kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I'm not sure where to post this. Parenting, personal, emotional, suicide (not quite) whatever. I have three kids. My oldest (female) is 22, middle one is male (20). Youngest (male) is 15. I am separated, soon to be divorced. Lost my job six months ago. My 20 year old son 'came out' last year. I always knew he was gay, maybe from the age of six on. It was still difficult for me to deal with, but I was ready for it. Today I was attaching a file to an email on my home computer. I noticed that my 15 year olds chat logs were there. In summary: My 15 year old is obviously gay too. I am just devastated by this. I never saw it coming. So many things have gone wrong in my life over the last few years. And now more 'bad' news. I really need help dealing with this. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I know they didn't choose to be that way, I accept it. I think I feel screwed over with both of sons being gay. Link to comment
stranded247 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 what is wrong with you're other son being gay? I know it must be tough because its not what you expected at all or possibly even wanted for them because its not easy being gay in this society but to be honest people are a lot more open and liberal about it than they previously were. I mean the only reason I can imagine you are devestated for is that you had expectations about his future and are now disappointed by his homosexuality because it in some ways alters you're hopes for him. Also I'd like to point out that he is not indefinitely gay, teens experiment all the time, I have friends who have been convinced they were gay/lesbian and then discovered they wern't. At 15 you can't be totally sure, he may just be unsure of his sexuality and thereforee experimenting. Link to comment
In Limbo Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 don't hate yourself..Its nothing to be ashamed of..Some of my best friends are gays & mind you they have really achieved more than my straight friends. Whats the problem if they are gays??This is 21st century madam, please stop stigmatizing people based on their sexual orientation.That's regressive and condemnable. See a therapist to cure your prejudice and be a good & understanding mother. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 The only way you've screwed anything up is if you don't give them your love, your support, and your wisdom. Teach them to be strong, confident, and make healthy choices. I understand how this is a shock to you. We can all be open minded and fair about the situation because we don't know what it is like. You seem phobic or something outwardly, but these are your children and you're just reacting to them growing up, changing, being at risk, etc. Give them the support others won't. Link to comment
purple frog Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Do you feel you are missing out on something by finding out that they are gay? Surely as a father you love them as the people that they are - while it might come as a surprise, why does it need to be a 'bad' one? Link to comment
jengh Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 don't hate yourself..Its nothing to be ashamed of..Some of my best friends are gays & mind you they have really achieved more than my straight friends. Whats the problem if they are gays??This is 21st century madam, please stop stigmatizing people based on their sexual orientation.That's regressive and condemnable. See a therapist to cure your prejudice and be a good & understanding mother. I don't think the OP is putting an unnecessary stigma on their child's sexual orientation. I think it's just come as a shock, unexpected. I didn't get any sort of prejudice from the original post. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I don't think the OP is putting an unnecessary stigma on their child's sexual orientation. I think it's just come as a shock, unexpected. I didn't get any sort of prejudice from the original post. Yes. it's a shock. And likely a difficult life for both of my sons. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Do you feel you are missing out on something by finding out that they are gay? Surely as a father you love them as the people that they are - while it might come as a surprise, why does it need to be a 'bad' one? Yes. I feel I am missing something. Or lost a chance at something. Not sure what, maybe a traditional family? Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 ^ That's not an unusual feeling. As it stands in society now there are a lot of differences your sons will go through, and there is a pride factor as a father to sons. I think time will help you feel less uneasy. Link to comment
perplunk Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hate to be frank... But what would be so great about them having heterosexual relationships? Your's hasn't worked out. If I were you I'd just be glad that at least one has been forward about it to his family. That should likely give the second one courage to do the same. All you can hope for is that they be happy, and having to hide yourself because of the reactions of a bigoted and hateful society can't be good for someone. At the very least they will feel comfortable with themselves around family. I've found nothing rewarding about being heterosexual. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to face bigots everyday simply because of sexual preference. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 ^ ... there is a pride factor as a father to sons.... Agreed. There is an element of failure and the thought that I 'caused' this. Irrational as that might be. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hate to be frank... But what would be so great about them having heterosexual relationships? Only that is accepted. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to face bigots everyday simply because of sexual preference. Which is one of my concerns. Link to comment
purple frog Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 ^ That's not an unusual feeling. As it stands in society now there are a lot of differences your sons will go through, and there is a pride factor as a father to sons. I think time will help you feel less uneasy. Completely agree with this. I wouldn't, however, jump to any conclusions about your younger son's sexuality. Teenagers do like to experiment with their sexual feelings, and with newly-acquired puberty hormones flying all over the place it's quite normal to be confused. Either way, I hope with time that you will come to realise that while things might not be just as you imagined for them, they will certainly not be any worse. Why do you think that it will be a difficult life for them? A few generations ago, maybe, but not these days. It sounds as if they are both comfortable with who they are, and that says a lot about the way they have been brought up Link to comment
Blanco Nino Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I propose that your sons give you a makeover and do up your new pad so you can get a sweet job and a hot wife. Seriously, it will be either great or terrible and it's on your shoulders as the parent. Just be cool and do the right thing. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I propose that your sons give you a makeover and do up your new pad so you can get a sweet job and a hot wife. Seriously, it will be either great or terrible and it's on your shoulders as the parent. Just be cool and do the right thing. Funny and salient. Move to the front of the class. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Why do you think that it will be a difficult life for them? Because I am an old fool that remembers how things use to be, and doesn't believe that society, as a whole, has turned a new leaf in one generation. There are still gay bashers and haters out there. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 ^ Definitely. And even if they never meet a homophobe, they will still feel the overall sense that they aren't 100% welcome. But are ANY of us 100% welcom? We all have something that makes us a target. Link to comment
Pocket Rocket Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Because I am an old fool that remembers how things use to be, and doesn't believe that society, as a whole, has turned a new leaf in one generation. There are still gay bashers and haters out there. If you think about it, there was a time when someone's skin colour was enough to exclude them, and people were dead set on making your life a misery if you happened to be anything but white. These days those people are a minority, they still exist but they're a minority that's often frowned upon. Hopefully the same will happen with people's opinion of the LGBT community, bigots will become a minority even though they won't disappear. We've come a really long way in a very short space of time, but there's still a long way to go, especially because of the deep stigma, sterotypes and 'sinfulness' associated with being any other orientation but straight. With time and gentle persuasion things will change. When my father found out I'm bi, his first reaction was to think they (my parents) had done something wrong bringing me up. They didn't, and you too didn't 'turn' your sons into who they've become either, many factors influence that. Are you sure your second son is gay? Sexuality can be fluid and you never know, he could be bi unless he says otherwise. This doesn't mean that if he's bi he'll pick a woman as a life partner, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he too may choose a male partner to share his life with. Link to comment
kermit Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 When my father found out I'm bi, his first reaction was to think they (my parents) had done something wrong bringing me up. I still wonder if that is possible, could I have 'caused' it? Could I have done something differently? Are you sure your second son is gay? I do not know for sure. Pretending to be gay online, and being gay are not the same thing. It certainly appears that he is. Link to comment
Pocket Rocket Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I still wonder if that is possible, could I have 'caused' it? Could I have done something differently? Well that's a massive responsibility to put on anyone, even you as a parent. I've known about my orientation from as early as 8 (might even be earlier but I can't remember beyond that). My parents treated me like any other girly girl. I had barbies and my little ponies, I wore dresses and skirts, I went to ballet, all my friends were practically girls, I didn't participate sports much, and my favourite disney movie was 'The Little Mermaid' - and yet I like girls. In fact, I first thought I was a lesbian, it was only much later i realised I like both men and women. I didn't even know what being gay or bisexual was then as I spent most of my early life up to my teens in heavily censored countries where homo/bisexuality was illegal. Could my parents have been an influence - sure, but then so was everything else, especially my own nature. The danger with asking such a question is it prompts another question - if i did this, could it be undone? No, it can't. What you can do is your best to support your sons and help them on the way to happiness. Not always a safe or easy journey but it's one worth being on. I do not know for sure. Pretending to be gay online, and being gay are not the same thing. It certainly appears that he is. Give it time, if your son is gay he will tell you when he's ready/sure. In the meantime, try to focus on how you feel and as one of the earlier posters had said, see if you can find an LGBT association that holds meetings for friends and family of LGBT individuals. you may find a little solace there. Link to comment
Cloudyday Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Because I am an old fool that remembers how things use to be, and doesn't believe that society, as a whole, has turned a new leaf in one generation. There are still gay bashers and haters out there. This may be true but at the very least you can help provide them with a safe haven at home. They may face difficulties in the outside world but it would be nice to have family who cares for them enough that their sexual orientation won't matter. Whether you agree with their lifestyle or not, they still are your sons and other than finding out they are gay, has anything else changed? Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I wonder how it is that both of your sons are gay.. My uncle recently found out that his daughter was a lesbian and he freaked out for a while. Now everyone is pretending like she never "came out"... I'm not saying to pretend like both of your sons aren't gay, but maybe trying to look beyond that and focus on other things will help.. Like my uncle focused on the fact that his daughter is doing very well in the navy and is getting her life in order. Focus on what positive things they are doing... And accept the fact that they're homosexual when you're ready. Honestly if I was in your position I would feel pretty bad as well. It's easier said then done, to just accept a lifestyle or your child's choice in spouses. Most parents can barely take it when there heterosexual child is having sex or dating. I guess that's the hard part about parenting... When your children don't take the paths you want them to, or when they make choices that you don't agree with, or that you don't think is best. Link to comment
purple frog Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 ^ Definitely. And even if they never meet a homophobe, they will still feel the overall sense that they aren't 100% welcome. But are ANY of us 100% welcom? We all have something that makes us a target. I'm going to keep quoting you and pretending that I could have said what I was going to say just as well But we're all going to come accross narrow-minded people who think they have the right to judge us for the way we live our lives. These are the people best avoided by us all anyway... and it's easy to remember that they are the ones at fault as long as you have friends and family who support who you are and the decisions you have made. And no, you couldn't have done anything differently. Link to comment
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