WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN??? *warning may offend some*

[Ash]

It's a confusing thing sometimes, we can't just take a look at a relationship and slot it into the 'good' pile or the 'bad' pile. There are too many different things in play. If a single aspect is missing, is it bad?

 

In my case, it wasn't a bad relationship versus a good relationship scenario at all. Until it happened, things weren't that bad. There was really only a single facet missing, and to be honest, I was not even truly aware of what it really was, nor was my wife. We both thought I was clinically depressed. The realization of what was truly wrong came later.

 

By trying to stay and work in a relationship that wasn't ideal, I had thought I was doing the right thing, not doing the wrong. How do you ever really know? Does this mean to say if you do have to work on a relationship, you'd be better off letting it go, walk away and be done with it? I think we do need to work on relationships that aren't good, even ones that are definitely bad. I don't like to feel I was contributing to something negative by doing that. But is what's being said mean that if we're working on a relationship, aren't we simply flirting with disaster by not simply declaring it over?

 

Yes, SweetiePie's been hurt, no doubt. She was also getting irate because (like now) people weren't answering her request. There were some answers back there, now the thread has evolved.

[CanadianGirl]

I think what needs to be determined is whether or not the person in question is being abused (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually).

 

I think anyone who is being abused should not "stick it out" or try to "work it out". Why should someone stick around to see if things get better? They won't.

 

Yes, there are ups and downs of each relationship. It's up to the individual to decide whether it's worth the fight or not.

 

I think labelling all men as "bad" is wrong. There are good men out there - but are the women willing to give them a chance?

[Nifty_Swifty1]

I only read the first two posts, but I have decided that I really like you SweetypieEnlightenedOne. You are one of the very few people that I have ever met that even when something really bothers you you still take an objective look at things.

 

Now, for my answer to your question the problem for most me is that they only look at things objectively, but more in the way of a military objective. When that objective is accomplished, then it's on to the next.

 

You said that women have the same problems, but on that one I disagree. They have a whole different set of problems, but they all have the same effect.

 

Any way there really isn't anything you can do about it except learn how to avoid those people.

[thegr8maurader]

i agree with swifty, just ignore these people, i always liked to treat people how i want to be treated so i treat my girlfriends like they are the greatest thing in the world, and that is cuz they are you will find someone someday that fills your heart and will never break it

till then i wish you the best of luck

 

thegr8maurader

[kipster]

I have really had it up to here with men and there no good ways. I am so up to here with it. I don't understand why men can't grow up for a minute. What is it about a married man or a boyfriend that makes him treat a good woman like a dog? Actually worse then a dog.

I want to know from men and women here on the forum what you think the darn problem is. And how it can be solved. When a man gets married or a boyfriend gets comfortable he becomes complacent in the relationship and just wrecks shop. Men forget to 1. Be Romantic 2. Be faithful, 3. Find there clothing or socks 4. How to Iron, 5. Last in bed 6.Dress Nice..so on and so on? I really want to know what the problem is!!

 

Well you knew you were playing with fire when you started this thread so here goes....

 

Fact is that there are plenty of Good Men and Women out there but none of them are perfect. Its merely a matter of what your willing to tolerate. First, IMHO, this cuts both ways with men and women. Its ridiculous to believe that you'll find a mate that has EVERY quality that you're looking for though some people seem to think the grass is always greener. It really isn't, its just that those folks simply water their lawn differently. For instance, Girl Y may desire attributes A-Z in a guy. Guy X may have qualites A-K, while Guy Z has L-Z. Both have redeeming qualities but not everything that girl Y wants. So she chooses Guy X for example then says she's fed up with him, chooses Guy Z says shes fed up with him, all the while not realizing that no Guy has everything she's looking for. Then Lo and Behold she makes the sweeping generalization that there are NO GOOD MEN (or excuse me only a small percentage that are good). This could be nothing further from the truth. Sometimes you have to look inward and stop blaiming others for your negative feelings or inability to meet the perfect guy. Perhaps its something about you, and not them that is preventing your 'perfect' match.

 

Second, is it not normal for all people to become 'complacent'? From animals in the wild to humans to smaller forms of life is there not complacency at least at some times? Why a woman or a man for that matter wouldn't expect a partner to become accustomed to them is beyond me. Now of course cheating I do not condone or accept, but the other things doing the laundry, ironing, etc., dressing up all the time, etc., aren't those things that are supposed to change over time? I mean I don't expect to see a senior citizen wearing a Brooks Brothers Suit? I think its just a balance and really a self evaluation of what are reasonable expectations in a relationship. Believe me there are Good men and Women out there. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE ASTUTE ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE ONE OR THE NEXT WOMAN WILL LET YOU KNOW IT WHEN HE'S MOVED ON TO HER.

[sisterlynch]

I am working on a philosophy of living that states that you get out of IT--your work, relationship, childrearing--whatever you put into it.

 

Men and women are not all that differentt in many ways. It is the world and society that creates most of the differences that we see before us.

 

Men are visiual creatures and women are emotional creatures. Men learn by seeing other men do things. Women learn by relationships, hearing the stories of others people.

 

If you want your man to look great, tell him that he looks great. If you want him to make love in a certain fashion, imagine that he knows how to do that and compliment him when he gets things right.

 

If you want him to treat you like you are the most perfect specimen of human kind, tell him that he is.

 

When you find that he has made an error of some kind, tell him in a way that understates the importance of the mistake.

 

For example he washed the colors in with the whites, now you have to go back and redo the laundry yourself. Instead of saying that he did this just to bug you, tell yourself that he hasn't been exposed to this before and teach him like you would someone who has never been exposed to this kind of work before.

 

You can teach people to do things differently but it takes patience and a willingness on your part to ask for help, predict the consequences of any action, and a willingness to not take things so personally when they go wrong.

 

The whole world isn't out to get you, that is just a perception that you are holding onto from some distant observation.

 

Hold realistic expectations, don't listen to the opinions of others. Just use your own best judgement.

[PepperMint]

I don't know if I'm going to offend you, but I have to say that you expected too much from men. Of course there are comparatively better men in this world, but even those won't treat you that respectfully as you wished. -- This is the truth.

 

After all, why should someone respect you if you do not pay him for it? You may say that it is because he loves you. OK, then why does he love you? Any relationship is like a trade in some senses. He only does so when he feels it is worthy. And the most complex of all, there is no quantitative ways of measuring whether someone is going to feel it is worthy.

 

From my past experience, the way to be respected is:

i) Improve yourself, such that more people are going to feel it worthy to respect you;

ii) Do not count on guys to make you happy;

iii) Fight back if you really want to sometimes...

 

 

[sisterlynch]

I think I figured out the answer to the issue. He made a mistake. He showed a lack of character and judgement. Given that information, it is up to you to deside if the relationship needs to be cast aside or not.

 

Let me repeat that for emphasis, as I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, I am only running on one or two cylanders instead of the normal 600, ha ha!!

 

If he showed that he is human, then you may want to stay, because there aren't that many great guys out there just waiting to zap you away, I am sure that is against your personal policy, but maybe a little bit of reality may do you some good.

 

Maybe what he did was for revenge for you not loving him deeply enough or not treating him like an adult who knows better. I think that when you ask a person to cheat on you, they normally will. You may not have realized it at the time, but what happens happens... I have a feeling that he isn't asking for forgiveness, because you taught him that he isn't a gentleman, or maybe his mom taught him that and you only reinforced it....

 

I realize that it isn;t exaclty what you wanted to hear, but maybe this shoe fits, maybe it needs to be tossed into the river with all the other responses to this question that were left unanswered.

 

Read my by line as trust in yourself.

[planman]

Date the nice guy, thats right he's been under your nose all this time read this: stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

[Mr. Good Man]

I truly understand your pain. I was one of those 75% until six years ago. There are many issues here but I will touch on a few.

 

First, a man must determine, for himself, that he's tired a being a a-hole. This is not easy and may require a major and shocking wake up call. If the man likes the way he is then there isn't much you can do.

 

Second, how are you selecing these men. If you're frustrated, then maybe there's a pattern in the way you chose men. It's not like there aren't warning signs in the beginning.

 

Third, men only get away with what women allow them to get away with. If a man treats you or acts in a way you do not like put your foot down and let it be know you won't tolerate it. Otherwise, no action is still a decision.

 

Complacency is definitely a problem for many men. In my experience, the more I am emotionally involved with the woman the more I desire to please her by any means necessary.

 

Remember, the man must decide he wants to be romantic, faithful and dress nice. Otherwise, you could be wasting your time. However, the woman has to reciprocate too!

 

One more thing! I always tell my daughter, "Never believe what a man tells you until he has consistently shown it with his actions....preferably 1 year or more. Or, until he gives you a reason to distrust him"

[Caldus]

I'm in the "no date ever" group as well and I think I also lack some of those five things that were mentioned earlier. I have to admit that I am pretty careless about clothes in general. I never really care too much about dressing up unless I'm going to a nice dinner, etc. Otherwise, I think I am a pretty faithful person in general and (at least I think) I'm not in that 75% group. There are definitely some good posts in here and they have taught me a few things. Thanks everyone!

[RDW]

When your finding your boyfriend or husband whatever it may be, you should probably look were you go to look for guys. Now if you going clubin or to a bar, you might not find a good guy. (not saying you go to bars to pick up guys) but alot of the time I think It's where meet the guys at. When I'm looking for a girlfriend I usually go to places where theres a decent environment like maybe a park or grocery store. Well probably not those places but somewhere a nice girl would hang out at. This just a suggestion I thought i would throw out there. Also maybe the bad guys you go out with is usually the same type of guys, so everytime you have break up or he's a jerk, you might turn to the same type of guy. Dating diffrent kinds of people could probably sort out the problem. I'm not saying you've got a bad selection, but this might be a couple of areas to look at. Me myself I fall in the %25, which I think might be a little low of a percentage. Theres someone out and about who will treat you good and also wouldn't mind doing dishes, and also would probably iron for you, but to get down to it you've probably just got some bad guy luck over and over again but the next might be that good guy, just don't give up theres alot more good men than you think. Also I had the same problem with the girls I've dated in the past, and it is kinda hard to find someone who is right for you, it just takes time and sometimes it takes getting to know someone in and out before a relationship.

[Ingrid]

I had two perfect boyfriends and one jerk and this is why :

 

Usually I am very careful with the guys I meet and I have preferred to be alone rather than being with a jerk.

 

I look for all the signs and my bf have been very good friends first. If a guy cannot be my friend, then he cannot be my bf.

 

There is a study that raises the question why women stay with violent men: They are unable to see the early signs because they already come from a background where the father is a jerk. They cannot recognize the signs of a man without good character.

 

Usually I look for all the qualities I am looking for and am very careful with negative traits : If he lies to you once, he is a forever liar, he will lie to you because honesty is not a value for him; if he sleeps around with whoever and takes advantage of women, he is callous and selfish ... any small sign of a lack of character is a bad sign.

 

My two first bfs I broke with them because I was too young. My last bf is a jerk and I got involved with him because I made an exception to my rule. I felt he was somehow secretive and oftentimes he was late, apart from that he was very very nice, a bit lazy etc... I later realized he was a liar and I have no trust in the man, except that I got attached to him like crazy glue. It took me an incredible effort to stop having sex with him, but I still see him almost everyday, I am so used to him. It is terrible to get attached to the wrong person. I know I will never be happy with him, but I cannot seems to be capable to stop seeing him.

 

In any way, you should not tolerate anything you would not do : raising the voice, lying, anything. I find it is very difficult to find a good man, but it's worth the wait.

 

Good luck, girl!

[wlfpack81]

Most of the good guys have given up...

[drahcir]

some people are just stupid-thats why they are like that

[1Adam12]

No the good guys have NOT given up..I for one haven't and won't I'm 20 and I've been burned twice trying to get 1 date still haven't gotten it yet..

 

To the girls...look around and look at some of the guys who you would just put in the 'oh he's cute but I wouldn't date him'..well why wouldn't you..he may not neccessarily look like your type but you have no idea what he's like if you just give him the cold shoulder when he tries to get to know you..(The only exception to this are clubs and bars where its just drunk men trying to get some and you probably don't care to know them)..

 

But ladies you say the good guys aren't any good guys around anymore I say look around just give one or two that maybe you would just consider but just decided against give them a shot..unless your instincts just tell you that guy is a loser then thats understandable..

 

Phillip

[Crooked Broomstick]

From what I can gather:

1. Most of the good guys have given up. Period. Years of being ignored and having their rare tries at becoming something more, dashed and denied... For some people, time after time... You just don't want to waste your time and effort.

2. Because of this most of these people put themselves in situations, careers, etc... where they assure themselves where they won't meet anyone they would consider. The hurt can't start if there is nothing around to start it.

3. And out of those there are a few that get so isolated and complete removed from anything that could keep them going... They take their equivalent to a .38 and try their luck in the next life.

 

Examples... Think about all the computer lab people and those that hang out in the lab. The IT people that hold up in their fortresses of server/switch/router racks... Hell, most true gamers and those associated with that industry. I dare you to talk to some of them, you might actually catch a few off guard and spook them... They won't know what to do with you... A few might even ask "Why are you talking to me?"

[Caldus]

LOL Crooked Broomstick.

 

I'm in the IT field and I've been on a few dates in my life so it's not impossible to get a date just because you're in the IT field if that's what you're implying from your last post.

 

I'm a "good" guy I guess. I don't plan on ever giving up because I like who I am. Simple as that. All I have to do is just enjoy life right now and keep enjoying it and not make dating an essential for enjoyment.

 

Not too long ago I was in the same situation as so many other guys here. Not ever having a date before. I used to feel that way so I can understand why some of you feel so hopeless sometimes. But as long as you don't give up hope altogether and you really want to find the right person, then chances are you will get what you want at some point. It's sort of like trying to get a good grade in a class. As long as you want to get a good grade and as long as you keep studying then chances are you will receive a good grade on that test.

[Ceema-k]

I have really had it up to here with men and there no good ways. I am so up to here with it. I don't understand why men can't grow up for a minute. What is it about a married man or a boyfriend that makes him treat a good woman like a dog? Actually worse then a dog.

I want to know from men and women here on the forum what you think the darn problem is. And how it can be solved. When a man gets married or a boyfriend gets comfortable he becomes complacent in the relationship and just wrecks shop. Men forget to 1. Be Romantic 2. Be faithful, 3. Find there clothing or socks 4. How to Iron, 5. Last in bed 6.Dress Nice..so on and so on? I really want to know what the problem is!!

 

Too many pages of replies to read... but I'm guessing not a lot of these "bad guys" that you speak of have bothered to answer your questions. And you know what, they never will. Truth is, people don't openly find fault with or blame themselves. Simple as that.

 

Had it up to here with these creeps? Got a suggestion for you:

Try something different.

[OverParanoid]

Not all men are like that , but a pretty good sum of them are. they tend to forget( and this goes for women tooo)..That just because the courting proccess is over doesnt mean we have to stop being romantic . Also when a person gets married, that doesnt mean "ur the king of the castle" its 50 - 50 or the highway.

[ck]

You want to know where are all the good guys? That is probably what good guys want to know about where did all the good girls go. Probably outter space.

[BradensCreed]

i think its safe to agree with that.

[brigette]

hello.

 

can i just say that yes your right,most men are dogs and i have proof.

I have waited 30 years to meet the man i want to be with.

To this day i cant believe how lucky i am. He cares for me and everything we do is 50/50.

we trat eachother with respect and dont hide anything formeachother.

Yes men like him are very few but they are out there.

I think we should treat men how we want to be treated.

[Mermaid]

I'm 28, and have been with or met a lot of jerks who had absolutely no clue about how to treat a woman--or any human being (or animal), for that matter. But now I've got a boyfriend who is incredibly loving and nurturing, who wants nothing more than to love and protect me and take care of me for the rest of our lives. He's sweet, funny, tender and kind, sensitive, artistic and very intelligent and well-read... and lucky me, he's also gorgeous and sexy. And I'm going to marry him one day, and live out my life knowing that I'm one of the luckiest women in the world.