Pregnant girlfriend wants to leave state.

[Chuck84]

Well I guess I should say first that she, after yesterday, is now my ex-girlfriend. We had been dating since late February and moved in together in mid May. Our relationship has had it problems, more so than the typical relationship. She did cheat on me in early June but I stuck with her. She has put me through a lot and it has affected our relationship, but I stuck with her. I stuck with her because I love her. This isn't my first relationship and I've been in love before, but this one feels truer which is why I never left her side. It's been a rocky road but I do believe it could work out in the end.

 

Come labor day weekend we decide to get a home pregnancy test because she is late on her period. It comes back positive to two tests. The next day we get her tested at the Dr's office and confirm the results. We do whats needed medically get the ultra sound/blood work etc etc and I'm by her side through all of that.

 

I never expected this to happen and for me it's hard to come to grips with what is going to happen in my life now. I don't really think we're ready for this child but because of her religious and personal beliefs abortion is off the table, and I'm fine with that. I respect her decision and right to choose as I understood her stance on that when we first got together.

 

Up until yesterday she has been saying that she wanted to marry me and thought the relationship could work. This has apparently now all changed as she is saying she wants to move out of state to Oregon and live with her Mom. She's got the belief in her head that its the only way for her to have this child right now. That since her Father here in California is not 100% supportive and I'm still coming to grips with it she feels alone. That nobody here supports her and the only place to get it is with her Mom. I've tried to be there 100% for her but she doesn't see it that way. I've offered to pay for her to have her own place, help with the bills and do anything/everything needed that I can. If she needs time away from this relationship that's fine but I need to be a part of this child's life and this pregnancy.

 

She's insistent that even though she is moving 8 hours away I'll still be able to do everything the same as if she was here. I don't see it that way. My job doesn't afford me the luxury of taking days off whenever I please and the amount of money spent in gas driving up there all the time would amount to more than paying for her to live here.

 

She tells me that by me pushing for her to stay here its only making her want to leave more. It doesn't make any sense to me. She says she is leaving because she doesn't feel the support from me or anybody else here but I want to do whatever it takes to keep her from leaving and be there in any way she may need me.

 

What do I do? What do I say? Do I let her go? Do I fight to keep her here by showing her how much I do love her? (I've been seriously thinking about asking her to marry me. Not to just keep her here but because I DO love her and have wanted that for a long time.) What are my rights once the child is born since it could be accross state lines? I know I have no rights as of now since she is pregnant though.

 

Also I think it's valid to add that she's said she needs time to herself to get her life in order. That by her going up there it's not the end of us. That after the pregnancy and she's had time to herself we could possibly get back together depending on how things are at the time. I can't help but feel that if I let her go up there I've lost her for good. I know she'll always been in my life now, but that I'd lose any chance of ever having her back as my lover and not just the mother of my child.

 

Sorry for being so long. My mind is racing and there are so many things I wanted to say as this barely scratches the surface. ](*,) Any help is appreciated in advance. Thanks.

[Whiskers]

Personally I think she is scared and wants to run home to someone with experience with being pregnant and raising a child...her father isn't that.

I also think that the idea of resuming things after the baby is born and she's got her life together sounds like a cop out and you're feelings of being left out of it all are justified.

Though I can't say about the law I would suggest you step back. Only enough not to suffocate her, she wants to go home for the support of her mother out of fear and possibly her lack of trust in you to be there. It's both understandable and disturbing.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it must be very difficult and the situation is tricky as you might have to face the fact that she's going to go with or without your blessing but maybe it's time you got honesty from her.

If you were going to ask her to marry you, would she have considered it? Does she love you to have a future? Why won't she give you the chance to show you can be a good father?

At the moment she's holding all the cards.

Does she know how you feel?

Sorry to be unhelpful with questions.

XXXX

[Chuck84]

If I had asked her prior to yesterday to marry me I know she would've said yes with out questions. But since hearing from her that she wants to leave the state and her current mind set I'm not so sure what she'll say.

 

I can't help but feel as though this may be some kind of test. This sort of thing has happened before. She pulls away from me saying she doesn't want to be with me and is no longer in love with me only to calm down a few days later and change her stance on things as I try to put forth even more effort to be with her. I know she still loves me. She has told me she does and always will. She's said she is scared and I think its getting the best of her with the hormones of pregnancy involved. She wasn't exactly the best at controlling her emotions, which has caused a lot of the problems in our relationship, but being pregnant is only multiplying those emotions.

 

The whole resuming the relationship after the baby is born idea was generated by her Mom I believe. The same thing happened with her parents. They separated during the pregnancy and got back together after she was born. (Was actually my girlfriend who she was pregnant with. Ironic?) Her Mom called me last night and explained that to me. We talked for 1.5 hours about it all and she seems to think that's what her daughter needs. She says that she'll fight for me and her daughter to get back together and be a family with this child. She tells me that she knows I'm a good guy and that I treat her daughter right. That basically of all the people she knows I'm the one she'd pick to be with her daughter. That is sort of reassuring as her Mom will be sort of my supporter/spokesperson while she is up there. But still no matter how hopeful I am that it could work out that way I still have doubts that it would.

[Whiskers]

You doubts are justified, it's a tough situation but I can understand the hormonal thing.

If she's running hot and cold it could be hormones, definitely aren't helping and it's good that you have support.

It sounds as though she's already got it in her mind that she has to do this, and it's sad that she won't consider a trial time with you to see if you both can't make this work.

It also sounds as though you've accepted the situation and are already stepping back because you feel helpless.

I take it there is not doubt that the baby is yours? (not trying to be harsh but you said she cheated on you before)

 

Make sure she know exactly how you feel, that you're going to be in her and the babies life no matter what.

If you want to talk please feel free as I know how hard it is to get everything you want to say out, but i feel for you.

Congratulations by the way, good luck

XXXX

[Chuck84]

Yeah I really wish she would allow for a trial period for us to try and work things out. She never really came to be before yesterday to express fully how she felt in regards to my supporting her in this. One thing I want to do is couples counseling maybe.

 

I was just actually thinking it may be sort of good if she does go up there. Provided I can move back in with my Mom, only place I have to turn to, and live rent free I can save up a lot of money. Also by living there and not having to worry about a lot more in bills I could take time off from work around the time of the birth and spend a few weeks up there with her before and after the child is born. She said before that she wanted me to take a few weeks off to be with her after birth so maybe it is the right course of action.

 

God I just can't get over the feeling of giving up. Like I'll lose her if I let go at all. I've fought so hard to this point to keep her in my life and this relationship going that if I give in or let it slip even in the least that I'll never get that back. But then I know that if I do give in it could make her realize what she does have with me and she could come back even stronger than before. The uncertainty of not know what lays ahead in the most anxious and nerve racking feeling ever.

[Whiskers]

You arent giving up, you've done everything in your power to make this work and you should rest a little easier knowing that much at least. Short of forcing her to do things against her will, which is never a good idea you can only roll with the punches and stick up for your self.

Moving in with you mum's a good idea, saving money a better one and the taking time off around the birth is the best yet! If you have to endure this situation then at least you're not sat back moaning and are doing what you can to adapt to it.

 

I can understand you are struggling with this as it's a time where you should be working and going through it together...enjoying the highs and working through the lows, my heart goes out to you.

 

XXXX

[Chuck84]

I just feel so abandoned. She talks about how she wasn't getting the support she needs in order to do things in this pregnancy right so she's leaving. She's taking that sense of abandonment/lack of support and throwing it on me. I've stuck with her through so much to now be left behind like this seemingly with out and regard to how I feel in the situation hurts a LOT.

[Chuck84]

Well I found out today she was calling some guy there is a history of problems with and she went to meet up with the guy. Don't know if they did meet up or not. She denied it until i presented her with the proof and yet she still denied it. Seems like I'm just getting played.

[avman]

What are my rights once the child is born since it could be accross state lines? I know I have no rights as of now since she is pregnant though.

 

Well even after the child is born you have no rights. You have to establish them through a paternity action or your ex-girlfriend will have to voluntarily agree to give you rights by signing a Recognition of Parentage when the baby is born.

 

If your ex-girlfriend moves accross state lines then it will get very complicated for you. Because she'll establish residency in the new state and all court actions will have to take place there. So you'll need to travel to her state in order to establish your rights.

 

You can file a paternity action now with an injunction preventing your ex-girlfriend from leaving the state until it is resolved. It's not going to be seen as a friendly action so understand what you are getting yourself into.

 

I'd recommend you chat with an attorney about this. Especially since she's already seeming to be hooking up with another guy. I don't think she's likely to come back to you.

 

And I want to add that I'm really sorry you are in this situation. It's a lousy place to be I know.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Are you sure, really sure, this is your baby?

 

The reason i ask that is that she has a history of cheating, and is now talking with some other guy. Most women who are pregnant don't spend a lot of time chasing/chatting with other guys while they are pregnant unless there is something else going on there.

 

I suspect that her desire to be with her mother is more a desire to flee the situation if she isn't really sure who the father is (or knows it is someone else's). Perhaps she wants to wait it out and try to determine who the father is after the baby is born, but doesn't want to tell you until she knows for sure for fear of being financially abandoned before the birth.

 

I think that after the birth, you need to insist on a paternity test to make sure this baby is really yours. She is acting in a way that might indicate she has her own doubts, and with her history of recent cheating and seeing other guys, it is a good possibility.

[bijoux27]

I think she is finding every reason or excuse rather, to leave you...the relationship is still salvageable but firstly you should look into the legal rules of child custody. When she has the baby she could say that you weren't there for her (a lie) and you don't want that cause it's your child too....could you speak to her mother?

[sunshinedc12]

...This is weird because I feel I am reading my boyfriend's (ex-boyfriend's?) entry. I just found out I am pregnant...I am 30; he is 25. He said he would support me through the pregnancy. We discussed marriage, even planned to elope. He backed out two weeks prior b/c his father said we should not rush. He also asked me about abortion. Okay, so maybe the factual situations are not 100% similar, but the point is, I then told him I was moving. We have been fighting like cats and dogs since. he doesn't want me to move, but I do not want to have a baby here. My advice is simply to propose to her. if you don't I think she has no reason to need you, to be perfectly honest with you. At least that is how I feel about my now ex-boyfriend, with whom I still talk, even though I have pushed him away to the point of lying and tellng him i cheated on him. I just can't stand the drama. It's much easier to do this alone than to do it with someone who half-a**es "supporting" the pregnancy. good luck!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>My advice is simply to propose to her.

 

Proposing won't solve the problem that she cheated on him and is talking to other men, and perhaps he isn't even the baby's father!

 

A surprise pregnancy puts a truckload of stress on a relationship. And if the relationship wasn't all that stable or committed or serious to begin with, getting married just because she is pregnant usually adds to the problems and results in a divorce that is more costly and upsetting than acknowledging the relationship probably wasn't serious enough to have a baby to begin with...

 

But the baby is there and reality must be dealt with, so all parties should probably back off and adjust to the baby, then decide what their own long term futures together as a couple are once that has settled down a bit.

 

I know of way too many couples who married/got serious when the woman had a surprise pregnancy, only to have bitter and horrendous breakups later. So the baby won't solidy a relationship, and that needs to be a separate issue from dealing with the baby itslef.

[sunshinedc12]

Very fair points. My response assumes he is the father. I think for the best interest of the child, the parents work out their issues and marry. They can attend counseling or whatever to make it work. I think the two issues -- the couple and the baby -- are too intertwined to be dealt with separately. Propose and marry later, after counseling, even after the baby's birth; that is my recommendation.

[Chuck84]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

Firstly I don't think marriage is the answer. She needs some help. We all agree, me and her parents, that she needs counseling and medications and only if she did that would I ever consider trying to restart the relationship with her.

 

Yes, she is running away. She has done this in the past. She first moved down here from Oregon when she was 15 and according to her mom, dad and step mom she has been bouncing back and forth quite a bit ever since. She utterly hates it up at her Mom's but uses it for the attention. Nobody thinks she will last up there. Her Mom, which she is going to go live with, gives her 3 weeks before she'll want to leave. Her Dad said one month then changed his answer til after Christmas so she can get spoiled with gifts.

 

She seems to have gone off the deep end. I know she called and was hanging out with another guy, and then this morning I get a big surprise. She went to her ex's, how she found his new residence not even he knows, and put a poster board inside his car with one of the positive pregnancy tests, a flower and pair of boxers they'd got from a store (they have that just from the store smell and crease marks.). Basically the thing said that he's the father, you forgot your boxers and some other things. He's going to file a restraining order on her because she wont leave him alone. He's even disconnected one phone prior to this so she'd stop calling him apparently. And at the end of all this she doesn't see anything wrong with what she's doing and it really only adds fuel to my fire if I want to take more and more custody.

 

One thing I really need though is a place to get FREE legal advice. I've Googled it and I can't find anything worth it. Cheapest I found was a $95 fee through a group of fathers going through similar things. Non-profit type deal.

 

Any other questions please feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer everything you guys throw at me.

[avman]

For this type of situation I really, really wouldn't rely on free legal advice from the internet. These situations get too complex and there is too much at stake to leave things to chance.

 

Sometimes you can find reduce fee legal help from some organizations in your area. If you are a student, sometimes there is a legal aid group at the school that can help you. Or you can call some attorneys and see if they offer sliding scale fees.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

To me it sounds like she doesn't know whether you or the other guy is the father...

 

Until she has the baby, and you get a paternity test and prove you are the father, you don't have what they call 'legal standing' in relation to the baby.

 

So you have a bit of time to find some legal services and help. I think once the baby is born you can file to get her to have a paternity test on the baby.

 

But it does sound like there is a good chance the baby is not yours.. perhaps she told you it was when she found she was pregnant and panicked, and the other guy was rejecting her.

[ImThatGirl]

What is her due date?

[Chuck84]

Well I am about 95% sure the child is mine. When we had our problems 2 months ago, 2 weeks after the ultrasound predicts conception, I kept a very close eye on her as best I could and some of her family came into town so that lessens the chance of it being not mine. She agreed the other day that I could do the tests and she'd participate but I would have to pay for it.

 

I dont really know what to think regarding this other guy. I do know that she's only been with 4 people including me and another 2 of those were previous serious boyfriends. One of those previous boyfriends is the one she cheated on me with and that was too long ago to make him the father. Also when we first got together we were head over heals for one another and yet it still took 5 weeks for us to even have sex. She is very particular about sex which only makes me doubt it more but not completely.

 

I agree that she doesn't seem to know what she wants. One minute she's the meanest person to me saying that I won't be able to be a part of the pregnancy (I did some things to piss her off) and then next, like just now, she calls me and we have a pretty decent conversation and I can tell by her voice and words that she still cares for me. She's very set in her decision that we wont be together. If I had to guess its because we don't have the best relationship and being pregnant while in a rocky relationship only adds to the stresses and I wasn't jumping for joy all excited about something that will drastically change both our lives for forever. I really have a strong feeling that once things cool down, she's been up there for a while etc we may be able to become close again but I'm not giving it a time frame nor will I be pushing for it.

 

I'm just going to let the time pass, get my life in order and find myself again that I lost while with her. I've told her if there is anything she wants of me all she has to do is ask and that I will be in this child's life and do whatever it takes to keep it safe and happy. I'm taking advice I got from her parent's in regards to documenting my wanting to be there and do things for the pregnancy so that if later I have to fight for custody or anything else I can better prove my case and improve my chances of getting what I may want.

 

I'mThatGirl: She is 11 weeks on 10/3 and is due 4/25/09. (Her favorite uncle's birthday ironically.)