Saying NO to being friends

[martin6565]

Hi guys,

 

If you've seen my story I broke up with my ex 8 months ago, realized I wanted her back, asked; and she declined. Stating that she needs her space, dosent want to be in a relationship, etc. However after I asked I received mixed signals from her, she'd hold my hand, kiss me, then not return calls. I'd pursue, she's withdraw. I'd pull away, then she'd come forward again. This has been emotionally draining for me because while we were dating I did not appreciate her, I didn't treat her like she deserved. So every time I see her, text, speak on the phone I try to come off as better, i've changed and i want so much for her to see the "real" me. I've been doing everything she wants, however a year ago she confided in me a very personal story, I freaked out when I heard it and really made her feel badly. Looking back on it now it really was not the way to act. This episode really hurt her, and shattered her trust in me. (I threatened to break up). Ever since this, her trust in me has been lost. Not completely but she still goes back to this and says "I can't tell you these personal things, remember the time i told you this______"

 

So I try to be there for her, i tell her she can tell me anything, be anyone, i'll encourage anything you say or do. But she's reluctant to believe me. I know, I know she SHOULD be, she SHOULD take her time, but it's been 8 months since the break up. I need to draw the line somewhere, i've been in this state of limbo for months and it's killing me inside. I want her to see that i'm making improvements, in everything and she does. But her trust is so shattered that she told me she dosent want to be in any relationship.

 

So I tell her tonight I can't do this anymore, i'm giving up and saying goodbye. The other day when I went to see her, she had a hickey on her neck...ok yeah i can't get angry because i broke up with her, but i'm investing 110% into her, not seeing anyone else. I hope and look forward to the next time I can see her so much, it's running my life. I told her that I can't keep doing this because its so painful, hurtful to love someone and try SO hard and not have that person be reciprocal. She asked if we can still be friends and I said no. I need to distance myself and can not put the effort into just her while she's obviously seeing other people. She said she always compares me to other guys when she's out on dates, she thinks about me all the time, and loves me, but can not be with ANYONE right now. She said she needs time to herself. She also told me that I won't like the woman she's becoming, and that she dosent deserve a guy like me. I don't understand, why wouldn't you want the best for you?

 

So I told her we can not be friends because this is not a typical "friendship", it's a friendship based on me wanting to get her back and every time we hang out i'll be trying and trying, and when i'm not with her i'll be hoping and hoping. I can't be your guy friend that you call up after you hook up with others. I don't want to be just your friend, I want to be your boyfriend.

 

She responded saying that she still loves me and thinks about me all the time, but can not be with ANYONE right now and actually got a little angry when I said I couldn't be friends. She said "well then i must have not meant that much to you if you can't even be my friend". But the thing is, she really DOES mean so much to me, and i'm only doing this because she is so valuable to me and it hurts so much to try, try, try with no luck. I can't make her love me, I can't make her trust me.

 

I thought i'd feel a little better after I told her just how I feel, but i still feel like garbage. This isn't what I want! I don't want to NEVER see her again, i'll feel so down and depressed if I never see her again. But I don't want to be just a friend. So I basically left it as "I can't be your friend", she got emotional, and took offense thinking that i'm forcing her into an ultimatum. Either "date me or i'm gone", which is sort of true, but not. All I want to know is that i'm making progress, but if she dosent want to see it, then I can't keep giving it.

 

 

Ugh! I just told the girl I LOVE that I don't want to see her again. I'm so nervous, anxious, depressed, and just confused. ](*,)

[Reilly2856]

I think you're doing the right thing. You are not in any condition to be her friend right now, but that does not mean that you guys can't be friends later. If you give in to your anxiousness and try to be her friend, you will be unsuccessful. Its hard to be someone's "friend" when you actually love them and want more. It would be very difficult for you to see her with another guy, when you want to be that guy. By distancing yourself, your giving yourself time to get over her and use to the idea of a life without her. This will heal your heart and give you the confidence that yes, you can live a very productive life without her in it. You may even find that you can fall in love with someone else. When you reach that point, then, if you wish to have her in your life...you will welcome the friendship and even, be able to maintain it as her true friend. Faking friendship while your heart yearns for love from her will only cause frustration and depression on your part. Walk away to come back another day....

[fastball2113]

girls you call friends are just girls you havent slept with yet

[sadbunny]

Hiya

 

I know how you are feeling but it's not fair on you to be in limbo, that feeling is worse than knowing where you stand. It doesn't have to be forever but maybe you need to withdraw a bit and let her chase you, if she wants to be with you that much she will come to you, if she doesn't then you know that the one for you is still out there.

 

Easy for me to say but i'm going through a break up myself, at least the person who broke up with me had cut ties completely even though that is also hard. You will know what feels right for you but you need to stop doing all the chasing you are making it all to easy for her.

[martin6565]

I caused the majority of the problems in the relationship. As we got closer, I found myself falling in love with her, and since growing up everything that I ever loved, cared much for has betrayed me. So I pushed this feeling away; like I said it took a break up to finally embrace this...i'll forever be in regret.

 

What do you think is going through her mind? How do you think she is feeling; I just told her that I can't be her friend; I know that i'm the best for her and I believe she knows that too. Since the relationship failed because i did not appreciate her, and show her my feelings, will this only re-enforce the notion of me leaving her, and her feeling that she can not trust me?

 

The goal of this is not really for me to get over her, I never will be. It's to get her to realize that she had a good thing with me.

[Ellie2006]

I just told the girl I LOVE that I don't want to see her again. I'm so nervous, anxious, depressed, and just confused. ](*,)

 

For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision, even though it might not seem that way right now.

 

Yes, you love(d) this girl but you gotta love yourself too.

Self-preservation surpasses even love for an ex.

 

Hang in there.

[mikeca]

you made the right move, all or nothing.. clinging on even for awhile with only cause heartache. Trust me.

[BrokenJoy]

You made a tough decision, but the right decision. Heartbreak just absolutely sucks. I know it's going to be really hard for you, but really try to stick to 'no contact' or 'limited contact'. She's clearly seeing other people, and you deserve someone who would return the 110% you are giving. It's probably really hard for you to 'let go' of her right now, but lets be honest, if she really wanted to be with you she would be there [as someone else previously posted]. I've been broken up for about 2 months now and I went no contact for the first month. Part of me wishes that no contact wasn't broken but I'm trying NC again. Having contact with an ex or being friends only works if you really have no more feelings for them. Other than that, continuing to talk/be friends with an ex just puts us back on the 'healing from the breakup'. Stay strong and hang in there bud.

[martin6565]

Thanks for the replies everyone

 

I could let this go so easily if I thought deep down inside there was nothing I could do. If I KNEW that I meant absolutely nothing to her. But I know i'm a very special part of her life. She says she thinks of me all the time, compares me to 'dates' she goes out on. My breaking point was really seeing that hickey on her neck; me exclusively giving her attention, and her just taking this attention and then going and seeing others. Plus the hot/cold feelings and push/pull game this was turning into. After I saw that, I decided to say "no" to being friends

 

She also said a few things that night that confused me:

 

(her) But you're seeing others too!

(me) No i'm not, I just want to be with you, and that's what i've been trying to show you for the last few months.

(her) Stop playing with my head!

 

Which makes me think that she's only seeing others because she thinks I am too? And for what it's worth, I have no intentions of "playing with her head" i'm trying to be as direct as possible...

 

Then she says:

 

"You wouldn't like me anymore, i'm not the same person. I don't trust anyone anymore, I used to think love was the only thing that mattered, and i'm starting to question if that's even true. You're too good for me, you deserve someone great. Move on and never settle".

 

This is the "rejection" that will help me move on. However it's also a kicker, I broke up with her, and I know it takes a lot of time to "trust" the dumper again. I think she may be saying THIS because she does not want to end up hurt by me again. But my thinking was that it's been 8 months since we've broken up, and like many of you have said, "if she wanted to be with you, she would be" and I agree. IF she did, she would have been, but could she also still have been testing me to see if I was truly genuine? I just hope that by doing this, and cutting contact and saying no; we can't be friends forces her to think that I may be out of her life forever. I also hope that it does not re-enforce the fact that i'm just walking away from her again. She said that what i've been doing was "too little, too late"; but if it really was, why would she be SO emotional when I came by the other night?

[marchris0523]

You’re story is very similar to mine. Me and my ex have been off again on again for the past 3 years. The first time she broke up with me and left me for my good friend completely out of left field. I was in Spain when she did this and this was after her telling me “you’re the best boyfriend I ever had, I love you”. She came back to me around last November/December and wanted to try things over again. I gave her another shot and after she showed no signs of changing(in fact she seemed to be worse than ever) I broke up with her around April or May.

 

I had been NC with her up until 2 weeks ago(even tho when I would get drunk I would text her and call her, big mistake). She said her biggest regret in life was not fighting harder to convince me not to break up with her that night. That she loves me. That she wants us to be together, eventually, some day. Though, I see no changes. I go out with her, and her drinking is the same. She still hangs out with my ex-friend who she left me for the first time(and I caught him at her house literally days after I broke up with her) and last night, after not being able to take her constant lies which was killing me inside due to my high anxiety problems, I told her to basically “f” off and get out of my life. She admitted to me that he and this ex-friend are “talking” and I said what do you mean by “talking” she says well “you never know what might happen between us?” Are you kidding me? I mean, literally days ago you’re telling me you want to be me with me, that you miss me, and now you’re telling me you’re back together with this kid? She’s been going back and forth with the same kid.

 

She tells me that I’m the only one who understands her, who knows all her secrets, this and that blah blah blah. But at the end of the day, she’s still a liar, still a fake, a phony. You need to understand one thing, you don’t need that girl in your life to survive. You really don’t. If you can’t be friends… then don’t be her friend. Don’t talk to her, BE SELFISH and don’t feel bad about it. If she really cares about you, she’ll come back.

 

You broke up with her, as I did with my ex, and we both made an attempt at getting them back, and we both failed. Why are we doing all the work? We broke up with them for a reason. They should be the ones doing all the work, going crazy, trying to prove to us that they’re worth it, not the other way around.

 

Remember that… this is about you right now, not making her feel better, or feeling bad for her, or whatever. This is about you feeling good about yourself.. if either of our Exes are for us they’ll be back one day, chances are they’re not and they’re just a small paragraph in our 1,000,000 + page book that is life…

[lazee]

Wow, this seems a very complicated situation.

 

In response to: "I caused the majority of the problems in the relationship. As we got closer, I found myself falling in love with her, and since growing up everything that I ever loved, cared much for has betrayed me. So I pushed this feeling away; like I said it took a break up to finally embrace this...i'll forever be in regret.

 

What do you think is going through her mind? How do you think she is feeling; I just told her that I can't be her friend; I know that i'm the best for her and I believe she knows that too."

 

All I can say is I don't know how you feel, but I am in your girlfriend's position. I also think I am the best for my ex, he's done so many things in his life that would make most girls run away, but I stayed and we opened up to each other. How does she feel, at this moment, you can't rush anything, time is the best healer, time apart. Time apart got me thinking that my ex really wasn't that into me, he messaged me on facebook some willy nilly message and when I was still hurt, I ignored it (and I was advised that that would help me get better), I thought if he truly cared, he'd be doing what you're doing now... trying to get me back, but he's not. Though, I know yours has been eight months after the breakup whilst mine has only been 2 months so who knows.

 

You see, she probably has been working so hard to move on without you, and to let you back into her life just lifke that could shatter everything she's built. I don't think she's playing with you, she just seems really confused. I mean you left her and she probably thought it was for someone else, why hang around and wait until you realised you lost a good thing? She was gonna move on with her life, which is what an online advice book, friend, relative or therapist would have advised her to do. Now I'm sorry, if you truly want to be with her, you will have patience, and determination, even if it takes the next 3 years to prove it. At least you would have given her your trust, it's different to be sought after in a way that you feel he's just flirting with me because he wants a taste of the ex again, from wow, his efforts to show me his sincerity are amazing. Be her confidant try and be completely neutral, a neutral friend, she is more likely to let you in and then she should see 'over time' that you have her best interest.

[rokston]

You doing the right thing to break away from her. Definitely!!!

 

It doesn't matter what bait of confusion she throws at you about not being with anyone right now, loving you, missing you..... The bottom and deciding line is that she does not want to be in a relationship with you.

 

Being friends with the ex is fine. However, you are in no way ready for that! On top of it, you're trying to WIN her back when she does not want to be won. Irrelevantly of what she says about being friends with you - she does enjoy the special attention you devote to her. Anybody would!

 

The problem is that as soon as she meets somebody she falls for, guess what? You will be put on the back burner and all the friendship, love and other feelings will be there when it is convenient for her. Basically, this is heavily imbalanced emotional situation at the moment and you need distance from it. Maybe you can be friends in the future.

[martin6565]

Hi Everyone...

 

Thanks for the support, and encouragement

 

As I try to move on, I've realized some things about relationships in general. Rather than feeling depressed and sorry about the way the situation ended; i've been keeping active, things happen for a reason- and although this was difficult and stressful I've learned a few things in the process...

 

• You can't win someone back who does not want to be won...(great quote btw)
  
• You need to fully invest yourself in any serious relationship
  
• You need to show your ex you've changed, and expect the same in return....I began to make "winning her back" my life's passion. Every time i'd see her, every time i'd talk to her i'd try to stand out in her mind. Then after I would, i'd replay it again in my mind, over analyze everything and hope I could trump myself next time around. This is SO unhealthy...I was getting up every day JUST to kiss up to her; (which is needed in my situation, but I realized that after 8 months of this, you need to draw the line.) I was no longer me, and it began to tear me up.
  
• Don't forget her flaws. Yes I wanted to get back with her so bad that I overlooked several things that were just plain disrespectful. Smoking in front of me when she knows I hate it, ignoring phone calls, attitude problems. We broke up for a reason....and you need to remember this reason. If two people want to get back together, BOTH need to have made changes for the better, not just one.
  
• If she needs time, let her take it; you can't force or rush someone to love you back
  

 

 

I still think of her every day, but not with as much anticipation for that late night text, or phone call to say hello. I'm beginning to realize that although she may want me back in the future I need to move on in the present. What will I do if she comes back to me in a few months, or a year down the road? In my mind I want to say YES! But when she finally decides, (if ever) I don't know where my life will bring me. It will be VERY tough, I love the girl; she saw the best of me these last few months; affectionate, caring, and loving. But now that's done...if she ever realizes what I did many months ago; i'll have to see a similar change in her.

 

Be well ENA'ers We all will be just fine