getting back with ex???

[magdalen]

Sorry this is a bit lengthy.

 

I lived with my mate over a year ago now, we had been friends for about a year before he moved into my houseshare....Just as he was moving in his ex-girlfriend contacted him from the other side of the world from our home city.

 

They hadnt been in touch for 5 yrs and had been broken up for 7. They were childhood sweethearts and she got his email from someone she bumped into. She had hurt him quite badly. She started contacting him a lot and tellling him she wanted him back, he confided all in me, it looked to everyone that she just wanted him back as she had just been left by her then current boyfriend and was desperate, lets put it this way she even sent him provocative photos, a bit strange after 7 yrs. About this time we got together and naturally i asked him about this and if it would pose a problem but he said he found it all confusing but had more feelings for me then her, and I believed this as it seemed to surreal for them to get back together after so long and esp they hadnt seen each other

 

He went on the holiday back home he had already planned for a year, and saw her and basically shut down all communication bar emails with me for the 4 weeks of his holiday saying he had seen her and was confused. He came back to me telling me he was confused about where he wanted to be and who with blah blah. I made him move out and it was all very painful and upsetting for both of us.

 

He eventually went back and got back together with her and i also came back to our home country but to a differnet city. I heard it was short lived and that he was off to Hong Kong to work so I emailed him at Xmas to say good luck, we havnt spoken for a year. He wrote back saying that he had wanted to contact me but felt he had no right, and told me i was right about everything and how sorry he was. We are now in contact by phone and email as friends but although neither of us has brought up getting back together it is clear we both still have feelings for one another. He is in Hong Kong for about a year but we do miss each other. I dont know if I could ever trust him again, although as friends I never thought of him as a cheat, I think he was badly burnt by this girl and felt he needed closure....Anyhow what do u think?

[JSHRN]

Hi magdalen.

 

It sounds like this man really has you where he wants you. He's convinced you to "hang on" just in case his other relationships don't work out! What kind of respect must he have for you? Sometimes we spend so much time listening to other's words that we can't see their actions. magdalen, believe me, his actions are so much more important than what he says. You've heard his realtionship with this other woman was short-lived. Do you know that for a fact?

 

First, become scarce - very scarce. Don't return his phone calls and don't call him. Find everything and anything else to do. When you do finally talk with him make it short and to the point. Tell him that, unless he has gotten over this other woman and make good on his claims of loving you, you won't see him anymore. He will probably go back to telling you how much he loves you. Don't take this - be firm. If he isn't willing to break off with this other woman, he's just saying that he really loves her more than you.

 

 

Do you risk losing him permanently over this? Yes you do. But remember there really are hundreds if not thousands of men that will love you for who and what you are. By investing heavily in one that you don't yet own, you are missing the possibility of finding love with someone even better. Don't be afraid!

 

I wish you luck.

 

JSHRN

[raggamuffin]

It sounds as thought this guy really does care for you and wasnt sure of what he watned. What he did although it hurt you emmensly wasnt done to hurt you and i think he probably now feels really bad about it and does sincerly regret doing it. I think that he probably is a trustworthy person but i suppose you have to beable to feel like you can trust him if you decided to initate a relationship with him. If you can survive what happened between the two of you, you can probably work thought this and end up with a really nice loving long lasting relationship. I wish you luck. R

[magdalen]

Thanks for your replies.

 

I know for a fact it was short lived as we have mutual friends. They were living together but things were going awry from day one apparently and then she moved out after 4 months. Initially I think when we were together he wanted his cake and to eat it but we have not spoken for a year and I dont think he ever expected we would again.

 

He is now in Hong Kong and she still in the same place. He told me he felt he had to leave and go somewhere as he had made such a mess of things. I am still not sure whether he still has feelings for her, I think we need to discuss that, although what I am getting the impression of is that he is over her, perhaps he wasnt before and he freely admitted to me that I was right about everything by which he is referring to all the reasons i gave to him at the time for not getting back together with her. It could all genuinely have been a big mistake on his part, for his desire to have closure with his first love. Perhaps not though also.

 

I am going to seriously think this over as I dont want to get hurt but I also dont want to lose someone I get along so well with.

 

So confusing.

[raggamuffin]

Why are matters of the heart always so confusing?? Nothing can ever be clear cut when love and feelings are involved can it? I think in your case prehaps maintaining a platonic friendship might be best for now until you have sorted out what really is going on in his head and in his heart. Clear communication is the only way its going to work out i suppose. I hope that all goes well and that you dont get hurt again. By him or by yourself. All the best. R