Last Night my Best Friend lost her Baby! How Do I Help Her?

[Clambert]

Last night my best friend in the entire world lost her baby. She was 7 1/2 months pregnant. She was having a little boy, she even had his name picked out, we were going to call him Connor Pheonix. She was dating a guy w ho was heavy into drugs, crystal myth to be exact, after she left this guy she learned that she was pregnant. This man's drug use was the reason for her baby's death. He had used so much that it altered his cromozones. the baby had fluid on his brain and stomach. I have no idea how to help her cope with this. I dont have kids and have never been pregnant, i dont know what it is like. i know i cant cry in front of her although i feel like i need to cry for her. I dont want to be a weka person, i want to be her rock. what can i do to be strong enough for her. i dont want her to feel like this is her fault because it isnt. when we found out this was wrong with the child she kept going back to the fact that she had had an abortion with her first pregnancy with a guy that beat her. so she blames herself, how do i help her know that that has nothing to do with this. Help me be stong!

[avman]

Oh no Clambert. I'm so sorry to hear this.

 

Well, welcome to eNotalone. I wish it were under better circumstances.

 

I think its ok to cry WITH your friend. If you try and bottle this grief up inside its REALLY going to cause you a lot of pain. Let your friend know its ok to cry about this. This is a really sad time in her life right now.

 

Would she consider having a funeral for her child? It may seem a little strange, but sometimes this helps provide some closure to things. He had a name, and she and he had a bond formed. Having a funeral, and a burial might really help with things.

 

Rally her other friends for support. Make dinner for her so she eats right. Run her errands, clean the house, stay with her for awhile. Anything to keep her from going through this alone.

 

I shall pray for you and for her that you may receive comfort and strength in this very trying time. I'm so very sorry for her (and your) loss.

 

avman

[The Morrigan]

I agree with Avman.

 

There's no shame in crying with her - and she may feel better knowing it's not just her who will be grieving. Ask the hospital/doctors if there's anything they do to give mothers of stillborns some memento of their child - because as you point out, he was a part of her with a name for over 7 months.

 

If they can't have an actual funeral, see if you can arrange a memorial service, even an informal one, and maybe see about doing something like having a tree planted in his name or a star named for him so she'll have something to remember him by apart from the pain, something to immortalize him so to speak. And if she had organized a room for him - ask her if she wants to come home to it, or if she's not ready to deal with it herself, either offer to help or go ahead of her and put away some of the things she might not be ready to face just yet. I can't imagine much worse than coming home to an empty nursery when everything's obviously waiting for a baby who won't be coming home as expected.

 

Apart from that, just be there with her, don't let her be alone too much, some alone time is ok, but she should know her friends are there whenever she needs them, whether it's to get out and get a little distraction, or just to bear her company. And hmm, might want to watch for any signs of post partum depression, she's still going to have the hormonal reactions of giving birth, and will already be depressed and grieving, so don't hesitate to seem too "mothering" if you think she should be seen by a doctor depending on how she seems to be coping.

[Clambert]

Thank you both for your replies...

Yes, we are currently planning a funeral for the baby, we hadnt yet put the nursery together so she wont have to come home to that thankfully.I have been with he faithfully since she was admitted into the hospital 3 weeks ago. I went to Indiana to pick up our other dear friend and we have all been by her side every step of the way. The hospital had already prepared her a package with a memory box, they made a cemented footfrint and put it in a frame for her along with hand and foot pritns, baby hair and everything else they could think of. Even though he was still born they even made him a little birth certificate for the baby to help her feel better, she had a rough night last night. the doctor told if her baby had lived he probably wouldnt walk and he would have been mentally handicapped, so she is accepting the fact that he is in a better place and if he were here he would have suffered. Her religious upbringing is helping her tremendously, i dont know what i would do in this situation. Thank you for you prayers! **and for your advice, i greatly appreciate it.