People who have gotten their loved one back plz reply!

[mr.sad]

Should I make contact? I know this seems forbidden by many of the people on this board.

 

My girlfriend of 3 years told me four days ago that she needed a break. I didn't handle it very well, I have only presented myself as a sad puppy, in the park where we broke up, on the phone tuesday, and wednesday when we got together to sort out some photos (actually just ended up talking in a parking lot). We're not going to see other people, neither of us is interested in that. This is mostly just a time for self reflection i believe, but she says she doesn't know how long this thing is going to last, and she said some very hurtful things to me... That I wish I had heard sooner.

 

Understand, both of us live with our parents still, and we're both 21. Both of us have stuck around because of each other, but I"ve always known this isn't enough in one's life. I see myself spending the rest of my life with her (I have not mentioned this to her, I am being careful, but this is something I have been thinking about for a long long time). She isn't sure how she feels anymore. We set up a time to meet in a little less then two weeks (these were my terms, so she could have some privacy). But I don't feel I've really made a very good impression to her, and just driven her away even further. She says she really needs to concentrate on school right now. I havn't been seeing much of her this past month, I guess because of how hard she is working, and these feelings that have been troubling both of us. Yes I realize NOW I have some issues i need to work out as well before I can be with her again, but I havn't said this to her. This has been a really huge kick in the stomach to me, we had troubles about two months ago but I thought things had been patched up. I see now I wasn't looking deeply enough into our relationship, being a positive support to her or taking well enough care of my own life.

 

She says she feels smothered by my love, and I can see now that she has been smothering me too. We've lost alot of friends while we were together these past three years, and neither of us have applied ourselves at school very much because of how much time we spend together. Of course, what she told me "she needed space" wasn't what I wanted to hear, and all I could do was handle it negatively and look for blame (mostly in her). She talked recently about going off to school in california, we had plans to move off together about six months ago, but I ended up failing a class and having to repeat it.... Perhaps i should've just taken the grade and moved on with her then, but she didn't seem very committed to helping me find a school that was right for both of us, and at this point I think both of us have some things we need to work out. She is very involved in the arts, painting and drawing especially and wants to transfer to an art school to learn charecter animation (like computer modeling), wheras at the time having not really been paying attention to my studies I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do. I realize now, as this particular field has been a child-hood interest of mine, and having taken some digital imaging classes now, I know that they are truly the only classes I have truly enjoyed and been able to make an effort in, and am firmly convinced this is the field I wish to explore also (I arrived at this conclusion before all of this came up, but just never shared it). I so much wish we could go off together, but if she needs to go by herself, I am ok with that now, I realize what is going on and am not casting this break in a negative image anymore. If she needs to take some time off from me, to find herself, and be happy, I understand. But I just can't yet make myself believe this is the end of "us", it is a bit too soon for that still for me.

 

 

What i really want to know from any responders is whether I should make contact with her, and try to make a positive, supporting last impression on her, before we meet the following sunday. I wish I had found this forum earlier this week, and posted, my previous post has helped me alot and I have gotten some very encouraging helpful advice (and some very negative, but I disregard that so feel free to post your opinions ). She said I was free to call her anytime if i wanted to talk, but I want her to miss me and for her to be the one to initiate contact. I don't want to guilt trip her into getting back together, as I know, that will just smother her in my love even more and that this relationship will not be able to last. I have been considering very strongly writing a brief e-mail to her, stating how I want to be supportive, as I've never truly written to her, and I sort of consider that neutral grounds for contact. Whenever I'm in a time of questioning, or in love with someone, I always write something. But I've never shared this with anyone, not even her. I guess i have been embarrassed of exposing my feelings in this manner. I also havn't been expressing my love to her in constructive ways, and have been driving us to this point by always asking where she is? or what she's been doing? who's she with? Why hasn't she called me? Will this e-mail be a good way of having her still miss me, or should i just leave things where they are until i see her next. I now appear to be a love-sick dog, hopeless and longing. Should I call or write her, to tell her how now, after spending much time thinking about us, I feel this is a good thing for both of us? And that I know now, like she said before, that this isn't necessarily the end. She's losing herself in her work right now, almost 12 hours a day at school 7 days a week!!!! And has been depressed for a year or more, but not about us. I know she is working hard, and I havn't really expressed SUPPORTIVELY how i felt about the time we weren't seeing each other. Part of me wants her to be able for her to find love in her studies, as much as she once loved me. But I also don't think that any person can go through a truly fufilled life with just their work, and I want her to try to work on herself also. I have worried not just about us, but about her for some time now. She helped me through some incredibly rough times, and maybe I was too much of a drain on her? But she doesn't seem to want help from me... and that really hurts.

 

I realize now that our love has been holding each other back because of the way we express it. We have been living like teenagers, and do not have an adult relationship. She says she isn't sure if she loves me right now, but she is questioning many things about herself, and her body language says otherwise. I believe she thinks that if things keep going on between us like they have been, that she and I cannot be happy, and successful in our separate lives - together -. I asked her if she hoped for this, and she said yes. So I still have high hopes that this is just a break from each other to do some soul searching, and not the end. I dont think there isn't anything here we can't work out, but whichever way our relationship turns, its going to be hard.

 

This has been very hard for me, as I imagine it has been for her. we have been having trouble the past couple months, but I wasn't able to realize how much until now. I cry alot, and am having trouble sleeping, but I have been working on MY studies harder then i ever have in my life, I've started exercising again for the first time in years, I'm being more open with my feelings then I ever have been, and am getting incredible support from family and friends, and even from this forum. I'm also smoking a pack a day now though, so I can't say I'm taking splendid care of myself, but I am TRYING. I am greatly changed person from when we first met - a very depressed teenager high-school drop out, to a fully functioning college student. My love for her has wavered over the years, as has hers. But before she even broached this topic my love was and still is stronger then ever. I really want to make the changes i have made in my life permanent, regardless of how things end up between me and her. But I also want to show her that I have a life outside of her, and that she is not my everything, and try to work things out.

 

IF I DO END UP CONTACTING HER, WHAT SHOULD I SAY? I DO NOT WANT TO "SMOTHER HER".

 

I just want to try to make the best and or most thoughtful attempt at having her back in my life. I'm going to be asking all of you alot more questions I bet, even if we ever do get back together. Keep posting plz!!!!

[emma]

You should read the posts about the 'no contact' rule... It's just the best thing to do... Give her time, for herself, for missing you, for sorting out her feelings...etc. If she wants to see you, be casual (that's what I'm planning to do next weekend when I'll see my ex-boyfriend after no contact for a month... he contacted me and asked me out after few short chats on the web), try to seem as happy as you can, avoid talking about the relationship, if she does, let her talk, just listen, if she asks you to reply, make it short. Then let her call you back if she wants to, don't contact her... Let her go through this by herself, that's maybe what she is looking for, especially of she feels like you that you've been living like teenagers....

 

Good luck... and if you feel like calling her, call a friend instead, go out, do something, tell yourself 'not today, maybe tomorrow', and do the same the next day.... It works, believe me.....

[autumn]

Your desire to be together and to be in contact with her is so strong that you are going to continue smothering her unless you take a step back. Taking that step will make you stronger, believe me. You see, she is essentially asking for some time to test her own feelings. And the more you are in her face during that time, the more prone she will be to making a future decision that does not include you. What you need to do is give her a taste of the same medicine.

 

Here's what's happening (I might be wrong, but I'll bet I'm close to the truth). In the short space that you've been apart, you've both already met each other several times. She knows how you feel, because you've shown her how depressed you are about the breakup. Now, you've decided to meet up again in two weeks. And what are you doing? You're asking what you should do in the space between those two weeks! If your girlfriend knows you well enough, she KNOWS that you will be trying to make some contact during this period.

 

You want to do or say something in this 2 wk period that will make her think. You want to make her think? You want to make an impression? Get her attention by doing what she doesn't expect.

 

My suggestion? Don't contact her at all in this period. In fact, don't even be available, no matter how tempting this becomes. She'll be left scratching her head. And you know what she's going to think? How come I'm not important to him? You know deep down that you probably care for her more than most anyone in this world, and she knows it too. To lose that care, makes you feel less important in this world. Now you are not being unsympathetic by breaking contact - you are giving her what she asked for, and in so doing, you are caring enough to respect her wishes. Women generally need strong reasons to break off a relationship. From what you've written, she seems to just need time to see if her feelings are real. And the last thing you want to do is make her feel pressured in this area.

 

She also needs to understand that she can't have both ends of the stick. You are showing her that she can. You are willing to be there while she has officially called it off, and she may gladly accept you being just that much in her life, or whenever she needs you. What you need to make clear (carefully) is that you are not a dog that will be there at every beckon call or whim (hopefully you have that much self respect). But if she decides that she wants you to be that bigger part of her life, your mind was that sure about what you wanted from the start.

 

Hey, it hurts like hell, i know, but she needs to feel the pain of separation too, and you're not giving that to her. Let her see what life would be like without you. You're not the one who called it off. She is.