Why all of the sudden, did this start bothering me?

[friendly advice]

Over the past week, I have experienced some major emotions. I guess to explain the cause of this, I have to go into detail. I am a single mother (30), raising my son by myself. I was working for a BIG company, 11 years in all. I hated it! After about 9 years of working there, I became very depressed. Needless to say, I was constantly getting hurt on the job. The final accident, left me to question, if this is where I want to be for the rest of my working years. Due to the accident, I couldn't return. I left with my retirement package.

 

I started back to college scared of the decision I had made. I keep telling myself, I can do this. In the mean time, I had to find a job. I started working in an entertainment bar, part time. It was great at first, after all, I only had to work 2 days to make what some people make working 2 weeks. I figured I could remain sane till I finish school. Now I am getting ready to graduate in June with honors. Everytime I try to go to work, I get upset. I am not a bad person, or dirty. I have my priorities in check at all times. Everyone that knows me, understands why I work where I work. They understand that I have to do this to pay bills. Believe me, my friends would let me know if I was acting out of character.

 

Through all of this, I was dating here and there. When I started dancing, I found it hard to be in a relationship, I felt like it would be disrespectful. I am a very loyal person when it comes to relationships. Even if the person does not mind, I still feel embarrassed.

 

Last Saturday, I had a very strange thing happen. I was out with friends after a game. I looked at the door, and in walks this delicious guy. As soon as he walked in, we locked eyes. I cannot even explain how deep it was. It continued to happen, everytime we seen each other till we started talking. Gentleman, is all I can say about this one. We hit it off right away. While talking he asked, "what I did for work?" I of course did not comment. After a few hours, he asked again. So I told him....he said, "that's ok." I know he didn't care, but it really bothered me to have to say that.

 

This past week I tried to go to work, I made it as far as the drive way on Tuesday. On Thursday, couldn't stomach being there. I had customers asking me what was wrong, I wanted to cry. I don't know what is happening. Having this encounter, made me start thinking how this job is effecting every aspect of my life. Why all of the sudden, did this start bothering me?

[EclipseXkim621]

You really have morals, that is why I think you are having these breakdowns. I know I'm only 18 and can't relate too much...but i mean my oldest brothers friend is a dancer with an 11 year old son...raising him alone also. She gets the same way... embarrassed and everything...but...if that is seriously is the only way to make ends meet...then what else can you do? It is very frusterating, but I can tell that you hve morals and that you are not what dancers are cracked up to be.. keep your spirts high...and do what you think you need to do to make it though. I cant say that quitting the job would be the best and that then everything will be fine...because thats just not reality. As hard as it may be...whats some other alternitives? Goodluck and keep us updated

[sidehop]

I'm not sure what type of job you were doing at this BIG company but it seems like the change in your career along with bad experience with your past at work, you may be scared being judged upon or not being able to get back in the path you want.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong. But also you sound like a very genuine person that wants to do the right thing and I kind of sense a perfectionism in part of you. You're not doing anything wrong, you actually did the right thing to leave what you didn't want to do. There's nothing wrong in working at an entertainment bar and if you know the person you are, being loyal, want to take care of your son, find a better career, what's wrong with that? You're obviously going in the right direction

 

Don't be afraid what people would think. You're not doing anything wrong...great job getting good grades at the college too! Good luck...

[neallo82288]

It sounds to me like you are facing the unknown future and it scares you. You said that you were finishing college and that is why your future is unclear. You do not know what lies ahead of you after you graduate. The dancing is paying the bills but you are having issues with self-respect and that sounds like a terrible dilema. Finish your schooling and start looking for work in your field and the self respect thing will take care of itself. You are to be commended for raising you child on your own and going to school and still paying the bills. This is an incredible feat and should make you proud. Have you talked to your child about the changes that you are going through. Children are resourceful in helping their parents and supporting their decisions. Your child is extremely proud of you and all that you have accomplished, but he may feel that your dancing is embarrising, but most children are embarrised by their parents.

 

Good Luck and Congratulations,

Neallo

[friendly advice]

Thanks all for the support, I need it. I think you hit it on target, Neallo. I was thinking about it and thought, maybe I am feeling this way because I know I have to start all over again. It feels like that is my life story, starting over. But then I think its because, I feel I am doing 80 things at once. As for my son, he does not have any idea I dance. My son is 10, he is my entire life. I would never want him to ever find that out. So I think this is another reason for my feeling this way. If I can only make it until graduation with this embarrassing job.

 

[routerx]

This is an advice and support board, so I'm going to give advice and support. Please note I'm simply saying what I feel based upon the best advice I can give.

 

I totally disagree with any support for continueing. Your kid WILL eventually find out. When he's 15, 20, or 25, he will know, either from you, a friend, or from one of your customers or their son. It's naive to think your son won't know about it.

 

Why should you continue with something if it's killing you? I think it bothers you because deep down inside you know that you have sold yourself short..

 

I think, and you probably now agree, that dancing for strangers may have gotten you the money you needed to advance yourself and take care of your kid, but you paid a bigger price for speed and convenience, you sold yourself out a little bit.

 

I do believe there are bigger reprocussions to come. Sooner or later, your kid is going to know what you did.

 

This is an advice board, so I'm sorry I'm not giving a supportive stance about your previous choice, but I can give you a supportive idea for the future.

 

Get rid of that job. Even if it is inconvenient, even if you have to put off studies or paying off college, the wait will be worth it. Chalk it up as a mistake.h