sdse71 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 My girlfriend just broke up with me a week ago last Tuesday. I explained everything in another post in the "Breaking Up" forum under the topic "Difficult Loss". Anyway, I have tried giving her some space since then. I wouldn't call except maybe every couple of days to see how her Christmas went or see how she was doing. She also did the same with me. I thought space was what she needed most. Anyway, New Years Eve she called asking what I was doing. I told her that I was going to a party, and she told me to have fun. She was going to see a friend's new born grand child. Turns out that night she called at midnight to tell me Happy New Year. She left a voice mail because I didn't have a phone signal at the time. Anyway, she sounded either tired or down. I really couldn't tell and didn't want to read too much into that. I called her back around 10 that morning to tell her Happy New Year, but she still didn't sound quite right. Then later that afternoon the most unexpected thing happened. She called me (sounding like her old happy self) and asked me if I wanted to go do something with her this Saturday night. I told her that I would love to. So, now, I'm trying to figure out what this is about. When she broke up with me. she said we could still date, but I was thinking she may have been saying that to soften the blow. Plus, on Christmas, I asked to take her to see a movie that was coming out in Feb, but all she said was "We'll see". So, her asking me out for Sat. was a complete surprise, but I'm confused about what to make of it and what it really means if anything. I never thought she would be the one to ask me to go out and do anything. Also, could this be that she maybe wanting to reconcile? On one hand, I almost don't see coming to me about reconciling (but I didn't think she would be the one to ask me out either), but on the other hand, I also don't see her asking me out for Sat if it doesn't mean anything because of the break up being so fresh and she knows how I much I love her. It could send the wrong signals, and I don't see her doing anything that could give me false hope at this point. I know that when we go out, I'm just going to be my old self and have fun. Let her see the side of me that she fell in love with. I was also thinking that right now if there is going to be any talk about reconciling that I should let her be the one to bring it up. The last thing I want is to push her away now that I have my foot in the door. I would appreciate any advise/guidance as to what her asking me out could mean and anything else I could do that might help us get back together. I am definitely a little confused. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Why don't you ask her what spending time together means? I mean, do you want to be just friends? I don't doubt that she misses you, but it doesn't mean that she wants to get back together. Spending time as just friends may impede your healing. Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 I see what you are saying. I think what makes it so confusing is that she asked me so close to when the break up occurred. I don't hear very often of someone breaking up with someone and then the next week asking them out, knowing they are very much still in love with them and while emotions are most likely still running high. I have seen it happen when someone wants to get back together though. If this had happened a month later, I don't think it would be so confusing because the emotions and everything else would have had more time to settle. It would be easier, but a week after breaking up? Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Another ex of mine (not the one who I reconciled with) did this to be constantly. We would spend time together, then we wouldn't. He said he missed me, wanted another chance, then he didn't, etc. In the end, he didn't want to be with me. He missed me a lot and that was confusing to him. He basically didn't know how to let me go. We would have remained in "limbo-land" for a very long time if I hadn't finally said enough is enough. I realized that I was worth a lot more than what he was able to give. Just because they miss you and like you as a person, doesn't mean they want to have a loving and fullfilling relationship. Some people just have a hard time letting go. Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 I'm just confused. I could see or understand if the break up had happened a month ago, but only just over a week just seems so soon, especially after she seemed like she needed space more than anything. I've tried giving that to her. Another thing is that the whole break up just didn't seem right. Everyone could see how much we loved each other and always commented on how perfect we were together. I did make it clear to her that she is the woman of my dreams even when the break up happened. I spoke from the heart and told her that everytime I'd look at another woman all that I would see is her, everytime I heard another woman's voice all I would hear is her's, and evertime I would be around another woman all I would be able to think about is her. I told her that I would always love her. So, yeah, I think she knows what I feel and what I want. I know what I want more than ever and that's her. I just want to get her back the right way, and get it right this time. There is a big part of me that does hope she's had second thoughts. Btw, she called earlier and asked if I had my daughter. Her and some of our friends are going out tonight and she wanted to know if I wanted to go. Obviously, I couldn't since I've got my daughter. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I understand it's confusing. There will be many, many things that won't make sense to you and that you won't understand. It's very confusing and complicated because we're not them and everyone thinks differently. Why don't you ask her what spending time means? It seems that everyone is afraid to ask this question. It can be quite liberating really. If she doesn't think it's going to work, you can move on and heal. If she does, you two can slowly begin to rebuild your relationship. Either way, it's win win, right? I mean you don't want to be someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve? Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 The impression I got was this tomorrow night is more than just spending time. It sounded like a date she wanted. Of course, it could just be me with the state of mind I'm in. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Well enjoy your time, and maybe tomorrow we will have more information so that we can continue to provide you w/guidance. Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Thank you very much, blue. I'm sure you can tell nothing or no one has meant more to me than she does. Would you agree that if there is any talk about reconciliation tonight that it should be her to bring it up? Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I know that you deeply love her. Here's the deal; you can wait for her to bring up talk of reconciliation, but she may not broach the subject. Then, you have another "date" and it doesn't come up again. That's even more time that you're left wondering, hoping, analyzing, dwelling, sorting out the confusion. It's going to create a lot of unnecessary conflict and internal turmoil for you if you just keep waiting for her to bring it up. It will ultimately drive you crazy. I saw my ex after 1.5 years of NC. I didn't even know if it was a "date date" or just friends catching up. On our third "date" I asked if there was a chance for us. He said, yes. I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to get back together, but that I wanted to see where it leads. He agreed. If he would have said that there was no chance for us I would have said thanks, but no thanks. I couldn't simply be his friend. I had healed from our break-up. I wasn't going to chase him or hope that he changed his mind. Instead, I was going to let him go. I'm not saying that you have to have some long drawn-out relationship discussion. However, it may be nice for you to know why she's wanting to spend this time with you especially after she said that she needed space. Maybe you don't have to have this conversation the next time you're together, but I encourage you to have it sooner than later so that you're not left in limbo-land. All my best, Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 You make a very good point. I do intend to have that conversation with her, but I didn't want to bring it up too soon. Now, onto the date we had last Saturday. No, she never brought up the subject, but by her actions, I think there is a good possibility that things maybe getting back on track with us. The best part is that I seemed to be my old self for the first time in forever. We both laughed for most of the night. I was constantly making her laugh just like I use to. She was very affectionate with me also, and by the time we finished dinner, she even brought up going back to my place later. I wasn't really expecting that one... lol. Later, after we got to my place, we were laying there and I told her that I loved her. She didn't say it back, only kissing me on my chest where she had her head. I didn't expect her to say it though, but considering how well the whole night went, I was curious to see her reaction. I'm sure she's just still being a little guarded. She was also that way in the very beginning, but even then when she didn't say so, everyone could tell we were both in love with each other. That's the same way it was this past Saturday. I really came away feeling like she does still have some deep feelings for me, perhaps even still being very much in love with me. She even called me last night, and again, I had her dying laughing over the phone. As a matter of fact, she has been the one calling me the most lately. I think she has called about 5 times since Wed. compared to me calling her once or twice, which one of those calls I made was to find out when she wanted me to pick her up. She was also talking about us doing things in the future. Such as, in 2 weeks, my band is playing our first show of the year and she said we were going together and she couldn't wait to see me back on stage again. So, anyway, that's pretty much how it went. Quite a turn around considering a week ago she seemed like she just wasn't interested in being around me at all... lol. Would love to hear some feedback and what anyone may read into it. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I'm glad that you had a nice time. It sounds like a positive date. Sometimes when it goes very well they will pull back a bit so if/when that happens don't let it discourage you. Everyone pulls back from time to time. I wouldn't tell her anymore that you love her, try to take one day at a time. It's good that she's initiating the contact and suggesting spending time in the future. Just be super patient and respectful of her decisions and don't forget that you're on her timeline, which may progress slower than yours. Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Thank you very much. The good thing is, when I told her that I love her, she didn't back away. She remained affectionate even the next day when I took her home. I take that as a good sign. If there was nothing there, I think she would have backed off right then or said something to the effect of "I think you have the wrong idea". Something must still be there. Now, I'm not sure what to do next and how often I should initiate contact with her. I haven't talked with her since Sunday night. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Thank you very much. The good thing is, when I told her that I love her, she didn't back away. She remained affectionate even the next day when I took her home. I take that as a good sign. If there was nothing there, I think she would have backed off right then or said something to the effect of "I think you have the wrong idea". Something must still be there. Now, I'm not sure what to do next and how often I should initiate contact with her. I haven't talked with her since Sunday night. I agree; I feel that it's a positive sign that she remained affectionate following the "I love you." I wouldn't be concerned on the time; it's only been two days, which is nothing in the grand scheme of life. Just keep your eye on the bigger picture - spending a lifetime with the woman you love. In that perspective, two days is like a nanosecond. When we started talking again, about a month in my ex went ten days without talking. I believe it "freaked" him out, and it was (a concrete) turning point to the progression of our relationship. Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I really like the way you put things in to perspective. You're right. A few days between contact and the patience I must exhibit for now is nothing compare to getting to spend a lifetime with her. She is worth every bit of what I must do in order to get her back. What do I do now? That maybe a dumb question, but this is new territory for me. I've never tried to get anyone back before no matter who it was that did the breaking up. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 You do nothing for now. You're playing defense. Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Does that include not making contact? Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Good morning, She has initiated contact many times since the break-up so she doesn't have a problem doing so. Personally, I would let her process your last date. You don't want to scare her or pressure her. In addition, she is used to contact with you every few days; break the pattern and this will create interest. Besides, it's always sweeter when they come to you because you know that they actually want to contact you. Link to comment
sdse71 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Scaring her or pressuring her is the last thing that I want. Even though I didn't realize I was doing it, I think there were times later in the relationship where I made her feel pressured. That went against all of my core principals. It was like some sort of by-product of what I was going through with myself, but it certainly wasn't what I'm really about. So, what you're saying is that I should wait for her to contact me? The only reason I ask that is because she seems like she would think "I've been the one contacting him lately. Now, the ball's in his court. If he's still really interested, he can contact me.". Of course, I'm probably reading too much into it... lol. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 You said you love her so I think the ball is in her court. She clearly knows how you feel. If the interest is there a little more time apart won't hurt and it should make her wonder what's going on. Besides, she's the one who said she wanted space? I think you should continue NC for the time being. It would be nice to get someone elses opinion on your situation. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 How are you doing S? I assume that you haven't had any more contact with your ex? What do you want to do? Link to comment
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