Fear – I am afraid of being alone.

[deeds]

Fear – I am afraid of being alone and of being seen to be alone. That is two completely separate things. I get lonely and it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on, someone to share my troubles and my life with. Someone to love. That may happen who knows I may find some crazy girl? I can deal with that. The other thing, being afraid of being seen to be alone is more complex.

Being single is seen somehow as a failing. We seem to be under pressure to be part of a couple, part of a group, anything but alone. We get to a certain age and we are expected to get married and start a family. So many of us feel naked and exposed without a partner, even young teenagers. We have been known to lie about it or worse get married because of it. Where does this pressure come from and why? Why is it wrong to be without a partner?

I know for a fact that many of us alter our behaviour rather than stand out from the crowd. Going out for dinner or just going to a movie is so hard on your own and parties are sheer hell. I have friends but sometimes it would be nice to be free to do things alone without feeling like a freak.

Peer pressure starts at an early age and God I get tired of it. It never ends, it is remorseless, pitiless. I am tired of being afraid to be myself. I fight it but it grinds me down.

Does anyone know what I am talking about?

 

deeds.

[bzborow1]

Yeah it's kind of a weird cycle I think. I've been single now for over a year and ppl are starting to judge me.

 

"Howcome you're still single?"

"Why don't you go find someone?" (as if i've completely taken myself outta the game)

 

The funny part is that women see things as, "the good guys must all already be taken". That is, they want an independent guy, but a truly independent guy is seen as weird and questionable.

 

So ye I agree it's a bit of a cycle, but if you are confident with yourself none of that stuff should really matter.

[justagirl]

It is a cycle.

I have been single my entire life and I've felt the pressures and the judgement from the couples, the friends who constantly date and the relatives who "cant seem to understand why my 15 year old cousin can get a guy, but I can't." The same comments Bzborow1 gets.

I went on my first date the end of November 2003. I had a great time, it was fun and he is a great friend. And even though I loved the idea of being part of a couple, he wasn't the one I wanted to be a part of.

I would rather live my life single then settle for someone I don't feel right with.

As for being seen and going places alone, I've grown used to doing things on my own. I started doing things by myself my junior year in high school. I was afraid at first. Afraid of the comments and what people were going to think. And afraid I wouldn't have any fun being alone. But as things went on and I went to more places by myself (target, mervyns, homecoming, prom, etc.) I realized that being able to walk around by yourself and be happy with not having to always have someone by your side is the best thing you can give yourself. I've made more real friends now than I have my entire life because I was seen as independent and different. I didn't have to be with a group of 8 girls when I went to the bathroom, I didn't have to call up all my friends just for a 5 minute trip to target, I didn't mind being alone.

I understand that walking around, seeing all the couples and wishing to be a part of that world. That some things need to be shared with the other people in your life, a special guy or girl.

And yes, going places with friends is a total blast, but occasionaly you need your alone time, to go out and be completely yourself and comfortable enough with who you are to be seen alone.

Also, going places without other people has a lot of advantages: you won't get cancelled on, feel left out, have an awful time hearing about people not having any fun, get things done faster if you're in a hurry, and plans being changed because so and so can't make it at the original time.

When I see people walking around alone and they look comfortable and confident while doing it, I see an independent, original person.

 

But of course this is all just my opinion.

 

Just remember that what other people think about what you do or don't do alone is nothing against you, its their own problem.

 

 

Justagirl

 

[lonelyd00d]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I too get lonely, and I'm afraid the only thing you can do about it is seek out other people to hang with. Don't intentionally try to fill the void with a girlfriend.. I don't think that would be a healthy start of a relationship. But being around people should easy the loneliness.

 

About the 2nd thing : the answer is awfully simple.. but hard to follow.

 

Never mind what other people say or may think!

 

It's not possible to know what other people think, so try to let go of that one first. And usually we project our own bad thoughts on other people, so that we only -think- they're thinking bad things about us.

If people judge you on the fact you're single, they're not very nice people. Instead, they should give you some support on this subject, and try not so hard to break you down. =P

 

I know what you're talking about.. And it took me about 6 years to get comfortable with being single. (I turn 24 in 2 days, and never had a g/f, yet) And I don't care what people may say about that. Not anymore. Let them focus on their own lives for a change! (Being in a relationship isn't all that good either, sometimes, take comfort in that)

 

How old are you, btw?

 

 

A little bit of wisdom :

 

Focus,

not on the rudenesses of others,

not on what they've done

or left undone,

but on what you

have & haven't done

yourself.

 

-Dhammapada, 4, translation by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

 

 

Good luck =)

[summerdreams]

you shouldn't be afraid to do things alone, sometimes it's good to be by yourself and reflect on things in your life. I like to go shopping by myself occasionally, and at times i'll run into people from school and they'll ask me why i'm alone. It's just something i find relaxing...and i don't feel like a freak about it!

[routerx]

The pressure you feel is only you. I do things alone all of the time, but you have to remember, I don't care what others think. I haven't fallen in love yet, I'm not going to make the mistakes my friends did and marry someone because "it's time".

 

The problem isn't society. The problem is the pressure you are putting on you.

 

Be a leader.