and then kept to myself, but thats me and not you. Link to comment
george237 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 george/Riley. Yeah I would love to!! Only problem is if I left my job I would be taking fairly substantial paycut (I've already looked around) and because of the current housing crisis in the UK I cant afford to leave my house. So i'm stuck! the only way out is the army! (very seriously considering) Who cares if there is a paycut. If I was you I would jump at the first thing that came my way. For your house, you can rent it out or foreclose. Who cares you are going to be miserable in it anyway so why do it to yourself. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Yes, it is normal to think of them alot. There is nothing wrong with calling up the memories that we have. The problem comes about when those memories induce unpleasant emotions. Emotions that produce further thoughts along the same lines and the cycle keeps going. If you call up those memories (most of us perceive that they just appear), and realize that they are just images and not real, the unpleasant emotions will diminish. Without those unpleasant emotion, the feedback cycle of thoughts-to-emotions-to-thoughts and so on, will be broken. It needs to be said that once you have a thought or emotion, you need to accept for it is real. But seeing them for what it is, fleeting and not a psrt of who you are, without judging them or yourself for having them, they can dissapate without much of an unpleasant response. Listen to surfjon about acceptance. He knows of what he speaks. "I can't let go" Argue for your limitations and you get to keep them- Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 George: I wouldn't care, but financial ruin is just going to add to my problems if i sell the house, I'll lose thousands and wont be able to get anywhere else. If I quit my job and take a paycut I wont be able to pay the bills (tight already). I have 3 options... Stay put, Bankruptcy or the Army. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 John: Appreciate the insight! thanks. Link to comment
george237 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Then bankruptcy. Let me tell you something. If you don't make a change you will be feeling the same way you do now a year form now. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Ok, I agree. I have just done my numbers quickly... I can afford to lose the house but only if I keep the job. Will it be enough or is a complete fresh start needed? Link to comment
george237 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Ok, I agree. I have just done my numbers quickly... I can afford to lose the house but only if I keep the job. Will it be enough or is a complete fresh start needed? If you loose the house couldn't you find somewhere cheaper to live? I am sure your mortgage is quite expensive compared to renting in the same area. I would change your job then loose the house, since some employers check your credit Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 not really I bought this place at a very low price and had a big deposit (which is why I stand to lose thousands). The difference in monthly payments would be around £200, and the paycut would be alot more than that. Link to comment
george237 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 You are going to have to pay her for her half of the house anyway, since you were married. So either way you loose thousands. I am going through the same thing with my house. While mine doesn't remind me of her I have it up for sale now just because her name is on it and it gives her a reason to stay in my life. Link to comment
Viper55666 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 yeah thats my point dont care about the house. can lose that and cut my losses but cant leave the job at least until I finish my degree. Link to comment
aeschylus Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Yes, I think many of us know exactly what you are feeling. Your post is almost identical a section of the journal I kept during my worst times. What you are feeling is lonely. And it is awful. I found myself crying at work, at the vet's office, all over the place. It just hurt so bad. I know what it feels like to be talking about something and realize suddenly that everying is "We" and "Our" instead of "I" and "My." That you still talk like you are a couple when you aren't. That your life moving forward is suddenly empty where before you had hopes, dreams and aspirations all with this one person. I wish I could say it gets better fast. But it doesn't. You absolutely must get out and talk to people, you'll be surprised that people are more willing to listen than you think...Your friends are uncomfortable with your pain - but I would guess they will listen if you acknowledge that it isn't easy for them either. It's not weird or strange to feel this way. Link to comment
george237 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 yeah thats my point dont care about the house. can lose that and cut my losses but cant leave the job at least until I finish my degree. Look harder for a new job, even a different field. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.